overcoming hate

[Deleted]

This won't be a nice post.
I got pounced on at AA by a trans phobe who is going to complain to the steering committee about how the meeting was run.  A lot of lives and healing have been saved since I started that meeting.  It was excellent, powerful this morning, he chose to hijack it, to the damage of newbies.   I ran it full transition hair and heels, I do that to feel many things, to try to heal socially, and to see the interactions and how my core and gender reacts.  I guess I'm tolerated if I ...keep my place...by this guy.

I'm tired of being treated as a pervert.

I missed a bid yesterday, they are going after me for it.  The supervisor is not trustworthy, his hidden deeds were exposed before by Cynthia to me, today I intercepted a copy machine email he printed, he is building a case... 

Same place a transphobic guy wrote me up for making a pass when I said dear, same one that said showing a personal pic is sexual harrassment.


I'm getting tired of the snubbing, the disgust in others eyes when they see me.   The ...throw a blanket over him...mentality to hide this embarrassing shameful creature, and that's getting reinforced from political sources.

How do we keep it from getting to us?   I absorb so much negative energy from the hostility around me that it just drains me, like a vampire around my neck.

Yesterday the stress took me out.  This morning there is hell to pay.   Instead of looking at themselves, they want to eliminate the one that causes their discomfort, because I don't hide who I am, after 50 years you get fed up with bullshit.

I think.the answer is spiritual.   Self validation, validation by the God of your understanding, however that may be for you personally.

For me, knowing that is what matters.  Knowing I have friends here that know what I am talking about.

Do you condemn me for being out, putting family and career at risk because I choose to face down the haters and fight for what's right?  They'll be ok till one of the haters screws with my wife, kids or paycheck.   And I don't think they will, maybe I am naive, but I don't think God got me here to take me out, or to be a martyr.   I sense too much that I am right where I need to be.

The Jenner thing has polarize social connections.  Made folk take a position, stop ignoring people like us.  I'm getting backlash, but I have others that are friends and are cis.

The novelty has worn off , true colors are showing through the veils.

Shame on those who paint us to be perverts and demonic because we were born gender divergent.

Shame.

I can't give in to hate or bitterness.  I need to love, and let their hate be shown as the ignorance it is.  I need to be relentlessly wired into core and spirit, and to be real.

I can't do this any other way.

At least I know I had the balls to be me.

Experience anyone?  With overcoming hate and scorn?

Blessings

Trinity

[Deleted]

Strangely, none of this seems to matter right now.

Personally I feel good.

If they don't, oh well.

Too bad.

Time to enjoy being out...

HAH!

[Laura J]

It certainly is good to be out, for all of us in our own varying degrees and individual ways.! YAY us.!

Some people are just not ready to accept us Trinity, no matter what we say or do.? It has nothing to do with demons, or our faith, or anything we have done.. Those people will always be against what they see as different, and things they don't or won't try and understand.

It's not your fault, and you've done nothing wrong.!
God bless, and big hug.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Overcoming hate can be a personal choice that you make.
You can choose to stand up to it.
But just as they have no real right to impose their personal view on to you, you don't have a right to do the same to them.
By all means, stand out if that is what your intentions are.
But you need to be aware that there will be those who it will push into their personal comfort zones.
Just as they have no right to push their views into yours, you have no right to push into theirs.
When it comes down to you both have that right, haters make fools out of themselves, unless you are in a group of like minded haters or what ever.

It is entirely dependent on where you are, the people you interact with.
A way of looking at it is the open carry people who can legally do so.
They have the right to display their fake assault rifles if they want to.
But at the same time, if they walk into a restaurant and it is making the patrons nervous, they are pushing into those peoples comfort zones.
Sure, you have that right, but if people raise a ruckus and want you to go put your toy in your car if you want to eat there, you have to accept that.
Same person walks into a bar that a majority of people are showing off their weapons and it's a pissing contest to see who is the most bad-ass looking, it's just fine.
It's very dependent on where you are and who is there.

If you are making people uncomfortable, you have to take responsibility not for you, but for making them uncomfortable.
Even if you have all the right in the world to be and look any way you care to.
If you're somewhere that people just don't care, and a hater just has to say something to stir up shit, you have to make a choice, again.
You ignore and walk away or something on that order, or you deal up front with the confrontation.
You need to be prepared to defend yourself verbally or otherwise.
People have just as much right to express their views as you do.
If you are in a situation that most people are going to respect your right to be you and don't approve of that other persons viewpoints, you can fight back if you care to.
But you can't tell that person they have no right to their personal views, no matter how stupid they are.

But you can express your reasons for yours in a manner that takes them down a notch or more, if the situation allows you to.
Kinda like the can't yell fire in a crowded movie theater, there are limits to what's acceptable and it depends on where you are and who is there.
If you encounter haters, your reaction, how you are going to overcome that becomes a choice for you, not for them, they just made their choice.

