Daring the matrix

[Iona]

Here seems like as good a place as any to share these unformed and not necessarily helpful thoughts... Thanks to an awesome and understanding wife I have been fortunate enough to be able to express myself in ways that feel comfortable at home - I'm letting down my guard in ways that feel truly liberating. But I realise that I'm somewhat dependent on this clothing to be myself. I'm still acting the part - hiding myself - everywhere else, in my other clothing, my other guise. So I'm not sure just now for me it's necessarily dressing, obviously presenting, in ways that feel comfortable to me that's most important, but letting down my guard, bit by bit, growing into myself, wherever I can. Learning to grow comfortable in my skin, however I'm attired. I guess I still need that guard to some extent - it's there for reason - but I'll see how it goes.

[Ativan Prescribed]

When I first bought clothes for myself that I wanted for wearing in private, they tended to be somewhat overboard.
It made me uncomfortable because it was not really me, but at the same time they were fun to wear.
The usual day to day clothes has gone through a bunch of transformations, I've settled on a very basic approach that just feels the best, my normal.
I took a lot of years to refine it all, I tried out a lot of things that I thought I would want but in the end it was a no, hardly ever wear.
But then there is the just for fun stuff and it's not a day to day thing, I really like my plaid schoolgirl skirt and stockings, just something about it, it's a happy thing but only lasts a couple hours at best.
A long skirt, floor length, anything on top, T shirt and kimono robe, the long kind, it's just the usual lounging around feeling comfortable as hell, I think it might be here for a long time, but you just never know.
It's a really difficult thing to do, making the right choices in private is hard enough, the out and about styles I have moved away from myself, small town living...
But the things that you might want to wear and the things that your are actually comfortable in can be two very different things, finding that comfortable for you is a necessary thing.
If you feel comfortable, that gives you that air look of this is me and don't bother asking, and you can pull off the confidence levels so much easier.
If you feel like it makes people stare, then it might be good for you, but not out and about, feeling self conscious is the usual until you get used to different articles of clothing, that shows to other people, they can see that if they look.
So it's just a trial and error thing, thinking it through is one thing, doing it is another, just trying to find that comfortable fit for yourself isn't going to happen with others fashion advice, you aren't going for fashion, you want confidence in your choices.
I personally have just gotten to the point of thinking of my out and about look as the uniform others want me to wear and I honestly don't give a crap when I am out, I always look exactly the same, it is the uniform.
but in private, its a totally different attitude, it's just the automatic to change into what I want to wear and when I go out I put on the uniform, life is easy for me this way, I'm too old to bother with society that doesn't know what it wants.

[Leena]

Jun 22, 2019 10:38:18 GMT 8 Iona said:

Here seems like as good a place as any to share these unformed and not necessarily helpful thoughts... Thanks to an awesome and understanding wife I have been fortunate enough to be able to express myself in ways that feel comfortable at home - I'm letting down my guard in ways that feel truly liberating. But I realise that I'm somewhat dependent on this clothing to be myself. I'm still acting the part - hiding myself - everywhere else, in my other clothing, my other guise. So I'm not sure just now for me it's necessarily dressing, obviously presenting, in ways that feel comfortable to me that's most important, but letting down my guard, bit by bit, growing into myself, wherever I can. Learning to grow comfortable in my skin, however I'm attired. I guess I still need that guard to some extent - it's there for reason - but I'll see how it goes.

While it would be great to be able to just feel like myself and dress like I am a guy, that just didn't work for me. It's not like I didn't try it...

Thanks for bumping this thread, so much has changed since I posted in it, and yet what I posted really has not that much.

[Trinity]

Jun 22, 2019 10:38:18 GMT 8 Iona said:

Here seems like as good a place as any to share these unformed and not necessarily helpful thoughts... Thanks to an awesome and understanding wife I have been fortunate enough to be able to express myself in ways that feel comfortable at home - I'm letting down my guard in ways that feel truly liberating. But I realise that I'm somewhat dependent on this clothing to be myself. I'm still acting the part - hiding myself - everywhere else, in my other clothing, my other guise. So I'm not sure just now for me it's necessarily dressing, obviously presenting, in ways that feel comfortable to me that's most important, but letting down my guard, bit by bit, growing into myself, wherever I can. Learning to grow comfortable in my skin, however I'm attired. I guess I still need that guard to some extent - it's there for reason - but I'll see how it goes.

Old thread but a good one.

Letting the guard down, or really, letting the you out and keeping your guard up - being aware of what is going on - is a big thing in all of this, isn't it?

It is for me, I am quite guarded on the street and slide as far into stealth as possible.  But as someone that has multiple gender expressions and ways that they come out, for me its pretty easy to be any and all things whenever I like.

But there are times when I really need to drop to female stealth and live it and enjoy it.  But I make sure I am in safe spaces to do that, and usually have someone with me, protection kind of thing.

Its huge to be able to open up with a spouse, and be accepted.  Absolutley enormously huge.  

I don't think a whole lot of us get to do that.

[Becky]

Unfortunately, it's pretty much stealth for me all the time, even at home.

In very small ways, I hint at androgyny. Plucked eyebrows, shaved legs and chest, and toenails painted a vivid color. The toenails get the strongest response when I'm brave enough to show them to the world. The pushback I get reminds me of how gender norms have really been drilled into people's heads.

And, even at home, my wife drew the line when I mentioned dresses and skirts. Being male to female trans just really sucks sometimes.

I'm thinking more and more towards the next Pride Fest in my town (this October). I'm thinking of sporting at least a little makeup and perhaps painting my fingernails. It will be a slightly safer environment, so I'd like to see how folks respond.

[Trinity]

Jun 24, 2019 13:22:24 GMT 8 Becky said:

Unfortunately, it's pretty much stealth for me all the time, even at home.

In very small ways, I hint at androgyny. Plucked eyebrows, shaved legs and chest, and toenails painted a vivid color. The toenails get the strongest response when I'm brave enough to show them to the world. The pushback I get reminds me of how gender norms have really been drilled into people's heads.

And, even at home, my wife drew the line when I mentioned dresses and skirts. Being male to female trans just really sucks sometimes.

I'm thinking more and more towards the next Pride Fest in my town (this October). I'm thinking of sporting at least a little makeup and perhaps painting my fingernails. It will be a slightly safer environment, so I'd like to see how folks respond.

Its not a simple thing is it.

This is why "the plan" utterly fails us.  It is a headlong rush into disaster for many.

Each step and decision appears to require communication, wisdom, and for those of faith, deep prayer and understanding.

It can break us but it is survivable and is an individual path yhat can eventually lead to peace and happiness.

Day at a time.