Do you fight your body? Have you changed your vision of it?

[Trinity]

Do you fight your own body, are you afraid of letting go?

I find myself fighting my own body, it is in tiny ways.

I find myself not accepting that I am sh'e, that I revert back and see he.  Or they, but in a way that is detrimental to me, it denies sh'e.

I said I would be me, this morning, I faced the fear, and let go.  I let h'er have me.  And it was just a matter of deep breathing, letting the muscles relax.  Of looking into the mirror in the room - one wall is mirror in the tiny basement bedroom, it helps claustrophobia and I am encouraged by what I see as well - looking into the mirror and just accepting the truth.   That I am a transitioned trans person.  That my dreams have finally come true.

The bottom is the bottom, I can look at myself.  A penis to me is less scary to see than a vagina, I prefer the need to be taken vaginally, I don't know what will ever come to pass.  I have just started my path, I ran a long way when I ran away from me, from sh'e, I ran to the edge, a shadow I love stood in my headlong flight to disaster, and saved me from losing it all.  A shadow I am loyal to and who is loyal to me too, a very special warrior, no stranger to the torment of fear and anxiety. The more I learn, the more I know we are so very similar.  Its fascinating really.

But those are private things, I am simply greatful, the battle to sanity is well chronicalled in the treehouse threads and in here.

But on topic, I force myself to see.  It is perspective.  

I let go, I was me.  It is another private thing, but it became quite romantic, not sexual, but romance, as me, to the one I am forever bound to, my very dearest one.  She is learning to love me as I truly am.  Now I need to learn to love me as I truly am too, and let go and let God, fall backwards into His loving hands.

I worry I may alienate the forum, with my strong religious beliefs, but it is my truth.  I force it on nobody, but it is how I survive.  And I will permit no human person or demon of the spirit world to take away either my truth or my heritage.  Nor yours.  So I say my truth, it is for me, but it is for any that want to walk that path too.  It is entwined with my trans nature, it is a part of me, of the whole.  Not rules and condemnation, but freedom and love, a deep spring of faith, blinding white light and truth that comes from above.   Not from rules.  I am wired into Him.  I have seen the spirit world, I know the truth.  I know all to well what is out there, I follow the path made for me.

But I deviate again, sorry for this.  Part of the reason I fight my body is that those who are the rulemakers and do not understand this kind of path and walk have made it hard for me to let go.  But once I realize this, that there is nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with being sh'e, then I fall into h'er.  

It is a surrender to h'er, to me.  It is seeing the beauty in me.  It is understanding that whatever I am, I am someone that loves deeply.  And now, this morning, I let h'er, me, love physically, released as sh'e, to touch, to caress, to kiss, fully sh'e, fully me.

I was complete.  I am fullfilled and complete as me.  A fragile diamond heart of trans, another gender, a special one, as you are too, a diamond heart of trans, a special one, another gender, a flower, a beauty, a fragrant breeze on a summer day, you are a caress, a kiss, a kind hand to a hungry heart, light in the dark.

Let go and don't fight your body, even if you are cloaked in stealth, it will not show, and if it does, nobody has the right to interfere, it is your God given right to be whole, spiritually, physically, mentally, and in the lives we live.  Those who interfere with that right oppose what is right and true, but they are blind, they are deaf, just as they were two thousand years ago, when the blind and the deaf ruled the world, with hearts of stone.

Our hearts are hearts of flesh and love, diamonds in the making, diamonds from the relentless pressures outside that created them from the carbon flesh we wear, molded until it was ready to be found, to be studied, to be loved, then finally cut, polished, and held up to the light for others to see and find hope from.

Don't fight your diamond heart, your body of trans.  Breathe deeply and relax and feel yourself, and let go.

It is your heritage, your right, the beginning of your path.

Love, my darlings, yourselves, your lives, your destinies, your bodies, love the promise of trans, the promise of living your truth.

Blessings my dear ones

Trinity

[Trinity]

[Deleted]

As always - beautifully written, Trinity.

You will arrive at true acceptance soon, I'm sure... and your wife as well. The more you show your true self to her; your art, your music, your being... the more she will embrace H'er. You have such a deep bond; if she shows you that she accepts H'er, the easier it will be for you to do so too. Before you come to that place of full acceptance it's inevitable that you will sway back and forth from time to time; that is the fear speaking - don't listen to it.

I hope that our faith won't alienate anyone... it's a very sensitive subject. I think we're doing a good job keeping it in the religion threads or our private threads. The last thing I would want is to upset anyone. Plus my view on God and religion is very far from the one that the haters/idiots hold. 

I agree. Let go. Don't fight it. Deep down we can all sense the truth of who we are, it's a matter of quieting the mind and listening to our inner voice; shut everything else out; the opinions of others, the perceived conditions that need to be met to be worthy of love, etc. Then, when we have discovered our truth we have to learn to live it and love it.

[Trinity]

She pushes back, i fear that. But we are growing.

Did you fight it? When i find my self holding my breath...(often) or tense in my belly, i know i am fighting sh'e.

I would imagine its true for others here too.

They washed my hair ar t the salon. I cant believe how tense i was and how good it felt to have a massaging hair wash.

I only say my experiences to help others. Not for me...

And agree with you about staying to thevreligion section.


Trinity

[Trinity]

I think people know we walk a different path from the crowd. Nuff said here. Ssshhhhh.... ☺

[Deleted]

That's good, growing together. True partnership.

When I realized I'm trans I fought it... but somewhere along the way I learned that the only thing I could do to move forward was to accept it, fighting kept me stuck... when I started to let go of everything, who I thought I had to be, my fears regarding myself and so on... then I started to feel comfortable with myself. I still have anxiety, but not regarding being trans.

But then again, the only one I really have to take into consideration is myself; it's not the same when you have a wife and children and a job where you can't be yourself fully. I think you're very strong to be able to go on this journey under these conditions, not everyone has the courage to do so. I don't think you can see your own capacity and what an inspiration you are to others by working so hard at living your truth.

I get what you mean by saying that you share to help, not to be helped. I do think that it goes both ways whether we intend it or not. 

... and I do want to see that haircut, btw.

[Trinity]

It will go up. Later on...you'll be sleeping. But they will go up, its custom to be any gender i want.

☺