the death of the old man, birth of a woman

[Deleted]

I see old pics...he's gone. Buried in me, part of me, but gone in many ways.

My eldest, the one that can't handle my transition, finally voiced it, another perspective.

She thought it sad that h'er dad she knew is gone... I keep some things for show, but how long can I keep it up, and why?

There may come a day...

Do you see your past as...what? Killed by dysphoria, or transformed?

Late transitioning.

Nonbinary style, keeping who we are integrating it. Or not...

Thoughts?

My old man is in my core. He dances in There and rests, he moved on. The blend remains, but it is changing.

Thoughts about leaving who you were behind, or not...

Love from the fairy of the forest.

[Ayla]

SJ/Julie

Fascinating. Is there then a marked difference between a non binary and a binary transition? In the former my sense is that it is best seen as an amalgam of the old and the new, whereas a binary transition is more of a transmutation?

Safe travels

Aisla

[Deleted]

Dec 14, 2014 4:56:37 GMT 8 Trinity said:

I see old pics...he's gone. Buried in me, part of me, but gone in many ways.

My eldest, the one that can't handle my transition, finally voiced it, another perspective.

She thought it sad that h'er dad she knew is gone... I keep some things for show, but how long can I keep it up, and why?

There may come a day...

Do you see your past as...what? Killed by dysphoria, or transformed?

Late transitioning.

Nonbinary style, keeping who we are integrating it. Or not...

Thoughts?

My old man is in my core. He dances in There and rests, he moved on. The blend remains, but it is changing.

Thoughts about leaving who you were behind, or not...

Love from the fairy of the forest.

You see old Pics.... He is gone? Really? Was he ever really there to begin with or was it just a facade? A mask to wear to present to the world? Or was she always really in control and masqueraded as a guy?

I really can't speak for you SJ/Trinity. I do love Trinity better than SJ. ;) So Trinity, I can only go by my own experience hon and that was I was always female and even posing as male, women in my life that loved me fell in love with the female aspects of me. My Ex even fell in love iwth the feamle in me, not the male. The male is fake. The male sux. The male mask I wear is and "A" hole. He is way over the top. OMG he had so many freakin' girlfriends for that over the top BS. But the girls and women that I had feelings for and they formed feeling for me was because of the female. Not the male.

OMG. We are told from such an early age that what is inside is what is important. Love holds no boundries and when we love someone we let the inside shine through all the fake BS that we show the rest of the world. Yeah when my ture inside came out it cost me a divorce. But no more hiding. No more faking. Oh yeah, to me he is still there but no longer important. Oh yeah I see him in the mirror sometimes. I see him in pictures, but all that is fake. That is not me. :-[ And then again it is me. Being nonbinary is not easy. No matter if MTFNB or FTMNB or somewhere in between that even. Yeah it can get complicated but I believe you are stronger than you realize or give yourself credit for. It does suck because even as MTF or FTM, we are always goann' feel a little different than average cis or fully MTF or FTM. I say who give a crap? Be who you are and be proud of who you are. I am extremely proud to know Trinity. I am proud to be me no matter what kind of "shit" I catch from anyone. They don't have to be me but I do.

I know it sounds stupid and in "the old world" someone mentioned "cheerleaders". I'm not a cheerleder other than I love the uniforms and wearing them. (we need more smileys Jacey, like rolling eyes and the devil horns) But you have always been you. It is nothing new. What most people fall for is an image when they really fall for us. Sometimes that image is hard to maintain and trying to maintain it will drive you crazy. Yeah I know. I'm not that smart but always be you and no matter what be you. Life will take care of itself. Your life will take care of itself. Sometimes bad things happen but there is always something good around the corner if you are true to yourself.

Hon, I say this out of love for you and an honest caring. People are gonna' love you and others maybe not so much so and others yet will hate you. You, above all, have to love yourself. I lost a longtime marriage and it hurt. But she fell in love with the female side of me and not the male and when I let that female come through she couldn't be a lesbian. OMG the fake male was an ass. The famale really cared for her. We called it quits. She is with a real man now and I am too. She is still not happy, I am. We never know what life has in store for us.

I am sooooo sorry if this offends or hurts you in anyway and apologize from the bottom of my heart. But we can only be a fake for so long.

PS. If this hurts anyone at all please have it removed because that wasn't my intention. It's just something I have lived through.

