Change and transition

[Trinity]

I am curious how the progressions have gone with us.

There are a bunch of us with kind of binary physical needs that have nongendered or nonbinary spirits, as well as those who are binary spirits.

I am afraid of change, personally, it comes kind of hard.  Yet, I continue to loop around, there is more clarity about who I am, I am surprised at the outcome.  Very surprized to be honest.

Physically I am going all out.   If I could do the surgery I might.  I would if I wasn't married.  The dysphoria physically does not change, it remains as it has been for a long time, accute.  But my perspective has changed, and all it takes is a reminder that I am making a choice, and a reminder that when I need to, I can go full out as myself sh'e, and when I need to, I can play the business man, though if they pat me on the back they will quickly realize I am not a man.

No wonder Shan always said transition is a lifetime journey.  Gosh I see that clearly now.

I don't really know what I am driving at here.  Just wondering what your thoughts are about change.  Transitional change specifically.

I am planning full out, staying nonsurgical for the wife, I am a transperson anyway not a woman so why not...its easy to hide, cover it up.

I am learning we can't predict too well where our paths lead, just stay in the moment we are in.

I changed my pronoun a little.  "They" remains accurate, but physically sh'e has taken complete control.  And that is fine with me.

Nobody else in the world uses that pronoun LOL.  HAH!  I am pronoun divergent too...

Love  to all here

Nails out, hair down, heart wide open...

Trinity

[EchelonHunt]

I initially thought that after completing the final surgery, that when the physical transition finishes, that's it. But I see now I was wrong to think that, sure, the transition aspect is complete but being a transgender individual doesn't go away. It's a part of who we are, something we can't deny, only embrace it and do what we all do best: survive.

It's an altruistic decision to stay non-surgical/non-op for your wife, it speaks loud volumes of how much you love her and fear losing her.

The dysphoria you experience, in which it is similar to mine, the detachment from it helps, doesn't it? I mean, for me, it's like, I forget it's even there sometimes!

The dysphoria for me only spikes highly when I am reminded of what's there and how unnatural it feels on my body.

On the boat, we had a pee bottle so I used my Peecock to pee into it the first time, it went without a hitch and I felt very content. The next morning, I did another pee, it leaked and... the dysphoria spiked badly. I wanted to cry, scream, but not at the Peecock... I wanted to tear that part of me out.

I need the change, the surgery, the transitional need fulfilled to be able to go to the toilet without dreading it, to wash myself without dreading it, to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. To see a bulge in shimapan panties, to be the trap/femboy I feel I strongly am on the inside.

Change is inevitable. Being afraid of change is normal, the fear of the unknown is to be expected. I'd be more concerned if you weren't afraid!

You have changed a lot the past few months, it has been for the better, has it not?

[Deleted]

Dec 27, 2015 3:15:33 GMT 8 Trinity said:

I am curious how the progressions have gone with us.

There are a bunch of us with kind of binary physical needs that have nongendered or nonbinary spirits, as well as those who are binary spirits.

I am afraid of change, personally, it comes kind of hard.  Yet, I continue to loop around, there is more clarity about who I am, I am surprised at the outcome.  Very surprized to be honest.

Physically I am going all out.   If I could do the surgery I might.  I would if I wasn't married.  The dysphoria physically does not change, it remains as it has been for a long time, accute.  But my perspective has changed, and all it takes is a reminder that I am making a choice, and a reminder that when I need to, I can go full out as myself sh'e, and when I need to, I can play the business man, though if they pat me on the back they will quickly realize I am not a man.

No wonder Shan always said transition is a lifetime journey.  Gosh I see that clearly now.

I don't really know what I am driving at here.  Just wondering what your thoughts are about change.  Transitional change specifically.

I am planning full out, staying nonsurgical for the wife, I am a transperson anyway not a woman so why not...its easy to hide, cover it up.

I am learning we can't predict too well where our paths lead, just stay in the moment we are in.

I changed my pronoun a little.  "They" remains accurate, but physically sh'e has taken complete control.  And that is fine with me.

Nobody else in the world uses that pronoun LOL.  HAH!  I am pronoun divergent too...

Love  to all here

Nails out, hair down, heart wide open...

Trinity

Dear Trinity. Life is a lifetime journey. We all transition throughout our lives most though not gender wise. But we all end up changing over our lifetimes. The LGBTs and Cis gender people. I used to hate peas, now I like them. Same with corn. I used to hate corn but now I love it. A lot of myself has changed throughout the year. Life is dynamic.

[Deleted]

Dec 30, 2015 1:27:03 GMT 8 EchelonHunt said:

I initially thought that after completing the final surgery, that when the physical transition finishes, that's it. But I see now I was wrong to think that, sure, the transition aspect is complete but being a transgender individual doesn't go away. It's a part of who we are, something we can't deny, only embrace it and do what we all do best: survive.

