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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 12:18:09 GMT 8
I don't know if there's already a thread like this somewhere, but this is something I'm pretty curious about...
How emotional are you? If you're on some form of hormone treatment, did you notice a change in your emotional wiring or expression after?
This is something that always made me feel like a freak among other transsexuals. On another forum, trans women were constantly talking about how hormones changed their emotional response. They made it sound like we were all the emotional equivalent of rocks before taking estrogen. And the way they described their emotions after, like they suddenly had so much depth, well... I would read those accounts and think, "Wait a minute, I'm even more emotional than that and I'm not even on any form of hormone therapy yet."
To this day, it's still a point of insecurity for me. I wonder if, somehow, I'm not really trans, because I seem to have no problem expressing my emotions freely while running on the hormones my body naturally produces. (And then there's that nebulous description of hormones "quieting the noise"... WTF does that mean? Am I supposed to have static in my head?) I was even afraid to take hormones for a time because I was already so emotional without them, I was actually scared that I couldn't handle it if I became even more emotional while on them.
So how do you experience your emotions? Are you a teary, cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat, blubbery mess on testosterone like me? Has estrogen made you that way? Has whichever hormone you've introduced into your system had any effect on your emotions at all? Or maybe you have some sort of intersex condition that affects your hormone levels? I'm pretty sure I'm not intersex, but I'm not particularly knowledgeable on the subject and have never been tested for anything, so I guess it's possible.
Let me know your thoughts.
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Post by Edge on Dec 8, 2014 12:33:45 GMT 8
I'm going the other direction, but I hope you won't mind if I answer anyway. On the subject of estrogen, yeah, it can make people more emotional if they have high levels (which is what happens during pregnancy) or when they aren't used to them (puberty and when trans people start taking them). They level out eventually though. I'm on testosterone and am still emotional although I prefer the term passionate. I have bpd though, so my emotions are hardwired to be stronger than the average person's. From what I've read, my hippocampus and amygdala are smaller and more active than usual. So you see, there are more factors that go into how emotional one is other than hormones.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 12:42:23 GMT 8
Thank you for the response, Edge, and everyone is welcome to post in this thread, whether they're taking estrogen, testosterone or maybe just a blocker of some sort. Even people who've never been on HRT are welcome to chime in. I tried to make the topic pretty broad and placed it in the general section so everyone would be included. I'm just interested in the subject in general and hearing about everyone's experience here.
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Post by Laura J on Dec 8, 2014 13:35:59 GMT 8
Oh good, because I'm not on HRT or any drugs concerning gender issues.
Yeah, I've always been emotional.. It could have something to do with the feminine part of my I tried to hide, coming out through the cracks, or just my personality.?
I can't really say anything else with certainty.? I do dream about taking hormones someday, I know they would really help my body aline with my brain, and emotions..
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Post by LivingTheDream on Dec 8, 2014 15:00:24 GMT 8
I'll will say mine I suppose.
I think I am kinda weird with emotions. Like sometimes certain things can cause me to tear up a bit, movies and such (Braveheart does it for me almost everytime), before and after videos and stories sometimes can too, stuff like that. But only in private. Almost never in front of others.
My moods and certain topics affect em as well though. Like, if I am in a good mood, can say pretty much anything, make fun of, joke around type stuff, doesn't really bother me. It does depend on who and what is said though. But, if in a bad mood, the same thing said by the same person can bother me quite a lot. Sometimes I feel like I want to be in a bad mood, and if something negative is said or done to me, is like an excuse to do so.
When my parents passed, didn't really cry, couldn't. My eyes might've gotten a bit watery once or twice but that's about it, no bawling my eyes out or anything. And again, this was in private only. And ya, it did bother me quite a bit, losing em. We weren't all that close in terms of like talking about any and everything, private things; we never did that as a family, but they were still my parents, loved em, lived with em still, was on good terms, saw em all the time, so ya, it sucked and hurt a lot when they passed.
Using history as a basis, I would say I control my emotions very well usually. I don't show em. Something would have to deeply bother me to get me to show em, it rarely happens. I think my boss was the last to see me show anything negative, that was like back in April when was feeling suicidal, actually, think she saw me the last two times it has happened, the other one was silly tho. But, I don't really show anger either, never been in a fight in my life. I did get super pissed off at someone while I was drunk because they were being a drunk asshole themselves, got spray paint on me at my brother's party, was able to control myself while drunk by saying, fuck this am going home before I kick your ass (lived a few houses away).
