Coming Out Before College

[Deleted]

Hello everyone,

I'm new on this forum, as you can probably tell. Nice to meet you! I made an account because I've been searching for answers to a dilemma I have on pretty much every single transgender/non-binary forum and I haven't found them as of yet, so I'm wondering if you guys have any ideas?

Okay, so I'll be going to college this fall. I'm not really out to anyone as non-binary except my immediate family and one of my friends, and they are still using she/her/hers pronouns for me (at my request.) I am not in the closet, per ce—if it came up in conversation, I wouldn't hesitate to say that I am non-binary, or transgender, or whatever, but it's never come up, so nobody knows.

Anyway, I know that the college I'll be going to is very liberal and has a culture of asking pronouns. I want to try using he/him/his pronouns when I'm there, but I'm worried about several things. First of all, I have Facebook and Instagram accounts, and I am connected to my future classmates on both websites. I'm also Facebook and Instagram friends/followers with my extended family and current friends right now. I'm worried that my college friends might use he/him/his pronouns for me on social media and I'll be forced to out myself. I really don't want to be outed, as I feel that I have nothing to hide and that would cause much more confusion around it than is necessary, but I don't want to come out to my extended family formally yet because I'm still very young and don't know if I'll permanently stick with he/him/his pronouns—or even stick with the gender I identify with currently. I'm pretty shy, and don't see my extended family very often (mostly at family gatherings), so me coming out in front of all of them at once would be a very big deal, as it would be out of character for me. Thankfully, I get the impression that both sides of my family are of the accepting-but-ignorant variety. Still it wouldn't exactly be simple to revise whatever I say to them when coming out (also, if I did revise at all, it might enforce the myth that transgender people are confused.) Obviously, in a world without social media my college friends would never come into contact with my extended family, and this wouldn't be a problem!

I'm also worried that if I did come out, that would be all I was to them, I would become "that one transgender person." Since I feel like my gender is the least of my characteristics, it would upset me for that to be drawn into the spotlight and be the only thing people see about me or talk to me about. That's also one of the reasons I haven't changed my pronouns, because even though I am perceived as male/non-binary sometimes, I'm mainly read as female, so it would require someone to constantly be thinking about my pronouns for them to use the right ones, consequently, always thinking about how I'm transgender. I would rather people just see me for who I am without having to think about it or make an effort, because it makes me uncomfortable when I feel like I'm inconveniencing someone. 

I want to be able to explore my presentation in college, where I know that others will be doing the same alongside me and be understanding, but I don't want that to mean a big-deal coming out to everyone I know (I don't even know how I'd get in touch with everyone I know, but if I left anyone out I'd feel really bad about it.) 

Sorry about the long post! What do you guys think? Any suggestions?

A.

[Trinity]

Apr 29, 2018 22:34:41 GMT 8 @wyrm said:

Hello everyone,

I'm new on this forum, as you can probably tell. Nice to meet you! I made an account because I've been searching for answers to a dilemma I have on pretty much every single transgender/non-binary forum and I haven't found them as of yet, so I'm wondering if you guys have any ideas?

Okay, so I'll be going to college this fall. I'm not really out to anyone as non-binary except my immediate family and one of my friends, and they are still using she/her/hers pronouns for me (at my request.) I am not in the closet, per ce—if it came up in conversation, I wouldn't hesitate to say that I am non-binary, or transgender, or whatever, but it's never come up, so nobody knows.

Anyway, I know that the college I'll be going to is very liberal and has a culture of asking pronouns. I want to try using he/him/his pronouns when I'm there, but I'm worried about several things. First of all, I have Facebook and Instagram accounts, and I am connected to my future classmates on both websites. I'm also Facebook and Instagram friends/followers with my extended family and current friends right now. I'm worried that my college friends might use he/him/his pronouns for me on social media and I'll be forced to out myself. I really don't want to be outed, as I feel that I have nothing to hide and that would cause much more confusion around it than is necessary, but I don't want to come out to my extended family formally yet because I'm still very young and don't know if I'll permanently stick with he/him/his pronouns—or even stick with the gender I identify with currently. I'm pretty shy, and don't see my extended family very often (mostly at family gatherings), so me coming out in front of all of them at once would be a very big deal, as it would be out of character for me. Thankfully, I get the impression that both sides of my family are of the accepting-but-ignorant variety. Still it wouldn't exactly be simple to revise whatever I say to them when coming out (also, if I did revise at all, it might enforce the myth that transgender people are confused.) Obviously, in a world without social media my college friends would never come into contact with my extended family, and this wouldn't be a problem!

