inherit
32
0
Jun 24, 2015 3:12:57 GMT 8
419
Edge
517
Nov 26, 2014 22:03:42 GMT 8
November 2014
edge
FTM Non-Binary
Genderfluid
He/His/Him
|
Post by Edge on Apr 12, 2015 0:21:16 GMT 8
To be clear, I know I can't be less of a guy and I have no problems with my own identity. It's other people's reactions to it than I am nervous about. My friend had trouble getting the hormones she needs because they thought she wasn't "feminine enough" and she hesitated to come out completely before going on them which is understandable because trans women here face problems like being yelled at, stared at, and possibly assaulted. What if my endo finds out that I'm not as binary as I said and refuses to keep prescribing me the testosterone I need? I have trouble even explaining to other non-binary people that, no, I do not mean I am "swishy" or any more effeminate than anyone else. A couple years ago, a non-binary person was in our city. Even other trans people still misgender them and try to gender them in a fixed, binary way. My more recent ex has a bi-gender roommate and told me that he thinks he's really an effeminate guy even though she identifies as female most of the time.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
Deleted
inherit
guest@proboards.com
11
0
May 19, 2024 11:48:59 GMT 8
Deleted
0
May 19, 2024 11:48:59 GMT 8
January 1970
Deleted
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2015 5:15:44 GMT 8
You in the states or overseas? The endo should not have that kind of discrimination rights, it is their job to take care of hormone balancing, not make judgement calls on your gender. My guy always has this funny look on his face, but we get along famously, I may only be the second or third nonbinary for him.
He has a only a few stealth in birth presentation, and he has been doing it a long time. Thats how strong the pressure is to fully transition socially on folks. The rest went all the way.
He is trying to make my boobies bigger. GOOD.
Ativans post is critical. As in crucial. Important. The trick is seeing it as guide, not in any way criticism. Yes it takes a lot of balls to be nonconforming gender presenting. As opposed to stealth, binary presenting. But for me, I believe that for me gender rules just dont apply. They dont fit. So I dont have to fit it either.
But being you, the core of you, is greatly rewarding. Fear is a real bitch, and its poison in the heart. It hurts us, you, trans. It is grounded on the snub factor, the threat factor. The bullshit factor.
So it is radical to be radical trans by being nonbinary, but if you were born nonbinary, are you not called then to be true to yourself?
Is it easy? Depends. Takes training. Training in deflecting hate, deflecting hostility, in believing in Edge, all the way.
I blew it when I was your age, I had a chance to become free, peer pressure trapped me, then eventually blew my mind away. Would have been better to seize the truth and make it mine. But it was the early 80's. They did not know what to do with me.
soo, the Ativan post. Has depth, hard to understand. For me too. Need to study it, internalize it.
If I dont live blended my components split and fight and its hell. If I blend, somehow I feel ok. Whether female presenting, male presenting, me presenting. Because I am living in that core, the one that thinks gender is kind of, well, not applicable?
Trust me though the edge for me is always right at my toes, the one that slips into dibilating dysphoria. Nobody wants to be there. Some of us have. I want to stay away from that edge, the one with the cliff. Not a nice place to tapdance. And suppressing a component will do it to me.
As an example. The focus is on you and on your topic. Its a great topic. Makes us think.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
Deleted
inherit
guest@proboards.com
11
0
May 19, 2024 11:48:59 GMT 8
Deleted
0
May 19, 2024 11:48:59 GMT 8
January 1970
Deleted
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2015 5:28:15 GMT 8
Double posting is just impossible not to do LOL
Gender perception physical vs, what.... fitting in?
Interesting... Sex gender...? Mind? Core? The way we interact?
Wow confusing or interesting variants. Like on sex gender...as in how sex feels, role in bed... is that a persons gender? Or is it how they interact on a social level as themselves around other folks?
Not genitals, no, but we fix those to be what we need...visually, performance wise, sexually, fix it.
This is a really interesting topic. Its getting at the core of what is gender.