Still very noob on hrt but so far, I don't think has changed much. My boss had made comments this week though saying I'm bitchier and grumpy, idk, I don't think so. I always complain about things and stuff, but have felt happier lately so ya, idk what she talking bout. Do feel more rebellious though but idk if is cuz of hrt or not, possibly just tired of taking everyone's shit all the time.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 15:19:51 GMT 8
Haha, I sort of envy people who can keep a lid on their emotions. I only mentioned crying in my original post, but everything else is pretty obvious, too. I literally shake when I get angry enough, shake when I'm scared or nervous... Whatever I'm feeling, it shows.
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Post by Taka on Dec 8, 2014 19:23:08 GMT 8
when i get angry i can either shake, or break things. lots of things. preferably people, the ones who made me angry in the first place. shaking is a better way of dealing with it...
i've tried pregnancy levels of estrogen. did wonders to my skin and hair, not sure if it's the estrogen or other hormones though. i was emotionally unstable. didn't cry very much, but got really aggressive. was always mellow, would cry instead of get angry. that didn't work when i was pregnant. if anyone made me angry or hurt me, i had serious troble keeping myself from expressing myself violently.
so what does emotional mean...? does it mean to cry at the drop of a hat? i have sensitive eyes, will cry just from a breath of cold wind getting into them. it's annoying. i hate that my eyes get teary for nothing.
is that the same as being emotional? i don't really think so.
i'm emotional, in my own way, but it can't be measured in tears. i just feel a lot.
hormones probably affect how i feel and express my emotions. if there's any noise inside my head, it must be the buzz of badly handled emotions. it's almost as if my brain and body don't understand what to do about them.
but this could also be learned. like in childhood, i learned that showing emotion was bad. i was teased or punished for it. either or. never got any comfort, no show of affection. no love or warmth. can anyone expect a child to learn how to express emotions in a good way, when they're forbidden from expressing them?
sudden fluctuations in hormone levels can be bad. it's not always right to start with full dose hrt. but apart from that, no person has any idea how they'll react to it until they've tried.
what if hrt, whichever way, makes your feelings feel right? i want to know. i really want to. and i'm not afraid of it, because i know i can just stop if i find out i don't like the effects of it. doctors are afraid of it though...
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Post by EchelonHunt on Dec 8, 2014 19:24:23 GMT 8
When I was a child, I cried a lot and one time, I must have embarrassed my parents in public because they said so and told me to stop crying. As a result, I haven't really cried since and I would only notice I had cried if I woke up from a nightmare.
Since I could not cry, even when I tried to cry, I resorted to the one emotion that was well and truly bubbling under the surface: rage. I would scream, throw things and just be a generally nasty person to be around. I got told to stop being angry so I stopped doing that too.
I couldn't express my emotion through tears or fits of rage and I didn't know how to express myself in words, as a result, combine this with my dysphoria from entering (delayed) puberty, I sunk into a decade-long depression. I didn't cry, I didn't rage, instead, I just didn't care about anything. When I took anti-depressants, I became suicidal. When I took the pill to skip periods, I became suicidal.
When my cat of nine years passed away from liver disease, the cat that would cuddle me by wrapping her paws around my neck like a human being whenever I picked her up (I was the only one she would do that to.) that would make my heart soar with happiness. When she was put down, I half-expected to be depressed for months and never have a cat ever again. I wept one tear and that was it. In the weeks to come, I would have dreams of my cat in them as if she had never left at all, I will never forget those dreams... it was as if her spirit is always with me because of the inseparable bond we share. That made the sting of the loss hurt a little less than before.
The only thing that was my saving grace was my ability to draw as a form of outlet. Gruesome displays of violence and death. When drawing didn't work, I would write. When writing wouldn't work, I would do craft with my hands. When that wouldn't work, I would resort to self-harm. The pain felt good but in the end, I knew it wasn't a healthy outlet so I stopped doing it. I had very little friends and didn't make the effort to socialize with them because I felt I wasn't worthy of their time.
When I got onto testosterone, all my rage and sadness floated away. I didn't cry during dreams anymore. The depression has been non-existent for a few years now. My social life has greatly improved. My self-esteem skyrocketed, I actually started feeling good about myself, more in the last six months than I have ever felt in my life. I'm confident, actually have a reason to smile and for once, my future doesn't look bleak. It is filled with endless possibilities and adventures waiting for me to fulfill.
