Questioning my gender identity

[noe]

Hello everyone,

First I want to say it's great that forums like these exist and reading about all these experiences is both reassuring and overwhelming. I understand it's been less active lately but it constitutes great ressources and well, thank you, everyone of you.

I've been questionning my gender identity lately and I'm pretty confused by how clear it feels to me how some things always have been a bit... off.

I'm an afab 24 years old french person (so excuse me if I don't express myself correctly) in my twenties. I don't really know where to start.

I have been living and perceiving myself as a cis person by default up until now. But eversince I started questionning being a woman, I've been reading a lot of events and periods of my life differently through the non binary lense.

 I have to say I'm a bit worried I'm finding truth in realizing I'm non binary just because it would put meaning to some stuff I'm living, like I would be using the term but not really living it, so basically appropriating a very real experience, and therefore enabling the "it's just a phase/it's not real" narrative, which I'd feel really bad about

I've realized recently that I might not be tired of being a cis woman because well, it is a tiresome thing of its own being living in the patriarchy, but because it feels like a role I'm playing entirely. I realize (I feel like it's the only verb appropriate in english sorry for my lack of synonyms this is gonna be redundant) that a lot of unease I attributed to not being totally socially fit at times seem to come from there. I don't fit that role. Throughout my teenage years i went through my "not like other girls" phase (as many do, sadly), but I think it was something deeper. Not only internalised mysogyny and and desire to be validated by men, but something else. I turned to other models of feminity, more alternative, marginal, later on feminist, non-heteronormative ones, but it still felt off, irrelevant to me. More parts.

I feel like I've played girl, and that it made me uncapable of feeling completely sincere in my relationships (of all kind: family, friends, partners...), even in very meaningful and trusting ones. I feel like I'm ve been waiting for feeling like a woman naturally all this time and it just might never come. You know, "you're not born a woman, you become a woman", well I don"t think I'm becoming one ever and facing that is kind of a relief.

I've been trying to let myself go to that feeling of truth in the last few days and I feel... more free within myself.

I've only talked about this to my sister, idk how to bring all of this up around me. I'm worried about people wanting justifications, doubting me, even the more feminist and open minded people around me. I guess it's a difficult thing to talk about to unaware people in any part of the globe, but the fact that french is a a language that genders everything (there's absolutely no neutral), and that french society is so blind and unaware to the existence of gender non conforming people and really lacks any models, I'm really at loss.

All of this is vertiginous (idk if that's a word in english)

I plan to visit an LGBTQ+ association that have open hours for people questionning their gender identity and sexuality next week. It's weird because I'm afraid they're going to tell me I'm making all of this up to get attention and that i'm not really non binary. And I know that's stupid because that's more of a conservative, ignorant viewpoint. I guess I need validation and idk if that's fucked up. Maybe it's because I've never managed to validate my own self as a cis woman.

