Maintaining the feminine feeling...

[Deleted]

Someone at the /r/asktransgender reddit made a post about how difficult they find it to feel feminine. They said,

"...I always feel as though if I'm not keeping a constant eye on my female identity, it'll disappear. If I don't wear girl clothes then I feel like a guy. If I use my old voice I feel like a guy. If I don't express some form of femininity for a while then Im just a guy."

I know those feels well. Maybe not to that extent, but I understand the need to maintain that feeling. It seems difficult to do when those old traits try to sneak in.

Honestly, though, I don't think "feeling feminine" is something even natal women constantly feel. I would guess that any cis person just feels pretty neutral most of the time. It's this body/mind incongruence of ours that screws everything up. We think we have to feel feminine 24/7, but that's not true. Maybe it keeps dysphoria at bay, but that's something you can work on.

The thing that bothers me right now is my face and my large Adam's Apple. I can take selfies with the right light and angle and look passable, but I'm not passable in person yet. I still have to hear "sir" all the time. Even those terms of endearment like "man" and "dude" bother me when I know the person isn't mis-gendering me at all.

I also don't have much female clothing, but I'm not super femme so it doesn't bother me that much.

Ultimately, I just think you don't need to feel feminine all the time to know that you are a woman. If you can train yourself out of that you'll soon find just how unimportant it really is.

I go to a café regularly that is owned by Muslims, and I've known them for four years now. I am not out to them, because I like it here and I don't want things to be weird between us. So, I endure that. I don't masculinize myself around them, though. I'm sitting there now, actually. My nails are painted, I'm wearing a thin, black cardigan from H&M, and my posture isn't very "manly". I'm just being myself, and nobody says anything or asks questions. I don't feel less like a woman for not being open about my gender to them. I treat it like I'm withholding a mysterious secret like I have an ancient, magical relic inside me.

It's all psychological, and with effort and determination you can rise above it.

It always feels so good when I know I have helped someone. They just replied to me (I posted that in response to them):

"Thank you for this. You are echoing a lot of my rational thoughts concerning this but I can't seem to internalize them to the point of being able to self soothe, I guess thats what I'm going to therapy for. I think you're right though."

[Deleted]

The components for me don't fade, they are always present. For me, it's always permission to feel it all.


But I don't ever wear male underthings. Not a chance.

Because reality is I am my gender.

It doesn't go away.

My endgame isn't female though, I've lived as one at work, after a while, I don't really worry about how they gender me. I am a transperson so I rest in that.

Dysphoria totally sucks, hope you don't have too much.

For me, I enjoy it when I am all out girl, or any other look, because the body, transitioned, is a constant and the one I need so much.

[EchelonHunt]

Maintaining the feminine feeling just isn't possible for me.

It's not something I feel, it's something I am, if that makes sense?

I used to reject everything feminine and believed I didn't have a feminine bone in my body. After being on T for 5 years and just over 1-month post-op top surgery, I have become so comfortable with myself, my body and my identity that I no longer hold any hostility towards the thought of me dabbling in stereotypically feminine activities and enjoy them. If you had told me 8 years ago, that I'd be enjoying frilly clothing, medium-length wigs and lingerie as a boy, I would have laughed.

Very happy you helped someone feel less alone and offered insight. I have done the same over at Reddit and it's always uplifting to help other folks in need.

[Deleted]

Aug 8, 2015 21:19:54 GMT 8 EchelonHunt said:

Maintaining the feminine feeling just isn't possible for me.

It's not something I feel, it's something I am, if that makes sense?

I used to reject everything feminine and believed I didn't have a feminine bone in my body. After being on T for 5 years and just over 1-month post-op top surgery, I have become so comfortable with myself, my body and my identity that I no longer hold any hostility towards the thought of me dabbling in stereotypically feminine activities and enjoy them. If you had told me 8 years ago, that I'd be enjoying frilly clothing, medium-length wigs and lingerie as a boy, I would have laughed.

Very happy you helped someone feel less alone and offered insight. I have done the same over at Reddit and it's always uplifting to help other folks in need.

Well, femininity wouldn't make sense at all for you, but for MTF folks.

[Deleted]

I gotta disagree with you on that one Erin, with respect.

[Deleted]

Aug 9, 2015 9:35:53 GMT 8 Trinity said:

I gotta disagree with you on that one Erin, with respect.

Arin*

Well, you know what I mean. FTM aren't trying to be girly, and MTF aren't trying to be manly. I'm not talking about variations of personal expression, just the basic idea that we aren't necessarily transitioning to be even more like the gender we're not. You get what I'm saying?

[Deleted]

Are looking at forced feeling or presenting, or out of sic physical gender?

No, I'm trying to understand though.

For me, and I'm Nonbinary and v:/ery feminine at times, but it's a state of being, and everything flows from that.

How the help.did that frown face get in there..


Bloody cell phone

[Deleted]

Aug 8, 2015 21:19:54 GMT 8 EchelonHunt said:

Maintaining the feminine feeling just isn't possible for me.

It's not something I feel, it's something I am, if that makes sense?

I used to reject everything feminine and believed I didn't have a feminine bone in my body. After being on T for 5 years and just over 1-month post-op top surgery, I have become so comfortable with myself, my body and my identity that I no longer hold any hostility towards the thought of me dabbling in stereotypically feminine activities and enjoy them. If you had told me 8 years ago, that I'd be enjoying frilly clothing, medium-length wigs and lingerie as a boy, I would have laughed.

Very happy you helped someone feel less alone and offered insight. I have done the same over at Reddit and it's always uplifting to help other folks in need.

I have a similar feeling in the sense that now I am no longer threatened by traditional masculine aspects.  It's all part of the whole.




