New, lost, here

[Tornait]

So I'm soon 22, so far female and just discovered some days ago that non-binary might be my thing. First reaction was “that's great, finally something that fits” followed by “I can't deal with this right now” and a sorta nervous breakdown.
Which I'll take as progress since I usual don't get them over unimportant stuff. Or things that really just had a phase. (I had those). But I'm honestly a good bit messed up, but with non-binary a couple things make more sense in retrospect and I'm more comfortable just being me instead of trying to fit into society roles I never could truly embrace. Fyi I'm pretty sure to have Asperger autism – undiagnosed, but functional and as the one time I tried to talk about it with my mum (who works with autism kids, so she's a kind of professional) didn't went well I'm a bit edgy getting real help for that as long as I'm able to live on my own without too much of a problem.
Right now I'm a good bit scared of the change to come – not because it feels wrong, but because it means getting out of my safe zone of routine. All while trying to managing adulting and not get overwhelmed by... figuring out how to not fail at getting a job after the apprenticeship, how maybe find some RL friends because I've been living in this town for two years now and don't know anyone, avoid questions on non-existent boyfriends, maybe jump over my shadow and reach out to the local autism community... you see, I got my share of stress even without questioning where on the non-binary spectrum I belong.
Therefor, sticking with 'she/her' pronouns for now and not changing much until I worked this out. Part of the problem being that in Germany, where I am, no gender-neutral pronouns exist unless I want to be called a) it, b) a formal version of you that's written like she but with a capital S, c) a government made-up term that's either not even a word or looks as if someone randomly hit letters on the keyboard or d) a term in another language. On top LGBT acceptance is still WIP and there are some political parties on the rise that seem to like us to go back to 1939, which is scary enough even if I wouldn't be directly affected by their believes.
But I'm glad to have found this place and be insecure and questioning and work things out until I'm sure enough to come out in RL.

[Trinity]

Oct 14, 2018 23:59:14 GMT 8 Tornait said:

So I'm soon 22, so far female and just discovered some days ago that non-binary might be my thing. First reaction was “that's great, finally something that fits” followed by “I can't deal with this right now” and a sorta nervous breakdown.
Which I'll take as progress since I usual don't get them over unimportant stuff. Or things that really just had a phase. (I had those). But I'm honestly a good bit messed up, but with non-binary a couple things make more sense in retrospect and I'm more comfortable just being me instead of trying to fit into society roles I never could truly embrace. Fyi I'm pretty sure to have Asperger autism – undiagnosed, but functional and as the one time I tried to talk about it with my mum (who works with autism kids, so she's a kind of professional) didn't went well I'm a bit edgy getting real help for that as long as I'm able to live on my own without too much of a problem.
Right now I'm a good bit scared of the change to come – not because it feels wrong, but because it means getting out of my safe zone of routine. All while trying to managing adulting and not get overwhelmed by... figuring out how to not fail at getting a job after the apprenticeship, how maybe find some RL friends because I've been living in this town for two years now and don't know anyone, avoid questions on non-existent boyfriends, maybe jump over my shadow and reach out to the local autism community... you see, I got my share of stress even without questioning where on the non-binary spectrum I belong.
Therefor, sticking with 'she/her' pronouns for now and not changing much until I worked this out. Part of the problem being that in Germany, where I am, no gender-neutral pronouns exist unless I want to be called a) it, b) a formal version of you that's written like she but with a capital S, c) a government made-up term that's either not even a word or looks as if someone randomly hit letters on the keyboard or d) a term in another language. On top LGBT acceptance is still WIP and there are some political parties on the rise that seem to like us to go back to 1939, which is scary enough even if I wouldn't be directly affected by their believes.
But I'm glad to have found this place and be insecure and questioning and work things out until I'm sure enough to come out in RL.

Welcome to the forum!
Ues there is a lot about just living in here, as well as gender.

Hope you read and enjoy and flourish.

Trinity

[Yuki]

Welcome!

I'm also on the spectrum. It seems common for autistic people to be trans, especially nonbinary. I don't think anyone ever came up with a reason why that might be, lol. But I see a lot of trans autistic people, and a lot of autistic trans people... or at least, trans people that have quite a few autistic traits.

[Von]

Wow, that's a lot to deal with. But we're all here to help, so don't be shy about asking stuff! We're a real friendly bunch, and would be glad to discuss anything with you.