Most people will tolerate and even wish they could be a little rebellious at times, it shows individuality, something that society can be very lacking in.
But you can't take that to the point of pushing it into others comfort zone without them pushing back.
Haters are usually, as an individual, easy to deal with, but not so much a group of them, especially if they are a majority.
They just think their comfort zone is more important than yours.
The edges of anyone's comfort zone is based on whatever fears a person has.

The thing about people who are actual haters and not just someone who is uncomfortable, is that hate is a version of anger.
All anger stems from a fear of one sort or another, whether it is unfounded or justifiable, it doesn't matter, it's a fear of some kind.
Think about that, let it roll around in your thoughts, think about when you get angry.
It's an expression of fear and you are compensating for it.
Anger is a good and instinctive way of dispelling that fear, to not let it be evident of what it is, what the fear is, it's a protective personal state of mind.
Anger puts others on the defense, keeping others fears on the defense.

Haters? Know or be able to recognize what that fear is.
Either let it go because they can't help it and it's a pathetic attempt on their part to cover it up, or use it against them in a dialogue that keeps that fear up front and above their hate talk.
It takes away the power that hate has, if you can expose the fear behind it.
If you're going to let their hate cause you to be angry, you're in a position for them to work your fears against you.
Then the choice is to overcome them with their fears, or you walk away knowing that they just used your fears against you and you're going to be angry one way or another.

If you're one of those people who can keep from getting angry over a haters comments, then you know your fears and can keep them in perspective.
That's the preferred outcome for you, keeping it in perspective, know your fears and know that it is a reaction and you can keep it in that perspective.
Learn how to do that and there isn't a confrontation, you walk away with your head held high, you didn't allow their fears to trigger yours into taking over.

Otherwise, overcoming hate, usually is going to take having to manipulate the conversation or what ever into exposing and capitalizing on their fears.
You need to be able to do it effectively, in a non-stop dialogue of just what it is and why they need to adjust their thinking to get rid of the fears that are shown as anger and hate.
Not an easy thing to do for most people, haters usually have a lot of practice and know other haters who help justify that as a way to dispel their fears.
To be effective, you need to keep it confined to just the one fear or at least within the same group of them if there are several. Usually there are.
If you push other ones into it, like their fear of being embarrassed in front of their buddies, you open up another hate to deal with, it can escalate.
That's why a non-stop dialogue about that fear usually works best, it keeps them backing up, focused on the one that came out as hate towards you.

Once it's apparent that you have stopped their dialogue of hate to the point that it is done or isn't defensible, you walk away.
No apologies, no 'see ya', you walk away and don't look back.
Don't think that because you won that little skirmish that you can win another one.
Take the little victory that is yours and walk away.
You just ruined their day, they will likely ruminate about it, rolling the 'I should have said..' thing around.
Take it to far and they may decide to confront you again.
Never a good thing to have the same confrontation over and over, they just get better at it.

The best way to deal with hate is to understand that it is fear driven and is designed to expose your fears, maybe even get you into a hate filled contest of wills.
Let it go, learn to recognize it for what it is.
You scare that person, they have a fear of you for whatever reason.
Know it and walk away from it without acknowledging it, it takes their fear and turns it against them, because you ignored it, it isn't your problem.
They still have to deal with it, you don't.

If they continue to express their hate enough, others walk away as well.
Then they have to deal with their fears, alone.
Or go and sulk about it with their other hater buddies, but they risk becoming low on the pecking order because they couldn't deal with it.
Either way, they are still stuck with it.

Don't let them win at that game by acknowledging them, you do and they can work your fears against you in an attempt to justify theirs.
Don't let them.
Instead, let them, make them, deal with their fears, they don't belong to you.
Neither does their hate, it's their problem, it's their fears.
Let them be full of anxiety over unfounded fears that causes them to turn it into anger and hate.
People like that burn themselves out by thinking in a circle and being stuck in it.
Don't let them do that to you, walk away and know your fears are nothing but a reaction, they don't need to take precedence in your life.
Be fearless in life, it's just a reaction.
It's not the same as being scared, that usually has a good reason behind it, but don't let fear make being scared of something worse than what it is.
Being scared about something is because you know the odds are not favorable, or seem to be.
Let go of the fear and you can deal with the odds, in whatever way they need.
Fear is just a reaction that you won't be able to, it gets in the way of dealing with it.
Be fearless in the face of hate.
Hate depends on you becoming fearful for it to be effective, and is overcome by recognizing that it is they who are filled with fear.
Ativan

[Deleted]

I feel it.

Interesting developments after Ativan's post. Cynthia if you read below, you know nothing about this, I am not supposed to speak of it.

A fellow named Stan is about to be promoted over estimating and be my boss. I have history with Stan. That also teams me up more with the fellow named Joe who wrote me up for sexual harassment cause I called him (and everyone else) dear. I don't say that word at work any more.