Heck I have no idea. I still am trying to figure out what is Trinity. Or what is Edge. Or Aisla or Ativan or anyone else. Weve been trying to figure out what is Shan. Decided they are not a cookie.
Silly, like to play.
I gotta reread this thread again. Deep stuff of trans isnt it? The meat and bones of nonbinary perceptions.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
Deleted
inherit
guest@proboards.com
11
0
May 19, 2024 11:48:59 GMT 8
Deleted
0
May 19, 2024 11:48:59 GMT 8
January 1970
Deleted
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2015 5:59:25 GMT 8
I wish it did, but at the moment, I am out and living only as a binary guy. I'm afraid of being out and living as genderfluid because I'm afraid people will see me as less of a guy because of it. I am not less of a guy. If there is one thing that drives me crazy about guys its that peer pressure to pretend to be one that they manage to instill in each other and in us. So they can reinforce the macho deal. Like everyone has to be Rambo or something. Yeah, been there done that, not showing the other side. Doesnt work. Forced. Unless its not, then cool, youre lucky. Funner to be free. Dont you think? Besides, if your truth pops out, it doesnt matter, cause its you. Only matters if you are trying to hide it. Sorry I just keep thinking about this topic. Its a great topic.
|
|
inherit
32
0
Jun 24, 2015 3:12:57 GMT 8
419
Edge
517
Nov 26, 2014 22:03:42 GMT 8
November 2014
edge
FTM Non-Binary
Genderfluid
He/His/Him
|
Post by Edge on Apr 12, 2015 7:19:26 GMT 8
I'm Canadian, but I'm in New Brunswick which is behind the other provinces when it comes to gender stuff (and many other things). My endo is the same one who refused my friend for years because she wasn't "feminine enough," so yes, he can and has made judgement calls on people's gender. Granted, chances of me running into him outside of our appointments appears to be small and I can always make sure I'm presenting as male for those. It's just... I finally got to the point where people see me as the man I am. I'm afraid that, if I start presenting as the woman I am once in awhile, they'll stop seeing me and treating me as the man I am and insist that I must really be a woman. Yes, because of my sex. I know. "Who cares?" Right? I do. I hate being seen as and treated like someone I'm not. (And no, no one treats female me like the woman she is either.) Ironically, female me is more macho than most guys I know. Certainly more aggressive. Not on purpose or because society says so. It's most likely due to combination of genetic predisposition and learned behaviour growing up. I'm glad you like the topic.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
Deleted
inherit
guest@proboards.com
11
0
May 19, 2024 11:48:59 GMT 8
Deleted
0
May 19, 2024 11:48:59 GMT 8
January 1970
Deleted
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2015 7:43:45 GMT 8
Since I went middle ground on transition I suppose its not fair. My life experience is not the same, so experientially, we come from differing paradynes, with the unity in feelings and being. They seem to always see me as who they know me to be before, with extras now. They got used to the change, of course the boss had a lot to do with that as the no bigotry allowed enforcer, and over time, i am accepted much like before. As a transperson. They call me "a trangender". Cute, innocent people, have no idea what it is at all. The two with the worst issues are both not role models. One is a gaybasher and the other looks to me like he has issues with size and stuff and doesnt like seeing me. I could care less what they think, but honestly, it really does still cut me, every time. Shouldnt, but it does. Its a question of balance. And of what dysphoria out of balance can do when weighted against fear. Something usually gives. Right? Yeah stealth to the endo. Why not. Its what he'd expect, serve it up. Believe me, I have pretty stuff on when I go to mine, and I am looking forward to next weeks visit. Hair or no hair, that is the question.. The odd thing is that I am uncomfortable now personally, I can feel due to trying to push towards he, the whole thing unbalancing. I have to find the balance that works, i think all the nonbinaries on the board are doing just that, searching their truth and finding the balance that works for them. My hair is off somewhat and I am compensating trying not to trigger my wife with too much of she. Sh'e. And it changes like the wind....the fluidity..yet.. not. Blended core see the whole of it. Hope you can free up, Edge. Multiple social presentations with rock solid core? Hot lingerie nights but out there its hidden? Theres a million ways to play this hon. Lots of ways to win big time. By the way, having the andro pic up for the moment as avatar....not a good reaction that I feel. It misses it somehow. Yet, its realness. And comfortable. I just wonder if its not pretty in here....isnt that funny... cause mostly my female caring component speaks on the forum. The rest enjoys listening to her. Warm center, nice heart. Thats what I suppressed all those years Edge, by allowing people to define my gender. I hurt her. Never again.
