Feeling your feelings

[Deleted]

How many of us are afraid to feel?  Afraid to be authentic, afraid of being trans?

How many of us are afraid of the rage that burns deep inside, some worse than others, but we all have it, none had an easy ride?

Afraid of love, afraid of friendship, afraid of abandonment.

Odd, seems like fear is pervasive in this does it.  What are we afraid of feeling?

Do you feel your feelings my dear and precious people of trans, do you give yourself permission to feel, to you surrender to feeling you?

Blessings and love from the Fairy of the forest, there are more, many fairies, many princes and kings and princesses of trans, warriors, children, vulnerable souls living a new life, and not yet understanding that they are free, the doors are closed behind them and they can feel, everything, all of life, its yours to feel, if you only let yourself go, like a leaf in the wind.

Nails out hair down heart wide open.

[Laura J]

I'm terrified..  () 
Am I afraid to be authentic, afraid to feel, afraid to be trans..?

Like some, I put on my real face everyday, try my best, somedays I do okay, some days I fail completely.. 
But I only show "Levels" of authenticity, hints and glimmers of being Trans when I'm in public or around others.. 
I know this leads to my depression / dysphoria, it's so frustrating I can't find the words.? 
To be the true me, I want it..! I can taste it..! But it seems like a million miles away sometimes.? 

A friend wrote this, and it's really close to how I feel~

Quote] "I always hated having this constant feeling of agitation and repressed rage
which would come bursting out making me anxious and depressed.
My body has been in this limbo for 33 years" [  x_x

When I'm alone, I feel better, more authentic, more me.. But then I catch a glimpse in a mirror, or reflection on the TV or computer screen.. 
And I'm back to feeling self conscise and as if I'm someone I don't want to be anymore..  It's a vicious cycle sometimes.. "Feel good, get knocked down, feel good, get knocked down".. 

When I first started this, I thought I had it all figured out.? I was so arrogant, so blinded by a few good feelings I'd never felt before.. Now, I feel like Alice, who just hit the bottom of the rabbit hole, and really sees how far it is back to the surface, unsure if she'll ever even get there....? 

:


 

[Edge]

I'm not afraid of being myself, but I am afraid of being hurt again for being myself.
I love the rage that burns in me.
I am afraid of loving and caring for other people because I know they cannot love and care for me. I am afraid of abandonment. I am afraid of being used. I am afraid that anyone I care about will try to hurt me.
I am afraid of fear.

[Deleted]

Well it can be quite intense for me.

I have to constantly remind myself to breath.

That its ok, ok to feel female, ok to feel scared.

Ok to feel lust for a hot looking stud in construction, ok to sneak a look below his belt. Oh My.

Ok to crush.... thank you forum for setting me free to feel this it was eating me alive....

Ok to feel anything. But I have to do so much to give myself permission to feel. Permission... key.

To surrender to feeling. I used to think I was not supposed to be trans. That it was evil, I was taught this. It destroyed a lot of my mind. Now, I am reversing that, 50 years of it, one hour at a time.

Day at a time.

[Cynthia13]

This weekend was an onslaught of feelings that I had no idea what to do with so I was a mess and confused.
As a child emotions were not safe, none of them. Emotions were used against me; seen as a weakness or a way to get compliance from me. So I learned how to be numb or deal in anger. Anger was easy and people leave angry me alone.
One of the problems this caused was that I had no idea how to identify emotions. Any feeling that came up was numbed or turned to anger. Or worse, turned inward; guilt, shame, self doubt...
I didn't even struggle with much outright fear until my son's addiction; then I feared losing him.
Hindsight I can see that fear was there for a lot of my parts. Fear of abandonment, rejection, fail. Public speaking was a huge fear... having all eyes on me sent my introversion into overdrive.
I guess it boils down to the fear of being seen. I've spent a lifetime hiding so being seen can be terrifying. I'm working through it though, step by step. One day at a time with a little help from my friends.

