Could I get some advice?

[Extremely Lost]

Hi there.
So I'm AFAB, and have been identifying as a trans guy for the past 4-5 years. I've been on testosterone for the past 9 months, approximately, and all of my friends call me my preferred name and he/him pronouns. 
My parents have always hated that I was trans. Like, did not buy it for a second, told me I was confused, that they just *knew* that I was really a girl, etc etc etc. Four or five years of this, and I wasn't ever going to let them be right, just because they were so damn mean about it (and because I'm a stubborn ass). I legally changed my name, obviously started T, and kinda just told myself over and over that this was the right thing and that I was happy about it. 
To add another layer to this, every so often before I started T, I would go back to using my birth name and female pronouns for a bit in an attempt to "get right with God" or maybe make my parents happy again. In doing so, I would usually also break up with my boyfriend, who is a nonbinary trans guy, because to me, being a good Christian inherently meant being straight and cisgender, or at least attempting to live that way. Naturally, all of this made me absolutely miserable, so I would inevitably go back to he/him pronouns and presenting as a guy.
So now I'm just about financially independent, I'm engaged (to the same person, bless him for putting up with me), and I'm about to start a business. Finally, I realized that I honestly don't care what my parents think about me anymore, and I've long since given up on *any* organized religion. And with this realization, I also sort of figured out:
I don't really care for being transmasc. It doesn't suit me. I like feminine clothes and aesthetics, I like "feminine" hobbies, almost all of my friends are girls. My ideal aesthetic is literally just a hipster chick surrounded by plants and cats. 
So now I'm stuck. Testosterone has been really good for my mental health (I went down from 30 to 10 mg of antidepressants and they work *better*, I have more energy and am able to hold down two jobs while still performing better than usual at school, even while writing my thesis, I've gotten back into reading for the first time since I was a kid, etc), but I don't like what it's doing to me physically anymore. I think it's basically evened out at this point (my voice hasn't gotten any lower in a few months, etc), but I really kinda want to start presenting more femininely again.
One of my friends suggested I try the genderqueer label on for size, and I'm considering it. I just haven't ever seen anyone like me-- someone who needed hormones mentally, but physically wanted to go back to their AGAB. I'm not sure what to make of it or what to do with it, or what pronouns to use, or really anything. 
Could I get some help?

[Yuki]

Feb 14, 2018 0:10:25 GMT 8 Extremely Lost said:

Hi there.
So I'm AFAB, and have been identifying as a trans guy for the past 4-5 years. I've been on testosterone for the past 9 months, approximately, and all of my friends call me my preferred name and he/him pronouns. 
My parents have always hated that I was trans. Like, did not buy it for a second, told me I was confused, that they just *knew* that I was really a girl, etc etc etc. Four or five years of this, and I wasn't ever going to let them be right, just because they were so damn mean about it (and because I'm a stubborn ass). I legally changed my name, obviously started T, and kinda just told myself over and over that this was the right thing and that I was happy about it. 
To add another layer to this, every so often before I started T, I would go back to using my birth name and female pronouns for a bit in an attempt to "get right with God" or maybe make my parents happy again. In doing so, I would usually also break up with my boyfriend, who is a nonbinary trans guy, because to me, being a good Christian inherently meant being straight and cisgender, or at least attempting to live that way. Naturally, all of this made me absolutely miserable, so I would inevitably go back to he/him pronouns and presenting as a guy.
So now I'm just about financially independent, I'm engaged (to the same person, bless him for putting up with me), and I'm about to start a business. Finally, I realized that I honestly don't care what my parents think about me anymore, and I've long since given up on *any* organized religion. And with this realization, I also sort of figured out:
I don't really care for being transmasc. It doesn't suit me. I like feminine clothes and aesthetics, I like "feminine" hobbies, almost all of my friends are girls. My ideal aesthetic is literally just a hipster chick surrounded by plants and cats. 
So now I'm stuck. Testosterone has been really good for my mental health (I went down from 30 to 10 mg of antidepressants and they work *better*, I have more energy and am able to hold down two jobs while still performing better than usual at school, even while writing my thesis, I've gotten back into reading for the first time since I was a kid, etc), but I don't like what it's doing to me physically anymore. I think it's basically evened out at this point (my voice hasn't gotten any lower in a few months, etc), but I really kinda want to start presenting more femininely again.
One of my friends suggested I try the genderqueer label on for size, and I'm considering it. I just haven't ever seen anyone like me-- someone who needed hormones mentally, but physically wanted to go back to their AGAB. I'm not sure what to make of it or what to do with it, or what pronouns to use, or really anything. 
Could I get some help?

