Regrets for actions while switching gender.

[Laura J]

So I hope I can phrase this correct.? 

For us who behave differently within our gender(s), 
Do you ever  do or say something feeling male or female at the time, Then regret it when you alter to a different identity.? 


I sometimes feel very female for a time, then will become very male feeling at other times, and sometimes I read things I wrote or did, and feel kind of strange about it, even a little defensive sometimes.? 

So to those who ride up and down like this between genders, do things you say or do ever bother you afterwards.??

[Captains, who forgot to log in]

I've got to dash, so I'll have to come back to this thread later, but short answer: you are definitely not alone.

- Cameron

[Taka]

i don't regret, but i often look back at my own old posts and wonder who the hell wrote that.
i'm usually in control from one moment to another, but change over time makes me too different even just a month after.

[Deleted]

I don't but if you are just coming to terms with yourself it does seem like it could ba a little natural to feel that way. I think once you get used to it though the regret and defensiveness may go away. I don;t know if it was becuase I was real young or that it is just natural feeling but in my teens I kind went on the same roller coaster ride.

[Deleted]

Never regret being true to yourself, sweetie. As long as you expressed yourself how you felt at the time, that's all that matters. It's like how I express myself differently and say different things depending on what mood I'm in. I may feel a bit embarrassed or think I should have reacted differently later, but then I would only be displaying a caricature of myself and not my complete personality. That's what I strive for; to not feel afraid to express all aspects of myself.

[Ayla]

Regret is perhaps too strong a word but I am often surprised by what I have done. Sometimes this has also surprised and confounded others. This was probably more the case in the first few months of being diagnosed trans and starting hrt. Moving from my brain to my heart meant that I surprised myself and others as my actions were often "out of character" for the person we had both known.

Now, however, I love being able to be more open,more authentic and more expressive of my love and feelings. Living in my head was a lonely, cold and distant place.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Edge]

When I was first starting to explore my transness and kept feeling like I was switching between male and female, I would regret things I'd say since whatever I felt like would be apparent in what I wrote and affect how people would respond when I was trying to find help. Now that I'm back to admitting that I am a bit more fluid than I pretend to be, I don't regret things so much, but I'm still wary. Like when I'm all or almost all guy, I wonder if I really am fluid and I kind of resent that when I was feeling more androgyne, I talked about it because I'm worried about people's reactions. I've had some days where I felt more androgyne and I wanted to come out as androgyne even though it wouldn't change anything and I needed to remind myself not to.
Personally, I think the defensive feeling is from the way we've been conditioned to expect society to be. They tend to put male/female on this two ended line with male on one end and female on the other and think that being more one way, automatically means one is less the other way. This isn't true and is invalidating for the people who are no less one even if they have some of the other. I hope I make some sort of sense.

[Laura J]

Dec 1, 2014 20:40:50 GMT 8 Taka said:

i don't regret, but i often look back at my own old posts and wonder who the hell wrote that.
i'm usually in control from one moment to another, but change over time makes me too different even just a month after.

Yes, this is my biggest thing lately, reading older posts I made, and feeling like someone else wrote them.. 

[Deleted]

Dec 6, 2014 1:24:09 GMT 8 Laura J said:

Dec 1, 2014 20:40:50 GMT 8 Taka said:

i don't regret, but i often look back at my own old posts and wonder who the hell wrote that.
i'm usually in control from one moment to another, but change over time makes me too different even just a month after.

Yes, this is my biggest thing lately, reading older posts I made, and feeling like someone else wrote them.. 

I don't really know exaclty how to put it but I will give it a try. Those two parts are actually you. It may seem like they are two seperate selves but they are both just you and who you are. Eventually those two identities may become intwined with one another and then you will become way more comfortable with both. Just from my personal experience in the very beginning it felt like I had to be either or. And then when I was the other what you explain is a lot of the same way I felt. Once I got comfortable with both aspects in myself is when I stopped throwing all the girly clothes, shoes, makeup and all the girly hair accesories away. Then a week later I was buying all that stuff again. In the beginning it was an inner conflict always one struggling against the other. To me the key was allowing both and understanding that some things I am going to do will be feminine whether writing, talking, dressing and everything else and some things I may do will be male. So now I'm comfortable with both aspects and have no regrets for one or the other. It is a dynamic thing though. Throughout the years the female aspect has been more prevailent, even if when I don't dress female or try not to act female, the male is still there though, the dyphoria still rears it's ugly head from time to time. But be ready for it to change and it could go either way. Mine just happens to be more female with every little thing that build up my conficence.

Does this make sense? I really hope it helps Mark. 

[Laura J]

Yes, it makes sense..

I'm going to think about it for a while, let yours and the others thoughts sink in a little..

Its these exact thoughts everyone's sharing that moves me ahead in my journey, and lifts me over the stumbling blocks I have..

[Laura J]

Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know you liked my avatar..? I just changed it.. Again..
It looked so sad.. I hope things are getting better.?
I feel good today..

[Deleted]

Not to be outdone by Mark on avatars, but it's way too cold for this get up!

[Laura J]

Haha, Shan.. Some days I wear 3 pairs of socks even down here..

Its so good to see you feeling better Suzanne, slow but sure.!