when did you figure out you got your body?

[Deleted]

Heading into a grocery store. I usually struggle with it.

Then I asked, why?

I have that body already, why get jealous?

Do you?

Or did you figure out you already are there, in your mind, your heart, your flesh.

Yes Ativan, when I forget I am Triune I suffer.

But when I remember I am always also Satinjoy, everywhere, as well as trinity, I do ok.

Instinct reverts to society male, to protectn Satinjoy feelings. To protect the girl or woman inside. That component of self.

But that's not healthy.

We have what they do, the girls, the boys...

How easy to forget.

Working it.

Have you realized you have your body now?

Even if it's not fully transformed?

Something to consider.

Is transition mindfulness or awareness, not necessarily dependant on the outer body appearance, certainly not on presentation.

Self perception, physically.

Time to buy the eggs, and to stop getting jealous...

Trinity Satin Joy

[Deleted]

Attachment Deleted

[Deleted]

*hugs*

Because reading this thread made me happy.

You're beautiful, Trinity.

[LivingTheDream]

Haven't gotten there yet

[Ativan Prescribed]

When you think of the components of your gender as separate, they become that.
It's that separation that is dysphoria. One component wants this another that.
They are components of you, it is fine to recognize them as that, but when you think of them as separate identities, you let one or the other have control over the rest of you, it causes internal conflicts in your thinking that comes back to you as dysphoria, the very thing you hurt from.

I read it in what you write. They don't really have separate minds or lives, that's you giving those components the ability to do that.
They all live at the same address, you. The same house, not separate 'apart'ments.

It's like naming a body part, your left arm is 'Fred' and your right arm is 'Ginger'...
And then you let one rule over and not allow the other the free will it has as a component of you.
You have one arm fighting the other for dominance, it hurts, it's dysphoria.
What if you did that to your legs? You'd be hopping half the time. Pretty tiring to go through life like that.

I wrote about feeling those very same separations and when they separated far enough, most of me was gone, a large part of awareness was missing and it was insanity.
Mindfulness is a part of that wholeness of yourself as components and how they work together.

Stop making them work against each other, they aren't supposed to do that.
It isn't that easy for binary people to even do that, when they do, they usually find out they aren't as binary as they thought.
They get all confused and worried about it until they finally figure it out and let themselves settle down and realize it's just the way they are.
You're letting parts of your own gender be bigoted towards the rest in a sense when you do that.
Bigots are the ones who refuse to believe that they have a little of this and that, and to prove they don't, they go bigotting around about it.

Your identity is the whole of you, it is made up of components, mine are 'she', 'he', and I, self. That's the wholeness.
Your body is what it is, if you want to change something, then change it, it isn't a separate identity that is causing it, that is you letting a component of self have authority over the rest of you.
It's that thinking that causes people confusion of self, of who they are.
The noise is the confusion, the internal bickering of components that are just you, who you are.

We don't get to choose this, and it can either be a problem or it can be the best thing ever once you realize the benefits of being able to think in something that is more dimensional.
They hammered and hammered on you to be binary, that you have no choice but to go down their path.
You don't, not because of your life around you, but because you instinctively know this is true. Or you are binary.
Even then, you are still going to have the male/female conflicts in the very same way, thinking of them as separations of self.

Trans dysphoria, it is that simple. It is a conflict of two or more components fighting for dominance over self.
Noise, confusion, mental agony, hurt, pain. Dysphoria.
He and she are the left and right of your gender, which is self.
You've named them and now you can't help but think in terms of them as you named them, as the identities because of something as simple as naming them.

You set yourself up for it. It's cute and all, and people do name their body parts sometimes, guys tend to use Elvis a lot for some reason that escapes me.
But once you are in the habit of thinking in terms of separate identities, they become just that and you as they, set yourself up for conflict in self.
As an example, Cynthia discovered it as a way to cope with emotions by seeing them and identifying them with names and titles. Discovered them.
She knows as self, they are her components. They help her to come together, to become whole and self.
I could be wrong, I'm not her, but I'll bet I'm not far off the mark.
On the other hand, you did that and then you actually became separate, even more so than before you had named them, as two different things.

It is why I have never named parts of me, they are components that don't require that to understand them as being parts of self, as me, the whole.
You already understand them as what they are, the components of gender.
NB isn't a disorder, it is simply who you are, self.
More than a couple components of gender.