[Deleted]

Dec 14, 2014 9:13:10 GMT 8 @jamie said:

Dec 14, 2014 4:56:37 GMT 8 Trinity said:

I see old pics...he's gone. Buried in me, part of me, but gone in many ways.

My eldest, the one that can't handle my transition, finally voiced it, another perspective.

She thought it sad that h'er dad she knew is gone... I keep some things for show, but how long can I keep it up, and why?

There may come a day...

Do you see your past as...what? Killed by dysphoria, or transformed?

Late transitioning.

Nonbinary style, keeping who we are integrating it. Or not...

Thoughts?

My old man is in my core. He dances in There and rests, he moved on. The blend remains, but it is changing.

Thoughts about leaving who you were behind, or not...

Love from the fairy of the forest.

You see old Pics.... He is gone? Really? Was he ever really there to begin with or was it just a facade? A mask to wear to present to the world? Or was she always really in control and masqueraded as a guy?

I really can't speak for you SJ/Trinity. I do love Trinity better than SJ.  So Trinity, I can only go by my own experience hon and that was I was always female and even posing as male, women in my life that loved me fell in love with the female aspects of me. My Ex even fell in love iwth the feamle in me, not the male. The male is fake. The male sux. The male mask I wear is and "A" hole. He is way over the top. OMG he had so many freakin' girlfriends for that over the top BS. But the girls and women that I had feelings for and they formed feeling for me was because of the female. Not the male.

OMG. We are told from such an early age that what is inside is what is important. Love holds no boundries and when we love someone we let the inside shine through all the fake BS that we show the rest of the world. Yeah when my ture inside came out it cost me a divorce. But no more hiding. No more faking. Oh yeah, to me he is still there but no longer important. Oh yeah I see him in the mirror sometimes. I see him in pictures, but all that is fake. That is not me. :-[ And then again it is me. Being nonbinary is not easy. No matter if MTFNB or FTMNB or somewhere in between that even. Yeah it can get complicated but I believe you are stronger than you realize or give yourself credit for. It does suck because even as MTF or FTM, we are always goann' feel a little different than average cis or fully MTF or FTM. I say who give a crap? Be who you are and be proud of who you are. I am extremely proud to know Trinity. I am proud to be me no matter what kind of "shit" I catch from anyone. They don't have to be me but I do.

I know it sounds stupid and in "the old world" someone mentioned "cheerleaders". I'm not a cheerleder other than I love the uniforms and wearing them. (we need more smileys Jacey, like rolling eyes and the devil horns) But you have always been you. It is nothing new. What most people fall for is an image when they really fall for us. Sometimes that image is hard to maintain and trying to maintain it will drive you crazy. Yeah I know. I'm not that smart but always be you and no matter what be you. Life will take care of itself. Your life will take care of itself. Sometimes bad things happen but there is always something good around the corner if you are true to yourself.

Hon, I say this out of love for you and an honest caring. People are gonna' love you and others maybe not so much so and others yet will hate you. You, above all, have to love yourself. I lost a longtime marriage and it hurt. But she fell in love with the female side of me and not the male and when I let that female come through she couldn't be a lesbian. OMG the fake male was an ass. The famale really cared for her. We called it quits. She is with a real man now and I am too. She is still not happy, I am. We never know what life has in store for us.

I am sooooo sorry if this offends or hurts you in anyway and apologize from the bottom of my heart. But we can only be a fake for so long.

PS. If this hurts anyone at all please have it removed because that wasn't my intention. It's just something I have lived through.

Fine with it dear. Yes, he was real, that part of me is real. So is the female part. No acts, but the girl was ignored.

It's complicated.

And keep posting sweetheart. It's all good.

Love you...

Trinity

[Deleted]

OH god Trinity. The absolute worst part is ignoring one or the other. I don't think it's about as much ignoring as denying. I had to deny for four years and that sucked. After the four years of denying except for small instances here and there, there was no more denial. then Jamie went wild and at times wide freakin' open with the close door fully open and the light on. The very first day I ETSed I hit a wig shop, the makeup counter at JC Penny's and the women's section for clothing too. At that point I didn't care. Not to metnion the lengere' I bought. I have 4000 dollars to spend and sp[ent roughly about half of it on makeup, clothes, shoes, sexy undies and sleepwear.
 