Stan has a history of being very vocal about anti gay. He was at the zero tolerance meeting however where it was specifically said that I'm basically hands off. No gossip tolerated in the office about me being transitioned.

Stan cannot look me in the face, neither can Joe. Its out of their comfort zone.

Now the choices start. I may even wear sunglasses around them, I do not with to back off on current presentation, I've been presenting like this for a while, and it does ease my dysphoria to do so. If they cannot handle eye contact, then maybe that can help. Even without the glasses and no mascara, eye contact is tough right now, I'm bi, there is going to be that in the eyes whether I want it there or not.

Joe I'm not worried about, the interaction is minimal, conversations concerning business occur, he doesn't look up. Courtesy is extended by both, its all very professional. My end too.

Legally I'm protected here.

Business wise, I think tables can be turned. First, the integrity and ego factor will trump the fear factor, they are wrapped up in that integrity, to do anything other than accept and excel will be viewed badly by themselves and others here.

It could be an opportunity to overcome some deep stuff, Stan was good with me before I came out, has not said a word other than hello since I did come out as trans. He was a good mentor in business, rough, corse, but with my best interest at heart, he saved my job a few years back.

It puts him to the test, and puts me in a strange position. If they are smart, they'll give us some distance so we are not in each others hair. Leave me in my 1st floor cubicle doing what I am doing, and him upstairs. It would work.

And I'd set it up to make him look good by making money selling using his mentoring skill, and I'd make more commissions in turn and maybe stop suffering financially.

It can happen.

I'm up for it, I know I can do this. I'll have to be sharp though. But stripping the jewelry and makeup, feels like letting the bullies win. I cant do that. Theres a point where it just is too much.

Wonder how Stan feels getting stuck with managing a transsexual, and if he doesn't make his numbers, he's the one in trouble. Me too, but he'd fall. Interesting scenario here.

Nails out....
---Battle Fairy.


BTW
-- I don't mean to make the thread about me, not by any means. I'd like to hear how it is for everyone else, the thread is intended to benefit other readers of the forum, I'm just the originator of the conversation. The thread is about you, and trans issues, not about me. I'm just talking real world stuff and experience here, nothing more. I loved Stars Post, and Ativans post is brilliant. I also am dialing back the presentation at AA to andro, they accept that easier than full female presenting. I can do that no prob.

How have you handled the real world our there my dear ones? Have you won any haters over? Brought them to a better understanding? Overcome hate with love? Or firmness?

This is something that is common to each and every one of us, this issue.

[Deleted]

So I can change avatar, this is business presentation.
Attachment Deleted

[Edge]

I haven't had many problems with haters. I know I've met at least two, but they tend not to mess with me. One said something transphobic to me, I yelled at him, and he never bothered me again. The other just avoids me.
I'm not interested in overcoming hate. I know I'm "supposed to" and I'm supposed try to be the "better man" or a doormat or something, but that's not the kind of guy I am or have any interest in being. They hate me, I hate them, but mine is more forceful than theirs and I beat them with experience. Maybe that's why they avoid me.

[Sisyphus]

I think you're very brave for being out honestly, because I'm very cowardly. I don't think that staying in the closet to protect family and job and children is better than being out or vice versa. I do think this Caitlyn Jenner thing has very much polarized society and true colors are showing through. there is a lot of hate and the business world is full of back stabbers and cut throats.

[Deleted]

We live in a real world, with real choices, it's not a fairy tale, or projection of our wants onto others, demanding acceptance.

There is an attitude of carrying self that says don't screw with me. Even my current fights, they don't take me head on. But they have more subtle ways, and those attitudes wear you down.


I have to fight bitterness, it's the poison of others injected into my mind, ruminating on past hurts. There is a way to overcome that, it is a spiritual path, one I walk...


But knowing what the enemy is, understanding the battle and rules of engagement, knowing that collateral damage can take out your family, it must be weighed against principles, values, how much to sacrifice, how ready for war, and how to turn war into simply allies, paradyne shifts to acceptance or tolerance.

The families did not ask to be part of that fight. It's up to us to determine what to do, even making choices unfair to ourselves or trans, for the sake of innocence.

So, no cowards. Just choices, none of them easy. This ain't a cheerleading section for supertrans. This is life on life's terms, and living it.

Trinity

[Taka]

open hate is rare here.
people are way too underhanded, never openly express anything.
just pulling their strings in silence, trying to get rid of all that they hate.

if someone actually expresses that they don't like me for something to do with my personality...
though i don't think they will. i'm not an easy victim at all, and it seems like people are aware.

they can still bully me, passively.
but there's nothing much i can do about that.

hate isn't only about fear though. it can also originate from loss.
i don't fear the guy who abused me, or the ones who abused people i care about.
i still hate them though. a whole lot. they've stolen something which can never be returned.