I don't have much knowledge or experience with hormones but, bodies are weird and I would think it could just be possible that your hormones were just off somehow?I've heard stranger things.

But also, maybe your gender is fluid. Fluid doesn't necessarily mean it has to change quickly, like day to day. It could also change slowly... maybe you feel more masculine for months, and then feminine for months?

I also like a lot of feminine aesthetics, sometimes. (And masculine aesthetics other times.) I just don't ever feel like a woman. I stick with identifying as nonbinary in a general way, instead of trying too hard to figure out what my gender actually is or what it feels like. And then I like whatever I want to like, and don't let any gendered stereotypes stop me. I'm just me. Maybe you're just you.

And, I still want a mostly feminine body, also. I just want my breasts gone. But I don't want more hair, and I think I'm fine with the pitch of my voice.

Everyone's different. You don't have to fit into a gender mold. Not many people really do, anyway.

[Trinity]

I'll be sharing later on this when i have my computer.

Glad you reached out.

[EchelonHunt]

Extremely Lost, are you me? Our experiences are very similar.

I have been on Testosterone for 7 years. I needed the testosterone to alleviate my social dysphoria and my depression. It helped immensely. I began to be seen as male by society, changed my name, my birth marker, realised I was non-binary but pursue top surgery anyway as a flat chest was required, regardless of my gender identity was - my gender expression actually required a flat chest, whether I was a girl, boy, in-between, both or neither gender-wise. I had a total hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy and after this, I became severely depressed being on just T, I had desires to look feminine again, my mood was off-balance and I was also experiencing hot flushes - the last two are symptoms of surgical menopause. Going on low-dose E helped combat those symptoms and it also alleviated my dysphoria over my body masculizing further. I no longer saw a stranger in the reflection, I saw me and I was happy. I recently upped my estrogen dose to 50mg and my testosterone remains at 50mg

HRT needs fluctuate as the years go by. Many transmen opt to go off T after bottom surgery, some drop to a lower dose as they are happy with the changes thus far and there is no more masculization to occur, some prefer staying at full-transition dose as that's what suits them.

It's fine to go off T or even go on low-dose T (especially since you mention T helped your depression). You're not "less" trans if you do. You ARE trans, regardless of whether you are on T or not.

It's also fine to stay on T and present feminine. I do. A lot of other AFAB transpeople I know do so. One transguy I know actually had a really cool shirt called "Alt Masc"

Psst... It takes 1-2 years for T to even out in your system, sometimes as long as 4-5 years. Everybody is different but if you're happy with the changes thus far and don't want to masculize further, you can drop your dose so the changes come at a much slower pace while you still get the T you need to help mentally.



It was really cool, it's like saying alternative masculinity could be femininity or it could just be a different form of masculinity that isn't defined by the stereotypical masculinity that is perpetuated by society or gender roles/stereotypes.

You do you!

[Extremely Lost]

Thank you all so much for your responses <3 It's been a weird journey to figuring out that I really can be myself without fear of losing the people who matter to me. After my weird mental breakdown the other day, during which I posted this question, I ended up dressing up really femininely to go on a date with my fiance, and his reassurance that he didn't mind was really nice, even though I eventually switched back to jeans and a t-shirt. I think it'll be nice to start reassembling my collection of things that make me look the way I want to, as opposed to my current wardrobe of things that make me look the way I think I *should*.