Rambly Thoughts

[Annys]

Non-transition feels like the wrong word. I do fully intend to transition, but I no longer think MtF is the appropriate choice for me. But I do need to change.



I do still feel, as I always have, that my inner self is "female", even if my body is not. I look at many of the success stories and before/after images with envy and admiration. I have no fear that I would not join them, were I to follow the same paths they did. With work, I could already "pass" a female presentation (homely, not beautiful) in all but my voice. I've seen what HRT can do to improve that further.



My problem is with the idea of "passing" in the first place. After so much time spent hating my body, the last thing I want to be is defined by it. As much as I relish the thought of people seeing a woman when they look at me, I also feel it would be as much an inauthentic presentation as the one I am already using.



It has been extremely difficult for me to understand that feeling of inauthenticity. It certainly do not feel the transition of other MtFs to be false, in any way. I simply don't believe the same steps will address the roots of my own demons. I am not my body. What people see when they see my body does not define me. My transition will be to a place where I no longer feel my behavior needs to match what they see.



I have spent my entire life hiding my thoughts, doing and saying things I do not feel; this is the root of my depression. I do this to conform to the male stereotype. If I did not, people would begin to question, and their scrutiny would reveal that I did not belong. This must change. I do not belong! I am not truly one of the men, and I need to accept that. If it is possible I could, I would still certainly struggle to feel like I "belong" with the women either. I also need to accept that there is much I do not share with them, as well.



But to find happiness, I do need to change my gender presentation to a reflection of how I truly feel. That is authenticity, and I desperately feel that should be enough. The things I say, the behaviors I tolerate in my presence, the way I treat people... all of these must be authentic. I need to throw away the mask. The last thing I need is another mask.



I will not be what people expect when they first see me. Perhaps they may not even know what to expect. Elements of my presentation will surely be called "feminine", regardless of my body, if I am to be happy with my own self-expression. This will lead to questions; I need to accept this. Many people will not understand, no matter how many questions I answer; I need to accept this, too. Some of those people, perhaps even most, will not accept me; I need to accept this most of all.



I can only pray that I find someone out there who does accept me for whatever it is I will become.

[Deleted]

You are, and will become even more, a diamond.

Trinity Satin Joy

[Ativan Prescribed]

I said it somewhere on this forum before, maybe just talking to someone, I don't know, but transition is correct for a body, the person is already who they are for the most part.
There is a transformation that everyone goes through, trans is different than cis, there is more of a character transformation, identity centralized.

I think to achieve authenticity, you have to have a firm grip on yourself or the transformation process.
You can express your feelings through appearance, but to achieve that real feeling of authenticity, it has to come from within.
But really knowing your self, rather than yourself, to know without doubt who you are, how you are perceived then tends to diminish in it's importance.
I think you just naturally become who you are over time in appearance, how you are perceived.
You'll try things, just like everyone does, and settle on some more than others, you do become who you are.

It might not even be that first impression appearance, it's attitude than comes through, hopefully a good one that is a reflection of self.
It's just fine to go ahead and do what you can to have the perception you want, but don't let it define you, don't get boxed into someone you're not.
It should be as flexible as you are in this transformation process, a reflection of how you are changing, growing, the discovering of self.
Some masks we use are always temporary, they can be changed at will. Others seem to just dissipate, some of them disappear before they really come to the surface.

Yah, transition seems like the wrong word for an overall of self, I think even those who do go through a body transformation also transform self as well.
Everyone does this in their own way, as trans, and I think more so for NB, transformation comes along in a different way.
It's stepping off the cis binary, and then stepping away from binary as trans, to the degree that feels right.
Once this is better defined for self, the more complete we feel.

In my own way, as I perceive that for myself, the less importance there is on appearance and there becomes more of an importance on attitude that's perceived.
People see me, and they see a generic cis male, until the begin to notice the little things, a difference that they may or may not be interested in.
I don't care if they do or not, they most likely do that with everyone, they either perceive more, or they just don't.
It's up to them, if they see life in a singular way, they miss out on a lot.
It's not my problem and it might not even be a problem, they just are.

But I'm here, there, wherever, being my self and not another mask... hopefully.
I blend in or I stand out. I do this with attitude mostly, sometimes that takes advantage of my appearance, but not usually, not so much.
We're all different, I see a lot of the college students where I live and there are some very different looks that they have, but I can see the attitude as well.
I don't see it as all that much different than mine, or maybe I just see the things that are the same, I don't really know.
I wonder how their transformations will come about, who they will become over the years.
I think back about how things came about for myself, a hard road at times, but a sure-footedness eventually came along, and it gets better all the time.
It's never really felt like a transition, it's always been a transformation, it has had its spurts and times of just being, but it always feels like it is.
Ativan

[Ayla]

Mina

I have been in a similar place and by an unexpected and convoluted route my take is very similar to Ativan's. While it is fun to take on a different guise, style or presentation the self insists on recognition. Once on this path I have found that my self has been revealed in so many ways - conversation, values, relationships, career, interests etc. Each time I look back, I find that another layer of the onion has been cast off.