This introduction post is kind of a mess but it helps even just writing it. I don't really know what I expect from it.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Its not a mess at all, its very much the experience so many NB have in life.
Gender is an internal knowing or feeling, there is no way to be outwardly NB, just be yourself.
You don't have to prove a thing to anyone, its your self that you are looking into and when you are comfortable with self, then maybe you might want to make some changes in your life.
There are a lot of people who identify as NB and yet you or anyone else would never know, its a personal thing.
For many people just being able to acknowledge this is enough, for others they want to break free socially, either way is your choice, don't feel like you have prove anything to anyone, are they proving themselves to you?
Here's the thing, the way to see it is that you do have a sex, and it can be intersex and you might not even know it, it has to do with chromosomes and even then it gets really blurry around the edges as in it may or may not make a difference.
It just that society has decided there is a need to determine such a thing for some good reasons and a lot of not good reasons, but we all have a sex and it can be like a mixed if you want to call it that but its not, its just your sex based on criteria.
But your gender is a personal thing it isn't decided by society, it is decided by you and only you, gender has nothing to do with your sex, it is like an internal clock of who you are, just like you can roughly tell what time it is, so you can tell what your gender is, you just need to listen to yourself.
There are far more NB people than there are trans or even gay and gay is just a sexual orientation it isn't about gender at all, you can have a gender other than your sex and act on it in the way is preferable to you, gay is not gender related, but it can be, it just isn't dependent on it.
Sure there are lots of trans people in the world, but depending on who you ask and how honest people are going to reply, its estimated that there are far more NB than trans and you can of course be on the fringe of both as well.
No rules, its your innate feeling of gender, it is never a given and it can change during a lifetime and even in an hour or depend on the situation, so it can be very much a hard wired thing or it can be fleeting, its generally some of both for a lot of people.
There isn't a definition for NB other than you are simply not of a binary gender, it can be like a some of each or it can be neither and that can be dependent on the situation you are in at the moment and can be as different as think it is, there simply are no rules.
It a realization that you are not strictly a woman or a man, you are you and however you feel is how you feel, its not predetermined and it certainly is different from one NB to the next, It can effect your personality but isn't dependent on it as well.
There is definitely no sliding scale or spectrum that you are on some spot on it, gender is a ton of aspects and if you feel some are this way or that way, then they simply are, to be a woman or a man is not some totally defined thing either, tons of aspects, again.
Feeling masculine or feminine can be a constant or fleeting thing and is generally dependent on the situation of the moment, it can change and it can be both and it can be neither, you are a human and its complicated, if you can deal with it being complicated then congrats, a lot of people depend on others to tell them who they are and trap people into a niche of acting out some socially acceptable role playing, the truth is that you are not obligated to play those roles and you can be yourself, your own character based on how you feel.
There are two sides to a coin, you can be content to just be the one lying there on one side or the other or you can be the one spinning where you can see both sides depending on how you look at it.
And honestly, there is no such a thing as a 100% woman or man, those are the Mattell Barbie doll world of Barbie and Ken idealized and yet unattainable, don't waste your time and life trying to one or the other, be yourself, far to many people try to push to extremes proving they are one or the other.
At some point you have to realize that everyone is a mix of these aspects of gender and that trying to define them is pretty much impossible, you are a human being and it has no real rules for gender because everyone shares all of these aspects whether they want to admit it or realize they already do.

[Trinity]

Definitely not a mess. An honest reaching out instead.

Ativan nailed it, as far as I am concerned.

Feeling the feelings, accepting who you are, knowing what feels real and what feels false.

Being free to be you, sometimes we react because we suppressed ourselves and thats more confusing, but the first thing is to stop pleasing other people's idea of who you are or who you are supposed to be, and be who you really are and if they can't handle that, that's their problem.

There's a lot to sort out, but just breathing, being, feeling, even exploring, that's the beginning of it.

Learning to live the truth. Deep inside you know the truth, but fear, frustration, pressure, they suppress that truth.

Its starts with loving yourself as you are, as you are created, unique and wonderful, and what doesn't work, well, why keep it going.

You don't have to change anything, be anything, name anything. Just be you.

It takes some courage to do that, but if people like the real you, instead of the you that you had to act as due to what they want or find socially acceptable, then you win it all. And if they don't, well, you don't have to like them either.

The spiritual side of all of this is also personal and between you and your faith. Deep inside, those answers also can be found.

You know it, because you know that the core of you is not in sinc with the world, the world is in an act, and you want to drop the act.

So do it. Because when you drop the act, you feel, and feeling tells you what feels right, and what feels false, and what feels false, is probably false.

You can show them anything you want, any appearence you want, its your business. But knowing who you are deep inside, and what the value really is, the values of kindness, compassion, helping others, having a spiritual life, being happy, loving yourself, that is everything and it has nothing to do with gender, but if you are living a lie, then those things become damaged. And that is unkind to you.

Welcome to the forum.

Be true to yourself, and careful not to self deceive or live a lie. Only you know the truth of who you are. The trick is not letting other people interfere with that.

Deep inside, in what we call the core, or the soul, you will find your answers and be free. And then what you do with the outside, well, that can be fun, because you know who you are inside, and knowing that, can play the game they play if you want, or not. It becomes your choice, because you are free, you know who you are.

Hugs.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Everyone who comes here has a story to tell, and it is generally full of questioning not only themselves but just things in general.
You can talk here and when people respond its like a conversation, the difference is that others who come here have the same sort of insight as everyone else.
Its in those insights that when they are expressed here others find value in them, recognition, answers to some of their questions.
Your perspective is most welcome, its in the diversity of others that we learn more all the time.
Its even just fine to talk and ask about things other than NB, its pretty much like a family and everyone is interested in everyone else's lives, it lets you and others to open your eyes not just about being NB, but the lives we live.
Personal interests are always interesting and it gives all of us better insight into our lives by reading about others.
There are some people who pop in after being gone for months and catching up on things like where they are living and their relationships and just life in general is always nice to here.
And of course sometimes when things are just going bad, we are here to listen and offer up any advice we might have, what we would do if we were in the same predicaments, its a family thing.