Post by moth on Jun 22, 2017 11:16:06 GMT 8
Hi! I'm a 28 year old agender, asexual nerd. I live in a teeny-tiny remote town in northern Canada. I'm a bit on the lonely and isolated side, so I thought it'd be cool to talk to some people online and make friends/share experiences. I'm not "out" to anyone but my doctor and my parents, who I'm trying to explain things to.
As I'm sure people around here must have experienced, it sucks being (consistently, unavoidably, eternally) seen as something you're not by everyone around you. I'm trying to change my appearance and transition gradually. I don't know how open-minded people will be where I live, but I've heard of someone who identifies as Two-Spirit in this town, so that seems encouraging!
I figure I should share my story. As a kid, I didn't have a problem with being a "girl" and didn't really think about gender at all because I didn't feel any restrictions. I had male and female friends, did male and female things, etc. My parents had no issues with buying me action figures or letting me wear what I wanted or follow whatever interests I had. It didn't bother them that I followed Dad around and wanted to help with his work and was obsessed with his power tools same as it didn't bother them that my brother followed Mom around and was interested in baking. I was a pretty lucky kid.
Uuuuunfortunately puberty hit and everything went to hell and I plummeted into depression for several reasons. First off, my body was changing into something that felt completely wrong. Secondly, everyone treated me DIFFERENTLY. I was expected, all of a sudden, to follow all of these strict, unwritten rules about femininity. I couldn't act the part, and was bullied pretty badly as a consequence. I looked at my female friends, how they had changed as teenagers--it was like they had become entirely different people with entirely different interests. (They dropped me like a hot rock). And I KNEW, deep-down, there was something wrong with me because I was disturbed by and detached from my own body. There was something wrong with me because I'd never wanted to kiss anyone. I didn't have answers for any of this, so I shoved it all aside, stopped all social interaction and instead focused entirely on schoolwork.
In university I learned about asexuality while browsing online, and that was a massive relief to know that I wasn't some kind of broken freak. I figured that asexuality explained it all: my lack of sexual attraction to others and the revulsion felt toward my own body.
Today, as an adult with a job, house, car, bills, etc.--Only now, only recently did I figure out that I'm non-binary. Asexuality was throwing me off because it SEEMED to explain everything. But it didn't explain why I felt like crawling out of my skin when being called "ma'am", "miss" or "lady". It didn't explain why I was comfortable in a mixed-gender crowd but in a group of only women I had the distinct feeling I didn't belong.
The "Aha" moment, for me, happened after a girls' night my coworker held. Being at this gathering made me feel so lost and miserable that I made the excuse that I was sick and needed to go to bed early. Back at my house, while changing, I glimpsed the mirror out of the corner of my eye. I thought, "That doesn't even look like me. That doesn't look like who I am. It's no wonder they act like I'm female when I look like-----WAIT." And that was the moment. It was a terrifying moment and yet at the same time a WHOLE LOTTA THINGS clicked into place.
So here I am now, still trying to figure things out, but hoping to talk with people and learn more.
I'm looking forward to making some friends, too. I'm a big nerd who loves fantasy and science fiction books, movies and comics. I love Dungeons & Dragons, manga, anime and cartoons as well. I like to draw, paint and write. Also camping, snowshoeing, snowmobiling, hiking and canoeing.
Thanks so much for reading! (Haha, there was a lot...really, thank you for bearing with me)
As I'm sure people around here must have experienced, it sucks being (consistently, unavoidably, eternally) seen as something you're not by everyone around you. I'm trying to change my appearance and transition gradually. I don't know how open-minded people will be where I live, but I've heard of someone who identifies as Two-Spirit in this town, so that seems encouraging!
I figure I should share my story. As a kid, I didn't have a problem with being a "girl" and didn't really think about gender at all because I didn't feel any restrictions. I had male and female friends, did male and female things, etc. My parents had no issues with buying me action figures or letting me wear what I wanted or follow whatever interests I had. It didn't bother them that I followed Dad around and wanted to help with his work and was obsessed with his power tools same as it didn't bother them that my brother followed Mom around and was interested in baking. I was a pretty lucky kid.
Uuuuunfortunately puberty hit and everything went to hell and I plummeted into depression for several reasons. First off, my body was changing into something that felt completely wrong. Secondly, everyone treated me DIFFERENTLY. I was expected, all of a sudden, to follow all of these strict, unwritten rules about femininity. I couldn't act the part, and was bullied pretty badly as a consequence. I looked at my female friends, how they had changed as teenagers--it was like they had become entirely different people with entirely different interests. (They dropped me like a hot rock). And I KNEW, deep-down, there was something wrong with me because I was disturbed by and detached from my own body. There was something wrong with me because I'd never wanted to kiss anyone. I didn't have answers for any of this, so I shoved it all aside, stopped all social interaction and instead focused entirely on schoolwork.
In university I learned about asexuality while browsing online, and that was a massive relief to know that I wasn't some kind of broken freak. I figured that asexuality explained it all: my lack of sexual attraction to others and the revulsion felt toward my own body.
Today, as an adult with a job, house, car, bills, etc.--Only now, only recently did I figure out that I'm non-binary. Asexuality was throwing me off because it SEEMED to explain everything. But it didn't explain why I felt like crawling out of my skin when being called "ma'am", "miss" or "lady". It didn't explain why I was comfortable in a mixed-gender crowd but in a group of only women I had the distinct feeling I didn't belong.
The "Aha" moment, for me, happened after a girls' night my coworker held. Being at this gathering made me feel so lost and miserable that I made the excuse that I was sick and needed to go to bed early. Back at my house, while changing, I glimpsed the mirror out of the corner of my eye. I thought, "That doesn't even look like me. That doesn't look like who I am. It's no wonder they act like I'm female when I look like-----WAIT." And that was the moment. It was a terrifying moment and yet at the same time a WHOLE LOTTA THINGS clicked into place.
So here I am now, still trying to figure things out, but hoping to talk with people and learn more.
I'm looking forward to making some friends, too. I'm a big nerd who loves fantasy and science fiction books, movies and comics. I love Dungeons & Dragons, manga, anime and cartoons as well. I like to draw, paint and write. Also camping, snowshoeing, snowmobiling, hiking and canoeing.
Thanks so much for reading! (Haha, there was a lot...really, thank you for bearing with me)
