Hi! Questioning & Looking for Advice(Trigger Warning Inside)

[kbb0]

*Trigger warning for non explicit mentions of sexual trauma. Please do not read if this will trigger you.*


Hello everybody! I have always considered myself a cis woman just because being considered a woman never felt wrong, but honestly most of the time I do not think about my gender at all and I forget about my gender. Right now I am trying to figure out if I may actually be genderqueer. I was talking to my roommate who is nonbinary and I mentioned that I don't like looking at anyone's genitalia (I am asexual and sex repulsed, though I am sex positive for others who enjoy it). They understood that to be simply my asexuality, but then I mentioned that I don't like to look at my own genitalia (My top half is fine, just my bottom half). And they said that that is not a normal part of asexuality. They thought it was because of the sexual trauma I had as a very small child (also for anyone wondering my asexuality is not caused by my trauma), but then later approached me and asked if maybe it felt like dysphoria. And honestly I don't know. I do always forget I have genitalia until I see it and I feel like having none at all would be comfortable. I love to crossdress, and my gender expression is fluid. Some days I like to dress more feminine and some days androgynous or a combination of feminine and masculine. If I don't dress the way I am feeling I do experience discomfort, but I don't like being called he/him unless I am purposely trying to cross dress and be a man. I have never tried being called they/them so I don't know what that feels like.

It's hard to figure this out because my trauma happened at such a young age that I don't remember it. It's hard to know what feelings are due to what, what is normal and what is not. Would anyone else who has knowledge or experience with either dysphoria or trauma be able to help differentiate them for me?

Sorry this is so long. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[Yuki]

Sept 15, 2018 12:47:20 GMT 8 kbb0 said:

*Trigger warning for non explicit mentions of sexual trauma. Please do not read if this will trigger you.*


Hello everybody! I have always considered myself a cis woman just because being considered a woman never felt wrong, but honestly most of the time I do not think about my gender at all and I forget about my gender. Right now I am trying to figure out if I may actually be genderqueer. I was talking to my roommate who is nonbinary and I mentioned that I don't like looking at anyone's genitalia (I am asexual and sex repulsed, though I am sex positive for others who enjoy it). They understood that to be simply my asexuality, but then I mentioned that I don't like to look at my own genitalia (My top half is fine, just my bottom half). And they said that that is not a normal part of asexuality. They thought it was because of the sexual trauma I had as a very small child (also for anyone wondering my asexuality is not caused by my trauma), but then later approached me and asked if maybe it felt like dysphoria. And honestly I don't know. I do always forget I have genitalia until I see it and I feel like having none at all would be comfortable. I love to crossdress, and my gender expression is fluid. Some days I like to dress more feminine and some days androgynous or a combination of feminine and masculine. If I don't dress the way I am feeling I do experience discomfort, but I don't like being called he/him unless I am purposely trying to cross dress and be a man. I have never tried being called they/them so I don't know what that feels like.

It's hard to figure this out because my trauma happened at such a young age that I don't remember it. It's hard to know what feelings are due to what, what is normal and what is not. Would anyone else who has knowledge or experience with either dysphoria or trauma be able to help differentiate them for me?

Sorry this is so long. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Most of us here have at least some dysphoria, myself included.

It's also been brought up by others that I may have had sexual trauma as a child.. but if I did, then I must have blocked it out because I don't remember, so I may never know. I would say, though, that if anything, it led me to be inappropriately sexual at a young age, rather than averse to it. I'm not anymore, though. But I do fall on the asexual spectrum as far as rarely being attracted to any people... however, I'm not sex repulsed in any way, so I can't speak on that. I just don't make sex a priority very often. lol

But I don't know if that type of trauma could cause you to be averse to seeing your own genitalia or not, I don't know much about it. I've never heard of sexual abuse survivors talk about it, so it could very well be dysphoria.

As far as gender expression goes... gender expression is separate from gender identity, generally speaking. For example, my husband is a cis male.. if he wanted to wear dresses, that wouldn't make him trans in itself.

But... since you do mention feeling discomfort when you don't dress that way, then yes that could definitely be related to dysphoria. For me, dressing as a woman gives me more social anxiety and makes me want to not be seen by anyone. I feel like I have no business wearing those things. Like other people will see right through it and wonder why I'm wearing that... so it's like I'm hiding something.

Oh and again with genitalia... I'm not grossed out by mine, but I also don't really care too much what I have down there. My chest, on the other hand, is another story... I think my breasts are the most disgusting thing to exist. To me, they just look nasty and wrong and I don't want them there.

I hope that all made sense. I'm sick right now with stuffed up sinuses so I can't think very well, lol.

But I hope that helped? Maybe I'll re-read it later and try to clarify when I can think straight.

But really the best way to figure out if you're trans, or nonbinary, or anything, is to just... take your time and try stuff out. Explore. Be aware of how things make you feel. Maybe have your roommate test out referring to you as "they" to see how that feels, although pronouns don't necessarily have to change. Try out different gender identities in your head for a while. Find other people who can identify similarly and see if you can relate to their stories.

There's this thing, too, where you can try out a new name and pronouns if you want: www.pronouns.failedslacker.com/

But again, even if you want to stick with your old pronouns, that doesn't necessarily mean you aren't genderqueer.

It's complicated and isn't a very straightforward journey, but over time you'll understand better and become more comfortable with all of it.

[kbb0]

Thank you for your very well thought out and sincere response. I do have a lot to think about and I've asked my roommate to call me "they" sometimes to see how it feels. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer.