[Deleted]

Dec 9, 2014 11:18:39 GMT 8 Cynthia13 said:

This weekend was an onslaught of feelings that I had no idea what to do with so I was a mess and confused.
As a child emotions were not safe, none of them. Emotions were used against me; seen as a weakness or a way to get compliance from me. So I learned how to be numb or deal in anger. Anger was easy and people leave angry me alone.
One of the problems this caused was that I had no idea how to identify emotions. Any feeling that came up was numbed or turned to anger. Or worse, turned inward; guilt, shame, self doubt...
I didn't even struggle with much outright fear until my son's addiction; then I feared losing him.
Hindsight I can see that fear was there for a lot of my parts. Fear of abandonment, rejection, fail. Public speaking was a huge fear... having all eyes on me sent my introversion into overdrive.
I guess it boils down to the fear of being seen. I've spent a lifetime hiding so being seen can be terrifying. I'm working through it though, step by step. One day at a time with a little help from my friends.

One thousand percent understand this feeling.  I feel it all the time, and have to breathe, and give myself the permission to feel.  To be.  To own my body, to own that I am sh'e.  It is hard to do this, and once this is done, Sh'e wont let me turn back, because now sh'e is, sh'e is me.

It is authenticiy, the most covetted of the trans values.  The one that sets us apart, the courage to be who we are, what we are, in spite of outside or internal pressures to be something or someone else.  So we feel, we are, we reach out, we fall apart and we just survive.  But each day, we learn more about it.

Vulnerability is good in this place, we can be vulnerable.  it takes trust, courage, a desire to be, a nee to find validation of your truth, not validation of your mask.


You validate my truth every day.  It helps me get through the day, it makes the day more tolerable, it drops my pain levels down to manageable.  I see more now, into your truth, you are losing the mask.  I like the whole of you dear, it is esteemable, and although you cant handle it, you are loved for who you are, whether you wear that mask or not.  That my dear is the true heart of trans, the true heart of us, of here, and definitely the true heart of me.

Dont run away, dont be scared, I know its a lot.  Wear your mask if you like, but it is not needed here. We dont care who you are, we only care that you helped me, and you are here, and you hurt.  We know hurt, we fix hurt, and what we cannot fix, we share.


Blessings my dear from the fairy of this forest, an from the diamond heart of trans.

Satinjoy

[Cynthia13]

I used to feel similar about vulnerability, until I read "Dearing Greatly". I saw it as a weakness that would allow others to destroy me or allow me to destroy me.
The book changed my perceptions. Vulnerability takes immense courage. When are we most vulnerable? When we expose ourselves to possibilities. When we show up with our hearts on our sleeves asking to be seen. True cousage is required for such daring moments and each time we show up we gain strength, connections, self love, love for others.

[bhhfmm]

I tend to bottle things up a lot until something breaks. I was brought up being told how sorry I was, how much of a burden I was and basically, any issue I had was my own, not to bother anyone else with it, cause its not their problem to worry about. So I learned to hide a lot, just lay low and not be any bother. That has carried over as I have aged and I really don't know how to change that. I wish I could express how I'm feeling and stuff to people better, but unfortunately, I just keep going in cycles and at the end, I just withdraw and let the depression and anxiety consume me.

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2014 8:39:09 GMT 8 bhhfmm said:

I tend to bottle things up a lot until something breaks. I was brought up being told how sorry I was, how much of a burden I was and basically, any issue I had was my own, not to bother anyone else with it, cause its not their problem to worry about. So I learned to hide a lot, just lay low and not be any bother. That has carried over as I have aged and I really don't know how to change that. I wish I could express how I'm feeling and stuff to people better, but unfortunately, I just keep going in cycles and at the end, I just withdraw and let the depression and anxiety consume me.

Jaime, you seem to be more at ease and outgoing here than you were before so that's a good sign. You know you will always have a friend in me and can talk about anything with me, emails are always good. Sometime you might just want to unload and you can count on me to respond.

