Random NB thoughts.

[bhhfmm]

Jan 11, 2015 23:52:52 GMT 8 Shan said:

Jan 11, 2015 8:22:57 GMT 8 bhhfmm said:

lol, don't know if I should be offended at that or not. I do have a nice ass... 

That you do, I took the liberty to comment on that again in the picture thread, if you're offended by that I'll delete it. What I can't wrap my mind around is how you can pound all those pizzas and oreo's and not have any sign of typically male "love handles!" All I have to do is look at that stuff and I wear it, you have a nice figure honey!

FYI - Seahawks destroyed the Carolina Panthers, I actually felt a little sorry for them, they played a good game but lost it in the second half. 

It's fine. And I do have a good metabolism and even a good immune system too, so yes, I can eat as much of whatever I want and it doesn't show, always been that way and only slightly changed with hrt. I used to not really be able to get above 135, but now I can maintain a nice 150 pretty easily which is a good weight for my height.

[EchelonHunt]

My mind has completely enveloped my femboy identity, so much that my view on being genderless has blurred and my genderfluidity has come into view more clearly.

I also want to practice fem-ing my voice so with my male body and female appearance & voice, I can maintain that feeling of authenticity.

[Deleted]

Jan 12, 2015 11:22:55 GMT 8 EchelonHunt said:

My mind has completely enveloped my femboy identity, so much that my view on being genderless has blurred and my genderfluidity has come into view more clearly.

I also want to practice fem-ing my voice so with my male body and female appearance & voice, I can maintain that feeling of authenticity.

Seems like a good plan to me! This is why I say, transition is an ongoing lifetime thing, not just a single stop in the road.

[Ativan Prescribed]

I'm going to see the girl who sticks her fingers in my mouth today again.
It's weird, it's her job, but still, it's not something that I would normally be comfortable with.
She has this kinda quality about her that just oozes with confidence.
I haven't asked or even tried to figure her out, but she seemed to know right off from the first time we met, that things are going to be a little different with me.
She's fixing my teeth, has been for months.
I asked her to make them the way they used to be, the way I knew them from decades ago.

I had to have my front teeth replaced and they didn't have anything to go on back then, and I didn't really know what to expect, other than they would be like my missing ones.
A lot of very painful work done, it was an endurance to get through it, they had to pretty much do a bunch of root canal stuff, pull out the nerves that were there and raw from the damage.
When I finally got the temp ones out and the permanent ones in, I was so pissed, they totally screwed them up, but at the time, I just wanted to get out of there.
They were farther back than the originals.
This meant my lips kinda fell back and they rolled under and were a lot thinner.
Especially the top one.
I didn't like the shade of them at all, they seemed way to dark to me.
It took a couple days, and I cried about them for awhile, and moved on, deciding it was better than not having teeth there, they were pretty bashed in, all the ones in front.
I suffered through them most of my adult life, grew and kept a mustache, I wanted to cover that thin lip look and had to learn to talk all over again.
Lol, everytime I had even a couple beers or drinks, I had this horrible lisp that I couldn't control.
It took about a year to stop that.
I felt like my face had been destroyed, even though at the time I was still going into that stupid man-up phase, trying to be all badass or something.
I did do that, but I didn't get rid of 'her', she just got tougher, lol.

But this girl who sticks her fingers in my mouth figured it out and knew exactly what I wanted and made my teeth almost like the way I wanted, as close as she could get.
Another dentist came and looked at what the temps looked like and remarked to her that they were way to feminine looking, a little longer, the two in the middle slightly longer, so when I parted my lips slightly, they showed.
He said only woman's teeth should look that way.
I told him that's what I wanted and he huffed away.
She knew exactly what I wanted.
When I looked in a mirror, My lips were fuller again and there they were, those two teeth that are just a hint if I smile a little with my lips parted.
So freakin cool to see.
She's pretty cool, even told me they fit my personality better.
This kinda surprised me, but just the look she gave me was enough to know that she really did see that.
They are getting a final look-see, I've had them and have had to learn to talk again, to even smile again, I haven't seen her for a couple months now.
So I'm really looking forward to seeing her again, but it's also most likely the last time.
She's going to be moving elsewhere very soon, she'll be gone.
A strange mixture of happy to see her and talk some more, but sad because it will be the last time.
I don't run into that many people who really get it right away, have that ability to see the person and not their appearance.
I do look pretty masculine.
My lips look a hell of a lot better and I have a lot more confidence when I smile.
Big ol' shiny new white teeth, I like them a lot, still hard to get used to, but I like them a lot.

When I'm done there I go to see my therapist.
She's a total newbie and is on my learning curve, but so far has picked up what I have such a hard time saying, talking about in person.
Sure, I can write about it fine, but I tend to back myself up and use those damn masks when I am talking to someone, I pick up on their mask and play that game.

So today is seeing the girl who fixed my teeth, did so with a lot of intuition...
Yah, it's kinda mutual and there is this special feeling about that, but it's also a goodbye day today.
I hope I don't let my mask fall and show too much about how happy she makes me feel, more than my teeth, but that she knows, and it's unspoken yet acknowledged by her smile and that look in her eye...
I hate those good-byes that really are forever.
The sadness is consuming and can get out of control so easily, but that's how it works, emotional attachments, even if they are little ones.
I think I'm going to have more than I plan on to talk to my therapist about.

But I have a lot of other things to talk about as well.
It's gonna have to be fast to get it all talked about, or it'll have to wait for some of it until next week.
Get back into talking about more gender stuff, rather than all the total crap I've been dealing with the last couple months.
She really helped me to get through it all, and it isn't over yet, but it just needs to settle now, I have to see where it goes and adjust for it.
Therapy is pretty important when life makes drastic changes you don't see coming at you...
She's pretty intuitive as well and we have a nice connection, we have acknowledged it and use it but have moved past it to talk about the things that matter to me.
She's learning a lot as we go, and that's kinda fun, but she is good at pointing out those things I can't readily see until she does.
Keeps me settled, keeps me from running off to that edge of darkness, the abyss.
So big day today, the two people who have helped me stay stable and let me move forward in life, an important thing to do, always keep moving forward, let the future run into the past without freaking out over the small stuff.
Anxiety can really suck at times and get everything all bound up into a big ball of crap to push around til it's gone again.

I have my usual people who keep me out of trouble, out and away from the psyche units, only once in the last six years, that's good considering I didn't know who I was back then.
So today is going to be filled with a lot of stuff relating directly to my being NB, and these are just my random thoughts before I finish the sludge I call coffee and go and get ready for the day.
It's a day out the ordinary that I can look forward to, an emotional day, with lots of different ones involved in it.
Some of each I suppose, I don't know yet how much or which ones, but I know it's going to be out of the ordinary, always better than just another day...
Ativan