I still internalize my emotions, probably always will as it has been instilled in me since I was a child... but I am much better at expressing myself in words, still getting better. It's probably going to be one of those life-long things.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 21:07:56 GMT 8
Really hard to explain. I am very emotional but at the same time I can hide them if I have to. If I do have to hide them they are eventually gonna' come out so...
I also mask them if I have to be a guy. So hurt is disguised as anger, sadness is disguised as disgust and so on. This is not one of the easiest things that I have ever done. But I still do it. I will say that when I am angy at something in general, I usually make people laugh because I actually try to. I know it's fake and most everyone else knows its fake or at least feel like it's fake unless I'm actually really angry at someone. Then my whole demeanor changes. It's really kind of weird because I cut people a lot of slack.
But when it comes to it I am extrememly emotional. But depending on the circumstances I either let it show or hide it. But I can only hide it for so long and then it has to come through. It's all natural for me too.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 8, 2014 22:19:18 GMT 8
I'm going the other direction, but I hope you won't mind if I answer anyway. On the subject of estrogen, yeah, it can make people more emotional if they have high levels (which is what happens during pregnancy) or when they aren't used to them (puberty and when trans people start taking them). They level out eventually though. I'm on testosterone and am still emotional although I prefer the term passionate. I have bpd though, so my emotions are hardwired to be stronger than the average person's. From what I've read, my hippocampus and amygdala are smaller and more active than usual. So you see, there are more factors that go into how emotional one is other than hormones. Like edge I have BPD, so that has more bearing on my emotional state than hormones, as I can switch through multiple emotional states walking across a room. When I was an avatar of someone else I would bury emotions until they exploded, which they did, every couple of months. but it's easy to hide things if you feel dead inside I think. Now I tend to over emote, though I do sometimes put things aside for a time if there's no safe way to deal with them.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 11:16:36 GMT 8
uummm
I think we know the answer to this one.
Is Satinjoy emotional?
Thank God the predominant one is love.
Today was a bitch. I got through it, did it with Cynthia. As in got through it, not.... oh my....
LOL
But we had a heck of a rough day. It is a pleasure to lean on her-them for emotional support, it can be crushing.
Thanks all of you for helping me live through this. Pain level was about a 9 out of 10 today on dysphoria. Enough to redline, to trigger that screaming inside in a deep place.
Its not screaming now. Helps to have my hair on and be in lingerie relaxing, posting, not thinking, you help me.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2014 0:22:10 GMT 8
I never was very emotional as a kid. When I returned from the VN War I was totally dead emotionally and never shed a tear until my then girlfriend's cat had to be put to sleep with distemper about two years later Once I was on female HRT I became more emotional and sometimes shed a few tears watching chick flicks with my spouse though I am not overboard with it. The only real emotional times are during sexual intimacy together, it opened up a whole new world for me having that emotional connection during those moments. Before it was more of a typically male driven mechanical act that was pert of being in love, but for my part there was no real emotional connection. Since that revelation my entire relationship with my spouse has taken on a whole new and richer dimension and we are both quite pleased with that.
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Post by Whisper on Dec 10, 2014 5:05:08 GMT 8
I've been emotional twice in my life. The first time was when I decided that I had to do something about my gender feelings. The second time is when I made proactive decisions towards my outward presentation. When I took hormones for the first time, it was very little if any difference in the emotion change. Maybe this is because when I took them was later on after my major decision was already made at the end of the series of bigger steps. I wasnt becoming a woman, rather I was just getting in a little more feminine traits. From my experience to major emotional periods where whether I made major decisions, not during HRt. At that time it wasn't a big event to me. I was on full dosage with progesterone for the first three years. Now I'm not, now on natural supplement herbs
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Post by Taka on Dec 10, 2014 17:57:29 GMT 8
i sometimes hate that i apparently don't have any disorders at all. i'm normal just because i refuse to act on my feelings all the time. or i'm not suicidal because i haven't planned suicide the last week. week before doesn't count in that test. not suicidal anymore, but... does not planning suicide mean that the wish to die is not real? being a realist with strong principles makes me immune to emotional turmoil...?
why is everything diagnosed by behavior?
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Post by Ayla on Dec 10, 2014 18:56:55 GMT 8
I have been deliberately phlegmatic most of my life. I mistrusted and avoided emotion pretty successfully for nearly 52 years. However when dysphoria really hit and I started hrt I changed and folk noticed this. I did not become a blubbering mess but I now fee,l and I allow myself to feel. I am no longer uncomfortable in myself. Now I am on low dose hrt so it may be, that if I increased dosages my emotions may increase dramatically.
Safe travels
Aisla
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