How early did your trans experience begin?

[Deleted]

I would have to say real early.  Like, fantasies about wearing the girls panties, really early.

Knowing i was different, first grade it hit really hard.

I never was a cis, from the beginning.  I was born different, I was born trans.

It only got stronger from there.  one year after the next, just got stronger.

Untill at 55 my mind finally crashed out completely on it, had to go forward, had to get hormones, could think of nothing else.

Earliest memories.

[LivingTheDream]

Well, I remember my first friend in school was a tomboy type girl. I remember during recess going around with her, I think was with her, and kissing everyone lol. Well, know I was kissing the boys, idk about the girls though, things are fuzzy still for me this early in life. I think my first few friends were girls during that age. So ya, was weird all along. I don't believe tho that I thought I was a girl but I can't say for sure.

She would be friends up until like 2nd grade I believe. Remember one type we were gonna go swimming in a small kids pool in my backyard, mom caught us changing together, hollering followed. I remember the last time we hung out/talked. We went to the park and she was on like a balance beam of wood. She fell and smacked her face on the wood, busted up her jaw and needed stitches...For some reason after that, never talked again. Don't really remember all that happened exactly.

I believe 2nd grade or so is when I started sneaking into my mom's things, can't say for sure but was young I know that. Can't remember why I did so, what was going thru my mind, how I felt, but knew it was wrong so kept it to myself. Started playing with her smokes back around this time too, couldn't figure out how to work a lighter tho haha. To the best of my knowledge, I think I just wanted to be her or be like her, think that was what was going thru my mind.

And ya, things just kept going on from there, taking things a bit farther slowly over time. I don't think I ever stopped doing these things, know I never purged anything ever to try to stop doing so, only time I did so was to make room for new things. I believe I was pretty damn good at hiding this, idk, guess maybe I will find out if ever tell my bro, maybe he knows things that I don't.

[Deleted]

Great post Julie! As a kid I didn't have any TG proclivities as I recall, yeah I tried sex with other boys during early puberty but that's pretty common as most kids have to satiate their curiosity about what works and what doesn't. But the gender issue wasn't there until I was in Vietnam taking in a Bob Hope USO special at the Bien Hoa Airbase and on came Joey Heatherton and I went OMG I want to be her! I thought holy shit! Where do those weird thoughts come from? There were other things during that time that triggered similar thoughts and so I won't belabor it any further than to say I was 20 at the time that I thought that I wished to be a female. Since then I have channeled it into this non binary direction and feel quite comfortable at this time.

[Metamorph]

I suppose it depends on how you define trans experience. When I was 3 or 4 I was living in a duplex on an army base. These twin boys moved in on the other side. They were a year younger than me. The three of us were together a lot. Often my oldest brother was with us. This is about the time I started refusing pink and refusing dresses. I think I was saying I was a boy at times. I think I assumed if I kept saying I was a boy I'd become one. It's hard to understand the thoughts of a kid that age. I think my parents started calling me a tomboy about then. One day all of us boys were out playing and they decided to have a peeing contest. Everyone lined up to see who could pee the farthest. I was so mad. I wanted to do that and I was told I wasn't a boy and couldn't. It was the first time I understood that my body wasn't a boys and wasn't going to be. I bawled.

Then elementary school started. When lining up there was a boys line and a girls line. I kept getting into the boys line. After a time of being laughed at and scolded I became more resigned to the girls line but I would often try to be out of line so I wasn't stuck lining up with the girls. I insisted I could do anything the boys could do except peeing contests and pretty much proved that. I was never butch but I was tough. I could throw a football better than any of my peers. I could take a punch better too. My parents didn't get it. Weirdly enough my dad was more accepting than my mom and taught me the same as my brother. My mother basically gave up trying to get me into dresses but never stopped pushing me to be a girl.

So, up until puberty I just kept pushing to be treated as a "tomboy" to be given the same treatment as boys. Something I don't remember but my parents told me about is apparently I set up a hug protest that girls were not allowed in the intramural flag football league. I don't remember that, but I do remember the male teacher turning to me while we were playing and saying with surprise "you are good". heh.

Sometime just before puberty I saw a donahue show (remember Phil Donahue?) about transgender people. Actually everyone on the show was mtf. I was amazed and fascinated. At the end of the show I turned to my mom and said that maybe that was me. She said "maybe" but her tone wasn't happy and then she pointed out that it was only males to female. I think she mentioned some reasons I wouldn't pass as a male, too. And I thought about that. I grew up in a really f-ed up family. I thought about how horribly my dad treated my brother. How if I was a boy I could never cry. How if I was a boy, I would lose my soft side. I know that's not true now, but then I didn't. And I didn't want a penis. Ok, there is a lot to that last one but I'm still sorting it out in therapy. So I decided I couldn't be trasngender.

When I started junior high I when through a stage where I really tried to be a girl. I think I even described it that way. It didn't last long. I was trying yet again to do makeup one day and suddenly thought, "What am I doing?". I was really bad at it and miserable. It just made no sense to keep going with it. So, a few months of trying to be a girl and then I went back to being stubbornly ungirl-like. I wasn't butch though. I was never seen that way. Most of my life I had long hair. It was the one bit of female expression I liked so maybe that's why. I self-identified as tom-boy. I was insistent that as a woman I, and others, could do the same thing as men. I remember in college someone called me a feminist and I strongly disagreed. I didn't really understand why then, but now I think I do. For me it was about gender expression.

So, I was being stubbornly myself but I didn't have the energy to understand myself. Life was about survival starting about puberty. It was that way for a lot of years. And then, once I was ready to sort out issues, I first had to work on safety and sanity. I'm going to say something that I really hope doesn't upset anyone. I am not dismissing or diminishing anyone else experience. For me, as hard as the gender issues have been, the crazy and abusive experiences with my family and some others have been much harder to deal with.

So, after being in some therapy for a time and cutting ties with my family things began to get clearer. I was able to start recognizing what was a gender issue and what was a past-history issue. And it became clear to me, that even if I solved all my past-history type issues (heh), the gender would still be a huge issue. Somewhere in there I stumbled upon the term genderqueer. And that resolved the other thing that was keeping me from going further down this trans-journey. I didn't have to fit into some male mold. I could transition and still be me. That was one of the best discoveries ever.

heh, so I maybe covered more than just how my journey began. Sorry. if you didn't read this all I understand... of course, if you didn't read this you won't see this.

[Deleted]

I read it all and it makes sense, so now I understand more clearly where you're coming from and why you feel the way you do. Isn't this just great having a place where we can discuss these things without coming under attack and our thoughts being rejected? 

[Deleted]

Well, if we're talking about how early we realised something was different, then that began in childhood. The idea of being female trapped in a male body never crossed my mind, though. I just had thoughts that seemed perfectly normal to me. I had at least three moments as a kid where I dressed up in the bathroom, but I never felt bad or shameful for it. I just had my moments and went about my day. Eventually, in my teen years, it began to bug me more, but I still couldn't identify it. I thought maybe I was bisexual for a while since I began finding androgyny aesthetically attractive, but that wasn't the case. I didn't start thinking about gender until my mid 20's, and finally learning more about the concept of transgender and transitioning. Finally, at 32, I knew what I had to do. Now, I can't believe how I made it through everything without estrogen dominance. I feel so much more focused and at ease now. There's still so much work to do, though.