struggling; questions on trust

[Cynthia13]

I've been struggling lately feeling like we don't fit in here or anywhere really. This feeling usually leads us to withdraw, but I'd like to try something different since withdrawal can be painfully lonely. I've read so many threads on here, a silent watcher. This leaves us feeling like outsiders looking in. This is nothing new for me, it's my normal to be outside looking in, safer for me I guess. I've built incredibly tall, secure walls that have left me feeling trapped inside rather than protected from outsiders at this point.

So in my mind I sit struggling with loneliness; which you wouldn't think is possible with so many of us in this mind of mine... I'm tired, lack of sleep and my mind won't just stop for a moment and let me breath. I will be ok, this will pass...

I'm hoping some of this makes sense to someone... the lack of sleep and constant chatter is making me unfocused and rambling; lacking control.
so my questions... how do you know when or who to trust? How do you open the door to let others in? How do you know when it's safe?

[Deleted]

I think that has to come from your own gut feelings about a person. I always have two questions that I have to ask myself before I divulge the most personal information to others, I call it the two W's. (1) What's in it for them? (2) What's in it for me? Simple questions that opens me up to examining what might be their possible motives for wanting to know and what my motives are for opening up. It can be very telling and in the final analysis will give you either a red or green light.

[Deleted]

Dec 8, 2014 0:32:18 GMT 8 Cynthia13 said:

I've been struggling lately feeling like we don't fit in here or anywhere really. This feeling usually leads us to withdraw, but I'd like to try something different since withdrawal can be painfully lonely. I've read so many threads on here, a silent watcher. This leaves us feeling like outsiders looking in. This is nothing new for me, it's my normal to be outside looking in, safer for me I guess. I've built incredibly tall, secure walls that have left me feeling trapped inside rather than protected from outsiders at this point.

So in my mind I sit struggling with loneliness; which you wouldn't think is possible with so many of us in this mind of mine... I'm tired, lack of sleep and my mind won't just stop for a moment and let me breath. I will be ok, this will pass...

I'm hoping some of this makes sense to someone... the lack of sleep and constant chatter is making me unfocused and rambling; lacking control.
so my questions... how do you know when or who to trust? How do you open the door to let others in? How do you know when it's safe?

You have a hard road my dear one.

And you have children inside to take care of, children like mine, children that were hurt, like mine, mine that I put in the psyche wards to protect them from themselves, from others.

So its not a simple answer.  But feeling like you dont belong does not mean you dont belong.  feeling like an outsider is not being an outsider.

Its the mirror image of us.  we live in the world of cis, we are outsiders.  We pick who we trust.  Some of us are strong, heros of trans, they live as they please, but their feelings?  How do they feel?  I don't know, I know how I feel.  I feel raw and exhausted at the end of the day by having the courage to be me, to not hide my nails, to wear my boots in our subcontractors office, you know how I present, you see me face to face.

So how do we choose who to trust?  Its a voice inside, and a desperation to throw down that wall we built to hide behind, the one that became a prison for us, a safe place but its still prison.  And we unlocked the prison door for you, you stand at it, its right there, wide open, but do you know how to walk out the door?

I am talking to all of you.  Do you want to go with trinity for a walk in an exciting place?  Can I take you outside to play for a minute, to smell flowers?  we can let you go back in there again after we play, after we hug you who still can accept a hug, after we let you that cant watch over the others so they can.  Dont they all deserve a hug from the little transsexual down the hall that cares just because you are?  No other reason but that you are?  That you still go on?  Touching lives but hiding in a prison?

Come my dears, I am one of the gentlest in the world, but stronger than you know, but you do know, don't you, you see it every day, my strength, my unconditional love, my raw transsexuality, that which i learned right here, with this people, these people that never, ever judge.  Because we know.  We do, we know what it feels, these prisons.

Door open light shining, come out from under the stairs...

I need senior members in here please, helping me in this thread, this is really important right now, Ativan, Taka, Meta, we can change a life here, we can embrace.  And cynthia, I assure you, these three you can trust.  I don't know Meta, but i can feel them.  Taka and Ativan I know very well.  I gave pieces of my heart to them, big pieces, they both have those pieces, I trusted them, they are trustworthy.

Satinjoy- or Trinity, we are the same though.  My splits integrated into my core and became one.  It happened a few months ago.  Its different, but just enough to know you speak your truth and it is true.

I am standing outside that door, but I am gifted to also be inside your treehouse.  I am quiet, it is enough for them all to know I am there, they will come to me when they feel safe, they will crawl into the lap of sh'e.

[Deleted]

How many times has Shan defended me.....another you can trust.

we have people on forum that defend us dear, its their hearts and natures to defend.

One of the reasons  the place exists.  To make a safe place for us to be who we are. 

remember, we opened our arms to you, its in the intros, we did it before you came.  Its who we are.

