A weirdo’s introduction

[.......]

.

[EchelonHunt]

Welcome, Krähenkönig!

Firstly, you aren't alone in your journey. Many of us have gone through similar struggles and find that simply talking about it with folks here who are understanding and accepting, it can be very helpful.

I can relate to your situation and certainly empathise with your struggle regarding your gender identity.

I was born female but I have no association with the word female whatsoever. I came out as a transman shortly after I turned 18 and at 21, after an abusive relationship ended, I came to the revelation that I have zero idea what it means to identify as a male or female. I felt genderless in that moment and it still persists to this day.

My soul feels genderless. My brain, body and sexuality, however, is a different matter - I am wired physically as a boy. Whenever I try to deny or suppress that fact, every bone in my body twinges in discomfort. I am currently in the process of transitioning my body from female to male as I have dysphoria that absolutely needs all the female (internal and external) characteristics removed or reconstructed into male characteristics.

I don't want an overly-masculine male body but rather an androgynous/feminine male body. This ties into my gender expression which is feminine/female. I like to think of myself as a "trap", commonly known in anime as attractive girls who are actually boys underneath their clothing.

Members on this forum are often in different timezones so replies to threads may be delayed until they catch up Feel free to reply to threads or make a new one and if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask!

Kind regards,

Jacey

[.......]

Thank you so much for your kind reply.
It helps to know that I am not alone with this and that you can relate to my thoughts. It makes me feel less alienated.

[Trinity]

Welcome....


Its nice here. Isolation stinks, you are never alone with us.

More when able...

Trinity

[Trinity]

Stealing a moment away from my blueprints.

I gave up totally on labels, they don't help. I was born male, physically, but don't fit that label.

I am a me.

You are a you, and most welcome here. Be you. Be happy you are you.

We are created as gifts, to ourselves, to others. When another gender divergent soul finds there way into this place, our unicorn forest as we fondly refer to it, we are happy. We understand, walk other paths. I personally take full transition hormones, but my gender was once in conflict with itself. Not so anymore, I am a unique blend, we don't try to define it, any more than one could define the color of the northern lights reflecting all the colors lighting up the night sky, shifting, beautiful, not controlled. That is sometimes like our genders.

There is great freedom in this place, come dance with us and find it. I use allegorical language, it helps... can confuse some.

But I came here in deep trouble, and now, I live in joy and freedom in gender. I learned my truth here, feel free to also come, and enjoy. Socially do not be concerned, we are a gentle folk, infinitely patient, all we want is for you to come in, and to belong. For my dear, you do.

Trinity

[.......]

Thanks a lot for your warm welcome and your kind words, I really appreciate that.

I have the habit of wanting to know everything exactly and in detail. I tend to overanalyse stuff and try to bring order into the chaos within me. I use labels as a tool to do so.
Despite that I absolutely get your point and agree with you, people aren’t labels they are who they are.

[Trinity]

Itll be a bit of a challenge then understanding mine. Thats part of the fun.

We celebrate our uniqueness and somilarities, but especially, for me, our freedom to be limitless.

Looking forward to reading your posts. Also i personally am not familiar with autism. These is a mental health section on the board where any concerns or revelations could be written right now my understanding is you like clarity.

No my dear you are not a weirdo, unless that is a good thing.

I like thinking of myself as gender divergent. Divergent like the movie.

[.......]

I consider it to be a good thing
I’ve been told that I am a weirdo or a freak so often that I came to the conclusion it must be a good thing to be weird and I should see it as a compliment. Then I claimed it for myself and used it in a positive sense ever since.

[Mingma]

Krähenkönig as in King of the Crows?

Most of us have been called much worse than freak or weirdo, and I suspect you have as well.  To take invective and claim it for yourself steals much of the power but, in my case anyway, the hurt is still there.  You are not a weirdo, neither are you a freak.  You are a seeker of yourself and you are in the company of fellow pilgrims.  Welcome to the future and welcome to acceptance. Autism is not a barrier here, the written word allows for reflection and as much separation as you need.  Being unusual is not a barrier here, it kind of goes with the territory of being gender nonconforming.  Welcome to this motley band of pilgrims.  The rules are simple:  be gentle to all, as near as I can tell that's it.  Pretty Cool eh?

There is a word with which I end many of my entries.  It is a word that recognizes and celebrates the divine in us both and understands that connecting with another in spirit is the only true connection. So, I bow to the divine in you Krähenkönig

Namaste,

Ming

[Trinity]

Dec 31, 2015 23:23:56 GMT 8 ....... said:

I consider it to be a good thing
I’ve been told that I am a weirdo or a freak so often that I came to the conclusion it must be a good thing to be weird and I should see it as a compliment. Then I claimed it for myself and used it in a positive sense ever since.

Love it.

[.......]

Yes, that’s right. Krähenkönig is translated king of the crows. Do you speak German or how did you know ?



Indeed, I have been called much worse things. But I can’t possibly claim those and make something positive out of that. Those other things are so obviously negative that they can’t be made into something good, not even with a lot of fantasy. I don’t even want to think about what they called and call me, I would love to erase that from my mind but it doesn’t work. Perhaps it is alright that I can’t erase it, because it reminds me of different aspects of human nature.



And that is why I claimed them in first place. I don’t want others to have the power to hurt me and I won’t let them anymore. I have been hurt and mistreated by people from the start and when I was a child as well as in my early teen years, yes, it hurt, it definitely did. Not so anymore.



By the way, thank you for welcoming me that nicely too 

[Mingma]

Krähenkönig,

I cheated and looked it up, I thought it might be elvish or otherwise related to the world of myth but didn't find any references in that direction so I just wanted to be sure I understood your intent. I studied German for a while at university, but what little I recall doesn't signify for much. Your English is flawless! I'll be moving to Europe in three years initially living in Italy, but spending a considerable amount of time further north as well. So one way or another I will become more of a polyglot.

Ming

[Trinity]

Jan 1, 2016 2:35:42 GMT 8 ....... said:

Yes, that’s right. Krähenkönig is translated king of the crows. Do you speak German or how did you know ?



Indeed, I have been called much worse things. But I can’t possibly claim those and make something positive out of that. Those other things are so obviously negative that they can’t be made into something good, not even with a lot of fantasy. I don’t even want to think about what they called and call me, I would love to erase that from my mind but it doesn’t work. Perhaps it is alright that I can’t erase it, because it reminds me of different aspects of human nature.



And that is why I claimed them in first place. I don’t want others to have the power to hurt me and I won’t let them anymore. I have been hurt and mistreated by people from the start and when I was a child as well as in my early teen years, yes, it hurt, it definitely did. Not so anymore.



By the way, thank you for welcoming me that nicely too 

You are not alone on that stuff by any means.

Its a time I don't like to remember - and there are words they called me that ignite rage in me.

They don't do that anymore.   I won't tolerate it for a second and they know it.

But out of all that comes a great deal of strength that helps us later.  A whole lot of strength.

Healing happens here too.

[.......]

@mingma
I am glad to hear that. I’m always concerned that my English might not be good enough.
So I still aim to improve it.

That is great. I always wanted to travel the world one day. There is so much to learn by visiting different places and trying to see through other perspectives. By learning to understand and listening to other perceptions, one can gain a lot.
I hope you’ll have a wonderful time here in Europe.

Trinity
That’s true. By constantly fighting for oneself, strength will be achieved. If I hadn’t gone through all that, I’d probably be another person now one way or the other. Less aware of my surroundings and myself and less awaken I’d say. But I still don’t wish for anyone to have to deal with that.