[Trinity]

Sept 15, 2018 12:47:20 GMT 8 kbb0 said:

*Trigger warning for non explicit mentions of sexual trauma. Please do not read if this will trigger you.*


Hello everybody! I have always considered myself a cis woman just because being considered a woman never felt wrong, but honestly most of the time I do not think about my gender at all and I forget about my gender. Right now I am trying to figure out if I may actually be genderqueer. I was talking to my roommate who is nonbinary and I mentioned that I don't like looking at anyone's genitalia (I am asexual and sex repulsed, though I am sex positive for others who enjoy it). They understood that to be simply my asexuality, but then I mentioned that I don't like to look at my own genitalia (My top half is fine, just my bottom half). And they said that that is not a normal part of asexuality. They thought it was because of the sexual trauma I had as a very small child (also for anyone wondering my asexuality is not caused by my trauma), but then later approached me and asked if maybe it felt like dysphoria. And honestly I don't know. I do always forget I have genitalia until I see it and I feel like having none at all would be comfortable. I love to crossdress, and my gender expression is fluid. Some days I like to dress more feminine and some days androgynous or a combination of feminine and masculine. If I don't dress the way I am feeling I do experience discomfort, but I don't like being called he/him unless I am purposely trying to cross dress and be a man. I have never tried being called they/them so I don't know what that feels like.

It's hard to figure this out because my trauma happened at such a young age that I don't remember it. It's hard to know what feelings are due to what, what is normal and what is not. Would anyone else who has knowledge or experience with either dysphoria or trauma be able to help differentiate them for me?

Sorry this is so long. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Its an interesting post.

Im not thrilled with either genitalia.  I ignore mine.  And i dont want surgery.  At least not now.


However i am full transition and need it.


Sounds nonbinary to me, your thing, pretty cool too.


Theres so many ways to be us.


Keep asking.


t

[Ativan Prescribed]

Sept 15, 2018 12:47:20 GMT 8 kbb0 said:

*Trigger warning for non explicit mentions of sexual trauma. Please do not read if this will trigger you.*


Hello everybody! I have always considered myself a cis woman just because being considered a woman never felt wrong, but honestly most of the time I do not think about my gender at all and I forget about my gender. Right now I am trying to figure out if I may actually be genderqueer. I was talking to my roommate who is nonbinary and I mentioned that I don't like looking at anyone's genitalia (I am asexual and sex repulsed, though I am sex positive for others who enjoy it). They understood that to be simply my asexuality, but then I mentioned that I don't like to look at my own genitalia (My top half is fine, just my bottom half). And they said that that is not a normal part of asexuality. They thought it was because of the sexual trauma I had as a very small child (also for anyone wondering my asexuality is not caused by my trauma), but then later approached me and asked if maybe it felt like dysphoria. And honestly I don't know. I do always forget I have genitalia until I see it and I feel like having none at all would be comfortable. I love to crossdress, and my gender expression is fluid. Some days I like to dress more feminine and some days androgynous or a combination of feminine and masculine. If I don't dress the way I am feeling I do experience discomfort, but I don't like being called he/him unless I am purposely trying to cross dress and be a man. I have never tried being called they/them so I don't know what that feels like.

It's hard to figure this out because my trauma happened at such a young age that I don't remember it. It's hard to know what feelings are due to what, what is normal and what is not. Would anyone else who has knowledge or experience with either dysphoria or trauma be able to help differentiate them for me?

Sorry this is so long. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Trama that you can't remember can have all kinds of effects on a person, or none, depends on so many things.
It can have a dysphoria effect, again it depends.
I know that being brutally raped as a young teen affected me for a long time, PTSD, nightmares, afraid of just being alone like walking home, living on country roads makes for some alone times for sure.
But that had the effect of first being afraid about the feminine aspects of me, and I knew all about them before the rape, but the rape centered around that to an extent.
But it was pretty much impossible to change me at the core of who I am, and that had its share of problems, growing up in the 50's 60's had a lot of pressure to be who society said I should be, but even then the signals were mixed.
So I tried to do the man up thing, did the stuff that gave the appearance that I was more than I really was, and dysphoria was a constant thing, seems like it was always there.
But the trauma caused all sorts of things to happen because of the reactions to things, and I went way out of my way to counter those things, and that made the dysphoria worse, which had an effect on the trauma stuff.
So they can be a mix, they are two different things, but they can affect each other and/or just be a mix that is stable to a point, I don't think either ever becomes what a person could call as stable, there is a constant push against both for me.
But since the two can be separated pretty easily, it shouldn't be a problem and can be an advantage in keeping things level.
Dysphoria is a hard one to explain, because it's a hard one to come to the realization that it is there, but once you do, there is no putting that back in the bottle again.
Trama is something that can be worked through to the point that it becomes a separate thing about you, it loses its grip that causes reactions that aren't the way you should be, but that all depends again as well.
Asexuality can be from a lot of things and it is something that for the most part is just something that is there, no need to explain it, it just is.
Finding peoples parts to be offensive is kinda out there, but is it revulsion or just a dislike, that can be pretty much of an it depends thing as well.
If you really want to know more, then it is a good idea to get to know us here, and to read through the topics and posts from the past, a lot is just conversation, but that conversation is from a NB point of view.
Because it is different for each person and because there are so many elements of it that you use or don't, and that  it is indeed a common thing to the point that for many, it just is and rates a so what for them, a what's your point kind of thing.
So hang out, post stuff that you want, there are no real rules here and your story is one that we have heard before and have experienced it to some extent ourselves, make up new topics if you want, it's all good, no rules, golden rule...
But the more information people have about you and the more you have about them, the more you get the idea and how it works for us, it's a pretty friendly place, being a pain in the ass doesn't get you very far here so there isn't much of it.
But the answer to your questions can be found in just being here and soaking up what there is that interest you.