Post by Trinity on Feb 1, 2016 0:13:50 GMT 8
Fear.
I was lying in the arms of my wife, she was on top of me.
I was tense, I was trying to let go. To be who I really am. I am coming to terms with it now, the deep transition part of it, the reality of it.
LOL there was a bet on this forum I found out about as to whether I would be nonbinary or full out transsexual. They both win. I wish Shan was here now. Though I don't know who made the bet, except one of them.
But I am afraid, and every day I become more and more me. Yes socially I can be he, and am. Or she, and am. But in the arms my wife, if I can let go, I'm sorry, there is no male left. I have fully and totally transitioned. And its moving to the street now, to the home.
I thought she was a persona, like he is. I get that these are real places in my mind, real parts of my gender. I know that as a transsexual, I am more than I would be had I been born cis. I know that I am so very fortunate that I can be any gender at will on the street. It happens naturally, and I have some control over it too. Even while conscious that I am a full transition transperson. I thoroughly enjoy my guy mode. I really do.
I was so afraid of her, of being her. So afraid that she would take complete control, and she would run, that she would do the trans narrative, ending maybe with a shotgun blast or a drink as I descended into the depths of drugs and alcohol and sex. That gun is in the corner, unloaded. I would never use it though, except to defend myself or my family.
So my wife was in my loving arms and I in hers, and I am letting go. Finally accepting myself as I am, as you have seen for these years I have been desperately sharing on this forum, to face my fear of being her. And I did it, my touch was all she, my body all she, my romance all she. And I have been this way for some time, and in the last few weeks, my lifesyle, it is sh'e. I have dreamed of this moment, I wanted this moment so badly, it is finally here, 3 years into the transition process, my first shrink session exactly 3 years ago. When he said I was not a TS, because my spirit was not a girl's. I'm sorry, part of it most certainly is.
No it does not invalidate my nonbinary nature, binary trans I don't believe could live the life I live. But in this moment I am in the living room typing, and clearly mixed, and clearly very sh'e. And I must, must be h'er.
Fear. It messes with everything. It clouds my perception of who I am, creates self deception, tries to make me live a lie. Stops me from resting in my gender, stops me from daring to be me with my wife. Until now.
Are you afraid?
I was lying in the arms of my wife, she was on top of me.
I was tense, I was trying to let go. To be who I really am. I am coming to terms with it now, the deep transition part of it, the reality of it.
LOL there was a bet on this forum I found out about as to whether I would be nonbinary or full out transsexual. They both win. I wish Shan was here now. Though I don't know who made the bet, except one of them.
But I am afraid, and every day I become more and more me. Yes socially I can be he, and am. Or she, and am. But in the arms my wife, if I can let go, I'm sorry, there is no male left. I have fully and totally transitioned. And its moving to the street now, to the home.
I thought she was a persona, like he is. I get that these are real places in my mind, real parts of my gender. I know that as a transsexual, I am more than I would be had I been born cis. I know that I am so very fortunate that I can be any gender at will on the street. It happens naturally, and I have some control over it too. Even while conscious that I am a full transition transperson. I thoroughly enjoy my guy mode. I really do.
I was so afraid of her, of being her. So afraid that she would take complete control, and she would run, that she would do the trans narrative, ending maybe with a shotgun blast or a drink as I descended into the depths of drugs and alcohol and sex. That gun is in the corner, unloaded. I would never use it though, except to defend myself or my family.
So my wife was in my loving arms and I in hers, and I am letting go. Finally accepting myself as I am, as you have seen for these years I have been desperately sharing on this forum, to face my fear of being her. And I did it, my touch was all she, my body all she, my romance all she. And I have been this way for some time, and in the last few weeks, my lifesyle, it is sh'e. I have dreamed of this moment, I wanted this moment so badly, it is finally here, 3 years into the transition process, my first shrink session exactly 3 years ago. When he said I was not a TS, because my spirit was not a girl's. I'm sorry, part of it most certainly is.
No it does not invalidate my nonbinary nature, binary trans I don't believe could live the life I live. But in this moment I am in the living room typing, and clearly mixed, and clearly very sh'e. And I must, must be h'er.
Fear. It messes with everything. It clouds my perception of who I am, creates self deception, tries to make me live a lie. Stops me from resting in my gender, stops me from daring to be me with my wife. Until now.
Are you afraid?