Trapped - (pos. trigger?)

[Laura J]

I wrote this just now.. 
Just had a bad day.. 

As I wonder more and more about my feelings, I write more and more poetry, it comes out easier than just blurting out things.. 
I was chatting with a special friend today, and it got me thinking.? And I wrote this..  :-X 

"Trapped"
by-Mark

Looking out the window,
wanting so bad to go out..
I stop, scared, thinking, worrying,
I can't do this, its just too much..

Tears streaming, fists clinched,
sobbing, yearning, trembling..
Why is something so simple,
so terribly frustratingly hard..

Its just an earring, just a flower on my shirt,
a dash of femininity that makes me feel alive..
But I know too well, no matter how happy I am,
the world will disapprove and try to knock me down..

I grab the door handle, sweaty palms, shaking,
And drop to my knees, failing at something
so simple, yet more complicated than anyone knows..

If I had no one to share this with,
I know I'd surely die..
I'd have given up so long ago,
Without so much as a fight..

But I have family now, true and strong,
Who inspire me to fight on..
I know I'll win, and in the end,
They've taught me being me isn't wrong..

One day soon I'll grab that door,
walk though with my head held high..
And look back on today with only a smile,
Thinking how far that I have come..

[Deleted]

Love the poem Mark.

[Deleted]

Excellent, you're heart's in it Mark!

[Laura J]

Thanks..
Its been a rough day today,
I don't know what else to do.
I appreciate it.. 

I don't know if I'm strong  enough for all this..
I just don't know..

[Ayla]

Mark

We are always a lot stronger than we think. Your poetry really does express your feelings. Perhaps you could break this down into bite sized chunks. Choose a piece of jewellery that expresses yourself and wear this hidden, partly visible then in full view. With make up - flesh color toner; mascara matched to your natural color, buffed then clear lacquered nails; a trip to the cinema and back, dinner with a friend; then an excursion. Longer hair, then styled hair; Andro under clothing; then external elements and then full andro outer clothing; Each activity can be incremented and taken in easy stages. This journey is all about small steps. One at a time is usually enough.

AS you say you will look back on this in a few months time, smile and wonder why opening the door was presenting such a challenge.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Laura J]

Thank you Aisla.
I will try those things best I can.

Just having a dark day, I'll be better tomorrow..
Hugs

[Taka]

trial and error is how the important discoveries are made.

try the earring first. the flowers if that goes well.

even if the world does not accept, most of it will not reject either.

the simplest is most difficult.
being yourself is the greatest challenge.
not because being yourself is difficult. it's the simplest thing, with no pretense.
but the fear of rejection, the mirror breaking in refusal to reflect your image, truth being taken for a lie, validation be buried in accusation.
that is what makes us stop dead in our tracks.

only being true to yourself can help you get over the fear.
just take it a few steps at the time.
allow your personality to shine through regardless of presentation.
and create your own true image, fluid or constant, the way that is best for you.

[Ayla]

Star

Similar experiences to yours. Folk rarely see what is right in front of their eyes. They may comment on how 'well' or how 'young' you look but that is usually as far as it goes.

The small steps are or far more significance to you. They are symbolic, they are an expression, a growth in confidence and a step further towards your truth.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Laura J]

Dec 5, 2014 19:27:07 GMT 8 @suzanne said:

Dec 5, 2014 17:49:55 GMT 8 Taka said:

but the fear of rejection, the mirror breaking in refusal to reflect your image, truth being taken for a lie, validation be buried in accusation.
that is what makes us stop dead in our tracks.

So true this is.
Fears dominated my beginning, most of them turned out to be fake but stalled me big time.

For the smaller practical steps....(which were big ones back then for me.....)
Never had a bad comment on earrings (four of them pre-everything and deffo female-ones)
Never over nail-polish (clear or very light colors)
Never over pinky clothes and sneakers
Necklaces? nothing, unless they were statement ones.....(then they asked)
Longer hair? nope.....
Eye-liner? no, and that is getting towards a statement. still no comments, but a bit more looks.
Nice Eyebrows? that was a reason to ask me, but we have our own beauty salon, and that provided a save way out in that time.

What I got was compliments about how good I looked (still in male mode), but that's because you spent more time taking care of yourself, instead of just coffee and run in the morning.

Nevertheless my nonbinary period (for years) was the most difficult one, they saw me change and I could not speak of it, as I didn't understand it myself, and was locked up by the fears in my head.
It was after discovering what was wrong many years later that I was able to speak about it, and loosing my fear about being seen different than just a male.
But that took a lot of time figuring out without any help.

Yes, Taka is exactly right.. That was more or less the theme to my poem..

I know what you mean Aisla, most people probably never notice the little things, just a broad look. 
I like the idea of taking it apart into smaller pieces though, or thoughts, and taking them on one by one.. 

Thanks Jamie and Shan. 

Suzanna, I'm so much like you in those things.. Oh this non binary thing, lol, I know just how you felt.. 

Thanks so much, more as I think of things..