|
|
inherit
32
0
Jun 24, 2015 3:12:57 GMT 8
419
Edge
517
Nov 26, 2014 22:03:42 GMT 8
November 2014
edge
FTM Non-Binary
Genderfluid
He/His/Him
|
Post by Edge on Apr 12, 2015 8:03:55 GMT 8
Yeah. Granted, my experiences with being treated as female are particularly bad. Radical feminists would have a field day using it as a reason for why I "want to be" a guy, but I honestly didn't know how bad it was until I started to be treated as a guy. I wasn't seen as a person. I was seen as an object of little to no worth. Heck, even as a trans guy, my ex called me a "girl" and a "bitch" during our last argument to hurt me, discredit me, and claim that I was selfish for wanting to be treated like an equal. I know this shouldn't be the case, but the idea of being treated like that again by more people makes me get very angry and anxious.
I thought I had found the right balance. Both male me and female me like our presentation, female me is fine with the male body male me wants, male me is fine with making some concessions for female me, all of me cooperates and don't fight, and I have people who like me and treat me as who I am. I guess I've got to experiment with it a bit more. I really don't want to lose that last one.
|
|
inherit
jasonmitchellemail@gmail.com
1
0
1
Dec 31, 2023 12:41:47 GMT 8
3,521
EchelonHunt
Avatar by @hitsukuya
3,193
Nov 17, 2014 22:05:35 GMT 8
November 2014
admin
|
Post by EchelonHunt on Apr 12, 2015 9:48:55 GMT 8
I can understand your situation, Victor.
My girl side doesn't mind having a boy body as long as she can express herself. She views herself as a flat chested girl and damn proud of it. She doesn't view size of breasts as an indicator of how female one is or isn't. Having a penis won't make her any less of a girl, just like having a vagina won't make a man any less of a man.
My male side, where male identity is deeply rooted into the physical sex of my body - I know that gender identity doesn't equal sex but I can't describe it any other way, he doesn't care about gender stereotypes, he would like a body that is predominantly male in nature but with the slender grace and softness of a female body, if that makes sense. A bit of both would allow us the freedom to pass as either gender.
Embracing the gendefluid identity, allowing my female to express herself in terms of make up and clothes (when I went clubbing last two times), being treated as male by my girlfriend and receiving compliments from people at the club, it was wonderful and exhilarating to finally be myself. I hope for many more experiences in the future and I hope that in time, you will be able to be yourself without fear or anxiety.
We are here to support you however we can, Victor. You aren't alone in this battle
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
Deleted
inherit
guest@proboards.com
22
0
May 19, 2024 11:48:59 GMT 8
Deleted
0
May 19, 2024 11:48:59 GMT 8
January 1970
Deleted
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2015 4:39:56 GMT 8
I wish it did, but at the moment, I am out and living only as a binary guy. I'm afraid of being out and living as genderfluid because I'm afraid people will see me as less of a guy because of it. I am not less of a guy. You'd be surprised, Victor. Generally speaking, people do not give a shit about you, they are too busy being concerned with themselves, their lives and their own drama.
Life's too short to worry about what other people think or their perceptions of you. If you're confident in your identity as a genderfluid dude, then that's all that matters. As long as your perception of yourself is crystal clear, that's all that matters.
