genderqueer seeking support and friends

[megan/mark]

Ok so I'm not sure how to start this. I have female parts but on my male days I'm mark and wish I had a penis and no boobs. Well I never knew there was a term for what I am. Calling myself genderqueer is so weird. Everyone thought /thinks I'm a tomboy on my non girly days but really I'm mark. I dress like a guy, my voice is lower, I don't feel like I have a vagina only a numb smooth space there. Mark has a more manly personality, loves metal and rock and is a lower key person and loves the outdoors. My breasts feel so unnatural and it's weird because I have a 10 month/ almost 11 month old I breast feed and pump for. I also have a 2 year old. On these days I want a penis not a vagina. But on the other hand on my girly days I'm megan my birth name and sex. I love my vagina and boobs on these days and love being a girl. Megan is very bubbly and has an energetic personality. Megan loves being at home, cleaning and taking care of the kids. I have thought of surgery but I'm both genders so it doesn't work for me. On my mark days I wish people would call me my name (mark) but I have never told anyone who I really am except my girlfriend. She knows who I really am. Both megan and mark. She's supportive of me being megan and mark but doesn't like the name mark only megan. I love her but I wish she would call me mark when I'm mark and not megan. I just recently came out as gay, I love females but only butch. It was a very hard process dealing with coming out and being my true me. I have know I was gay since I was little but I fought it till now. I'm 23 and it's taken me this long but I am very happy. But the thing is when I'm mark I don't feel gay. I feel I'm straight because I like girls when I'm mark but when I'm megan I'm gay. I'm so confused. Does anyone else feel this way? Tell me I'm not alone.

[EchelonHunt]

Hi Megan/Mark!

Welcome to Non-Binary & Genderqueer Support Forum!

If I may be honest, it sounds like you might be bigender. (it's entirely possible to be both genderqueer and bigender!)

"Bigender is a gender identity which can be literally translated as 'two genders' or 'double gender'. Bigender people experience exactly two gender identities, either simultaneously or varying between the two. These two gender identities could be male and female, but could also include non-binary identities."

Honestly, I'm thinking I might be bigender too. I feel a very distinct masculine male and tomgirl energy within me.

In your case, your gender identities are male and female. Your sexual orientation is gynephilic (being attracted to women), so when you are Mark, you are straight, when you are Megan, you are gay - either way, you are gynephilic, you both share an attraction to women

Is your girlfriend gay as well? If she is, she may feel her lesbian status in a relationship with you is threatened when you ask her to call you Mark. She may not want the relationship to be seen as heterosexual and she may not be attracted to men.

It's very good that she is supportive of you, though!

You can buy a chest binder to give yourself a flat chest (when you are completely done breast-feeding, of course) and there are cheap packers you can buy to put in your underwear or if you want, there are what's called "pack-n-play" prosthetics, you can bend the penis from flaccid to erect. You can also experiment with make-up to give a masculine contour, maybe your girlfriend would be more than happy to show you and experiment with you.

You're aren't alone

Kind regards,
Jacey

[Taka]

Welcome Mark Megan!

you're definitely not the only one who's confused. i think most of us on here have had a hard time defining ourselves in a way that works in everyday life.

some people are truly bigender. others find that, they had just developed an attachment to what they already knew. whether that's tye gender theyis were raised as, or the body parts they've used their entire life.

neither one is more right or wrong, it's just how different people are. i find it as natural as liking horror flicks one day while preferring comedy the next.

it's not something that's necessary to figure out. taking each day as it comes would make you much happier, though it's always nicer when those close to you manage to keep up with you.

at least it's nothing to stress out about. you're not sick, you're just you. and a wuite normal kind of person if you ask the right people.

who'd ever want to be stuck as one gender for the rest of their life anyway. like if you're gothic as a teen, you have to keep that style for the rest of your life...?