[Cynthia13]

Dec 10, 2014 8:39:09 GMT 8 bhhfmm said:

I tend to bottle things up a lot until something breaks. I was brought up being told how sorry I was, how much of a burden I was and basically, any issue I had was my own, not to bother anyone else with it, cause its not their problem to worry about. So I learned to hide a lot, just lay low and not be any bother. That has carried over as I have aged and I really don't know how to change that. I wish I could express how I'm feeling and stuff to people better, but unfortunately, I just keep going in cycles and at the end, I just withdraw and let the depression and anxiety consume me.

I've bottled my emotions for years. It's learned behavior in an effort to protect myself.

There are a couple of good things that have come out of this for me. I'm extremely independent and self sufficient.  I'm analytical in my thinking, emotions don't blind me and cause me to make irrations choices (mostly). 

But the best thing is that it was LEARNED behavior, so if I see it's no longer working for me, trapping me or harming me I can choice to learn different behaviors. I can choose to create different cycles for myself. If I can't figure out how to do this I can choose to reach out for help. Not always an easy thing to do, but worth the risk when I choose the right people.

I have to remember though that it took years for me to learn that bottling my emotions worked so it may take as long to learn a new way. I have to remember this so I don't beat myself up for not changing things immediately.  

[Deleted]

You amaze me girl.

Getting through the night here.

[Ayla]

Wow There is a lot of truth and insight on this thread. Compared to where I have been I am not afraid to come out as trans. I don't fear my emotions in so much as I am still learning to trust and to welcome them - moving from my head to my heart has been one of the great joys of accepting my identity. I no longer feel that I need or indeed should hide, in fact I crave validation and recognition of my identity; when I receive this my heart sings and my soul soars.

SJ - I have yet to surrender to my emotions. I am not sure if this is in fact desirable, a 'bridge too far' or indeed a reminder that I have still have much of my journey in front of me.

But I definitely feel more present, more authentic, more conscious and more self authored. Still a work in progress but I like what I see and what I have experienced. I want and need to be better at all of this.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Laura J]

I had a dream this morning, that stuck with me after I woke up, a rarity.

I was remembering myself at 20-25, how thin I was, long blonde hair, looking young for my age some told me.. Healthy, a partier..

I was dreaming, if I knew then what I know now, not only these trans feelings, but my interest for fashion, makeup, hair etc., I know I'd want to transition MtF, it just would have felt so right. I'd love love love to wear some nice female clothes, heels, etc..
I just know fashion inside and out, and I love it..
But now, my age & health has mellowed me out I think, those dreams of myself seem to be gone, except when I sleep and dreaming of the impossible..?
I would have made a hot blonde babe to, that much I know..

Just thinking, remembering and dreaming.

[Deleted]

Dec 10, 2014 18:07:29 GMT 8 Ayla said:

Wow There is a lot of truth and insight on this thread. Compared to where I have been I am not afraid to come out as trans. I don't fear my emotions in so much as I am still learning to trust and to welcome them - moving from my head to my heart has been one of the great joys of accepting my identity. I no longer feel that I need or indeed should hide, in fact I crave validation and recognition of my identity; when I receive this my heart sings and my soul soars.

SJ - I have yet to surrender to my emotions. I am not sure if this is in fact desirable, a 'bridge too far' or indeed a reminder that I have still have much of my journey in front of me.

But I definitely feel more present, more authentic, more conscious and more self authored. Still a work in progress but I like what I see and what I have experienced. I want and need to be better at all of this.

Safe travels

Aisla

Unlike some I still stuff my emotions just enough so that they don't overrule my common sense and intellect. I find that it's helpful to relegate "self" to a position of less importance over those that mean the most to me and it keeps me on an even keel so I don't become an ass and embarrass myself and others very often. I am passionate about truth and honesty that it occasionally gets me in trouble with others who prefer to believe what's not always true. Living as a type-A conservative personality in a liberal-progressive type-B trans world takes a lot of finesse.