SO welcome, and enjoy your stay.

[Maka]

Welcome!

[Trinity]

Oct 14, 2018 23:59:14 GMT 8 Tornait said:

So I'm soon 22, so far female and just discovered some days ago that non-binary might be my thing. First reaction was “that's great, finally something that fits” followed by “I can't deal with this right now” and a sorta nervous breakdown.
Which I'll take as progress since I usual don't get them over unimportant stuff. Or things that really just had a phase. (I had those). But I'm honestly a good bit messed up, but with non-binary a couple things make more sense in retrospect and I'm more comfortable just being me instead of trying to fit into society roles I never could truly embrace. Fyi I'm pretty sure to have Asperger autism – undiagnosed, but functional and as the one time I tried to talk about it with my mum (who works with autism kids, so she's a kind of professional) didn't went well I'm a bit edgy getting real help for that as long as I'm able to live on my own without too much of a problem.
Right now I'm a good bit scared of the change to come – not because it feels wrong, but because it means getting out of my safe zone of routine. All while trying to managing adulting and not get overwhelmed by... figuring out how to not fail at getting a job after the apprenticeship, how maybe find some RL friends because I've been living in this town for two years now and don't know anyone, avoid questions on non-existent boyfriends, maybe jump over my shadow and reach out to the local autism community... you see, I got my share of stress even without questioning where on the non-binary spectrum I belong.
Therefor, sticking with 'she/her' pronouns for now and not changing much until I worked this out. Part of the problem being that in Germany, where I am, no gender-neutral pronouns exist unless I want to be called a) it, b) a formal version of you that's written like she but with a capital S, c) a government made-up term that's either not even a word or looks as if someone randomly hit letters on the keyboard or d) a term in another language. On top LGBT acceptance is still WIP and there are some political parties on the rise that seem to like us to go back to 1939, which is scary enough even if I wouldn't be directly affected by their believes.
But I'm glad to have found this place and be insecure and questioning and work things out until I'm sure enough to come out in RL.

There's a lot here for you to work through.

Gender issues can be pretty straightforward, basically from what I see here, its de-stressing yourself, I see loneliness, not fitting in, which we all have as well, and just struggling.  And 22 can be really overwhelming.

So the breakdown, which is pretty natural to have confronting big things, is pretty normal.

See if you can get your stress levels down, do the little things that make you feel good, like drinking coffee or something, creating a nice safe place where you live for you to retreat into, with music or whatever.

Gender will fall into place, don't worry about placing it on a spectrum, we have found mostly that its non lineal and we have elements of all genders in us, so what is that on a spectrum?  Its more important to nurture the elements we find in ourselves so we are more comfortable and happy.

And that is the key to a lot of this.

Hang in there.

[Tornait]

Thanks you all (and twice to Trinity )

I'm already feeling more comfortable just knowing, that's way better than being out of sync with myself and don't even know the reason for it. As I'm living in my own place already and alone, I can work that out without interfering and in my own pace. Life will work out too, just needs some more months to settle into a steady job.

Yuki
Maybe because autistic people don't get society rules alone that easy? Including things as traditional gender roles or why to go by them?

[Leena]

Oct 16, 2018 0:32:14 GMT 8 Tornait said:

Thanks you all (and twice to Trinity )

I'm already feeling more comfortable just knowing, that's way better than being out of sync with myself and don't even know the reason for it. As I'm living in my own place already and alone, I can work that out without interfering and in my own pace. Life will work out too, just needs some more months to settle into a steady job.

Yuki
Maybe because autistic people don't get society rules alone that easy? Including things as traditional gender roles or why to go by them?

Welcome Tornait!

Perhaps because society's rules are made by and for neurotypical people. I have ADHD and read somewhere that it is estimated that 5% of people with ADHD or autism are non-binary or transgender, which is much higher than the overall estimates.

I spend most of my life trying to act like a neurotypical guy, and while I can sometimes pull it off for a short time, it is just not what I am.

