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Post by somename on Jan 29, 2021 6:13:18 GMT 8
Hi, I‘m 20 and currently super confused about my gender. Ever since finding out about nonbinary identities, I couldn‘t stop thinking about that topic. As a kid and teen I was what you would consider a „girly girl“. I liked pink, make-up, barbies and everything girly to a point where I had zero interest in anything masculine. I didn’t even want to play a video game when there wasn’t a female-avatar option. When I was about 8 years old, I couldn‘t wait to be a woman™. I had this super feminine, overly sexualized version in my head and honestly felt like women were more powerful and superior to men. But once I got older and went through puberty, I felt very aliented from myself. I was so excited about geeting boobs, but when I actually had them, I could barely look at them. Every time I would look into a mirror, I would feel extremely disconnected from my reflection. I never thought, that I looked bad, I just didn’t feel like this is what I was supposed to look like. This disconnect eventually turned into hatred. I couldn’t walk past a mirror without scratching the skin on my face and distorting my appearance. I love women and womanhood and although I find comfort in feminity, I mostly express it for the sole purpose of consumption. I want others to see me as a woman and at the same time hate it when they do. Feminity has become something that I hide behind, rather than something that expresses who I am. I don‘t know if internalized misogyny has caught up on me. But nowadays I feel so ridiculous about my whole „perfomance“. I feel like a clown. In my mind I’m this little high pitched kid in a pink dress, that can’t be taken seriously. I feel like such a bad feminist. I feel like being a woman is a burden. I feel like „playing a woman“ is the only thing I can do. A couple months ago, I stopped doing my make-up and I mostly wear stuff from the men section. I even tried to cut my hair short, but hairdresser are so weird about that and mine refused to cut mine. Now people tell me that I look like a lesbian, which doesn‘t make me feel a lot better. Generally I actually do feel better about myself in a weird way, but I also never felt worse. I started to hate my body even more. I get so jealous of feminin men, that I almost can’t look at them. I’m torn between seriously considering transitioning and presenting in a hyper feminin way again. I feel so ridiculous for even considering being enby/trans, but also wonder if I‘m stuck so deep in the closet, that I lie to myself. I don‘t know if I just experience a common struggle in a patriarchal society or if this is actually something non-binary people experience.
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Post by Iona on Jan 29, 2021 6:28:21 GMT 8
Hi, I‘m 20 and currently super confused about my gender. Ever since finding out about nonbinary identities, I couldn‘t stop thinking about that topic. As a kid and teen I was what you would consider a „girly girl“. I liked pink, make-up, barbies and everything girly to a point where I had zero interest in anything masculine. I didn’t even want to play a video game when there wasn’t a female-avatar option. When I was about 8 years old, I couldn‘t wait to be a woman™. I had this super feminine, overly sexualized version in my head and honestly felt like women were more powerful and superior to men. But once I got older and went through puberty, I felt very aliented from myself. I was so excited about geeting boobs, but when I actually had them, I could barely look at them. Every time I would look into a mirror, I would feel extremely disconnected from my reflection. I never thought, that I looked bad, I just didn’t feel like this is what I was supposed to look like. This disconnect eventually turned into hatred. I couldn’t walk past a mirror without scratching the skin on my face and distorting my appearance. I love women and womanhood and although I find comfort in feminity, I mostly express it for the sole purpose of consumption. I want others to see me as a woman and at the same time hate it when they do. Feminity has become something that I hide behind, rather than something that expresses who I am. I don‘t know if internalized misogyny has caught up on me. But nowadays I feel so ridiculous about my whole „perfomance“. I feel like a clown. In my mind I’m this little high pitched kid in a pink dress, that can’t be taken seriously. I feel like such a bad feminist. I feel like being a woman is a burden. I feel like „playing a woman“ is the only thing I can do. A couple months ago, I stopped doing my make-up and I mostly wear stuff from the men section. I even tried to cut my hair short, but hairdresser are so weird about that and mine refused to cut mine. Now people tell me that I look like a lesbian, which doesn‘t make me feel a lot better. Generally I actually do feel better about myself in a weird way, but I also never felt worse. I started to hate my body even more. I get so jealous of feminin men, that I almost can’t look at them. I’m torn between seriously considering transitioning and presenting in a hyper feminin way again. I feel so ridiculous for even considering being enby/trans, but also wonder if I‘m stuck