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onlylownohigh
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Post by onlylownohigh on Aug 10, 2022 9:43:35 GMT 8
Hello everyone π
I'm new here and went for the 30 years of my existence by she/her. As far as I knew I am/was/?? a cis-woman. I discovered along the way, that I am Pansexual, something my husband also knows. We also have a kid together. So far, so boring.
Round about the last 10~15 years I always had flickerings like dressing masculine (although I went most time of my life by dressing feminine) or had times I cut my hair short, like ATM I have a short unisex haircut. I also did this psychological gender coordinate test and it says, that I'm androgynous, but I can't really do much with this information. I looked up information about it, but none of all things seemed to really clearify things to me.
I don't think, that I hate being born with a female body, but I hate some chronic illnesses that comes with it (I really lost the genetics lottery), like lipoedema. It feels like I am pressured to dress more feminine like with culotte trousers or dresses, cause I have this conditions. I like skinny Jeans more, but cause of my shape I can't only wear high-waist and that's again very feminine. '-.- I totally craved as a teen the skaterboy look, but with my kind of body, it would never have been able to achieve.
When I cut my hair short again, everyone gives me positive feedback, especially with my favourite hat (it's unisex but more masculine) many people tell me I got MJ vibes like in Smooth Criminal. π
For stuff like activities I like there are things that are considered female (like knitting), but also I loved sports before. (ATM I can't do sports, cause I had a surgery and still try to recover... π) I swam laps for time (got often compliments for my techniques from people who swam in competitions, mostly people who looked male), loved riding my MTB (Downhill) or went dancing with the goal of joining competitions.
Also I sometimes fantasize about having a male body, to do different things I always wanted to try.
I'm really occupied with thinking about WHO I really am and if I'm maybe more a nonbinary person or genderqueer or something like that.
So I joined here, for some peer review/help to sort my feelings and everything else out.
My husband doesn't know of me struggling about my gender identity, cause I don't know how he will react. And I don't want to burden him even more, cause I know that I am nowadays not much of a help with raising our kid or the most other stuff. That's partly cause I have to take strong medication, that often knocks me out and make me sleepy.
I feel like I can't explore who I am at home, cause of how some things are addressed here. Like, I know my husband don't want to be insensitive, but always says like "You are her MOTHER" when our child wants attention and I'm just in the middle of something. And somehow it stresses me really out, cause it feels like I'm pressured in a role I don't know if I can really fit, cause I'm not sure if that's really me. Cause being a mother is for me a female thing and I don't want to sound like I hate being a mom or such a thing. I just feel under pressure by such stuff.
Sorry for the long blabbering ππ»ββοΈ
I'm looking forward to your answers...
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Apr 29, 2024 23:43:17 GMT 8
7,160
Trinity
DES Trans
14,576
Nov 5, 2015 13:41:59 GMT 8
November 2015
trinity
Non-Binary
Sh'e, H'er, they them, she, he, whatever....
Bisexual
Faithfully Married.
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Post by Trinity on Aug 10, 2022 10:16:00 GMT 8
Hello everyone π I'm new here and went for the 30 years of my existence by she/her. As far as I knew I am/was/?? a cis-woman. I discovered along the way, that I am Pansexual, something my husband also knows. We also have a kid together. So far, so boring. Round about the last 10~15 years I always had flickerings like dressing masculine (although I went most time of my life by dressing feminine) or had times I cut my hair short, like ATM I have a short unisex haircut. I also did this psychological gender coordinate test and it says, that I'm androgynous, but I can't really do much with this information. I looked up information about it, but none of all things seemed to really clearify things to me. I don't think, that I hate being born with a female body, but I hate some chronic illnesses that comes with it (I really lost the genetics lottery), like lipoedema. It feels like I am pressured to dress more feminine like with culotte trousers or dresses, cause I have this conditions. I like skinny Jeans more, but cause of my shape I can't only wear high-waist and that's again very feminine. '-.- I totally craved as a teen the skaterboy look, but with my kind of body, it would never have been able to achieve. When I cut my hair short again, everyone gives me positive feedback, especially with my favourite hat (it's unisex but more masculine) many people tell me I got MJ vibes like in Smooth Criminal. π For stuff like activities I like there are things that are considered female (like knitting), but also I loved sports before. (ATM I can't do sports, cause I had a surgery and still try to recover... π) I swam laps for time (got often compliments for my techniques from people who swam in competitions, mostly people who looked male), loved riding my MTB (Downhill) or went dancing with the goal of joining competitions. Also I sometimes fantasize about having a male body, to do different things I always wanted to try. I'm really occupied with thinking about WHO I really am and if I'm maybe more a nonbinary person or genderqueer or something like that. So I joined here, for some peer review/help to sort my feelings and everything else out. My husband doesn't know of me struggling about my gender identity, cause I don't know how he will react. And I don't want to burden him even more, cause I know that I am nowadays not much of a help with raising our kid or the most other stuff. That's partly cause I have to take strong medication, that often knocks me out and make me sleepy. I feel like I can't explore who I am at home, cause of how some things are addressed here. Like, I know my husband don't want to be insensitive, but always says like "You are her MOTHER" when our child wants attention and I'm just in the middle of something. And somehow it stresses me really out, cause it feels like I'm pressured in a role I