my short but not really short self-introduction

[nyx]

Hi there!

I'm new so here is my short-introduction... sorry if my english is bad, I'm not a native speaker/writer (I'm german) so I can only offer what I got from school and the internet...


A bit aboutwhat I like and spend my life with:
I am born in 1991, a bit of a nerd, I like reading novels but also comics/manga, video games, loud music (mostly rock/punk/metal stuff) and CATS (I live together with three of those evil furballs and love them more than anything) are my natural antidepressants (but I need the pills, too  ) and I draw and paint when I'm in the mood. Currently, I'm also into DnD. The most important humans in my life are my partner who supports and loves me no matter how difficult I am, and my family. Most of the other people bore or annoy me, but there are some friends I really like. So yes, I'm a bit socially awkward, but nevertheless I work as a placement officer and career counselor so I seem to be good at supporting/guiding people.

why I joined this board:

a bit less than one year ago the idea got into my mind that I might be non-binary.



Being a 29 year old afab it feels very confusing even after a lot of reading. I had started to read about gender studies before, and considered myself a intersectional feminist so I had some basic understanding that gender is different from sex and that it is a spectrum more than a set of categories. Still, it took me so long to realize that I myself don't fit into the norms of the binary.



I had never really questioned it but I remember that as a child, I sometimes wished to be born as a boy (but I wasn't so I guess I kind of accepted the identity that was given to me?). In my teens, I would be very feminine, developing very feminine physical features and dressing very feminine. But I disliked myself. After some traumatic events at the age of 14, I started to deny everything that was me. I started to feel like a robot acting like a real person, so all I did became some kind of acting. It all culminated in depression, self injury and a sucidial attempt nearly ten years ago. After many years of therapy, I now can say that I am somewhat stable and self-confident enough to get by.



So maybe my illness kept me from figuring out about my gender identity - but I think it's also the fact that most people I know are perfectly placed in the binary and don't even understand how there can be someting else than female and male.

I guess I'm still not entirely sure what this whole gender thing means to me... but I know now that I am uncomfortable with the label 'woman'. But it also scares me to come to the conclusion that I am not a 'woman' - at the moment, I don't even know what to do whith these thoughts. I talked to my partner who supports me and seems to be the only person I can really talk to about it. But he is a cis person so being supportive is kind of all he can do and that's why I came here: to meet people who feel similar, to share experiences with. I hope I can learn something. Maybe some day even learn to accept myself as who I am?

Well I already wrote more than anyone would call a short introduction, but I really worked hard to keep it short!   If you read until here, thanks a lot!

-Nyx

[Iona]

Hi Nyx, and welcome to the forum! It sounds like your experiences are quite similar to others around here - you're not alone.

And by the way, there's certainly no need to apologize for your English - it's excellent!

[Becky]

Welcome to the forum, Nyx! You are absolutely in the right place, and we're glad you're here. I agree that your English is wonderful!

[nyx]

Thanks, both of you! I think I'm better at writing than I am at talking, so it's great that you don't have to hear my bad accent

[Ativan Prescribed]

Most people who seem to be in that cis binary just fine really are playing the game as well, don't think of them as being cis binary because they probably aren't all that binary, most everyone has things about them that makes them question their gender, they just don't talk about it, fear of the cis binary unwritten rules.
Spectrum is the wrong way to look at it, it implies that you are somewhere on a line between male and female, most people are all over the place on it, it depends on the person.
Think of gender as aspects of gender, we all have things that are not strictly binary and nobody is completely binary, if they appear to be, that just means they play the game a little harder, not better, because its an act, just harder.
Like everything, no two people are the same and this is particularly evident with gender, that hard nosed male might go home and listen to what is considered female music, sings along because they relate to the lyrics, you know?
Just an example but you can take virtually anything that is gendered and do that with it, someone somewhere is going to have that aspect to them, given enough of aspects that are gendered for most people and yet aren't for you, then good to know you're NB.
Quite a few people who consider themselves to be NB look and act just like their birth sex and people often mistake that as their gender, but inside, where it counts, they really don't see themselves or feel like that apparent gender, they defy it inside.
It's entirely up to the person, if they don't think they are cis binary, they aren't, if they don't feel cis binary then they aren't, and just so you know, when people are adamant about being cis binary, they probably are shouting that from behind their closet door.