Be yourself and flip the middle finger to the haters.I love this answer. I especially love the part that I have emboldened. Hell Jayce, If I were younger and you were older I would honestly wonder if we were siblings separated at birth. Because that sounds like some shit I would say. I guess my attitude must be rubbing off on others or maybe you all are just delinquenting me? Nah. I was a delinquent before I ever met anyone here.
|
|
inherit
32
0
Jun 24, 2015 3:12:57 GMT 8
419
Edge
517
Nov 26, 2014 22:03:42 GMT 8
November 2014
edge
FTM Non-Binary
Genderfluid
He/His/Him
|
Post by Edge on Apr 14, 2015 6:46:55 GMT 8
I get the impression you people would be surprised at how people react to me. It would be nice to be myself and flip my middle finger to the haters, but I still need to be able to function in society which requires some level of social acceptance and I have a hard enough time with that as it is.
|
|
inherit
60
0
1
May 19, 2024 8:42:04 GMT 8
4,666
Ativan Prescribed
8,479
Jan 9, 2015 10:22:46 GMT 8
January 2015
ativanprescribed
|
Post by Ativan Prescribed on Apr 14, 2015 8:03:22 GMT 8
It's hard for me think how people do react to you Edge, it was nice to see your pictures, and that does give some idea. Sometimes it's hard to read between the lines of what you write, it's hard like that for most everyone. Just have to take them at face value sometimes, so for me, even wondering how people react to you can be difficult. I personally like the aggressiveness that you write with, but that can easily be seen as confrontational at the same time. Without being in your shoes, just what a day is like for you is hard for me to imagine with any degree of accuracy. I'm sure that you or anyone else can't imagine what mine is like as well, it's like that for most of us. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say I'd be surprised, you do offer a lot of insight into how things go for you. The 'giving the middle finger' is more of a mental picture than actually doing that. More of an attitude kind of thing than even having a visual, although that one I do sometimes myself, but not actually give someone the finger. I do that enough as it is and am asked to tone down my language when I don't realize that there are people within hearing range that it might offend. But those times are the exception, it's a lot easier getting through a day without leaving a wake of pissed off people behind me. I don't imagine you go about your day with the intention of pissing off people and that for the most part, you have normal interactions with society. I imagine that when you're having a bad day, it isn't with everyone you meet, but is more likely a select few. Doesn't take much more to ruin a persons day, but then it doesn't happen everyday as well. 'Giving them the middle finger', is a figure of speech kind of thing. Not actually doing that, but having the attitude and confidence to be able to if you wanted to. Attitude and confidence gets a person much farther than flipping them off. I can't see you doing that on a regular basis. Well, maybe.. but not all day or even everyday. Sometimes. Once in a while. Special occasions. Bad drivers. It really was nice to see your pics you posted. Second one does have an edge and is bad assed in my opinion.
|
|
inherit
32
0
Jun 24, 2015 3:12:57 GMT 8
419
Edge
517
Nov 26, 2014 22:03:42 GMT 8
November 2014
edge
FTM Non-Binary
Genderfluid
He/His/Him
|
Post by Edge on Apr 14, 2015 9:27:47 GMT 8
I don't imagine you go about your day with the intention of pissing off people and that for the most part, you have normal interactions with society. I am aware that the giving people the finger part means mentally, not literally. No, I don't go about my day with the intention of pissing off people. I go about it knowing that I will piss people off because no, I don't have normal interactions with society. I get punished unusually severely for... existing I guess. It doesn't usually make sense since I could be punished for doing something I was previously punished for not doing. If there isn't a reason to punish me, they will make one up. Every day is constant struggle to be treated as a person equal to any other person. I obviously still lose that struggle as shown by my recent ex, for example. When it comes to social interactions with me, he isn't the exception. He's the rule. The few people who do treat me as a person are so much of an exception, I'm still surprised they exist. I lost that struggled even more when people saw me as female. For a large chunk of my life, I have struggled against people who insisted that I am something I am not and against the either/or thing. It is a constant struggle I never seem to make any headway with. I have girly parts. It's hard enough right now to be taken seriously as a guy. It will be even harder if I sometimes present as female. Heck, I've even had other non-binary people suddenly expect my personality to be different just because of her. Yeah, other people's opinions can't change me and they don't dictate who I am, but they can make my life a living hell. They have before. I'm tired enough as it is struggling to assert that I am a person and I am me.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