don't know if I can really fit, cause I'm not sure if that's really me. Cause being a mother is for me a female thing and I don't want to sound like I hate being a mom or such a thing. I just feel under pressure by such stuff. Sorry for the long blabbering ππ»ββοΈ I'm looking forward to your answers... Nothing wrong with long posts. Welcome to the forum. Gender rules are just rules. Living according to what fulfills us, makes us happy, that's a better choice, sometimes takes some guts if folk have bought into a certain way around us. Mom, Dad, Parent.... I'm grandpa around here, yet full hrt body, yet beard too....I don't care. And there are roles but its just everyone pitching in to help, theres no females do this and males do that, everyone just does whats needed to support. Probably not helpful, but first steps are feeling free to be you. Androgyne, nonbinary... words, indicators of "different". Best to just be, and enjoy it, you like something, well, then you like it, no assigning rules to it all. At least, not here. Hand in there.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Aug 10, 2022 10:34:33 GMT 8
First off, be yourself and not somebody other expect you to be. Really the entire gender role stuff is bogus as can be, wear what makes you feel good, look like what you want to look, if it makes you feel good then there is nothing wrong with that, its really the point in living, isn't it? Just don't get all hung up in the whole gender this and that thing, its a social construct at best and just because society says this, the best thing is to do that instead, the happiest people are the ones bold enough to live life on their terms. If you lived according to everyones idea of who you should be, there is not going to be any you left over in the end. Don't worry about a destination, it gets here soon enough, run with the journey and don't look back, not because they might be gaining on you but because you can't see them through your dust anyways.
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Aug 11, 2022 17:27:38 GMT 8
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onlylownohigh
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Aug 9, 2022 6:15:11 GMT 8
August 2022
onlylownohigh
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Post by onlylownohigh on Aug 11, 2022 1:29:51 GMT 8
Hello guys,
thanks for the kind words. Stuff like gender rules are just rules... It's really not much help... ππ
Being me seems to be nearly impossible. I know, my husband loves me and normally he is very open-minded but as far as I know (we talked about it, when I said I'm Pansexual) he is a complete straight hetero and so I don't know how he will react, if I start to experiment more with my masculine parts.
Also as I described, some things are ATM not achievable for me. Like I got a very feminine shape (thick thighs, big hips, ... That thing the most people get the surgery for, to have that kind of ratio/measurements) and it's something I absolutely hate about myself. That are things that feel like I'm pressured to dress more feminine, cause trying to style myself more Tomboy or anyhow else more masculine would just look ridiculous or the stuff would absolutely not fit at all. Like most men's trousers are very straight cut and I wouldn't even get them up. Or I would have to buy a size for really obese people.
So I can't really be me or explore myself cause it feels like everything (first of all my crappy body) just nope everything.
π€·π»ββοΈ
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Dec 19, 2014 12:17:49 GMT 8
1,707
Leena
2,309
Dec 19, 2014 12:12:25 GMT 8
December 2014
veronicalynn
She/Her
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Post by Leena on Aug 11, 2022 5:01:31 GMT 8
Hi!
People don't usually know what side of the department store trousers come from unless they have really fancy pockets or something else that's very gendered. Thighs and hips also really aren't something most people notice. There are almost always items in the women's department that look very similar to what they are selling in the men's department, though the women's department also has a lot of additional things so it takes a lot of shopping around.
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Aug 11, 2022 17:27:38 GMT 8
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onlylownohigh
4
Aug 9, 2022 6:15:11 GMT 8
August 2022
onlylownohigh
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Post by onlylownohigh on Aug 11, 2022 6:24:38 GMT 8
Hi! People don't usually know what side of the department store trousers come from unless they have really fancy pockets or something else that's very gendered. Thighs and hips also really aren't something most people notice. There are almost always items in the women's department that look very similar to what they are selling in the men's department, though the women's department also has a lot of additional things so it takes a lot of shopping around. My problem is, that with my shape I can't just buy for example a jeans that was tailored for a man's hip. I have lipoedema, or how many youngsters would say "an Instagram booty/body" with an absolute ridiculous waist to hip ratio. Even women's clothing is often not fitting properly and if I try to wear something unisex or made for man I can't get it up or it looks like I raided grampas old stuff from the attic. The most stuff are ending way to low, so it's not just a saying if half my butt falls out or I have to tie it really hard at my waist, so it crumbles or I buy very feminine stuff that I don't really like that much. Cause it's a chronic condition, all I could do would be a liposuction with re-shaping, but that would only partly solve the problem. The thing that even then I'm underweight my hips are still very very big. --- But what I can wear or not is just a part of my problem to figure myself out. I know, thanks to the ICD testing, that I experience a moderate genderdysphoria. I'm, as I said, also not always hating or uncomfortable being born female. And I don't think, that a complete FTM would be the right thing for me. I know I'm somewhere between, but not sure where I'm standing and that makes some things only more difficult. To all the stuff trying to figure myself out or hating my body, I am like mostly leaving the house to go to some doctors appointments, like different orthopaedics. It's really exhausting and it feels likes it's stealing my energy to concentrate on who I am and who I want to be.
