Post by FaerieKim on Mar 20, 2016 6:18:34 GMT 8
I've always assumed I'd never need to physically transition because I don't feel any discomfort or dislike towards my genitals.
But the other day I was in high spirits and caught myself jokingly referring to "my pussy" (I was by myself. I often talk to myself when I'm alone). "I don't have a pussy" I thought. Then I thought "yes I do, it's just not a physical pussy". Then I wondered "would I like to have a pussy?"
This was a different line of enquiry to my usual questions about how I feel about my physical body, because it's not about getting rid of or changing anything, it's simply a question of what I would feel about having a female body part.
I concluded that I would quite like to have a pussy. I'm just not sure I'd want to go through the rigmarole of surgery or get rid of what I do have. I thought that in an ideal, anything is possible world I would probably like to have both male and female genitals, or at least to have both for a while so that I can see what it's like having a pussy first before I make any rash decisions on whether to keep or get rid of what I was born with.
That makes sense. It's a shame that we don't live in an anything-is-possible world but in a world where it's only surgery and not "magic" that can make such things happen and you can't make labia and clitoris without destroying the penis, scrotum and testicles.
I then started to think about the rest of my body. Would I like breasts or a flat chest? Would I like male or female fat distribution? And much to my surprise, when considering this in a hypothetical, anything is possible, by magic, what you want instead of what you don't want kind of way, I concluded that I would actually rather have a big bum than a big belly and rather have small female breasts than a flat male chest (I don't want big boobs though).
It's old news that I don't like my body hair (in fact I'd go so far as to say I hate it) and that I sometimes wish my face looked more feminine in the mirror. It took a while for me to admit that this is actually a form of physical dysphoria.
And I wonder if I've been feeling physical dysphoria all along but just pushing it to the back of my mind, refusing to deal with it because... well, because things like surgery are REALLY SCARY!
I never liked my chest when I was young. I thought it was because I was skinny and weedy. Maybe it was at the time. But now I'm chubby, not skinny and I look at my male chest and I don't mind it but I don't feel connected to my male physique, if that makes sense. The ideal me would be androgynous yes, but also kind of curvy and feminine. My fat belly doesn't seem right to me. Is it just that I don't like being overweight? But if all that body fat was on my bum instead of my belly I'd feel miles better about it. My body fat distribution feels as wrong, as "not me" to me as my body hair.
And then I started thinking again about all my social dysphoria. I know there'd be things that would irritate me if I was a girl. Harrassment and unwanted advances from unattractive men for example. But although I'd be a geeky girl, leaning towards lesbian and not very good at housework I think more or less I could be the person I am and it would be fine - no one would think it's particularly weird for a girl to be that way. But as a "man", everything is a little bit faulty. I can't function sexually with women because I don't like to penetrate people and I get more turned on if my partner takes the lead and is a bit aggressively passionate with me . I don't like sport and it's amazing how many people just kind of expect men to like sport. People expect me to be more assertive than I'm comfortable being. Even in this day and age people find it unusual for a guy to be as sensitive and emotional as I am. Then there is my liking of feminine clothes, make-up etc. I just know I'd be way, way more comfortable, more able to be myself moving through the world as a female rather than a male.
So am I a trans woman after all? But I don't fit the whole "I've always thought of myself as a woman" thing. What I've always thought is that gender is a strange societal thing, with lots of unnecessary conventions and rules that I can't really relate to at all because I don't feel especially male or female on the inside, but kind of non-gendered or inbetween. But is "genderqueer" or "non-binary" just a technicality of how I think about gender, and really I would be happier living as a woman?
Why is it every time I think I've made sense of this, I ask some new questions and then get all confused again?
But the other day I was in high spirits and caught myself jokingly referring to "my pussy" (I was by myself. I often talk to myself when I'm alone). "I don't have a pussy" I thought. Then I thought "yes I do, it's just not a physical pussy". Then I wondered "would I like to have a pussy?"
This was a different line of enquiry to my usual questions about how I feel about my physical body, because it's not about getting rid of or changing anything, it's simply a question of what I would feel about having a female body part.
I concluded that I would quite like to have a pussy. I'm just not sure I'd want to go through the rigmarole of surgery or get rid of what I do have. I thought that in an ideal, anything is possible world I would probably like to have both male and female genitals, or at least to have both for a while so that I can see what it's like having a pussy first before I make any rash decisions on whether to keep or get rid of what I was born with.
That makes sense. It's a shame that we don't live in an anything-is-possible world but in a world where it's only surgery and not "magic" that can make such things happen and you can't make labia and clitoris without destroying the penis, scrotum and testicles.
I then started to think about the rest of my body. Would I like breasts or a flat chest? Would I like male or female fat distribution? And much to my surprise, when considering this in a hypothetical, anything is possible, by magic, what you want instead of what you don't want kind of way, I concluded that I would actually rather have a big bum than a big belly and rather have small female breasts than a flat male chest (I don't want big boobs though).
It's old news that I don't like my body hair (in fact I'd go so far as to say I hate it) and that I sometimes wish my face looked more feminine in the mirror. It took a while for me to admit that this is actually a form of physical dysphoria.
And I wonder if I've been feeling physical dysphoria all along but just pushing it to the back of my mind, refusing to deal with it because... well, because things like surgery are REALLY SCARY!
I never liked my chest when I was young. I thought it was because I was skinny and weedy. Maybe it was at the time. But now I'm chubby, not skinny and I look at my male chest and I don't mind it but I don't feel connected to my male physique, if that makes sense. The ideal me would be androgynous yes, but also kind of curvy and feminine. My fat belly doesn't seem right to me. Is it just that I don't like being overweight? But if all that body fat was on my bum instead of my belly I'd feel miles better about it. My body fat distribution feels as wrong, as "not me" to me as my body hair.
And then I started thinking again about all my social dysphoria. I know there'd be things that would irritate me if I was a girl. Harrassment and unwanted advances from unattractive men for example. But although I'd be a geeky girl, leaning towards lesbian and not very good at housework I think more or less I could be the person I am and it would be fine - no one would think it's particularly weird for a girl to be that way. But as a "man", everything is a little bit faulty. I can't function sexually with women because I don't like to penetrate people and I get more turned on if my partner takes the lead and is a bit aggressively passionate with me . I don't like sport and it's amazing how many people just kind of expect men to like sport. People expect me to be more assertive than I'm comfortable being. Even in this day and age people find it unusual for a guy to be as sensitive and emotional as I am. Then there is my liking of feminine clothes, make-up etc. I just know I'd be way, way more comfortable, more able to be myself moving through the world as a female rather than a male.
So am I a trans woman after all? But I don't fit the whole "I've always thought of myself as a woman" thing. What I've always thought is that gender is a strange societal thing, with lots of unnecessary conventions and rules that I can't really relate to at all because I don't feel especially male or female on the inside, but kind of non-gendered or inbetween. But is "genderqueer" or "non-binary" just a technicality of how I think about gender, and really I would be happier living as a woman?
Why is it every time I think I've made sense of this, I ask some new questions and then get all confused again?