Ess/Jae (Sum)
New Member
Scheduled my endocrinology consult today. Feeling... a lot of stuff.
Posts: 1
Gender: Non-Binary
Gender: Demifluid... demiboy... Eh, JUST ME (I guess). Whatever. Fuck boxes!!!
Presentation: Androgynous
Pronouns: They/Their/Them
Orientation: Pansexual
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Ess/Jae (Sum)
Scheduled my endocrinology consult today. Feeling... a lot of stuff.
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Jun 21, 2017 2:49:05 GMT 8
June 2017
rainedropsfall
Non-Binary
Demifluid... demiboy... Eh, JUST ME (I guess). Whatever. Fuck boxes!!!
Androgynous
They/Their/Them
Pansexual
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Post by Ess/Jae (Sum) on Feb 19, 2018 4:44:00 GMT 8
Hallo All!
I'm Ess/Jae (or Sum). I go by they/them pronouns and identify as non-binary (the short explanation) / demi-fluid androgyne (the long explanation). I'm 31, pansexual, the parent of twin preschoolers. I came out as genderfluid to my partner (a cis-hetero man) this past November. That's been a trip.
I joined the forum about 8 months ago and have spent the time since then getting so caught up in anxiety, ambivalence, and self-sabotage around introducing myself that it's not-happened several times now. Or else my intros start turning into what feels like a book (and not even a very good one), then I think them into the ground and delete them. I'm thinking its about time I just get it over with.
I've read a lot of narratives from people who either had this "Aha!" moment or knew they were a (binary) boy/girl all along. But for me, its been this long experience of ambivalence - not about how I felt or thought of myself but around the basic validity of my experience / internal identity in contrast with how others see me. Throughout my life, most people have read me as being "femme-AG" or "tomboy-femme" (tomboy in a dress) or just "femme" (mainly if I happened to be dating a very masculine person). For the most part, I've vacillated between feeling like I was "supposed to be born a boy" (albeit an androgynous one) or thinking of myself as simply "androgynous" for as long as I can remember. I started considering medical transition while I was in high school. Its only been since I've sufficiently begun to overcome my self-esteem issues the past few years - finding it increasingly intolerable to continue going through my life feeling only half alive - that I've started giving myself permission to exist and insist on no less than my own / other people's basic respect for who I am.
But when I was younger the ideological climate around gender was that a person was either binary trans-masculine/feminine, cis, or politically genderqueer (i.e. queering gender roles but still basically cis). One simply was not a feminine transboi / genderfluid / demifluid / non-binary etc. A person was either cis or "legit trans" (i.e. stonebutches who "always knew they were men", "never liked dresses", "were sexually revolted by penis" , "Never wore nail polish", and certainly did not grow up idolizing David Bowie). There really wasn't a space (or name) for an afab who both 1) vacillates between feeling male <--> androgynous and 2) also feels just as asphyxiated by trying to live up to hyper masculine ideals as by being obligatorily shoe-horned into feminine ones. As such, my feelings were seen as invalid even by myself and certainly by the transmen I dated / knew who thought it was "So cute" when their "girlfirend" wanted to "do drag!". So, every time I started inching out of my closet, I would end up running back in again. But this time, I've actually explicitly told people important to me... and I'm out at my internship now... which is terrifying and really exciting.
So, now that this has turned into an f'ing memoir anyway. I think I'll leave this here and post before I second guess myself. Sorry for lurking for the past 8 months. I look forward to actually engaging with you all!
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Post by Leena on Feb 19, 2018 9:36:14 GMT 8
Welcome Ess/Jae!
Being non-binary was not really something I knew about or thought possible when I was younger either. I know the feeling of running back into the closet all too well.