[nyx]

Jan 20, 2021 11:21:59 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

Most people who seem to be in that cis binary just fine really are playing the game as well, don't think of them as being cis binary because they probably aren't all that binary, most everyone has things about them that makes them question their gender, they just don't talk about it, fear of the cis binary unwritten rules.
Spectrum is the wrong way to look at it, it implies that you are somewhere on a line between male and female, most people are all over the place on it, it depends on the person.
Think of gender as aspects of gender, we all have things that are not strictly binary and nobody is completely binary, if they appear to be, that just means they play the game a little harder, not better, because its an act, just harder.
Like everything, no two people are the same and this is particularly evident with gender, that hard nosed male might go home and listen to what is considered female music, sings along because they relate to the lyrics, you know?
Just an example but you can take virtually anything that is gendered and do that with it, someone somewhere is going to have that aspect to them, given enough of aspects that are gendered for most people and yet aren't for you, then good to know you're NB.
Quite a few people who consider themselves to be NB look and act just like their birth sex and people often mistake that as their gender, but inside, where it counts, they really don't see themselves or feel like that apparent gender, they defy it inside.
It's entirely up to the person, if they don't think they are cis binary, they aren't, if they don't feel cis binary then they aren't, and just so you know, when people are adamant about being cis binary, they probably are shouting that from behind their closet door.

Thank you for this comment, although I am even more confused when thinking about how everything we learn about gender, our gendered personalities etc while growing up is some major bullshit and now that I am nearly 30, I have to start unlearning it all...   
I understand that the idea of gender as a spectrum is not helpful. I'll try to see it as something more complex now!
What drives me crazy at the moment is that I am constantly questioning myself - I woke up today and thought it was all some kind of madness, why wouldn't I just stay 'normal' and accept my assigned gender. Why did I talk to my partner yesterday about how I am afraid I could be trans? And then, when I walked into our room after getting my cup of coffee, he said: 'Hey about yesterday. It will all be ok, you have my support and I will stay with you no matter what.' It made me so happy and I don't understand why I always start to think I'm just going crazy and it is all not real and then again it is all so real.
Well I feel like my brain is completely messed up right now... 

[Trinity]

Jan 20, 2021 16:31:55 GMT 8 nyx said:

Jan 20, 2021 11:21:59 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

Most people who seem to be in that cis binary just fine really are playing the game as well, don't think of them as being cis binary because they probably aren't all that binary, most everyone has things about them that makes them question their gender, they just don't talk about it, fear of the cis binary unwritten rules.
Spectrum is the wrong way to look at it, it implies that you are somewhere on a line between male and female, most people are all over the place on it, it depends on the person.
Think of gender as aspects of gender, we all have things that are not strictly binary and nobody is completely binary, if they appear to be, that just means they play the game a little harder, not better, because its an act, just harder.
Like everything, no two people are the same and this is particularly evident with gender, that hard nosed male might go home and listen to what is considered female music, sings along because they relate to the lyrics, you know?
Just an example but you can take virtually anything that is gendered and do that with it, someone somewhere is going to have that aspect to them, given enough of aspects that are gendered for most people and yet aren't for you, then good to know you're NB.
Quite a few people who consider themselves to be NB look and act just like their birth sex and people often mistake that as their gender, but inside, where it counts, they really don't see themselves or feel like that apparent gender, they defy it inside.
It's entirely up to the person, if they don't think they are cis binary, they aren't, if they don't feel cis binary then they aren't, and just so you know, when people are adamant about being cis binary, they probably are shouting that from behind their closet door.

Thank you for this comment, although I am even more confused when thinking about how everything we learn about gender, our gendered personalities etc while growing up is some major bullshit and now that I am nearly 30, I have to start unlearning it all...   
I understand that the idea of gender as a spectrum is not helpful. I'll try to see it as something more complex now!
What drives me crazy at the moment is that I am constantly questioning myself - I woke up today and thought it was all some kind of madness, why wouldn't I just stay 'normal' and accept my assigned gender. Why did I talk to my partner yesterday about how I am afraid I could be trans? And then, when I walked into our room after getting my cup of coffee, he said: 'Hey about yesterday. It will all be ok, you have my support and I will stay with you no matter what.' It made me so happy and I don't understand why I always start to think I'm just going crazy and it is all not real and then again it is all so real.
Well I feel like my brain is completely messed up right now... 

Just feel, and be.

What you like, enjoy.  What you don't like, don't do, don't wear.

The path out of what we call the Matrix, the social programming of what is what and who has to do this or that, is simply the path to freedom, to be, to express as who you are.