so deep in the closet, that I lie to myself. I don‘t know if I just experience a common struggle in a patriarchal society or if this is actually something non-binary people experience. Hi, welcome to the forum, somename. There's so much that goes into each of our identities, from the influences of those closest to us, family and friends, and of course from the wider society. There are certainly no easy answers, but the challenge we all face is stripping away all that stuff to try to find our who we are, underneath all the acts, the expectations and the assumptions. Whether you do decide that nonbinary is a good descriptor for you or not, you are very welcome here, and I do hope you can begin to make some sense of things. Feel free to look around, ask questions, rant, whatever you need to do.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Jan 29, 2021 9:12:07 GMT 8
A lot of people are so deep into their closet they lie all the time to themselves and the only way to find out is to find your truth, a very hard thing to do if you can't stop the flow of lies you tell yourself. You are going through the realization that what society has presented to you is not real and just the overall basics in a weird way so that you only see those basics as the truth and all the truth, its just not so. Most people have this idea that femininity is this one way and masculinity is another way, that they are two different things, they are seldom very far apart, most everyone has all the attributes of both, they let society decide that they must be one or the other based on a persons sex, blatantly not true. If you really look at other people you start to realize that not one of them is totally feminine or masculine and in fact a lot of women are super masculine more than the average man, and the same for men, super feminine even if they are seen as men. You find the qualities that are truly you and you live those to their fullest, if you want to think of you gender as something other than what the society dictates based on your sex, thats your business, gender and your sex are two entirely different things. And you deserve to be you and not some cardboard cutout that society dictates you should be, society is just oversimplified in its overall view and seriously isn't the last word in deciding what gender is about, society is actually very confused and doesn't have enough information to decide. It isn't up to anyone but yourself as to how you live your life, stay within the bounds of law and the rest is simply up to you to be whoever it is you want to be, never ever let society dictate your life as you see fit, it can't even keep itself from believing in shit like QAnon conspiracies. It's your life, live it as if it is, because society just doesn't have the rights to it, they belong to you, society doesn't own you and you owe society nothing, you owe it to yourself to be the best you can be and that starts with living your truth.
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Post by Trinity on Jan 29, 2021 11:09:53 GMT 8
Overcoming self deception is crucial.
Welcome to the forum.
There are answers here, and the biggest thing is awareness of what you feel deep inside you, in what we call the "core". Its that place where you know the truth, if you can unclutter your thoughts and others pressures, and truly feel the feelings and what is right, without fear or oppression.
Then, and only then, imo, can you take the actions needed to live it out, but in trying different things, and feeling the truth or falsity of it, you eventually will gain clarity and know deep inside what is what, and then you can make the choices, but you know the truth of it all, and can be free in that.
Its a process.
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Pronouns: He/His/Him
Orientation: Queer
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Post by nyx on Jan 29, 2021 15:32:57 GMT 8
Welcome to the forum, somename ! Still being a newbie to all this myself, I can tell you that it is perfectly fine to be confused! I can relate to a lot of the things you described. I used to be a very feminine girl too, and I still am quite feminine - but I am also nonbinary. Those things don't contradict each other. As the others already pointed out, what matters is your own truth, not the narrow stereotypes we face every day. Think of it, you dress differently and they call you a lesbian. The same way you think about how stupid it is to deduct from male-looking clothes to a certain sexual preference, it would be wrong to guess from feminine or masculine characteristics to a certain gender. These are completely different categories - which won't make things easier, but it is important to understand in order to find out about your personal truth. This forum has years worth of posts to read if you want, it can be helpful to explore and look around. If there is anything you want to ask, feel free to ask, this is what the forum is for. Just don't push yourself to fit in any kind of box, it takes time. And there is nothing ridiculous about it. -Nyx
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Post by somename on Feb 3, 2021 9:14:24 GMT 8
Thanks for the nice answers, I really appreciate them.
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