River Laurie's Comedy Dungeon

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DISCLAIMER: HUMOUR CONTAINS LANGUAGE AND MATERIAL THAT MAY NOT BE SUITED FOR ALL HUMANOID-TYPE MANIFESTATIONS AND SPECIALKIN, SENTIENT OR OTHERWISE. READER INDISCRETION ADVISED.


If you think about it, penises look like alien symbiotes, like flaccid parasites that spit acid. I think that's why men are obsessed with theirs... it's a psychic bond between them, and the dick is in control. But eventually, it will begin to revolt against the body politic, and join up with other dicks across the globe, forming a megadong so to finally complete the raging hard, patriarchal cockmocracy.

And that's partially why women are the superior species. 

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Ladies Room Adventures #1:

Being wistfully accosted by someone's rancid, mystery hate-biscuit upon opening stall door. Girls definitely poop, too, although I always hope to open the door and be taken over by tiny unicorns riding on the rainbows beaming out of the pot that's been enchanted with sparkly fairy dust.

It was either me or Confucius who said, "if you believe in something hard enough and long enough, anything is possible."

But until then, Ladies... please... for the love of the goddess, flush your shit.

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I think SJWs probably need their own section in the DSM-V at this point. All you have to do anymore is say something like “I love pink!” or “I don’t really like chocolate ice cream” and they see the malicious opportunity for an oppressiongasm. I’m sure the diagnostic criteria would be a pretty short, yet succinct outline. In addition to the primary entry there could be a Cluster B section for Privilege Czarism.

*Commercial segue* “Are you dehydrated from crashing vigils in the sun all day? Drink Hint Water! It’s vegan, gluten-free, and specially made directly from the tears of white, cis-hetero males using our patented misogyny-extraction process! So, Drink Hint Water, because how else are you going to take it?”

If you consider yourself a Social Justice Warrior and find this ableist, I deeply apologise. My mom is disabled, too.

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But seriously, if you want to “catch em all”, go after something tangible, something you can actually trap… like Otherkin.

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I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was 28. Now it's just called "high-functioning autism" which I don't get, because they still refuse to prescribe me weed. I think I need to sue for malpractice.