At one stage I was obsessed with needing to send the 'best' andro or non binary signals via clothes and grooming. Looking back I realise that perhaps I would have been better focused if I had maintained focus on my self. Once I found, understood and relaxed into who I am at my core, the rest just seemed to follow.

Ativan says a lot in their post, and another gem which I wish that I had appreciated earlier in my travels, is that being authentic, being present does impact confidence, and does impact attitude. Those that are intuitive or to whom you are closer will recognise this, they will recognise you and you will recognise them. When this happens, your souls will resonate, they will embrace and honour each other. Others may not see any nuance, signal or difference. This doesn't matter - it matters to you and to those who recognise 'you'.

[Annys]

I will always be grateful for your thoughts, and for the inspiration they give.

My greatest fear has been exposing my self and being rejected. I am sure that fear will prove resilient. Habit is also proving to be a durable enemy. So much of the facade has become reflex.

I wonder if I will be able to allow my hair to grow. That has always been a powerful trigger for me, but I have different eyes.

[Deleted]

Mine flips the spectrum at will. There are cuts that are fluid.

Great thread here tonight.

[Ayla]

Mina

The hair thing is a surprisingly powerful signal to me and to others. Long, pulled back by gel or by using a knot or tie looks pretty sharp imho, and if you wish to let it out/down it feels pretty darn good and depending on the style, quite andro. If you can do this at work and you can handle ribbing or criticism from friends and family, just do it!


Safe travels

Aisla

[Deleted]

Ahh a moment to write.

Breif one though.

Mina there is for some of us a sense that the full transition process is a mismatch for our selves. Deep in the root of us we know we are special, that we are not blindly following the crowd. I look at Cait for example, and know her reality is not mine. I look at some folks here in this forum, and their reality is definitely similar to mine.

Our gender really is diamond, and forged by pressure, many faceted, often uncut, with light deep within. Some see only the glitter of the diamond, but a diamond is far more than glitter, isn't it dear.

It can be cold, or warmth, it can dazzle, it can cut through glass and mirrors. It reflects a thousand points of light, but it also takes the light inside. As we develop as trans people, regardless of our body transformation, we become that diamond and others begin to wonder. Even cloaked the light will shine forth- if we esteem the uniqueness of who we are. If we are not ashamed of our priceless genders. Binary society cannot understand that, but it is important that we understand it ourselves.

When we have the clarity to see through this, see past what I call the matrix, see through the subjective social experience and know it for what it is and for all its ripples in the pond of humanity, then with that clarity we have our peace.

We arrive at our selves, our core. And our core slowly begins to fashion our bodies and social presentations from the inside out, and we choose if we wish the illusions we wish to present, or the truth. Some cannot tell which is which, only you know this, and that comes with time and experience.

Trans puberty is rough, we do things and say things as we learn to cope with our newness. We have to be a little careful, a little aware of how it will play us. Hormones make that process intensified as our minds seek to adjust.

I am non surgical, I dont know if that is forever, but it is my truth. I personally am very female in the body, but like Ativan, I am excentric male outside. I dont read as effeminate unless I chooose to be seen. Its all very real. Every presentation is real, it is a part of self being unveiled to others. But only a few see the whole diamond. It took years to find it, 2 and a half, with the best minds in the world interceding and that happened right here.

But once found, the path is clear. I am overjoyed at my transformation. I sit in my study, no hair on, my negligee is still on from the night sleeping in my wifes precious arms, a diamond necklace and rings on my finger, hair brushed forward to androgynous feminine mode. That is the reality of who I am. It is my gender. Socially I will be many things in many ways. But my core is me, and I have found h'er if you will. Yet, there is a lot of he in h'er.

Your path will be clear, and living truth, you will be set free. Those who like you as who you are, will be lifetime friends, those who do not, do not. But the friendships forged in truth are beyond estimation.

We are transgender. We are diamonds, some uncut, some glittering like the stars we should be. We are strong, we are united, we are becoming our truths, and our light will save thousands of lives, if only we live it free.

[Ativan Prescribed]

We talk about our paths, it's a common theme for people to use, but ours seems to be different, yet close to all the other paths that people use.
Some of the dangers we face on a personal level are sometimes viewed as the edge, and where we are on that edge says a lot about how we are doing as individuals.
What defines that edge by way of descriptions can be and is very much, a useful tool in talking about our trans experience.

The constant barrage of information that is the makings of the cis world we live in, is easily viewed for some as being like the matrix.
As we begin to see it for what it is, it's influence loses it's grip on us, there is a freedom in this, to see past what is their reality and not ours.

Our core when viewed as a diamond has many ways of looking at it, just like the paths we use and travel through life on.
Uncut, we find the ways that bring about another facet to see, to shape ourselves and how we define our experiences.
The reflections of those facets have their place, a usefulness.
The reflections we see are the places we've been, what is behind us, yet still of great importance to our understanding.
The reflections are as different as we are as individuals, yet we can recognize the ones that are close enough to be the same.

What really rocked my experience was learning to see past that reflection and see that light from within, the brilliance of our nature, of who we are, who I am.
Our experiences along our paths, the edges we encounter, the realization of what is real and just what is the matrix, these are all experiences we use.
I think it is the combined experience we have that lets us see past the reflections of the facets that we are, to see inside, to know what that light within is about.
It is a humbling experience to realize and see others as the light they are as well, to see the shine that is theirs that they share...

