Post by Ayla on May 12, 2015 8:53:08 GMT 8
This week my wife and I made real progress and the surprising thing is that it was triggered by what was in theory a quite obvious insight and learning.
Back story. For many years I was pretty uncomfortable with who I was, frankly I didn't really know who I was, so was completely focused on presenting and being successful as a binary alpha male. This resulted in being phlegmatic, very controlled and suspicious or untrusting of my emotions. As the years passed, my dysphoria intensified and I really felt that I was broken, defective or perhaps had a weird fetish etc. I sought help and shared this journey with my wife (20+ years ago). Needless to say we were both destabilised by this and I was disappointed, perhaps hurt by my sense that my wife was unable to fully embrace and to accept me because of my 'defects'.
Fast forward 19 years, 2 great children, 3 separations (2 minor, then another for 3 years) we now have significant shared experience, respect and friendship for each other. However understanding myself to be trans (last 5 years) has proven to be a major hurdle which has led to many challenging conversations and much stress. This stress decreased when I understood myself to be non binary, as both of our fears of a binary transition were mollified.
However in spite of this I continued to feel, and I suspect, unconsciously signal to my wife, that I needed or expected more from my primary relationship. This exacerbated or continued to feed my wife's concern that our relationship would inevitably end and that I would move on.
Well in the last few months, and particularly since Jayce set up this forum, I have come to better understand, accept, express and to like, even love who I am. I feel more authentic, more centred and better able to recognise, accept and express affection. This has had a dramatic impact on my relationship with my wife. When I stopped looking for validation, approval and love to compensate or to fix my 'issue", lo and behold I found that a deep and loving relationship had been there all along! I just hadn't been available and therefore couldn't receive or recognise love because I didn't truly love or respect who I was.
Sounds so simple doesn't it? My belated learning is that you must be comfortable with and love yourself, before being truly available to recognise and to receive love from others. Now if only I had understood this earlier in my journey then we both would have had a lot less angst.
I feel that I have just climbed a ridge and the view is absolutely fantastic. There are a number of quite beautiful paths which are now open to me. I feel blessed and I have this forum and my wife's love and patience to thank for it.
Safe travels
Aisla
Back story. For many years I was pretty uncomfortable with who I was, frankly I didn't really know who I was, so was completely focused on presenting and being successful as a binary alpha male. This resulted in being phlegmatic, very controlled and suspicious or untrusting of my emotions. As the years passed, my dysphoria intensified and I really felt that I was broken, defective or perhaps had a weird fetish etc. I sought help and shared this journey with my wife (20+ years ago). Needless to say we were both destabilised by this and I was disappointed, perhaps hurt by my sense that my wife was unable to fully embrace and to accept me because of my 'defects'.
Fast forward 19 years, 2 great children, 3 separations (2 minor, then another for 3 years) we now have significant shared experience, respect and friendship for each other. However understanding myself to be trans (last 5 years) has proven to be a major hurdle which has led to many challenging conversations and much stress. This stress decreased when I understood myself to be non binary, as both of our fears of a binary transition were mollified.
However in spite of this I continued to feel, and I suspect, unconsciously signal to my wife, that I needed or expected more from my primary relationship. This exacerbated or continued to feed my wife's concern that our relationship would inevitably end and that I would move on.
Well in the last few months, and particularly since Jayce set up this forum, I have come to better understand, accept, express and to like, even love who I am. I feel more authentic, more centred and better able to recognise, accept and express affection. This has had a dramatic impact on my relationship with my wife. When I stopped looking for validation, approval and love to compensate or to fix my 'issue", lo and behold I found that a deep and loving relationship had been there all along! I just hadn't been available and therefore couldn't receive or recognise love because I didn't truly love or respect who I was.
Sounds so simple doesn't it? My belated learning is that you must be comfortable with and love yourself, before being truly available to recognise and to receive love from others. Now if only I had understood this earlier in my journey then we both would have had a lot less angst.
I feel that I have just climbed a ridge and the view is absolutely fantastic. There are a number of quite beautiful paths which are now open to me. I feel blessed and I have this forum and my wife's love and patience to thank for it.
Safe travels
Aisla