Confused about my gender

[jess]

Hello everyone, I'm new here and I am also new to non-binary and genderqueer topics. We don't hear much about these topics around where I live, or we just started to, so there is a lot of things I don't know. I decided to register to this forums because I am in a very confusing situation myself right now, and since I only know a little about these topics, I thought I could ask others about some stuff to try to have a bigger and maybe clearer view about what is going on with myself. This post might end up being long, and might have some inappropriate or mature information, Idk if that's ok.

To start off, I'm adult, I'm female, married to a wonderful man, we have a daughter together, all is going well. I am bisexual. As I kid, my parents would dress me as a girl. I was ok with it. As for my interests, I would play with both girl toys and boys toys. I would spend all day swimming, really loved it, my parents would wake up at 7 am on Saturday morning to the sound of me jumping in the swimming pool and would need to force me out of the pool at 7 pm because my skin was turning blue, that's just how much I used to enjoy it. 

Things started to get confusing when I became a teen. around 13, whenever I would go buy clothes, I would avoid the female section of the stores and only buy guy clothes. I would wear boy clothes at home and at school. I was more comfortable with it, nobody really cared, everyone around me just assumed I was just a tomboy, which I assumed too. I would hate the idea of wearing a dress, make up, girl jewelry or tie my hair in a girly way. (always had long hair and always liked it long). Suddently, I no longer liked swimming, because I didnt want to use a swimming suit, felt unconfortable with it. My first partner was a girl, at 17. That's all I can really say about my teenage years. But as I got older, I started having strange thoughts, about my private parts. For example, I had the sad and choking thought of wishing I had cancer, so I could just get rid of my breasts. I realize how dark this is and wrong for those who got such a terrible sickness, yet it didn't stop the thought to come multiple times in my mind, just popping out of nowhere. Rest assured, I am not going to hurt myself. I'm just expressing the things that pop in my mind. I also at times have thoughts of having male genitals. I even dream about it some nights. However, unlike the chest thoughts, I don't really feel any kind of negativity toward my female genitals, just like some nights I am a girl in my dreams and I'm all fine about it. I only wore a dress for my wedding, and it was only to please my father. My husband was totally fine with me not wearing a dress. He is totally on board with whatever makes me feel good and happy. To the point he brought me to the jewelry so I could choose rings I would feel comfy wearing. We both got identical and unisex rings. 

I work as a receptionist, and something came out a few days ago. Someone at work complained I don't wear make up or high heels or I don't look professional enough for my position, since I work with clients and I'm at the front, I should represent the company better. I know my bosses are talking about it, because they dont all agree about it being an issue, since I always wear dark shoes, black pants, a good and sober shirt. Some of my coworkers were nice enough to let me know about the situation before my bosses got time to talk to me about it (still haven't since it happened right before the weekend). Beyond the bad feelings it gave me, a strong question came to my mind. Why does it bother me? Why I feel like I am unable to wear a dress, high heels, make up, etc? I don't really dress like a woman or like a man (unlike when I was a teen and only wanted to wear boy clothes) Why does it burn me? Why it doesn't feel like just a normal dress code most women would follow without any second thought, why does it tortures me? When the question of why its a problem to me came into my mind, thats when I started to wonder if I could actually be non-binary, but since I'm not educated about these topics, I have no idea. I would like to know if I am, what I am, even thought others might not have the answer to these questions, it might help me see a bit better, understand better. Its confusing because I don't precisely think I see myself as I man, but it's like a part of me doesn't always see myself as a woman, I'm not sure. I don't feel the need for others to refer to me with a different pronoun. It would feel strange to me to hear something else than ''she'', so it's even more confusing. Has anyone any idea about what's going on with me?

Thank you for your answers.

[Leena]

Welcome to the forum!

It can be a bit confusing and overwhelming when you start questioning you might be nonbinary or trans.

I wasn't a big fan of dress code for men though honestly I don't like office clothes for women that much better. Maybe a job with a more casual dress code might be better for you.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Being NB isn't a certain way of being or thinking, it simply means you don't really put any or much thought into gender things for yourself, like gender is very low on your list of things when you think about yourself.
Others will bend over backwards trying to prove their gender when proving it is not even a thing, as if it is a badge or something that is a direct reflection of themselves in comparison with everyone else.
People get to overly worked up about gender related things, its kinda on the same order as what foods you like to eat, as in what difference does it make or why would that concern others, society just likes to bitch about anything and everything.
If there was nothing better to do with your life than to cater to the whims and ideas of everyone else and live your life according to how they want you to live, then fine, but most everyone I know has their lives and lives it according to their own rules.
If people don't like how you dress, fuck'm. Life isn't high school once you are done living through that part of it, you move on and so should everyones else, but some people just fall into that high school mentality and never outgrow it.
There is nothing wrong with you, there is everything wrong with anyone who demands or even hints that you are doing it wrong, odds are they are immature and couldn't live your life like you do because they are so afraid of what someone they don't even know might think.

[Leena]

I put a lot of thought into gender, probably too much. I've ended up pretty binary though, it was kind of always what I wanted, though I didn't think I would ever get to the point I am now when I started this journey.

I wish I could not care about gender, I tried to be like that in the decades I was in closet and it didn't exactly work.

[Trinity]

Welcome to the forum.

Deep inside you will find the truth of who you are. Just be.

Its a game we play, often, how we represent. But who we are doesn't change. Sometimes we reflect who we are, sometimes we reflect what others expect to see.

Kindness and caring speak much louder than gender in terms of what matters.

Pay attention to what feels real and what doesn't, and that can change over time, did with me anyway to some extent. But when you know what feels real and what does not, you get to chose how to play the game in the social rules and crazy, the Matrix.

Enjoy the journey.

[theenby]

Gender fluid / mutogender 

[skylerpenny1]

jess.
Just be yourself and who you're comfortable with in your own skin.
Learn to like yourself and then others will like you too.