I think the mtf perspective at times seeks an unreachable goal depending on the individual.  It's all different for all of us.

[Deleted]

I got interrupted about 20 times during this post. Doesn't help.


How's the wig? Eye candy there girl?

[Deleted]

Aug 9, 2015 10:39:53 GMT 8 Trinity said:

I got interrupted about 20 times during this post. Doesn't help.


How's the wig? Eye candy there girl?

I don't know... I don't think it's for me. It's pretty, but it doesn't work with my face.

[Deleted]

Aug 9, 2015 10:41:17 GMT 8 @illuminess said:

Aug 9, 2015 10:39:53 GMT 8 Trinity said:

I got interrupted about 20 times during this post. Doesn't help.


How's the wig? Eye candy there girl?

I don't know... I don't think it's for me. It's pretty, but it doesn't work with my face.

I feel more real without mine.   


Just too aware it is an addition.

[julie456]

I think for me, I've always just had a feminine personality. I like wearing dresses and doing my makeup, I like curling my hair and painting my nails. I suppose I just do what I'd feel comfortable in. But, I understand what you're saying. I do notice that a lot of trans women feel the need to always dress up. It's just the fear of not passing and getting called out on it, but when you start to physically transition and appear more feminine, you're more comfortable and don't feel the need to be, I guess, ultra hyper femme woman? (I mean if that's what you're going for, go ahead)

In the beginning I suppose it's kind of like an addiction. I remember the first time I wore makeup outside (such a rush!), after that I'd spend hours everyday caking it on xD But now that I'm more comfortable with my identity I don't mind going outside barefaced ^^

I suppose I've been blessed with a more androgynous appearance (though I've noticed I've been getting more and more masculine as I'm getting older ). I usually get double takes or the awkward "miss, I mean sir!" at the store, but I kinda like being mysterious xD (though my parents always ruin it by saying "he's a boy" -.-)

I guess the key would be confidence? How you hold yourself and how comfortable you are will sometimes let people know.

[Ativan Prescribed]

I grew up being told about how 'girlish' I could be at times, and I knew it, but those remarks really didn't help at all, it meant I was out of place.
Where that place was supposed to be was never really explained, and at times I thought that I was all female, despite the obvious male body.
But that was only at times and about sorta certain things or kind of things. I was called out on it more times than I care to remember.
That part of me that identifies as female went through agony of High School and vowed, I vowed to never let it happen again, 'she' needed to toughen up.
I knew that inside, I wouldn't change, my thinking or feelings of gender would likely remain the same. But that part of me hated the teasing and general crap I had to take.
So that part of me just got tougher than most of the guys I hung around with and pretty much most of the High School males in general.
The tougher ones didn't really pay any attention to me, different crowd of people.
So 'she' learned to be be tough, turned herself into more of a masculine identity than most of the men I worked with.
But I still to this day, over 40 yrs later, can tell the difference between my maleness and femaleness, that didn't change, just her attitude.
I buried that part of me, never really let her out for very long as feminine, it felt uncomfortable, I was under the assumption that you had to be either or.
I think she's more masculine than the male aspects of my gender most days. But the lack or hiding of femininity has never changed which parts or aspects of my gender are female.
I have no idea what it would be like to be pretty much one or the other, and really don't want to know. I'm 'sir'd' all the time, with the exceptions from behind, the hair...
But a few years ago I found low dose HRT and it has allowed me to feel whether it is just an act of being tough, or I really have become that way.
I'm more or less allowed to be as feminine as I wish to be, but those aspects that identify as female, like the way I am most of the time, but there are moments.
It's in those moments that feel like it's more complete, but they never last. But I do know where they come from, I've been hiding them for years.
I think so many aspects of gender come from so many directions, that sometimes it feels like the female wants to be male and vice versa.
It's a pretty odd feeling and is also one that doesn't last, but I do know what aspects are female and which are male, just because they aren't stereotypical, doesn't mean a thing.
To try and pick through all of the what if's and whatever's and to line them all up or put them in piles, it wouldn't change a thing.
But I do smile at the idea that my female could kick my male's ass.
Underneath it all, the core of my gender never really changed, just the way it deals with it. 'She' has her times of being all feminine and such, I am that, my gender.
'She's' a tomboy and 'he's' an intellectual geek, pretty gender neutral.
Her version of maintaining the feminine feeling is beating the males at their own games, their rules. Most of the time, just mostly.

[Mingma]

Nicely put Ativan,
Thank You

[Deleted]

Yeah... It seems the cis folk think that if you transition that you're going to go high femme and date men. Well, some people do, and that's absolutely fine. That's not me, though. Like someone mentioned on I Am Cait: I never really felt uber feminine, but I knew I wasn't a man.

Gender is a very deep knowing, and how we express ourselves is just personal preference. I'm more like what might be called "soft butch". I like clothes that have a feminine aesthetic without being stereotypical, bright, or floral. I'm also very attracted to the more masculine women. I'm kind of dominant when it comes to intellectual things, but I'm definitely the submissive type. I'm not a protector as much as I love to be the one being protected, taken care of, being the smaller spoon.

I don't try to maintain any certain feeling to try to feel more like a woman. I don't need to. I know who I am. The only thing that gives me dysphoria right now is my body. It's extremely important to me to pass; not for everyone else, but for my own peace of mind.

I've been talking to someone this past week or so who currently lives in Missouri. Her name is Rae. I call her Rae Bae. She is a cis woman and quite the butch, and she has been so incredibly kind and supportive of me. She's not really all that physically attractive, but I've come to a point in my life where that really doesn't matter to me anymore. Here's some photos of her.