You don't need to attach gender to it, all that is needed is to feel, without fear, your feelings, and what you like, and that may not be the same every day.

Each day is a path to your personal freedom and discovering who you are, without others telling you who you should be.

In your heart, you know if something feels true, or if it feels false.

And once you know this, you can choose to express as your truth, or pull a disguise over it with something else, but always knowing what it is that is truth and you, so that putting something else ever it doesn't matter, because it is just something you do because of society, the Matrix.  You don't change, but what you show others may change.

It is not important to figure out gender, you can drive yourself crazy trying.  it is important to feel, and to be free.  We stuff our feelings due to fear.  That is the first step to freedom, to feel the feelings, and watch as fear turns to enjoyment, and truth.

Your partner sounds like a really good person and supportive.  It sounds like he loves you for who you really are, however that turns out to be.

That, dear one, is a gift.

[nyx]

Jan 20, 2021 23:07:39 GMT 8 Trinity said:

Jan 20, 2021 16:31:55 GMT 8 nyx said:

Thank you for this comment, although I am even more confused when thinking about how everything we learn about gender, our gendered personalities etc while growing up is some major bullshit and now that I am nearly 30, I have to start unlearning it all...   
I understand that the idea of gender as a spectrum is not helpful. I'll try to see it as something more complex now!
What drives me crazy at the moment is that I am constantly questioning myself - I woke up today and thought it was all some kind of madness, why wouldn't I just stay 'normal' and accept my assigned gender. Why did I talk to my partner yesterday about how I am afraid I could be trans? And then, when I walked into our room after getting my cup of coffee, he said: 'Hey about yesterday. It will all be ok, you have my support and I will stay with you no matter what.' It made me so happy and I don't understand why I always start to think I'm just going crazy and it is all not real and then again it is all so real.
Well I feel like my brain is completely messed up right now... 

Just feel, and be.

What you like, enjoy.  What you don't like, don't do, don't wear.

The path out of what we call the Matrix, the social programming of what is what and who has to do this or that, is simply the path to freedom, to be, to express as who you are.

You don't need to attach gender to it, all that is needed is to feel, without fear, your feelings, and what you like, and that may not be the same every day.

Each day is a path to your personal freedom and discovering who you are, without others telling you who you should be.

In your heart, you know if something feels true, or if it feels false.

And once you know this, you can choose to express as your truth, or pull a disguise over it with something else, but always knowing what it is that is truth and you, so that putting something else ever it doesn't matter, because it is just something you do because of society, the Matrix.  You don't change, but what you show others may change.

It is not important to figure out gender, you can drive yourself crazy trying.  it is important to feel, and to be free.  We stuff our feelings due to fear.  That is the first step to freedom, to feel the feelings, and watch as fear turns to enjoyment, and truth.

Your partner sounds like a really good person and supportive.  It sounds like he loves you for who you really are, however that turns out to be.

That, dear one, is a gift.

So I tried the 'just feel and be' thing. It is hard but feels right. I'll hang on to it and try to let my feelings be there, no matter how they turn out to be... I keep telling myself that I have time to grow into this. I know that I don't need to figure out my gender or a specific name for it... there is this feeling that I need it and it really drives me crazy. But I try to think there are answers that don't have to come fast and maybe it doesn't have to be answered at all - it will take more time to find out where this track goes... in the meantime, I have to look for things that make be feel better because if I go crazy now, it won't help anything.

And yes, my partner is magical. I don't know how I would go through this without him, just knowing that he is there and will listen to all my crap is helpful and keeps me going. We've been together for nine years, and he has seen me when I was much worse than now. I think this is why he always reminds me that I will manage this even when I think I won't because he knows me better.. 

[Droomvlucht]

Nice to read a bit more about you!
I recognise a lot, and your partner seems wonderful. It's nice hey, to be together for such a long time

[nyx]

Feb 3, 2021 19:18:12 GMT 8 Droomvlucht said:

Nice to read a bit more about you!
I recognise a lot, and your partner seems wonderful. It's nice hey, to be together for such a long time

It really is a long time! We met at school when I went one year back because of a longer hospitalisation. We were both known for being freaks and drawing all the time during class even before we knew each other. I am normally not spritual or anything like this at all, but I think we are kind of what some people would call soulmates... and to stay together for such a long time, honestly it is hard work no matter how good you fit together. We are both very patient with each other and have walked through more than just one hardship together.