Deleted
inherit
guest@proboards.com
22
0
May 19, 2024 11:48:59 GMT 8
Deleted
0
May 19, 2024 11:48:59 GMT 8
January 1970
Deleted
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2015 2:52:49 GMT 8
Yeah. Granted, my experiences with being treated as female are particularly bad. Radical feminists would have a field day using it as a reason for why I "want to be" a guy, but I honestly didn't know how bad it was until I started to be treated as a guy. I wasn't seen as a person. I was seen as an object of little to no worth. Heck, even as a trans guy, my ex called me a "girl" and a "bitch" during our last argument to hurt me, discredit me, and claim that I was selfish for wanting to be treated like an equal. I know this shouldn't be the case, but the idea of being treated like that again by more people makes me get very angry and anxious. I thought I had found the right balance. Both male me and female me like our presentation, female me is fine with the male body male me wants, male me is fine with making some concessions for female me, all of me cooperates and don't fight, and I have people who like me and treat me as who I am. I guess I've got to experiment with it a bit more. I really don't want to lose that last one. Edge. You are an extremely strong persona here. Let some of that rub off in real life. Someone hurts you, hurt them back. So your ex called you a bitch and a girl just to hurt you. So your ex fell for a transguy? What does that make him? I am only assuming your ex was a guy. If your ex was a girl then what does that make her? So you can fight back and hurt them with words just as badly as they hurt you. Personally I would just walk away with a "fuck You" and be done with the little sting back to them. Never take shit from anyone. You don't have to. Anger will destroy you. Anxiety will also destroy you. Hold your head high and be who you are. A lot of times in breakups and lover's quarrels people say things they don't really mean. So don't let that effect your own self worth. And don't judge one relationship and how it ended to future relationships. You are who you are. You are in control of that and no one else. You don't have to lose anything. But never let anyone tear you down. That is when you need to get really angry and fight back with words. Hell, I've had exes call me derogatory names and I hit them back with what I just told you. "So you were attracted to me, what does that make you?" Sometimes they fly into arage but most of the time it made them think and yielded a lot of apologies. Personally though, I think radical feminist would have a field day with all of us. You for wanting to be more male than female and me for embracing femininity as a physically born male. With those types it is damn if you do and damn if you don't. I guess we are just damned.
|
|
inherit
32
0
Jun 24, 2015 3:12:57 GMT 8
419
Edge
517
Nov 26, 2014 22:03:42 GMT 8
November 2014
edge
FTM Non-Binary
Genderfluid
He/His/Him
|
Post by Edge on Apr 16, 2015 4:10:35 GMT 8
Oh trust me, I don't take shit from anybody. That's why he was so mad at me. I wouldn't put up with his shit. I have also said to him, "You're dating me, so what does that make you?" I didn't the last time though because I was just done. Apologies mean nothing to me if they don't stop treating me like shit and start treating me like a person. I don't think you understand. This is an example of one guy, but as I said, he's not the exception. He's the norm. Almost everyone I come into contact with is the same. All my family, all my exes, almost all my friends, and many acquaintances. I do get angry and fight back with words, I don't let anyone tear me down, and I don't let that affect my own self worth (where the hell do people get that idea?), but it is still very tiring, I still need to keep dealing with people, and I never seem to get anywhere with it. They treat me like shit, I demand to be treated like a person, they act like I'm a selfish and horrible person for wanting to be treated like a person, and I can't force them to change how they treat me. Yeah I know. "You don't need those people in your life." I don't, but they are almost everyone. I leave the last people behind, but the next are the same. I'd like to see anyone who judges me for being tired try to handle that as well as I do.
|
|