For me ignoring one part made "her" stronger. Ignoring that part made me realize she was more me and I her then ever him. It is gonna' sound really messed up but "he" is and asshole. He is fake. He is way to over the top and anyone that can't see that is, well, an idiot. Too many people have known "something".

[EchelonHunt]

When I was in high school, I was horrible... a raging b*tch would be a suffice enough term to describe me. I was forced into relationships I had no interest in, thanks to peer pressure. I yelled at my "boyfriend" who tried to sway me with romantic gestures. Yet I didn't have the guts to break up with him. I was a coward. When he broke up with me and openly flirted with a girl in front of me and when she flirted back without hesitation, I felt like I was an alien who could not understand or adapt to flirting, attraction, arousal, the things that come naturally for others never came naturally to me, ever. Even now, it is something I have come to accept as my normal, something I cannot change as I have tried many times to change but to no avail.

I was miserable, I rejected all the feminine things because I feared if I enjoyed feminine activities, that it would reaffirm that I am "female", something I did not believe myself to be ... I know now that gender expression is not always an indication of one's gender identity. Wearing formal female clothing that were figure-hugging in the "right places" to accentuate my curves or my breasts... it made me feel sick back then. Still makes me shudder and shake at the thought of it now. It's no wonder I dived into drawing and gaming to escape from it all.

When I became male, I clutched onto the identity like a child would to a security blanket. It was everything being female was not. My inability to express my feelings and inability to connect to others in forms of intimacy continued to rear its ugly head. Even as a guy, I wasn't a raging b*tch anymore, I was now an asshole. Relationships had these invisible rules that expected me to act a certain way, to be dominant rather than submissive. I hated these rules and invisible standards that were placed on either sex. I wanted the freedom to love others in my way, not ways society deem as appropriate.

Embracing my core non-binary identity, the feminine and male aspects of my identity have integrated with the core. The feminine side who wants nothing to do with being female, the male who doesn't want to conform to the male stereotypes, they just want to be themselves without being squished into a male or female box. Becoming one with me, their fears and concerns melt away as a non-binary identity and body allows them to flourish and coexist as one entity.

[Deleted]

It's still very physical with me. Last night I was stealth male, and I enjoyed it greatly. I really am Nonbinary. But the body has to be girl, and I need to be authentic.

The guy in the mirror has changed, high dose estradiol has done good work.

It's just, fundamental change.

Mm, can I have two grand for lingerie and clothes too?

Yummy.

Oh to get drilled again. Lucky Jamie.

And jayce, that core merge...yes! I have felt this, flow with it, dance the core I will sing a tune...

[Deleted]

Dec 14, 2014 7:14:38 GMT 8 Ayla said:

SJ/Julie

Fascinating. Is this there a difference between a non binary and a binary transition? In the former my sense is that it is an amalgam of old and new whereas a binary transition is more of a transmutation?

Safe travels

Aisla

Nonbinary mtf transition. Hmmmm

Dunno. Means I get a girl body and present any way I feel like it, and that the core is a blend.

I am not girl inside, some is, I see myself as third gendered.

Still can't look between my legs happily. Have to think of it as an attached toy.

[Auroramarianna]

I completely wholeheartdely agree with Jamie!!

I think the "man" is never really there for me, I can't even pretend even if I want to and I'm just myself. It's other people that told my whole life that I was different, and I felt different, and I did try to fit in. But in the female mould. I tried to reinforce some girly attitudes to my parents so they would see that I'm a girl. I showed my dad the results of silly BBC brain gender test which gave me female. I don't really believe in male/female brain division now, but I tried so hard to show people I was meant to be a girl. Maybe I'm not meant to be a girl at all. I guess I feel like a girl but this is such a tricky concept and I do have dysphoria, but at the end of the day I am just me. I am doing this because I feel I need to. Who knows? I just need to do it. I don't fit in as a guy, and it's so hard. Because physically, I'm also quite feminine. I will never know why I am this way, but I am just am. When I act, I'm not really thinking "omg I need to act masculine" I just act. I'm hoping transition makes my life better. If I could, I would just transform.  I wish I could give birth to my kids one day, I wish I wouldn't have to do with what I will have to do, but there's no use in thinking this way, it hurts and it's so unproductive. I really just want to fit in.