I don't know why I even bother...

[Deleted]

My house mates go out of town this weekend (without telling me) to visit our ex house mates, and I'm sick the whole time trying to stop my allergies. They come back tonight and we're sitting outside talking for a bit. Then they say they're tired and are going to bed. An hour later, I hear them outside talking again, so I open the door and say, "you guys were going to bed earlier, and now you're out here again!" They say something something insomnia and something something emotions. I said, "but I want to be social!" They just stare at me quietly, so I say "fine" and close the door.

I don't see anyone the whole damn weekend, and then they just shut me out when they get here. I know they aren't be jerks, but it makes me feel unwanted, like "uh, we don't want your company, so scram". They don't realise how it makes me feel. They're dating so I understand they want some time for just them, but it's the back patio. I shouldn't have to feel barred from going back there. I would say they can have that time in one of their bedrooms, but they are smokers.

Why does this have to upset me the way it does? Why can't I just get it and go on doing whatever by myself without feeling like they don't want me around? It seems like that would be the normal reaction, but it's not how I feel about it. What the hell is wrong with me?

[Deleted]

You might need an artists hang out...they probably are into each other ...double entendre intentional.

[EchelonHunt]

Were they smoking out the back when you heard them talking again?

When I was on my body's biological supply of estrogen, it made me feel like an emotional rollercoaster but not only that, I always seemed to think people didn't like me or they always went out of their way to avoid me or have as little possible to do with me. I've found it's not always the case and that reaction is usually the end result of low-confidence and low self-esteem, at least, for me, it was. T changed that though, I was still insecure on T but as I matured, my thinking changed and the way I approached situations has improved significantly.

I think people can easily pick up in these shifts in moods and thinking changes as it may be visible in the person's eyes or body language, without the person being aware of the shifts. Micro expressions, if you will.

Housemates aren't obligated to always include you in social times and they do live in the same house with you for however long it has been. I personally get twitch-y if I see too much of the same person over and over again, it's nothing against them personally, I may even like the person a lot and be close friends with them but I think, as humans, we all have limits on whom we share contact with. Sometimes we need breathing space and prefer to socialise with someone else we are closer to or feel more comfortable talking to. It sucks, it hurts, I've been there on the receiving end of that, when my best friend stopped hanging out with me to hang out with someone else who shared similar interests and values.

On the opposite end, while I was living in America, I dreaded spending time with my (then) girlfriend because she was always visibly stressed, on edge and prone to violent outbursts if I did anything marginally wrong in her eyes. When she spent her days at work, it was a big sigh of relief because I was finally able to relax.

It seems like no matter how I try to explain it, I sound like an asshole.

But Trinity's advice is sound. Artists or maybe even folks who dabble in the philosophical, spiritual and Applied Magic topics you love discussing? A book club would be fun, hey, you could even make your own book club! Have weekly topics to discuss and inspire some really deep discussion.

[Deleted]

I took a front table at a restaurant in a window, got a coffee and a soup, and wrote theater. It became my space. They liked it at the restaurant too.

If others come, nice. If not, its still a social environment that sets the stage for meeting new contacts. I did a hundred shows through networking, being visible, usually in theater bars.

Just a thought.

[Deleted]

Were they smoking out the back when you heard them talking again?

Yes. The thing is, our old house mate Rex was going through a breakup, and his ex would come over to talk to him privately, but it would be on the back patio. Erica and I agreed that the patio was not for private chats; it's where we all hang out. Now, with Nick here, he's kind of being alpha male about it, like I should just know to not go out there, but that's bullshit.

When I was on my body's biological supply of estrogen, it made me feel like an emotional rollercoaster but not only that, I always seemed to think people didn't like me or they always went out of their way to avoid me or have as little possible to do with me. I've found it's not always the case and that reaction is usually the end result of low-confidence and low self-esteem, at least, for me, it was. T changed that though, I was still insecure on T but as I matured, my thinking changed and the way I approached situations has improved significantly.

I felt that way even before I started on HRT. Since living here I've felt like a ghost for the most part. We have some good moments, but I always have to impose myself. Nobody ever actively includes me. Everyone orders pizza, but they don't ask me if I want any. Everyone goes out, but they don't ask if I want to come along. Whether I do or don't, being asked is what's important.