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Dec 19, 2014 12:17:49 GMT 8
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Leena
2,309
Dec 19, 2014 12:12:25 GMT 8
December 2014
veronicalynn
She/Her
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Post by Leena on Aug 11, 2022 8:41:14 GMT 8
The biggest difference between men's and women's jeans is how they wear them. Men do not generally pull their pants up to their waist so their butts are halfway hanging out is how it's supposed to look. The other thing is that they generally wear longer pant legs that touch the ground.
Part of gender dysphoria is that you tend to think you look much worse than you do. I thought I would look much worse if I transitioned, and that resulted in me just wasting a lot of time. I also kind of thought I had to figure out just where I stood, but I now think it's kind of backwards. Like, I wasn't totally sure that I really wanted people to perceive me as a woman until they already started to.
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May 1, 2024 10:23:18 GMT 8
4,661
Ativan Prescribed
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Jan 9, 2015 10:22:46 GMT 8
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ativanprescribed
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Aug 11, 2022 9:21:46 GMT 8
Fashion choices are always going to be hard regardless, if one style isn't going to work, look for another one and be creative. There isn't much in the way of fashion choices for people who believe that they need to have an androgynous look going, thats fashion winning on you. Wear what you think you like and enjoy the freedom to be able to wear just about any look you want, it isn't about how you look so much as it is being comfortable with what you wear. If fashion dictates your wardrobe, you are going to be a slave to fashion, look for things you think are going to FEEL good wearing, be happy with your choices and when you are happy people notice that much more than what you are wearing. Consider that being confined to a certain look might be making you appear to be less than happy, consider that being happy is a far better look than what fashion dictates. Its like wearing combat boots and having a spring in your step, people notice that spring more than they notice combat boots. The same holds true for most everything you are going to wear, wear it because YOU like it and don't worry what others might think, being self conscious is a terrible way way to live, so instead live the way you want and don't worry about it, you are never going to please everyone and you are not obligated to to, you can be wearing dirty ripped clothes and so long as you are happy, people look and see a happy person and so what it the clothes are not something they would wear, you aren't them and they aren't you, so be you and make your own rules. For ever more fun change up the looks as often as there are days, I mean you are not here to please other people, you are here to be happy with yourself and if that means going outside the box, so be it... Make the box bigger.
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Aug 11, 2022 17:27:38 GMT 8
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onlylownohigh
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Aug 9, 2022 6:15:11 GMT 8
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Post by onlylownohigh on Aug 11, 2022 17:27:38 GMT 8
The biggest difference between men's and women's jeans is how they wear them. Men do not generally pull their pants up to their waist so their butts are halfway hanging out is how it's supposed to look. The other thing is that they generally wear longer pant legs that touch the ground. Part of gender dysphoria is that you tend to think you look much worse than you do. I thought I would look much worse if I transitioned, and that resulted in me just wasting a lot of time. I also kind of thought I had to figure out just where I stood, but I now think it's kind of backwards. Like, I wasn't totally sure that I really wanted people to perceive me as a woman until they already started to. Hmh, I will try to go to a store with mixed clothing and if someone asks I will just say I'm looking for trousers for my husband. Wearing my jeans or other things very low was never something I liked. As a 90s kid I was a (pre-)teen the time then it was fashionable that your jeans were extremely low waist and if you didn't have the perfect little bubble butt, half your behind fell out at the moment you weren't just straight standing up. It was something I always hated, cause I always had terrible muffin tops and still a strange butt/thigh shape. I know that men's clothing is often more baggy, but also the guys who like skinny jeans often wear it lower π€ For me it's really hard to get an image of myself with a half free butt, that doesn't look terrible. @ativan: I don't think I am hunting a special kind of fashion. I am for over 15 years part of the Goth-Scene so my wardrobe is black with black and black. π
Many casual things often more comfortable than chic, cause I can't go to work in full-party outfit or smth like that. I also like male goth clothing like long man-skirts or other stuff, but again, most if it absolutely don't fit me π€·π»ββοΈ
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