It's an altruistic decision to stay non-surgical/non-op for your wife, it speaks loud volumes of how much you love her and fear losing her.

The dysphoria you experience, in which it is similar to mine, the detachment from it helps, doesn't it? I mean, for me, it's like, I forget it's even there sometimes!

The dysphoria for me only spikes highly when I am reminded of what's there and how unnatural it feels on my body.

On the boat, we had a pee bottle so I used my Peecock to pee into it the first time, it went without a hitch and I felt very content. The next morning, I did another pee, it leaked and... the dysphoria spiked badly. I wanted to cry, scream, but not at the Peecock... I wanted to tear that part of me out.

I need the change, the surgery, the transitional need fulfilled to be able to go to the toilet without dreading it, to wash myself without dreading it, to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. To see a bulge in shimapan panties, to be the trap/femboy I feel I strongly am on the inside.

Change is inevitable. Being afraid of change is normal, the fear of the unknown is to be expected. I'd be more concerned if you weren't afraid!

You have changed a lot the past few months, it has been for the better, has it not?

I will choose to stay non surgical. Not for a wife or anyone else but me. I kind of like my "little thang".  Besides surgery can always have complications so if the dysphoria isn't that bad then why change it? I can understand if the dysphoria is unbearable but I've had a pretty good life so far. I've had my share of boyfriends and girlfriends. Yes sometimes break ups are a bitch with all the name calling but that is normal with bad breakups. So if I'm called a "bitch assed tranny" during a break up, what is the difference between being called a "stupid assed son of a bitch"?

I don't know because it is hard for me to understand visual dysphoria. I mean I look down in the shower, at least it is well groomed. I shave my legs and underarms. I have long hair so have wrap it in a towel and then fix it. I do all the girl stuff. But don't use me for inspiration because my shit hides most of the time. Hell if I ever got an Orchi or went HRT it would probably shrink to nothing. It's kind of there now. Women make and have always made fun of it until they figured out that I had some hellacious lesbian tendencies.  Shit. OK so I will be truthful. There have been very few if any women that I could satisfy except for orally.  Wow, no wonder I was never a real man. Oh well.

But there is way more to a man and woman than a penis or vagina Jayce.

Hon, surgery may not do anything for you. Just be prepared for that. We are trans and will always be. We need to be who we are between our ears first and between our legs second.

What boat? Oil field supply boats? Pee bottles? Leak? Really? That is freakin' natural. I spent 17 yearrs using pee bottles and a lot of times I have had leaks and I don't have a peacock. I have actually had to change my panties and pants or shorts so... Don't feel so bad about it. Shit happens and sometimes piss too.

[Cypres]

Due to the fact that my estrogen levels never really went down for good, even though I am on T for three years, my changes have been very slow and I am "unreadable". I guess at the start I also thought, that I would like "unreadable", but recently I feel like I would rather like to be read as man. Because that would make day to day live easier and somewhat fit better with how I feel right now. I never understood the urge to pass, but bizarely right now I have it and I want the T to work fast now and hopefully finally give me voice that is read as male, but I am not very hopefull that this is likely to happen, so I guess I just have to see and wait ...

[Leena]

Nov 21, 2016 3:43:51 GMT 8 Cypres said:

Due to the fact that my estrogen levels never really went down for good, even though I am on T for three years, my changes have been very slow and I am "unreadable". I guess at the start I also thought, that I would like "unreadable", but recently I feel like I would rather like to be read as man. Because that would make day to day live easier and somewhat fit better with how I feel right now. I never understood the urge to pass, but bizarely right now I have it and I want the T to work fast now and hopefully finally give me voice that is read as male, but I am not very hopefull that this is likely to happen, so I guess I just have to see and wait ...

The effects of T are often slow, even in cis-men.

The way men speak is often a bit different than how women speak. Have you tried voice lessons?

[Cypres]

yes paid a voice teacher, turns out I subconsciously started to speak in the most female manner and use my vioce much higher than necessary, I guess that happend cause everybody was wierded out by transition and I tried to make it "less hard" for the others. I am trying to unlearn this now. Funnily everbody says trans men have it easy, but I have to make the same process as trans women just the reverse, cause it does not come 'natural' for me at all ; )

[Leena]

The other thing you could work on, assuming your everyday speech is similar to what you post here, is your speech patterns. While I hate sounding like an English teacher I once had, use the active voice more. Men tend to be less wordy and less expressive, though don't shut up entirely either. I'm not the best at emulating a man, though I can do it when I need to or feel it's to my benefit to...

