The Beginning of My Journey
Oct 6, 2018 10:21:47 GMT 8
Ativan Prescribed, Trinity, and 3 more like this
Post by Jess on Oct 6, 2018 10:21:47 GMT 8
Hello Everyone
I am Jess. I want to start by saying that I am new to the non-binary world so I apologize in advance if I misuse some of the terminology. I am still learning.
I am 43 years old AFAB and up until last month I have attempted to live my entire life as a female. I am married to a straight cis male. We have been together for 23 years and married for 21 years. We have three children ages 18, 16, and 12.
I have never been happy. For as long as I can remember, I have never fit in anywhere. I have spent my entire life trying to fit and feel comfortable without success. About six months ago, I reached a crisis point where I felt like I just couldn't live another day trying to be something I wasn't. I felt like I just couldn't be married anymore. I couldn't figure out why I felt like this. I just did. I kept asking myself if this was a mid-life crisis.
I spoke with a few friends I have at work and they suggested that a therapist might be able to help me sort all of this out. I started therapy in July of this year. After two months of therapy, I had my first real breakthrough. I was ordering a latte at a Starbucks and the person taking my order appeared to me not to be a male or a female. Now, I obviously have encountered individuals like this before, but this time was different. I had this feeling come over me that I was just like the person behind the counter. I am not female or male. This feeling produced a tremendous amount of calm and peace inside me. I realized I now had a glimpse at my true self. I can honestly say that I had never experienced that before, a look at my true self.
My therapist was the first person I told about this experience and my true gender identity. My entire life suddenly made sense! All the struggle. All the pain. All the confusion. It all made sense. What a relief I felt! However, that relief was followed by intense sadness and grief. I looked around at the life I had created and none of it seemed to fit with my true self. I recognized my discomfort and pain resulted from something that I now had a term for: gender dysphoria. I knew deep down that I needed to take steps toward living as my true self. I spent a few weeks grappling with disconnect between what I knew to be true on the inside and the life I was living on the outside.
I felt strongly that in order to begin the journey of finding out all of the aspects of my true self and the best way to live my truth I had to figure out a way to tell all of those closest to me about my non-binary identity and the transition that I would begin to explore. After I told my therapist, I told my dad (who came out as gay when I was 23 and newly married.) Then I told my friends. My dad and my friends are all very supportive, but I know they struggle to understand what non-binary really means. Most recently, I have come out to my husband, my kids, my siblings, and my mother. My husband has also chosen to tell his parents and sister. Everyone says they are supportive, but I know they do not understand.
My husband has decided that he wants to separate but he wants to do it in a way that will be the least harmful for the kids. I don't want to stay married so it was actually a relief that he wants to separate. I believe I am pansexual, but I am definitely more attracted to women and would like to explore those feelings.
I have come to this forum because I need to find and talk to other people like me who understand the complexity of who I am and the inner struggles I live with on a daily basis. I have been reading many of the threads here and I feel like I have found a place where I fit for the first time in my life.
I have turned my world and the world of those closest to me upside down in a matter of months. I now exist in a world between the old and the new and that is a very difficult place to be. While it is difficult, it is less painful and confusing than my old world and a necessary step on the path to my new world.
Thanks for reading my rather long introduction and I look forward to being a member of this community!
I am Jess. I want to start by saying that I am new to the non-binary world so I apologize in advance if I misuse some of the terminology. I am still learning.
I am 43 years old AFAB and up until last month I have attempted to live my entire life as a female. I am married to a straight cis male. We have been together for 23 years and married for 21 years. We have three children ages 18, 16, and 12.
I have never been happy. For as long as I can remember, I have never fit in anywhere. I have spent my entire life trying to fit and feel comfortable without success. About six months ago, I reached a crisis point where I felt like I just couldn't live another day trying to be something I wasn't. I felt like I just couldn't be married anymore. I couldn't figure out why I felt like this. I just did. I kept asking myself if this was a mid-life crisis.
I spoke with a few friends I have at work and they suggested that a therapist might be able to help me sort all of this out. I started therapy in July of this year. After two months of therapy, I had my first real breakthrough. I was ordering a latte at a Starbucks and the person taking my order appeared to me not to be a male or a female. Now, I obviously have encountered individuals like this before, but this time was different. I had this feeling come over me that I was just like the person behind the counter. I am not female or male. This feeling produced a tremendous amount of calm and peace inside me. I realized I now had a glimpse at my true self. I can honestly say that I had never experienced that before, a look at my true self.
My therapist was the first person I told about this experience and my true gender identity. My entire life suddenly made sense! All the struggle. All the pain. All the confusion. It all made sense. What a relief I felt! However, that relief was followed by intense sadness and grief. I looked around at the life I had created and none of it seemed to fit with my true self. I recognized my discomfort and pain resulted from something that I now had a term for: gender dysphoria. I knew deep down that I needed to take steps toward living as my true self. I spent a few weeks grappling with disconnect between what I knew to be true on the inside and the life I was living on the outside.
I felt strongly that in order to begin the journey of finding out all of the aspects of my true self and the best way to live my truth I had to figure out a way to tell all of those closest to me about my non-binary identity and the transition that I would begin to explore. After I told my therapist, I told my dad (who came out as gay when I was 23 and newly married.) Then I told my friends. My dad and my friends are all very supportive, but I know they struggle to understand what non-binary really means. Most recently, I have come out to my husband, my kids, my siblings, and my mother. My husband has also chosen to tell his parents and sister. Everyone says they are supportive, but I know they do not understand.
My husband has decided that he wants to separate but he wants to do it in a way that will be the least harmful for the kids. I don't want to stay married so it was actually a relief that he wants to separate. I believe I am pansexual, but I am definitely more attracted to women and would like to explore those feelings.
I have come to this forum because I need to find and talk to other people like me who understand the complexity of who I am and the inner struggles I live with on a daily basis. I have been reading many of the threads here and I feel like I have found a place where I fit for the first time in my life.
I have turned my world and the world of those closest to me upside down in a matter of months. I now exist in a world between the old and the new and that is a very difficult place to be. While it is difficult, it is less painful and confusing than my old world and a necessary step on the path to my new world.
Thanks for reading my rather long introduction and I look forward to being a member of this community!