Housemates aren't obligated to always include you in social times and they do live in the same house with you for however long it has been. I personally get twitch-y if I see too much of the same person over and over again, it's nothing against them personally, I may even like the person a lot and be close friends with them but I think, as humans, we all have limits on whom we share contact with. Sometimes we need breathing space and prefer to socialise with someone else we are closer to or feel more comfortable talking to. It sucks, it hurts, I've been there on the receiving end of that, when my best friend stopped hanging out with me to hang out with someone else who shared similar interests and values.

Like I said, I am never included. I might see them every day in passing, but we really don't spend any time together as friends. 

But Trinity's advice is sound. Artists or maybe even folks who dabble in the philosophical, spiritual and Applied Magic topics you love discussing? A book club would be fun, hey, you could even make your own book club! Have weekly topics to discuss and inspire some really deep discussion.

Well, that's difficult for me to do since I don't have a car, and Uber is too expensive for me to use it all the time. There is one weekly meetup, but I haven't yet been able to make it. Twice, I didn't have a ride, and the third time I was sick. So, maybe next Friday.

[EchelonHunt]

Aug 17, 2015 23:53:41 GMT 8 @illuminess said:

Well, that's difficult for me to do since I don't have a car, and Uber is too expensive for me to use it all the time. There is one weekly meetup, but I haven't yet been able to make it. Twice, I didn't have a ride, and the third time I was sick. So, maybe next Friday.

There's nothing to say you can't hold a weekly book club at your house, if your housemates don't object to the idea that is. Could always start the book club up online and see if there are any folks who live in your local area who are interested in meeting up.

As in the famous words of Shia Labeouf, "JUST DO IT!"

[Deleted]

Aug 18, 2015 0:26:07 GMT 8 EchelonHunt said:

Aug 17, 2015 23:53:41 GMT 8 @illuminess said:

Well, that's difficult for me to do since I don't have a car, and Uber is too expensive for me to use it all the time. There is one weekly meetup, but I haven't yet been able to make it. Twice, I didn't have a ride, and the third time I was sick. So, maybe next Friday.

There's nothing to say you can't hold a weekly book club at your house, if your housemates don't object to the idea that is. Could always start the book club up online and see if there are any folks who live in your local area who are interested in meeting up.

As in the famous words of Shia Labeouf, "JUST DO IT!"

I think I'll pass on the book club. I like hanging out with less than three people at a time. How does one have a book club, anyway? All I read is esoteric and psychology literature. I want a BFF... someone to go do things with like geocaching, walks through the park, taking pictures of abandoned houses, etc.

[Deleted]

Aug 5, 2015 13:57:27 GMT 8 @illuminess said:

...trying to have fun, that is. I watch people coming and going, doing whatever they want with friends (that I don't seem to have), having fun, and I'm sitting here screaming for a month that I want to go see the band Marriages tomorrow night. I even bought a ticket. Nobody wants to go, and I can't even get a ride. I'm fucking sick of this. It makes me feel like shit, and I just want to cry and sleep forever.

Who the hell is Marriages anyway. I've never heard of them. Depending I may not want to go see them with you either and I am trans too.

I think maybe you need to make some friends of your own. Like minded people with the same interests you have. Go out. Go to a club that caters to the LGBT community. Sometimes room mates are just that, people that share the rent and have not too much in common. Hell in the military I had room mates that I had absolutely nothing in common with. Other than that I made sure I could afford the rent on my own and lived alone. Or live with a lover and they let me decorate the way I want.

Maybe your mom is just as depressed as you and why she said that. I don't know.

You can have fun. You just need to find friends that share the same interests as you. Like I said room mates are there pretty much to help pay rent. Other than that, they are more or less strangers.

[Deleted]

OK checked out the band. Pretty good on some things but others not to my taste. Would I go see them? Probably not. I would rather see In This Moment, Halestorm or Texas Hippie Coalition before Marriages. Maybe I would go see them a little "off kilter".

[Ativan Prescribed]

Aug 18, 2015 1:01:49 GMT 8 @illuminess said:

Aug 18, 2015 0:26:07 GMT 8 EchelonHunt said:

 I want a BFF... someone to go do things with like geocaching, walks through the park, taking pictures of abandoned houses, etc.

What's around you locally that isn't to far to walk or is on like a bus line?
Even local parks are a good place to meet people if you're careful enough.
Look for community events that don't completely turn you off, you can always leave if they end up doing that.
If you aren't already, then it's time you put yourself out there more, stop the madness of wanting, so go looking...
It usually starts off with 'Hi..', a smile, you just never know...