Not trying to sound like I'm bursting your bubble here, but you did mention my name in there somewhere.
Just trying to clarify a couple points, in a few different ways.
Stop it, just stop it. Easier said than done, but not that hard to do, either.
Ativan

[Deleted]

Oh wow.

Yes.

I was reading yesterday...

I see it...

Now why would I reject trinity and want to let she run riot.

I may need a new therapist. This one helps, but usually treats binaries.

The she part wants it all and is afraid if trinity, the whole of me, gets too much control, sheewont get her needs met.

No wonder I am a mess.

More later. Your post here will help more than just me.

And you already know you can say anything to me without worry.

Nobody else seems to. It takes a special insight to see the dynamic and call it what it is.

Yup. They separate and fight. They sure do.

So, blended right now, and practicing this mindfulness thing.
Acting truthfully was hard to learn. Organic acting.

Somehow this is similar. It's not an act, a role. But the organic part, feeling your circumstances, self awareness, there is something right there, just beyond my finger tips, elusive as shadows, and I think you see it.

Trinity

[Deleted]

I want to throw this out there while I remember, then get back to work, and I will look at the other replies at lunch.

At the moment I feel fully integrated. It feels terrific...

The question for me is, fully accepting Trinity, and letting go of the she element, actually freeing her to just be part of Trin.

There is a fear that I would lose the love of those attracted to she.

Isnt that sad.

Its just a fear. it should not be there, but it is. And I'll bet its totally human to have that fear, it makes total sense that it would be there.

Why do I always make choices when there is no choice, when pain is driving me to a solution, and that solution is always good for me anyway, but I resist it. It was true of alcohol, it seems to be true of gender. I fight until I either give in, or break, and it is always to the crisis point.

I sense a breakthrough right at the door, in the now, its right in front of me. I sense that logically, intuitively, and psychically.

Here comes the roller coaster ride, or better, my new racecar.

--Trinity

[Deleted]

Sitting here at work, and I feel happy. and have for a sustained period this morning.

I don't want this feeling to ever go away

Thank you

[Deleted]

So my loves, when did it click for you, realizing you have it all...

:-)

Trin...

[Ativan Prescribed]

I was having a bad side effect from not stepping down off of a med while starting a new one in it's place.
It let my dream state run wild. I knew who I have always been, at least as far as I can remember that, but this was different.
I knew I was dreaming, I couldn't really wake up, I would for a second, but fell right back into it.
It was like everything was firing off at once, out of control and wild. it morphed into one thing right after another.
It centered around being NB. it went off on cis tangents about it, off on TS tangents about it, it always came back to the same thing.
I finally woke up and I knew without any doubts that what I had been dreaming were all the questions and doubts I ever had had settled.
It all just clicked into place so easily. I didn't want to say a thing about it, I was already in a psyche unit for trying to off myself before.
I just let it ride and had all the time I wanted to think about it. I was released from there shortly after, they told me I was good to go.
They made comments about how I had seemed to change overnight, I still didn't say a word. I went here and there, lived my life for awhile.
I did end up being in a bad way again, the depression didn't stop, but it wasn't the same either. It was situational, not like it had been.
I did end up having to go through a lot more stuff, but I knew without a doubt who I was as far as my gender was concerned.
Once I had everything in place, had finally gotten out of that system that sucks you right back in, I started to see a therapist.
My very first thing was to talk about gender and I was soon seeing another therapist, a better on, I was seeing a gender psychologist as well.
As thing went, it was all confirmed by them, but I already knew all of that, it was more for them than me, I suppose.
Got on LD HRT and it has just gotten better. But it was that wild night of dreams induced by a bad reaction to not stepping down on a med dose.
I always had questioned myself before that, had times of being at peace, but never peaceful about it. There were always questions and doubts.
That was when I knew for myself who I was, without any doubt and stopped questioning it, just had questions. It took time to find answers.
I found a lot of misinformation and took what I knew to be true and got rid of the wrong answers. It didn't take long at all to pull it together after that.
I still have questions, but I know the answers are there and they aren't those questions that have doubt in them, just things that come up.
I am far more concerned about navigating my way through life in so many other ways. Yep, that was when it happened, overnight.

[Taka]

it happened after reading too many times about people trapped in someone else's body. did some thinking, and the only conclusion i could find was that my body is my own. who cares about transition or whatever, my body is mine, and i will love it as much as it needs in order to function for me.

i can remodel my body to certain limits, but i can't change it like i change clothes.

can't remember when i realized. a few years ago probably, while thinking about how convenient it would be if i really could just move into someone else's body.