[ti]question[/ti]I don't feel like I belong

[Moira]

    I'm going to attempt to keep my post concise, but please forgive me if it's meandering.
The main reason I joined this forum is that I don't really feel like I belong in any one group; when I was younger I thought I was a transwoman, as a I wanted to be pretty, and liked wearing dresses, and in general acted more feminine...however, I had no desire to get a surgery, and at times I was fine with my male persona. I thought I was "fake", and suppressed those feelings until recently. 

But then a little while ago I had an epiphany (during some bouts of depression) that duh, I'm genderfluid; sometimes I feel like I'm a girl, sometimes a man. Not all that complicated.
But now I'm having a hard time feeling like I'm a part of anyone; I don't really hang out with cis men, as I have trouble understanding them, and I can't hang out with cis women because I'm "a guy". With trans women, I still feel that "fake" feeling that I get, because they have gone through so much hardship, and I can rely on my male persona at work and other places to get by. And then with trans men, our experiences are completely different.

 I want to get to know more genderfluid people, and am trying to get involved at an LGBT+ club near me to meet more of them, as well as any other mTf peoples that may be there. 

I guess my main question is, does anyone else have these feelings? And what do you do to cope with them?

[EJ]

I feel you.  It's so hard to find a place where you belong, but in my experience its always good to find people you can connect and relate to. It can take awhile, but finding a friend that's had a similar experience as you, can make you feel so much better.

[Becky]

I am totally with you! I am assigned male at birth, but I would say I'm about 75% feminine and 25% masculine. My whole life, I have been mystified by what most men think and act like - I've almost felt like some kind of imposter who will be found out in the end. This is really stressful!

I adore being in groups of women and talking with them, but they're not always as welcoming as I would like. I especially have to bite my tongue when the conversation turns to pretty clothes and makeup, because a guy talking about these things can come across as "creepy." Equally creepy would be me trying to pass as a woman in public, with a clearly square jaw and a super-sized nose.

All that aside, I've never had a desire to transition. There are parts of my masculinity that I'm either happy with or have made peace with. This is why I love the idea of being non-binary. This term, even this concept, didn't really exist when I was a youngster trying on dresses in the dark. Even in college, I really thought I'd have to pick being a guy or fully transitioning into a trans woman. I adore the thought that I can call myself and think of myself as a "demigirl" and exist in between established genders. It has taken away a lot of the depression I've fought in my life.

Whether or not I will ever publicly present my feminine side, I am internally in a much better place. And knowing that there are MANY other folks like me makes it even better. We're here, we're genderqueer, and we're together.

[Moira]

Thank you EJ, yeah, I met a few drag kings (that's how they define themselves as) at the club and they're going to introduce me to some people. Hopefully they'll be cool.

And Rebeccas, I completely agree, especially with the part about talking about clothes and makeup...I always want to compliment women on their outfits, and then realize that since I LOOK like a cis guy, this will come off as me trying to hit on them and be creepy (when in reality I just think it's cute and would like to wear something like it myself).

[Trinity]

That feeling of isolation is a big thing, it can be tough.

And being around binary trans when you are nonbinary can be rough too.

I have always felt alone and unique, it was only when I came here that I began to fit in. I fit in now, the peer group I have in NY is very similar in gender to me, but it took a while to find it, and even there, I sometimes feel like I don't quite fit in. But with the trans community in the New York theater - a microculture, actually, and I am involved with several levels and layers of it - there I do fit in. Fit in immensely.

We are all out there, the trick is to find us.

So, I guess your question is does anyone else feel like they don't fit into the social structure that is the world we live in....

Yes, and it made me a warrior.

[Leena]

I'm genderfluid too, and have felt some of the same things.

I thought I was binary trans for quite awhile, I still do sometimes, that's part of my fluidity I guess. I never really did feel comfortable hanging out with most cis guys, or understood them, though I am fairly comfortable around cis women, unless they start comparing me to their boyfriends or husbands or other guys they know.

Why is it you feel you can't hang out with cis women? I mean, yeah, they sometimes do think you are hitting on them if you are presenting like a guy, but it's not like cis guys avoid cis women because of that...

[Moira]

Thank you, Trinity. ^^

And Veronica, I guess I just feel weird; when I'm acting like a woman, I get that "fake" feeling, and when I'm a guy I feel like they just see me as they're "gay friend" which is inaccurate.

[Annys]

It is such a comfort to know it's not just me. We are so focused on what others expect from us.

[kitkat]

I've just been out for a meal and there were three cis women there that have really nice figures and wear clothes to complement their figures. There was also one cis man. I felt myself thinking though I am really not like them and I really do feel like another gender that doesn't fit with female or male. I would love to be slimmer though (like the women) as I feel my androgyny would suit a slimmer figure more. It's kind of nice at last to realise that is why I've never felt "girly" and not just because I'm weird or something!

[Becky]

Apr 19, 2018 6:50:30 GMT 8 kitkat said:

I've just been out for a meal and there were three cis women there that have really nice figures and wear clothes to complement their figures. There was also one cis man. I felt myself thinking though I am really not like them and I really do feel like another gender that doesn't fit with female or male. I would love to be slimmer though (like the women) as I feel my androgyny would suit a slimmer figure more. It's kind of nice at last to realise that is why I've never felt "girly" and not just because I'm weird or something!

