On dealing with cis people

[Deleted]

I see many brothers and sisters (and everyone in between) behaving embarrassingly juvenile in the face of bigotry or simple misgendering, and it highly upsets me. As for me, being a trans person whose social justice views are not the usual makes for even more ostracizing when I don't align with their negativity. Sorry, I believe in love and patience. Being a self-absorbed, self-righteous bitch is no way to gain respect or inclusion. Some people you can’t help, and some just need a better understanding of the dynamics of the transsexual and gender-fluid world. You can’t expect everyone to actively educate themselves. Sometimes you need to give them a nudge. Educating them on these matters should not be a problem; it should be an honor.

I know that all of us here are not belligerent like that. We're a community of maturity, and I love you all.

[Deleted]

Mar 18, 2015 6:19:32 GMT 8 @julieblair said:

You're sweet, but education is work, and being a bitch is something learned at my mother's knee. But I do happen to agree with you.

Education is work, and I'm happy to do it. We can't expect everything to just fall in line without doing our part. "Faith without action is useless."

[Deleted]

Of course, none of should HAVE to be faced with this nonsense, but it is what it is.

[Deleted]

I posted this in the TransCommunity subReddit, and someone responded with, "Do you feel better now?"

*sigh* Well, thanks for proving my point!

[Laura J]

I've helped educate several CIS peeps recently. Probably more than I really am aware of.

There's a lady cop I'm friends with, who I've shared things with.

Much is educate from example, like I've gotten smiles from people who notice me presenting a little more feminine, I think it makes people think?, and question themselves sometimes..
There was a guy at the gas station yesterday though, I had to swipe my debt card right in front of him on the counter, and I had cool nails yesterday, and he had the vilest look of hatred about him, I thought he was going to go off for a second, but glad it stayed quiet.

I think in a lot of ways the best way we educate others is by example, and being our true selves..
I'm learning that more and more each day..

[Deleted]

I posted this on Reddit. Look at the comments. Someone even said I made a "misogynistic slur" against other trans women. I certainly didn't intend to write anything like that, and I just don't see it. What the hell is wrong with people?

www.reddit.com/r/TransCommunity/comments/2zeim4/on_dealing_with_cis_people/

[Deleted]

It's apparently perfectly okay for bigoted slurs to be made against intolerant or ignorant cis people, but when I point it out they try to turn it around on me as if I'm the asshole.

[bhhfmm]

I learned from my dad that calling out misgendering is sometimes counter productive. He said it felt like I was attacking him for making mistakes. And dealing with the public, especially regular customers, I learned to just let them be but let them know with a facial expression or body language that lets them know it hurt me without verbally calling them out. They seemed to respond better to that and it didn't make them feel like I was attacking them, instead, they generally realized it was them making me feel bad and so generally, they actually tried to do better.

I have never liked the way so many in the lgbt would verbally attack people that didn't agree with them. Its stupid to me to throw more hate at hateful remarks or behavior. Giving someone else the same bad behavior and attitude that they started, albeit possibly wrongly, your own poor behavior towards them can actually make them feel justified in continuing to mistreat you. Its like a vicious circle, the poor behavior and attitude has to be stopped, not simply reflected back.

[Deleted]

Sometimes its not so much about educating people but letting them get acclimatized to us. Most people their whole understanding of trans is what they see on TV, in movies and through the porn idustry.

So I never worry too much about what pronouns someone uses toward me as long as it's not meant maliciously.Oh yeah in a perfect world but the world and damn sure society isn't anywhere near perfect. But the more the become acllimated to the whole trans thing and we are portrayed in a positive light then they will be a little more considerate? ight now most people are pretty ignorant to trans issues, using ignorance not as a derogative term, because they are not trans. Chances are they don;t know anyone that is trans and are usually working on thier own lives. So the more they interact with Trans people or see them in a positive light on TV then the more simpethetic they should become. But you will always have idiots though

[bhhfmm]

Mar 18, 2015 23:38:15 GMT 8 @julieblair said:

Mar 18, 2015 23:07:52 GMT 8 bhhfmm said:

I learned from my dad that calling out misgendering is sometimes counter productive. He said it felt like I was attacking him for making mistakes. And dealing with the public, especially regular customers, I learned to just let them be but let them know with a facial expression or body language that lets them know it hurt me without verbally calling them out. They seemed to respond better to that and it didn't make them feel like I was attacking them, instead, they generally realized it was them making me feel bad and so generally, they actually tried to do better.

I have never liked the way so many in the lgbt would verbally attack people that didn't agree with them. Its stupid to me to throw more hate at hateful remarks or behavior. Giving someone else the same bad behavior and attitude that they started, albeit possibly wrongly, your own poor behavior towards them can actually make them feel justified in continuing to mistreat you. Its like a vicious circle, the poor behavior and attitude has to be stopped, not simply reflected back.

Spot on!  Enlightenment is usually of the educational variety.  I think that kindness and tolerance must be our watch words.  If I do not assume that being misgendered is a means of passive aggressive insult then I am not threatened and easily forgive.  If the intention is to demean me then I will insist that the pronoun be corrected, but I am never vitriolic.

For me the line is crossed when the conversation turns to sin, or is transphobic in some other way.  Then Julie puts on her indignant hat and the conversation becomes pointed and focussed.  I am not militant though, it is discomforting to me when folks are looking for a slight that must be corrected, and done loudly and publicly.  That's not educating, it's picking a fight.

I am almost never misgendered except by people who know me well and have known me for a long time.  I think that you handle it perfectly.  I usually just stop, and smile.  Friends and family have decades of "knowing" to unlearn and I am sympathetic.

BTW, I cannot imagine anyone misgendering you.  I should be so feminine.

Fair Winds,
Julie

The misgendering I've gotten was pretty much exclusively by those that knew me or knew of me due to someone telling them. Lots of gossip in very small towns.

[Deleted]

Mar 18, 2015 23:07:52 GMT 8 bhhfmm said:

I learned from my dad that calling out misgendering is sometimes counter productive. He said it felt like I was attacking him for making mistakes. And dealing with the public, especially regular customers, I learned to just let them be but let them know with a facial expression or body language that lets them know it hurt me without verbally calling them out. They seemed to respond better to that and it didn't make them feel like I was attacking them, instead, they generally realized it was them making me feel bad and so generally, they actually tried to do better.

I have never liked the way so many in the lgbt would verbally attack people that didn't agree with them. Its stupid to me to throw more hate at hateful remarks or behavior. Giving someone else the same bad behavior and attitude that they started, albeit possibly wrongly, your own poor behavior towards them can actually make them feel justified in continuing to mistreat you. Its like a vicious circle, the poor behavior and attitude has to be stopped, not simply reflected back.

Out of the mouth of a real babe comes wisdom, here's just another reason you score with me big time Jaime! If we can't use looks and body language to our advantage to silently get a point across then we are missing out of one of the finer points that is used with great success by most women who were socialized female growing up in the so-called man's world.

[Deleted]

Mar 19, 2015 2:07:24 GMT 8 @julieblair said:

Lots of gossip in big ones too.  

No matter where you live Iluuminess, Gossip is always about loose tounges. But for me those tounges were true though.   I didn't care. Let 'em talk. Actually it go me more dates than not. Even in secrecy or out of town on a road trip. I would have went to my prom in a prom dress if it wasn't a partial gig for us. But I did go to other's proms as a date all in a prom dress and decked out to the max with ahir and makeup.

At my prom we were badboys. As a date at other's proms I was the bad girl.