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Post by Trinity on Feb 19, 2018 12:16:02 GMT 8
Hallo All! I'm Ess/Jae (or Sum). I go by they/them pronouns and identify as non-binary (the short explanation) / demi-fluid androgyne (the long explanation). I'm 31, pansexual, the parent of twin preschoolers. I came out as genderfluid to my partner (a cis-hetero man) this past November. That's been a trip. I joined the forum about 8 months ago and have spent the time since then getting so caught up in anxiety, ambivalence, and self-sabotage around introducing myself that it's not-happened several times now. Or else my intros start turning into what feels like a book (and not even a very good one), then I think them into the ground and delete them. I'm thinking its about time I just get it over with. I've read a lot of narratives from people who either had this "Aha!" moment or knew they were a (binary) boy/girl all along. But for me, its been this long experience of ambivalence - not about how I felt or thought of myself but around the basic validity of my experience / internal identity in contrast with how others see me. Throughout my life, most people have read me as being "femme-AG" or "tomboy-femme" (tomboy in a dress) or just "femme" (mainly if I happened to be dating a very masculine person). For the most part, I've vacillated between feeling like I was "supposed to be born a boy" (albeit an androgynous one) or thinking of myself as simply "androgynous" for as long as I can remember. I started considering medical transition while I was in high school. Its only been since I've sufficiently begun to overcome my self-esteem issues the past few years - finding it increasingly intolerable to continue going through my life feeling only half alive - that I've started giving myself permission to exist and insist on no less than my own / other people's basic respect for who I am. But when I was younger the ideological climate around gender was that a person was either binary trans-masculine/feminine, cis, or politically genderqueer (i.e. queering gender roles but still basically cis). One simply was not a feminine transboi / genderfluid / demifluid / non-binary etc. A person was either cis or "legit trans" (i.e. stonebutches who " always knew they were men", "never liked dresses", "were sexually revolted by penis" , "Never wore nail polish", and certainly did not grow up idolizing David Bowie). There really wasn't a space (or name) for an afab who both 1) vacillates between feeling male <--> androgynous and 2) also feels just as asphyxiated by trying to live up to hyper masculine ideals as by being obligatorily shoe-horned into feminine ones. As such, my feelings were seen as invalid even by myself and certainly by the transmen I dated / knew who thought it was "So cute" when their "girlfirend" wanted to "do drag!". So, every time I started inching out of my closet, I would end up running back in again. But this time, I've actually explicitly told people important to me... and I'm out at my internship now... which is terrifying and really exciting. So, now that this has turned into an f'ing memoir anyway. I think I'll leave this here and post before I second guess myself. Sorry for lurking for the past 8 months. I look forward to actually engaging with you all! Hey there and welcome! So glad you broke the ice with us, and yeah, its funny how people get stuck in the lineal thing, the old trans narratives, etc etc etc. That's how we got here, blowing out the narratives, living free. I really like that post. Because its about your truth and having that truth respected. Thats extremely cool. Keep posting!!
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Post by EchelonHunt on Feb 19, 2018 23:32:20 GMT 8
Hi there!
Ugh, I'm so sorry you've dealt with people who see the world and other people in such black and white labels.
Non-binary is the grey among the black and white. You're free to do whatever you like, that first step out of the closet is always scary but it's worth it.
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Androgynous
In private, feminine
They/Their/Them
(she/her/hers in safe spaces)
Queer
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Post by Becky on Mar 28, 2018 7:51:28 GMT 8
Hi Ess/Jae!
I'm so happy I read your introduction. It's wonderful to read the comments of a non-binary person who is married and raising kids. I myself am the father of a 5-year-old boy, with a spouse who tolerates at least a small bit of androgyny with my mannerisms and gender expression. I'm only fully out here on the forum, however.
Here in Kentucky, gender roles are old-fashioned and hammered into one's consciousness. Many of my neighbors would be horrified to learn that there's anything outside of male and female, in terms of anatomy, expression or gender roles. It's hard enough to figure out my own concept of who I am, without the outside world making things even harder.
I look forward to reading more of your comments here on the forum, and I am sure to be making plenty of my own.
Cheers, Rebecca
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Petri
Junior Member
Posts: 92
Gender: Non-Binary
Presentation: Female
Pronouns: They/Their/Them
Orientation: Pansexual
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petri
Non-Binary
Female
They/Their/Them
Pansexual
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Post by Petri on Mar 28, 2018 23:44:49 GMT 8
Hello! I also found it scary to post something at first (still do but it gets better and Im very new here). Very brave of you to finally do it ^^ Welcome!
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NB / Demimale
Soft Masculine
They/Their/Them
He/Him/His
Queer
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Post by Von on Mar 29, 2018 0:59:09 GMT 8
Grats on coming in to post! It can be intimidating. I watched for a few days before diving in, myself. Hope you'll find the posts and people here helpful. Sorry to hear you've had a hard time being taken seriously. I went through that with my current boyfriend for months before he was able to settle the heck down and just accept me. Welcome, and enjoy your time here. You can be whoever you want to - it's safe here.
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