To go stealth or remain open about being trans?

[EchelonHunt]

A question to put forward.

When your "transition" is finished, will you go stealth or remain open to others about being transgender?

In your complete body, would you, for example, be physically intimate with someone without telling them that you are trans? In order to be perceived as "normal", to be seen as the woman/man you see yourself to be?

Can this be dangerous? I have seen others declare this behaviour as deceiving the other person, that one must always be upfront and honest about themselves to the other person before getting intimate, regardless if all the corrective surgeries have been done.

I have witnessed a few transgender folks who would like nothing more to bury the past of their old self, burned all the old photos of themselves to remove all evidence that the old self ever existed and sometimes even going as far as claiming to have been born as the correct sex all along.

I think in some social groups in the transcommunity, people can have a bad habit of glorifying transition as a wonderful thing that will make all your problems go away. Hate yourself? Why, take everything you know, throw it all away and become somebody else entirely. Be a new person, someone who is vastly different, a much happier version you could have never been.

Even in I Am Cait, Caitlyn Jenner refers to herself in third person, as if Caitlyn is a separate person from Bruce. Aren't Bruce and Caitlyn the same person, physical differences aside?

A person with nothing to lose could delight in the idea of reinventing themselves entirely, a new name, a new face, a new wardrobe and hair-do... but this may not change the underlying issues that began in the first place. Transitioning cannot wave their insecurities away with a wave of a wand.

But I don't believe in rejecting the past self, rejecting the person who struggled before blossoming into the butterfly is equally important as the transformation itself, to use the analogy. Without the caterpillar, the butterfly would never have existed.

If people don't want to embrace or acknowledge their caterpillar, that's their initiative, I will probably struggle to understand the purpose of that mindset but for me, I will always accept and embrace that I was once a caterpillar. Never will I be ashamed of having been born a caterpillar.

[Deleted]

I have so much to say on this...

But i need a keyboard.

Great topic.

[Ayla]

Jacey

What a great thread. I feel much like you do. Perhaps this is less true for binary trans folk, but I could no sooner disavow my past and solely commit to a completely new life and new identity than amputate one of my limbs.

Today I am the product of my life journey, part constructed, part pre determined and part self authored. Moving forward my hope is that I will become more self authored, making authentic and fully conscious choices which speak my truth. My truth has been shaped part by my past, part by my present and part by my dreams and aspiration.

I cannot see a future where my past is fully excised. I will and do disclose that I am trans. But trans does not define me. I am more than this. I am friend, lover, advocate, coach, human and much, much more. Depending upon the situation and the audience, I will reveal that which seems appropriate and authentic.

Hope this makes sense.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Patty]

  A topic worth a lot of words but I will only post a few. My journey and transition will never be complete till I pass from this earth. Every day is another opportunity to learn and grow and should never be wasted and that can be said for all humans. On Dec 8th my body will match my heart ,soul and mind as much as is medically possible.I am truly looking forward to a time in my future when I can look into a mirror or an intimate partners eyes and say yes I am a woman and feel joy in my spirit. To remain open or proceed into stealth is up to what the future brings, we never know until it becomes the present.  God Bless to All.   Patty

[Leena]

I don't see myself as ever being able to go stealth, though I don't know that I would really want to. It seems like it would feel somewhat the same as the times I felt the need to try to pass as some ultra masculine guy I'm not, always being worried that some mannerism or speech pattern would out me. It would just be different mannerisms and speech patterns that I'd be concerned about.

I also wouldn't want to act like my past didn't happen, or doesn't mean something to me. I mostly have enjoyed my life, and for the most part have been myself, even though I was wanting to find a way for these feelings to go away for a long time, I only really hid them part of the time anyway. I also was fortunate to find a few cis-women friends who sometimes thought of me and treated me as one of the girls, I don't know how rare that is, but I wouldn't want to erase those experiences from my life, it's really the closest this middle aged person will ever get to being a teenage girl.

[Ativan Prescribed]

I think just the word transition has an ending to it.
More to the point I think is the transformation that takes place for many of us.
Identity is always transforming, otherwise we become stagnant, even to ourselves.
What happens if we transform in time to an entirely different identity?
Is it stealth or is it just who we eventually become?
I suppose if we do make a clean break from our past, it could be seen as stealth.
Sometimes it just works out that way, it's a part of a transformation process.
Stealth sounds like hiding, and I think some people do... It is a necessary thing to do as a part of their personal transformation.
But given enough time away from some people in our lives, people who had been a part of our lives, we might seem to be completely different.

I wonder sometimes if certain people would see parts of the same me as I was back then, I have changed over the years.
I have with intention, but I'm not hiding so much as I just let that part of me go and it's in the past where those people are as well.
I would expect that they have changed, and as I have, I suppose I would see them differently as well.