These epiphanies in otherwise normal situations are always so funky, aren't they?

This morning, I was teaching a really difficult topic to a class.  All of a sudden, this thought popped crystal clear into my head: "Here I am, teaching this challenging concept, and I still haven't figured out what I am.  Most of these students have at least figured out what gender they are, and how to express that gender!"  It made me feel pretty foolish - and the students probably wondered why my speaking skipped a beat or two.

[Von]

I feel you a bit. Trying to figure out where you fit in the scheme of things is rough if you don't strictly belong to one 'group' or another.
I've felt alienated and alone because of how my gender shifts periodically. Most of the time I'm comfortable in my newfound masculinity, but others I find myself looking at old photos, holding my femme clothes, and feeling sad for some reason. No matter what I do, I feel like I'm not being true to myself, and that nobody else will accept me either, because i can't 'make up my mind'.

[timelessexplorer]

Apr 10, 2018 3:14:56 GMT 8 Moira said:

    I'm going to attempt to keep my post concise, but please forgive me if it's meandering.
The main reason I joined this forum is that I don't really feel like I belong in any one group; when I was younger I thought I was a transwoman, as a I wanted to be pretty, and liked wearing dresses, and in general acted more feminine...however, I had no desire to get a surgery, and at times I was fine with my male persona. I thought I was "fake", and suppressed those feelings until recently. 

But then a little while ago I had an epiphany (during some bouts of depression) that duh, I'm genderfluid; sometimes I feel like I'm a girl, sometimes a man. Not all that complicated.
But now I'm having a hard time feeling like I'm a part of anyone; I don't really hang out with cis men, as I have trouble understanding them, and I can't hang out with cis women because I'm "a guy". With trans women, I still feel that "fake" feeling that I get, because they have gone through so much hardship, and I can rely on my male persona at work and other places to get by. And then with trans men, our experiences are completely different.

 I want to get to know more genderfluid people, and am trying to get involved at an LGBT+ club near me to meet more of them, as well as any other mTf peoples that may be there. 

I guess my main question is, does anyone else have these feelings? And what do you do to cope with them?

I have felt the same way all my life. There are times when I really feel more like a woman. I even dated a man for a while who treated me like a woman and I loved it. I have no desire to change my biology but I love bathing in different gender energies. I too feel alone most of the time. I don't connect well with most men, except occasionally gay men and find a bit more acceptance with women. I cope by enjoying whatever I decide to do that day. One day, I may get my nails done and the next shave my head. I got my ears pierced and went on a earring buying spree. I would love a friend with whom I could just let me be a woman now and then. 

[Becky]

May 5, 2018 3:50:08 GMT 8 timelessexplorer said:

I have felt the same way all my life. There are times when I really feel more like a woman. I even dated a man for a while who treated me like a woman and I loved it. I have no desire to change my biology but I love bathing in different gender energies. I too feel alone most of the time. I don't connect well with most men, except occasionally gay men and find a bit more acceptance with women. I cope by enjoying whatever I decide to do that day. One day, I may get my nails done and the next shave my head. I got my ears pierced and went on a earring buying spree. I would love a friend with whom I could just let me be a woman now and then. 

I feel exactly the same way.  I get along better with women and have a lot more to say in a gathering of women than in a gathering of men.

I'm incredibly jealous that you got your ears pierced.  The selection of clip-on earrings is horrible, and they hurt your ears after a while.

A few of my students know that I have painted toenails, but that's about as open as I'm being at this point.  But it is so WONDERFUL to express myself as a woman.

[timelessexplorer]

May 5, 2018 10:20:41 GMT 8 Becky said:

May 5, 2018 3:50:08 GMT 8 timelessexplorer said:

I have felt the same way all my life. There are times when I really feel more like a woman. I even dated a man for a while who treated me like a woman and I loved it. I have no desire to change my biology but I love bathing in different gender energies. I too feel alone most of the time. I don't connect well with most men, except occasionally gay men and find a bit more acceptance with women. I cope by enjoying whatever I decide to do that day. One day, I may get my nails done and the next shave my head. I got my ears pierced and went on a earring buying spree. I would love a friend with whom I could just let me be a woman now and then. 

I feel exactly the same way.  I get along better with women and have a lot more to say in a gathering of women than in a gathering of men.

I'm incredibly jealous that you got your ears pierced.  The selection of clip-on earrings is horrible, and they hurt your ears after a while.

A few of my students know that I have painted toenails, but that's about as open as I'm being at this point.  But it is so WONDERFUL to express myself as a woman.

I applaud you Becky. Yes, i love my pierced ears and have often thought about getting more piercings. I used to have very long hair but I gave it up years ago when I received a job working for the court. Realizing and exercising the fullness of my gender is an on-going process. I was lucky to grow up doing theatre. The theatre gave many many opportunities to be different and thus be me. When I changed careers, I began to experience the gender boxes more profoundly, but I am not good conformity.