I'm also worried that if I did come out, that would be all I was to them, I would become "that one transgender person." Since I feel like my gender is the least of my characteristics, it would upset me for that to be drawn into the spotlight and be the only thing people see about me or talk to me about. That's also one of the reasons I haven't changed my pronouns, because even though I am perceived as male/non-binary sometimes, I'm mainly read as female, so it would require someone to constantly be thinking about my pronouns for them to use the right ones, consequently, always thinking about how I'm transgender. I would rather people just see me for who I am without having to think about it or make an effort, because it makes me uncomfortable when I feel like I'm inconveniencing someone. 

I want to be able to explore my presentation in college, where I know that others will be doing the same alongside me and be understanding, but I don't want that to mean a big-deal coming out to everyone I know (I don't even know how I'd get in touch with everyone I know, but if I left anyone out I'd feel really bad about it.) 

Sorry about the long post! What do you guys think? Any suggestions?

A.

On social media I use only my stage names.  I do not use my deadname anywhere.

It does protect me.  I live two separate lives.  One us public, and one is to the extended family that can harm me.

They dont know my name.

Sooner or later they will find out, and I dont care anymore when they do.

But I keep mt life trans separate from my personal life, in layers really.

Multiple accounts.  Solves problems.

[timelessexplorer]

Apr 29, 2018 22:34:41 GMT 8 @wyrm said:

Hello everyone,

I'm new on this forum, as you can probably tell. Nice to meet you! I made an account because I've been searching for answers to a dilemma I have on pretty much every single transgender/non-binary forum and I haven't found them as of yet, so I'm wondering if you guys have any ideas?

Okay, so I'll be going to college this fall. I'm not really out to anyone as non-binary except my immediate family and one of my friends, and they are still using she/her/hers pronouns for me (at my request.) I am not in the closet, per ce—if it came up in conversation, I wouldn't hesitate to say that I am non-binary, or transgender, or whatever, but it's never come up, so nobody knows.

Anyway, I know that the college I'll be going to is very liberal and has a culture of asking pronouns. I want to try using he/him/his pronouns when I'm there, but I'm worried about several things. First of all, I have Facebook and Instagram accounts, and I am connected to my future classmates on both websites. I'm also Facebook and Instagram friends/followers with my extended family and current friends right now. I'm worried that my college friends might use he/him/his pronouns for me on social media and I'll be forced to out myself. I really don't want to be outed, as I feel that I have nothing to hide and that would cause much more confusion around it than is necessary, but I don't want to come out to my extended family formally yet because I'm still very young and don't know if I'll permanently stick with he/him/his pronouns—or even stick with the gender I identify with currently. I'm pretty shy, and don't see my extended family very often (mostly at family gatherings), so me coming out in front of all of them at once would be a very big deal, as it would be out of character for me. Thankfully, I get the impression that both sides of my family are of the accepting-but-ignorant variety. Still it wouldn't exactly be simple to revise whatever I say to them when coming out (also, if I did revise at all, it might enforce the myth that transgender people are confused.) Obviously, in a world without social media my college friends would never come into contact with my extended family, and this wouldn't be a problem!

I'm also worried that if I did come out, that would be all I was to them, I would become "that one transgender person." Since I feel like my gender is the least of my characteristics, it would upset me for that to be drawn into the spotlight and be the only thing people see about me or talk to me about. That's also one of the reasons I haven't changed my pronouns, because even though I am perceived as male/non-binary sometimes, I'm mainly read as female, so it would require someone to constantly be thinking about my pronouns for them to use the right ones, consequently, always thinking about how I'm transgender. I would rather people just see me for who I am without having to think about it or make an effort, because it makes me uncomfortable when I feel like I'm inconveniencing someone. 

I want to be able to explore my presentation in college, where I know that others will be doing the same alongside me and be understanding, but I don't want that to mean a big-deal coming out to everyone I know (I don't even know how I'd get in touch with everyone I know, but if I left anyone out I'd feel really bad about it.) 

Sorry about the long post! What do you guys think? Any suggestions?

A.

I am a College Professor and I love to see students using college as a time to explore their real selves. Social Media has become an important tool in our social lives, but it is merely a tool. You could create and out social media presence to explore the coming out process and share that site with only those you desire to come out to. As you become more comfortable being yourself, you can add more people or out yourself on your regular site. I encourage you to be in control of the exploration and discovery process and have fun!