[megan/mark]

Thank u! Ugh makes me feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. My girlfriend thinks she's pansexual and is butch. She's also confused on who she is and is figuring out her stuff witch I support. Being honest with myself has put life into so much perspective. My gf is "gay" prefers girls but she's more with personality then sex. Prefers girls more than guys. Idk it's weird for us both with both of our situations. When I'm mark I want to use our strap-on on her witch is only used on me currently. We tryed on her while it was off but it's 2 big. I also don't like how big it is. I'm going to get one smaller but I don't like how real it is when it's used on me (megan) But I want to wear a real looking one with her like it's mine (mark)

[EchelonHunt]

Sounds like you two can go shopping! You can find a smaller one that is non-realistic for Megan and a smaller realistic one for Mark

That way, you can both be happy

[Megan | Mark]

I just don't understand why I'm like this. I can feel myself going into my mark persona/self. Freaks me out. I feel I'm crazy. -megan

I'm having to pump at work and it feels so unnatural. I can't stand these things on me. Would that band thing make me feel somewhat normal? I feel like a freak. This isn't my body. I shouldn't have boobs or a vagina or that girly shit. Ugh I'm so frustrated with my body.-mark

[Megan | Mark]

I will have to talk to her about it. She's coming over tomorrow to hangout. I may see if she wants to stop by after work tonight. Anyone know a good store to go to for the strap ons? I don't have alot of money so gotta find something affordable

[Taka]

i've no idea where to go shopping.

but i do understand that crazy feeling of duality. you'll only work it out when you accept the possibility of both being equally good as only one or neither.

it helped me a lot to vary my clothing style, and have an online outlet for the guy side. and it wasn't a transgender forum that helped me most in balancing things, but rather one that existed for a completely different purpose.

it's really funny to think about how being treated as fully male in one place and fully female in another ended up making me less anxious, and more balanced. after a while, i stopped giving as many fucks about how other people saw me, and found a hairstyle that works for me regardless of my gender of the day.

i'm slowly turning into more of a guy now, endocrinologically, but that doesn't mean i'll completely let go of my female identity.

there really isn't as much opposition between the two as society has made it out to be.

instead of getting infuriated when i'm disregarded just because i'm female, nowadays i'll just think what a complete idiot that person is.

lots actually changed with hormone treatment too. i'm generally less anxious or moody. not necessarily the solution for you, though it does sound like a breast reduction might make a difference.

[Trinity]

No you are not alone.

Welcome to the forum.

I had a different experience but can also understand it. My gender felt split, eventually it merged into one whole.

Your amswers will come.

My

[Taka]

that feeling of being split isn't good even to bigender people.

it's possible that the two gender identities never merge, but it's still important to one's well-being to find the common ground between the genders, as that's the person you really are regardless of how you feel from day to day. the outward expression may change a lot, but there will always be something that never changes, and that's the core of you that everything is built upon.

the way you perceive your own gender may also change over time, but that's not something you need to stress out about right now. taking one day at a time will always work better. you can compare it with considering whether or not you want cake. that's something you decide when the time comes, and the answer will change. it doesn't make you a person who hates or loves cakes however. it's jut what you feel like at the time, and that's alright.

[Trinity]

Read through the older threads.

My blog has some things in it too about gendersplit.

I had that badly, and my genders fought each other for dominance. It produced mind breaking dysphoria at the time.

It took a long time for my gender to stabilize, and for me to become who I am, the androgyne, the blend.

For me it physically it wasn't like that, I always had accute gender dysphoria physically and sexually.

But in terms of the core self, that is another story, and that fought itself. There are a million reasons why, and I had to write extensively to get that out.

So I think I would encourage you to write your feelings, and see how it goes. And where we can, we will help you.

Don't fight it, its more like sailing, as you go through it, learn how to dial in the wind.

I am Trinity, because that is what my gender is. And it became one, yet, has different aspects of gender. A real trinity.

I worked very hard to find myself, and now, I live it, and I love it.

Trinity.

[Leena]

Hi Megan/Mark!

You are not alone. I gendersplit also. I haven't exactly merged after working on it for years. It doesn't usually bother me like it used to though. I think I will always be like this. Even if most of my days are girl days, there's some situations and moments I'm more than OK with being a guy.

I agree that finding as much common ground as possible between my male side and female side helps. For me, a big part of this is I just present slightly more masculine or feminine if that's how I'm feeling when I get dressed, and keep an overall androgyny to my appearance either way.