[Cynthia13]

Music works well for me as a distraction and calming tool. I don't play an instrument although I've wanted to learn guitar. I do sing, the lyrics rhythm and melodies help me gather myself. The lyrics force me to speak and overrides the chatter in my head. It wasn't working all that well this weekend, but I'm coming to understand why things went so wonky.
The emotions went haywire... out of control. You see I don't do emotions or well more accurately I control emotions. I normally don't cry and remain detached, analytical about them. This time on the forum and PMs with Trinity has left me feeling things I don't normally feel and left me wondering how people I barely know, who barely know me can be so kind, compassionate, accepting and loving towards me when people I've known a lifetime simple don't.
I've felt similar acceptance in the meetings I attend but they don't see all of me either so I'm left with these masks still trying to be what others expect me to be. Here I feel safe to be whatever me I need to be and that's scary. All of this is actually, but I'm walking through it.
Thank you all for being here and opening the door for me.

[Taka]

i don't know what caused your did, but if it's something that made you shatter that badly to protect your emotions, then... i can see how it's scary to suddenly find yourself in a place where you matter as a whole, and not just a person with moods. it could also do things to your emotions, it could be the same sort of reaction as me crying if someone is nice to me when i need it. i always withdraw when i need help, because i fear this reaction. it's learned behavior, from a childhood, and it takes time to get out of it.
i've managed to call out to people here instead of crashing on my own. that's a big step, i've never placed this much trust in anyone before.
it's scary, but being allowed to feel myself while being held by friends i can trust, really does help with healing. or at least getting through that situation without shutting myself in again.

it takes time to get used to trusting people, to get used to being allowed to just be, no matter what it is you are.
but one good friend to lean on makes me so much stronger.
one person telling me that it's not wrong to be me, gives me more courage to be.
and it lessens fear of invalidation or rejection. because i already know i am valid and acceptable to someone who matters.
those who don't matter can't hurt me the same as before.

i hope you'll stay, defy the feeling of being an outsider.
in here we are friends and family. you are too.
your words matter.
if you don't have experience to share, ask questions instead.
we know each other a little too well here. we need someone to ask the forgotten questions as well.

[Cynthia13]

I don't know specifically what caused my youngest parts to form. I don't hold their memories and have little access to it. I get fragments like puzzle pieces and I'm not privy to the whole picture so it's just fragments with no story or context.
Some I know a lot about, but they're older and I'm thinking I was more involved. I see their memories from the sidelines or hovering as a silent watcher.
I do know they are all protective. I'm fortunate in this because I have a friend who has parts that continue to hurt her.
There are a few people I trust but still hold back the whole of me from them but it's more from fear of triggering them. So I sacrifice myself in a way...
I'm tired of running and hiding. The masks I wear are getting heavy. I know they're necessary, most places I have to present a certain way. Work would not be accepting of a melt down or children at play.
Emotions are new for me so i know it will take time to figure them out. The feelings I'm getting from all of you in incredibly overwhelming for the whole of me, but also extremely validating and wonderful.

[Deleted]

This all reminds me of "The Three Faces of Eve." Psych experts routinely don't consider the possibility of a spiritual aspect and in some respects that may be what's missing from their therapy. All I can say Cynthia, is that it's good that you don't have to deal with a malevolent component like your poor friend. I wish you well in your struggles dear lady.

[Cynthia13]

"Maybe think about opening up a bloggy folder thing in that one section, a place where it is yours to write, talk about what ever you feel like."

Sound like an interesting idea. How would I do that?

[Deleted]

People here have been through some big things both here and in the winter forest that existed before this place. Trinity, Taka, Ativan, Shan, Julie... they are wise an compassionate in varying blends and measures. even if you're not able to talk about things openly, there are PMs, and people will listen and try to understand and not try to fix things unless that's what you're asking for.

[Deleted]

Dec 11, 2014 7:32:03 GMT 8 @dreadfaery said:

People here have been through some big things both here and in the winter forest that existed before this place. Trinity, Taka, Ativan, Shan, Julie... they are wise an compassionate in varying blends and measures. even if you're not able to talk about things openly, there are PMs, and people will listen and try to understand and not try to fix things unless that's what you're asking for.

I used to be a real fixer, or so I though. But it seems that the more I know, the more stupid I realize that I really am. So I tend to be more of a listener whereby I can enter into another's misery with an emphatic and compassionate heart. Time and lots of conversation is the key whereby people fix themselves with a friend who will commiserate patiently alongside.

[Deleted]

Dec 11, 2014 6:40:09 GMT 8 Cynthia13 said:

"Maybe think about opening up a bloggy folder thing in that one section, a place where it is yours to write, talk about what ever you feel like."

Sound like an interesting idea. How would I do that?

Just start a thread in that section. That's the beginning. Or pm echelon...Jayce.

Phones...ugh