The weapons of ignorance and living smart

[Deleted]

There is a line we walk with our so's that is a consequence of society transphobia.  Its that one where we are pressured into binary conformity, where shaming is used if we are divergent.

I had a season of breaking free from that, but current conditions are pushing me towards only showing the stereotypical male.

The pressure is fairly steady.  I confronted my wife about it, but her response was she is not ashamed of me, she wants to protect me from the ignorant.

The result is a familiar rise in dysphoria as my self seeks to rebalance itself to familiar comfort levels of freedom.  I can isolate and be outwardly my nonbinary visual, i wish i could around her but i settle for walking around and slerping in lingerie.  Which is an enormous gift.  But i told her i had to be free to frel without fear or censorship, and that is the current challenge.

She gets it.  She prayed this morning for God to remove my dysphoria, i prayed for Him to defeat the social ignorance that exascerbates it, realizing my trans qualities are a gift and a blessing, not to be called evil by anyone.  Never spurn a work of God, we were created as we are, born trans. 

So im adjusting to new expression boundaries.  Looks like i need to set my limits, others are currently controling them, and common sense and the clear understanding of the hard realities of living and being a transperson must be properly handled.

But its good.  And if i hadnt made the job move, i know i would have gone under.  That was another gift.

Thoughts welcome, similar experience, whatever.

Blessings

Trinity

[Mingma]

There is an old German folk song "Die Gedanken sind frei" (Thoughts are free) that I learned long ago off a Pete Seeger recording. The most important line is "My thoughts do not cater to duke or dictator, no man can deny, die gedanken sind frei. For us though being mentally free is sometimes not enough. The expression of our identity is necessary. Particularly for gender non conforming and nonbinary people it is ultimately required to live the truth as we know it to be "We are created as we are, born trans." But I think the truth has flavors of expression. I have lived flamboyantly out, closeted, hidden, defiantly authentic and every mash up of you can think of. How I lived and what I thought about myself frequently has not matched. I could live that way for a time, but I always migrate towards internal and external congruence.

I don't think that sh'e must always be expressed, but I do think that sh'e demands recognition and a place in the sun. I wish I had a solution for you, but I only know that the flavor of masculine presentation has many colors, and that the color of what works for you will be revealed.

Ming

[EchelonHunt]

Anything to do with stereotypical male makes me cringe and hiss like a vampire recoiling from the sun.

I understand why, the reason behind it, to blend in with society,... I just do not like it one bit.

But I realise I do the same myself. I don't wear skirts or longer hair or even any jewellery to classes. Part of me wishes I could but it is just that, a wish. I can fulfil that wish anytime, behind closed doors, at the LGBT nightclub or LGBT-friendly safe space and online is where I feel most comfortable and free.

There does have to be some compromise, some sort of conforming in today's society. It shouldn't be necessary, we should be allowed to express ourselves without restraint but sometimes, it just serves to isolate us further from others.

You are safe here, we will support you through this, you aren't alone

[Deleted]

Its the old..it isnt fair...line.

Who said life was fair?

It just is life.

Im fine personally. Lgbt AA meeting will handle it...

However I really got spoiled at work.  It had its consequences and its rewards.

But the real issue is shaming.  The idea that somehow deviating from the binary is shameful.

I'd say hate and hurting others is the shameful thing.  Not having a gender that is different from your own.

The whole thing is really messed up is it not?

I dont mind  the stealth at work.  Its the controls at home that I chafe against, as I am sure we all do. 

Yet, freed, it really doesn't matter like it used to.   It  becomes action and result, cause effect.   Mindfullness of  the way way the present influences the future, by the way we react, or adjust, or choose our actions.

[Leena]

Aug 14, 2015 2:41:09 GMT 8 Trinity said:

But the real issue is shaming.  The idea that somehow deviating from the binary is shameful.

I'd say hate and hurting others is the shameful thing.  Not having a gender that is different from your own.

The whole thing is really messed up is it not?

I dont mind  the stealth at work.  Its the controls at home that I chafe against, as I am sure we all do. 

Yet, freed, it really doesn't matter like it used to.   It  becomes action and result, cause effect.   Mindfullness of  the way way the present influences the future, by the way we react, or adjust, or choose our actions.

Deviating from the binary is not shameful, it is something some close-minded individuals think, and that line of thinking often does unfortunately imprint on us too, and it's hard to completely get rid of.     

Not all of us have any controls at home, I'm single, and far enough away that family members aren't going to drop in unexpectedly. It's not as freeing as it seems. Awhile back, I spent a long time presenting how I wanted almost all of the time, but did so by not ever leaving the house, except to go to the store occasionally. It felt more like I was under house arrest than that I was free. I eventually got tired of that and got a job, and have to present in guy mode there. I still have a tendency to think about staying home and being able to do my nails and dress how I want for a few days sometimes on weekends, but there's so many better things to do, even if I have to dress in guy mode to go out and do them. If I really tried, I could probably find a job where I could work from home and never leave the house again, but get to dress how how I want to all the time, though that doesn't really seem like much fun. I'm not really agoraphobic, I love being out and about, I don't know that I'll ever be all that comfortable publicly presenting much more than slightly androgynous. I think if I did go that way, eventually I might become agoraphobic. Or I might be in a position to challenge myself, either way, I don't want self imposed house arrest.

[Ayla]

Non binary expression is still unusual, particularly in conservative families, circles and business. Folk seem to struggle with being unable to quickly classify us as male or female. Sometimes even the slightest movement away from a binary presentation causes enormous angst and pressure. I feel it particularly from male family members. But you get used to it and I now enjoy expressing myself in a more andro, less binary way. It says a lot to me, it may or may not say much to others, but in many ways they are not the audience. I need to express myself and to live as authentically as possible for my benefit, not for the benefit of anyone else. If longer hair, beard removal, andro surgery and low dose hrt gets me to a good place, then so be it. If folk ask me, as they do, "whether something is going on?" I answer that I am transgender. That this does not mean that I am transitioning MTF but that I understand myself and identify as non binary, which is causing me to present in a way which is consistent with this.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Deleted]

The important topic. Collateral damage, freedom, social and professional constraints and consequences, damage to our self esteem, where do we draw the lines. Choices, courage, common sense. Knowing when to effect change and when to camoflage until an opportune time to challenge a paradyne or culture presents itself.

Im heading for an unhealthy transphobic environment. Ive talked to the wife about it. I express my nonbinary physical ...what, shemale? Or no op transperson andro.. Whatever. Sh'e. But i get to be that entirely at night in my physical gender. And in the day though often cloaked.

Nice thing is more and more i dont have to wear a mans dress shirt to hide my top. She has embraced the whole me. It took 2 and a half years. Slow and patient and careful.

But lessons are learned. The world was not ready yet. It must be choice and consequence, driving slowly for freedom.

[Ayla]

TSJ

You are right. This is a dance. Once we hear the music and take our first steps, our partners and colleagues note the change. Too much, too quickly, will discomfit and may damage relationship and trust. You tread a very careful path, your 'diamond tight rope'. You have always looked to protect your relationship and your family. You are now reaping the benefit of that love and selflessness

You are heading into more difficult waters. While the job and finances have significantly improved, you do face a new and perhaps more hostile work and living environment. But You have grown, you are a seasoned warrior, you know your truth and your path, I am hopeful that this move will be hugely rewarding without causing you too much pain and distress

Safe travels

Aisla