[Cypres]

I am way too much in my head, since I have to speak somewhat professionaly as a teacher I know that there are biases against certain speech patterns, I just can't ease up very much. I hope it will come with time. I am also sad about the fact that the people I asked for help who had speech education because they are singers, where not able to help cause they did not get the problem ... cis ... As if this was just a matter of preference and not to some extend a matter of survival

[Leena]

Nov 21, 2016 22:41:08 GMT 8 Cypres said:

I am way too much in my head, since I have to speak somewhat professionaly as a teacher I know that there are biases against certain speech patterns, I just can't ease up very much. I hope it will come with time. I am also sad about the fact that the people I asked for help who had speech education because they are singers, where not able to help cause they did not get the problem ... cis ... As if this was just a matter of preference and not to some extend a matter of survival

My natural voice tends to be higher pitched and more feminine than most MAAB, though I have a pretty wide vocal range at this point. When I was younger, people gave me a hard time about it, so I forced it lower, though I was really only able to do this for short phrases, so I started only talking like that. Then people gave me a hard time about being too quiet. Now I just don't worry about it, while some people might say some things about it, in a lot of ways it's better not to overthink it. Sounding confident is actually more useful than sounding masculine.

[Cypres]

I guess you are rigth, if my overall confidence would increase, that problem might subside as well. It also to me seem very much about how one can be in one's body ...

[Aadya]

Confidence is important and I think you have to give yourself time and not beat yourself up because you don't feel like the perfect person you want to be, right here, right now.

I just read that back and it sounded awfully cliched but from experience it is true. Even five years after I transisitioned I used to worry about the phone calls and how people responded to me out and about. However, at some point I gradually stopped caring what others thought I just started working on accepting who I am. When you are relaxed with yourself people around you seem to be more relaxed with you. Many people on this site have reached that point much quicker than me but haigh! ho!, that's my journey!!

I have reached the conclusion there is no endpoint in transition, it just evolves as we grow older and we become more comfortable in our own skin through a combinatin of maturity and life experience. For example, my voice can be masculine over the phone if I don't put my 'phone voice' on. But I've stopped caring and just tell them that 'my name is A.... and I am female'...people have always respected that so far.A few years ago that would send the dysphoria into overdrive and I would start babbling and feel embarrassed.

I can't honestly remember the last time I felt that feeling of dysphoria which is something I thought would never happen. Maybe it is still there but in the nosie and stress of life I don't hear it. I still wish that I had been born a girl, in the sense of you know what, but I don't feel the anguish the same these days.

I say all this to give others hope that eventually it will be ok, that the hard work of analysing and growing as an individual as well as building relationships with those you love and who love you will pay reap its rewards.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Jun 3, 2017 5:21:21 GMT 8 Aadya said:

Confidence is important and I think you have to give yourself time and not beat yourself up because you don't feel like the perfect person you want to be, right here, right now.

Right here, right now is the key, you lose that confidence doubting what you feel is real, and anticipating a different outcome in the future.
Doubting how you feel is the wrong thing, by thinking that what you feel might be wrong.
It is what it is, there is only the now to really be concerned with, but also being open to all possibilities is your future.
Withdrawing into the things that changed in the past is where some of that doubt comes from, not realizing it is a part of the learning curve we all experience.
Eventually you do come to an understanding of self, and the realization that self is always changing.
Anticipation of changes causes self doubt, over analyzing the past can do the same thing.
Be mindful of the now that you are in, that the past is gone, but lessons learned, and the future isn't written in stone, it's subject to change right up to the last second.
There is always going to be a question of this or that, but knowing that tends to make you more of a perfect person.
Correct anticipation doesn't do that, being right all the time just isn't going to happen, perfect is being able to take the future as it becomes the now.
Be mindful, sense the currents flow and go with it, always looking to see what is around the next corner.
It's all just intersecting paths in the forest we call home...

[Taka]

Jun 3, 2017 5:21:21 GMT 8 Aadya said:

Confidence is important and I think you have to give yourself time and not beat yourself up because you don't feel like the perfect person you want to be, right here, right now.

I can't honestly remember the last time I felt that feeling of dysphoria which is something I thought would never happen. Maybe it is still there but in the nosie and stress of life I don't hear it. I still wish that I had been born a girl, in the sense of you know what, but I don't feel the anguish the same these days.

maybe you should have more confidence that the dysphoria is truly gone for now?

it seems a huge part of unexplainable dysphoria comes from having the wrong hormone balance and body parts.
if a person is generally happy with everything else in their life, accepted by friends and society, but still feeling awful, then that would likely be pure gender dysphoria.

unfortunately society has a tendency to throw people into social anxiety, depression, and suicidality.
it's really sad to see and hear about young people transitioning to deal with gender dysphoria just to stay depressed because society isn't willing to let it pass without comment.
some of it can be fixed, if it's mostly internal.
but many times it's discrimination and different forms of violence. and that can't really be dealt with purely by feeling confident about oneself.
there are ways to deal with that too, but having to move away and start over completely stealth says more about society than the person who runs away. and it should be unnecessary.