[Becky]

Oct 14, 2018 23:59:14 GMT 8 Tornait said:

So I'm soon 22, so far female and just discovered some days ago that non-binary might be my thing. First reaction was “that's great, finally something that fits” followed by “I can't deal with this right now” and a sorta nervous breakdown.
Which I'll take as progress since I usual don't get them over unimportant stuff. Or things that really just had a phase. (I had those). But I'm honestly a good bit messed up, but with non-binary a couple things make more sense in retrospect and I'm more comfortable just being me instead of trying to fit into society roles I never could truly embrace. Fyi I'm pretty sure to have Asperger autism – undiagnosed, but functional and as the one time I tried to talk about it with my mum (who works with autism kids, so she's a kind of professional) didn't went well I'm a bit edgy getting real help for that as long as I'm able to live on my own without too much of a problem.
Right now I'm a good bit scared of the change to come – not because it feels wrong, but because it means getting out of my safe zone of routine. All while trying to managing adulting and not get overwhelmed by... figuring out how to not fail at getting a job after the apprenticeship, how maybe find some RL friends because I've been living in this town for two years now and don't know anyone, avoid questions on non-existent boyfriends, maybe jump over my shadow and reach out to the local autism community... you see, I got my share of stress even without questioning where on the non-binary spectrum I belong.
Therefor, sticking with 'she/her' pronouns for now and not changing much until I worked this out. Part of the problem being that in Germany, where I am, no gender-neutral pronouns exist unless I want to be called a) it, b) a formal version of you that's written like she but with a capital S, c) a government made-up term that's either not even a word or looks as if someone randomly hit letters on the keyboard or d) a term in another language. On top LGBT acceptance is still WIP and there are some political parties on the rise that seem to like us to go back to 1939, which is scary enough even if I wouldn't be directly affected by their believes.
But I'm glad to have found this place and be insecure and questioning and work things out until I'm sure enough to come out in RL.

Wilkommen, Tornait!  It is wonderful to have you on the forum.  

Many of us in America have the impression that all of Europe is more progressive and free than we are, so it comes as sad news that you have the same mean and ignorant people who want to revisit the restrictions and rules of the past.

I hope you will find this as friendly and welcoming a space as I did.  Please make yourself at home!

[Becky]

Oct 14, 2018 23:59:14 GMT 8 Tornait said:

Part of the problem being that in Germany, where I am, no gender-neutral pronouns exist unless I want to be called a) it, b) a formal version of you that's written like she but with a capital S, c) a government made-up term that's either not even a word or looks as if someone randomly hit letters on the keyboard or d) a term in another language.

As a quick extra note, my wife and I absolutely LOVE German-speaking countries.  We honeymooned on the Bodensee in 2003, and worked for 5 weeks in Salzburg, Austria in 2017.  I have to say, however, that your English is 100 times better than my German!

[Tornait]

Oct 16, 2018 3:10:04 GMT 8 Leena said:

I spend most of my life trying to act like a neurotypical guy, and while I can sometimes pull it off for a short time, it is just not what I am.

Same here - just that I got pretty soon overwhelmed by the effort and kinda gave up after a while in every new environment. Just tried to keep to myself bc that was the only way to get comfortable.

Becky

Huh, I always was under the impression that America is the land of the free, where all things are possible and a broader range of self-expression exists - but I guess you can find bad people everwhere.
Glad you had a nice time here! I'm living in the middle-east part, though we sure got some great locations all over. English got second-nature to me, albeit I fear my speaking is way below my writing and reading for lack of use.

[Physics Buff]

So tell me, tornait, why nb fits better than m or f? I am interested in nb as I feel depressed about my social presentation as m. When I talk to someone at the Alano Club I feel as if there were an invisible glass barrier between us.

[Tornait]

Oct 27, 2018 3:52:11 GMT 8 Physics Buff said:

So tell me, tornait, why nb fits better than m or f? I am interested in nb as I feel depressed about my social presentation as m. When I talk to someone at the Alano Club I feel as if there were an invisible glass barrier between us.

Well, for me it's about finding something that fit better than the accepted gender roles. I was raised a girl but wanted at occasion to be a boy. To belong in the male group, because I didn't felt like I had a place in the girl group. But it's not about my body right now or my sexuality. I would like a more androgynous look, but this is something I'll have to think about more and take slow steps towards to not trigger my mix of other issues and get into another breakdown.
Personally I'm just glad to have a way that allows me to step back from the society rules of binary that escape my understanding and just be me. Even if that for the time being means no outward change. I'm still figuring a lot out myself.

[Physics Buff]

@ tornait, thanks for your thoughtful reply. I hope things work out for you. The issue with pronouns makes it sound like they are not very progressive. You make me grateful that I live in an LGBT friendly neighborhood in Chicago. Perhaps if I experiment with gender expression it would go well.