If I move to another part of the world, have I gone into hiding? Is it also an opportunity to go into some sort of stealth mode...
I've done this in the past, I took advantage of the situation. Not a big deal.
I think I was very much still in the earlier stages of a life long transformation.
I'm thinking of doing that again, but now I also have the Internet I can bring along for the most part.
NB is such that transitions are with just parts over time, it comes along with the intentions of transformation.
The teenage girl was in the beginning, and I still remember much of it.
I really did want that at the time, mostly I think because it didn't seem possible at the time. Still isn't.
If I could somehow recapture that now, I might seriously think about a transition and going stealth, but maybe not.
I've grown to the point that it just doesn't seem like it would make a difference.
If I didn't lose any of myself and could still be that teenage girl, it would be a grand adventure and one that I wouldn't come back from.
But it wouldn't be in hiding, it would just be a lot of transformation for me, I'd still want to be who I am now as well.
Is stealth just a way to blend into the crowd? I can do that already, I suppose it might be an NB kind of thing, you get used it.
Hiding means staying out of sight to me, to intentionally leave even yourself behind, you'd really have to not like yourself.
I've done that as well, there were times that just didn't pan out the way I thought they would...
Stealth is a little less severe, but it seems to be along the same kind of line, a form of hiding, more like blending in to the surroundings.
What do you do if someone comes along and recognizes you anyways? Do you pretend to not be you?
I don't have a past that I am in contact with anymore, but mostly because I just don't have the need, some is a dislike of it, them.
Does ignoring the people and things of the past, but not the memories count as stealth?
If you get rid of all traces of your past, wouldn't it take hiding from yourself as well?
I lost a good deal of my memories about seven years ago, it's been a struggle to find them again.
It would be nice if I remembered just the good things, but context of it all being what it was, remembering the bad makes it a struggle.
So by going stealth as in hiding, just how much of yourself would you have to lose? Selective memories...
My perspective of it is not the same, but I think I know how hard it would be and how much you'd have to give up to do it.

[Deleted]

Stealth. From yourself? Who you are is always there, haunting or helping. To be embraced, loved, hated... Its always there. Transformation cannot hide the real you. But we can hide the real us from prying social eyes.

Stealth...perfect passing? Or a perfect mask? One designed to protect ourselves from the outrageous attitudes of a hostile world, but when the mask comes off, true and honest relationships are born.

Stealth. What does it steal from us...

Stealth...i choose selective outing, i do not hand a loaded weapon to one not trustworthy. Yet in places of no consequences, i will be publically trans. Make the object human, upset the stereotypical gender perception.

But little good can come from hiding. When going to war we assess the cost, strategize, prepare, assess. Then effect change in the battleground to shift the balance of power. One at a time, or many. Some or many by media, like the 150 guests we host if they are seeking answers and want to learn, some face to face, some just by being real.

Some are invisible allies, some are poison tongues, out there in the world, not here.

Deception in bed has a heavy cost. Very heavy, life threatening, the stories repeat. It is unwise.

Stealth. And in fluidity, stealth gets odd, for we can be socially all gender, all is true together as one, what we choose to reveal is ours to say. Women do not reveal their whole beauty, that is for the bedroom. The same is true for our passionate parts. It is part of the mistique of living trans, the intimate joy to be revealed without fear of discovery, but unveiled like a chemise falling from your shoulders.

Love to all here

Trinity Satin Joy

[Deleted]

This is another good thread. I would say be upfront. If they love you they will love you no matter what. I would rather someone love me for who I am and not an image of who they think I am.

So If I ever go full SRS I could alway use the age deal as to why no children.

But younger? I could come up with all kinds of excuses. Hystorectomy due to a problem with thte ovaries or womb. If he died before me then my secret would be safe but if you believe in an after life then he may be hurt but could forgive. But Shit happens. You di from an accident and this person loves you and you are their whole world and an autopsy is odne and it comes out that you are not biologically male or female. If there is an afterlife then surely I would be in hell for hurting him so much. For decieving him into loving someone that he had no idea who I was born.

Honesty is the best policy. If someone loves you they wil love you no matter what. If they love you they will love you trans or cis. If they love you then they will love you for who you really are not who you were and so on. If not then they will not love you truly. So if it isn't true love then leave it alone. BTW I'm still looking for true love so I ain't better off than anyone else. Oh yeah I got love in my heart and he in his but it ain't quite true though. Maybe eventually but.... Never settle and never be ashamed of who you are. Stand up and own it and whoever don't like it fuck 'em. They would have never truly loved you anyway.

This is just for lovers. You go stealth with friends and aquaintances in the future then that is totally different. Be who you are to them. But don't lie to your lovers though. If something happens and they find out it will hurt them emmensly

So yeah for most people it sis not anyone else's bussiness. But If I fell in love with a guy and he pertrayed himself as a birth born guy and some accident happened and it came out that he was actually a transman then I would be hurt so bad and I am trans myself. For me it would be a lack of intimacy that would hurt me. That he could not tell me his deepest secrets and so on. I pour my heart out to the one I love so I expect the same.