Post by Dani on Feb 23, 2015 2:02:11 GMT 8
Dani is fairly new, she has an awareness that is still being born. Her original birth name was Danny. This person was an island by way of many converging influences, each contributing its own power to keep him trapped in a very small world. The time was the early 1950's, an era quite different than today. The place was N.W. Washington State, in a very isolated and rural community, the nearest children to interact with was a long walk away. A time of intolerance, racism, cookie cutter school curriculum, a singular religious belief that was mandatory for everyone, sports participation also mandatory. Independent thinkers were outcasts and quite possibly a threat, and if reforms did not return to community narrow minded standards, you were anti american/anti god.
My family held almost zero communication skills, so I was kept 'entirely' in the dark, about 'everything'. My father absent due to being in state prison (died there), my mother working two jobs to keep the roof over our heads, no brothers, and only one sister who being nine years older and involved with her own life, I was left to devise my own schedule. The woods being my sole companion and vice versa. I was the only Native American in my school so many felt it their duty to find the perfect and most reliable buttons to push for the most instant result, they found them in labels like "chief" etc.. I grew to have allegiance to no one.
After a succession of dysfunctional step fathers, either declaring their intention to leave and go drink himself to death (completed within a few months time), or discovery of a very different declared past (on active escape from prison in another state, being there for over 30 counts of armed bank robbery), I crawled as far inward into myself as humanly possible. I did this by having a needle in my arm at far far too young of an age. So from the mid 60's on I went so far under the radar that I ceased to exist. Emotion played no role in my life, I was cold, calculating, and probably the last person anyone would care to cross paths with. The only times I surfaced into the light of society was in those periods of incarceration, county jails and state penitentiary. I held well being for no one.
By the early 80's my mind crisped beyond recognition from meth and stints of the numbing relief of heroin, I turned completely to alcohol. This was the perfect scenerio for self destruction due to its legality and availibility, upon discovering 151 rum I found the perfect storm for not only ending my life but to do it without knowledge of anything whatsoever. The amount I found to work for this was three fifths minimum per day, and after 16 years (1996) my goal was reached, I was dying in a remote cabin in the woods. I decided to allow the deed to happen while on my bed, but once there, for some unknown reason I decided to talk. Religion having never played any role, church never attended, no other belief entertained, I had no idea with whom I was speaking to. I said: "If anyone or anything out there exists, and you can do anything with my life, then 'do it', and if you can, then I'm yours and I will remain yours until the day I die"
I awoke the next morning and did not experience 'any' detox whatsoever, that was 19 years ago and I have not used since. I am not social so 12 step is not my thing, I do my own.
After uncovering a multitude of defects and trying to figure out how to deal with them, a year and a half ago I discovered Dani. She was way way down deep, hiding, scared, fragile, and helpless. I have helped bring her (myself) to light. I like her (myself) more than anything I could possibly have imagined.
I now have feelings, I cry, I care for others, and I'm seeing through new eyes. I will NEVER allow her to be harmed. Dani
My family held almost zero communication skills, so I was kept 'entirely' in the dark, about 'everything'. My father absent due to being in state prison (died there), my mother working two jobs to keep the roof over our heads, no brothers, and only one sister who being nine years older and involved with her own life, I was left to devise my own schedule. The woods being my sole companion and vice versa. I was the only Native American in my school so many felt it their duty to find the perfect and most reliable buttons to push for the most instant result, they found them in labels like "chief" etc.. I grew to have allegiance to no one.
After a succession of dysfunctional step fathers, either declaring their intention to leave and go drink himself to death (completed within a few months time), or discovery of a very different declared past (on active escape from prison in another state, being there for over 30 counts of armed bank robbery), I crawled as far inward into myself as humanly possible. I did this by having a needle in my arm at far far too young of an age. So from the mid 60's on I went so far under the radar that I ceased to exist. Emotion played no role in my life, I was cold, calculating, and probably the last person anyone would care to cross paths with. The only times I surfaced into the light of society was in those periods of incarceration, county jails and state penitentiary. I held well being for no one.
By the early 80's my mind crisped beyond recognition from meth and stints of the numbing relief of heroin, I turned completely to alcohol. This was the perfect scenerio for self destruction due to its legality and availibility, upon discovering 151 rum I found the perfect storm for not only ending my life but to do it without knowledge of anything whatsoever. The amount I found to work for this was three fifths minimum per day, and after 16 years (1996) my goal was reached, I was dying in a remote cabin in the woods. I decided to allow the deed to happen while on my bed, but once there, for some unknown reason I decided to talk. Religion having never played any role, church never attended, no other belief entertained, I had no idea with whom I was speaking to. I said: "If anyone or anything out there exists, and you can do anything with my life, then 'do it', and if you can, then I'm yours and I will remain yours until the day I die"
I awoke the next morning and did not experience 'any' detox whatsoever, that was 19 years ago and I have not used since. I am not social so 12 step is not my thing, I do my own.
After uncovering a multitude of defects and trying to figure out how to deal with them, a year and a half ago I discovered Dani. She was way way down deep, hiding, scared, fragile, and helpless. I have helped bring her (myself) to light. I like her (myself) more than anything I could possibly have imagined.
I now have feelings, I cry, I care for others, and I'm seeing through new eyes. I will NEVER allow her to be harmed. Dani
Patty