It's a great privilege for me to have all of this defined with the help of others, and to be able to see past the reflections of who they are as well.
Our genders are as unique as we are as individuals, but we are finding a way to define our gender as well as our experiences, a way of talking and sharing these things.
We are all so different, yet we have managed to find a way to use language in a way that is ours to understand and use, it is impressive in itself.

But it is within our reach to be able to talk about ourselves in ways that everyone can understand, beyond the metaphors, beyond the magical creatures.
There is a light that shines from within, behind the reflections we see, that others see as well.
That light is universal, even when defined in other ways, it is still recognizable.

It feels like a plateau has been reached in my personal experience, as temporary as all the other ones reached as well.
It's the feeling of not seeing that light within, but rather being that light and looking out.
Seeing those reflections for what they are, seeing and feeling what affect the light has, understanding as best I can, that the light has always been me.
The feeling of freedom that comes from being able to see it all from that vantage point.
It's been a long round about way to getting here, but that shapes and defines the light, just as it is still.
The sense of freedom in thinking about who I am, the understandings I feel about myself, of self.
I think that is the brilliance that the light represents, we each have our own, but they all shine brightly.
Some rambly thoughts...
Ativan

[Deleted]

Aug 23, 2015 14:08:19 GMT 8 Annys said:

I do still feel, as I always have, that my inner self is "female", even if my body is not. . .


My problem is with the idea of "passing" in the first place. After so much time spent hating my body, the last thing I want to be is defined by it. As much as I relish the thought of people seeing a woman when they look at me, I also feel it would be as much an inauthentic presentation as the one I am already using. . .



I am not my body. What people see when they see my body does not define me. . .

Mina, there's a lot in your post that I could have written myself. I've chosen the above three snippets as examples.

I get the feeling that you and I are in much the same place, at least insofar as we seem to have contradictory feelings within us.

I'm quite sure within myself that I should have been born with a female body. The body I got is simply ridiculous. I've been out full time for nearly three years now, and yet I still hesitate to go on hormones, I still haven't even begun to think seriously about GCS. These things would bring me closer to the sort of body I should have, and yet I hesitate to do them.

One of the reasons is that I'm not sure that I would feel any more authentic than I do now. I wasn't born with the right sort of body, but that's what I needed and I'm not sure that anything other than that will make me happy. I call myself an "all-or-nothing" person. If I can't have it all, I'm not convinced that anything else will satisfy me.

It's not the body itself I needed: it's the life that the right sort of body would have allowed me to live that I needed. I missed out on that life, and changing my body now seems almost useless, because it wouldn't give me all the years I missed out on.

It's for this reason that in a way I wish I could do away with the body altogether. I'm a female spirit, and if I could somehow contrive to live as pure spirit without a body, I'd be perfectly content to do that.

And yet I look at ciswomen and I envy them for their bodies. I have lots of women friends and when I'm together with them, I feel really happy to at long last be in the circles where I belong. Yet at the same time I feel a barrier between them and me because they have the bodies they need and I don't. I love them and resent them at the same time.

And finally, a lot of times I feel completely phony. I pass extremely well. When I do myself up right, nobody reads me. I can move about in the world and nobody questions my womanhood. And yet I know that's it's just show. My body is not in fact what it appears to be. I feel like I'm simply putting on an act and fooling people at it--even though at the same time I am expressing my spirit authentically.

In other words, I'm a mass of contradictions--and how to resolve them? I don't know. I'm practicing patience right now. I am in effect living my life just having a bit of faith--faith that as I go along and become more comfortable with myself, my feelings will resolve themselves and I'll have a better idea of what I need to do. I believe in being quiet. I need to stop talking to myself. Instead I should let my self talk to me. I need to shut up and listen.

[Ayla]

Some stunning and very powerful posts here. Much to digest and none more so than our need to 'just be', to be present, to let our 'self' express themself and to quiet the incessant chatter and distraction of our ego.

It has been said many times, but the insight, clarity and support that I am gifted here are gifts beyond compare. Jacey thank you for this forum, and thank you all for your friendship and sharing.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Annys]

Aug 25, 2015 5:14:44 GMT 8 @foxglove said:

It's not the body itself I needed: it's the life that the right sort of body would have allowed me to live that I needed.

This hit me right in the heart.

I can only hope I'm now working on a path that leads me away from this. It's one of the barriers that keeps me from "belonging" with women, as you describe in your own experience. It also seems like a barrier that keeps me from taking hold of the now. As much as our pasts have shaped us, and especially as much as our pasts have failed to fulfill our needs, it's not helpful for me to keep dwelling there.

The only way I can see to escape that is as Aisla mentioned, to "just Be." All else must become secondary out of necessity. It is who we are right now that defines us, and nothing else. 

Have I found a way to do that? The cynic in me doubts it. The little girl whose body slipped away from her dearly hopes so. The man I tried to be doesn't care.

I'm just glad we've all found each other. Maybe together we can find the answers.