It's over. It's really over.

[DCW]

Is very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life. - Inigo Montoya

I've been feeling something of that nature. I spent the last 22 years - all of my adult life - fighting to have my transition and overcoming various roadblocks along the way.

I just got the final approval to stay on the same HRT dose and go to annual follow-up. That will mean two full years on the same dose. When 2015 started I was hoping to have 6 months, which would tie with one other time for the longest on the same dose.

It's actually over. And it just sort of happened, with an appointment last June where I was told "your level is low but not bad and if you're happy we'll go with that" and then last week "sure, you're not on spiro so annual is totally appropriate." No final boss fight, if you will, it was totally anti-climatic. With a few words I had suddenly and quietly won.

I'm only beginning to grasp what it is to not have that battle in my life anymore.

I had breakfast this morning with my sister by another mister - a really good friend who I get to see far too infrequently as she works nights and was one of the early people involved in TransByDef - and we both realized how much transition is a part of our past. Sure, there are surgeries I want, but mine are BA and some facial procedures, and all of that gatekeeping shit is done (yeah, the BA surgeons want letters, but they'll accept my GRS ones.)

I suspect it's time for me to fade out from a lot of trans-specific spaces. I've been doing the same about my in-person work with information panels like at Duke Uni and Hospitals because it's time to yield the floor to other voices.

Thanks for all of your love and support for so many years, particularly during those times when I was in a really bad, dark place and not very likable. That you reached out to me with this resource after I was barred from others and that you didn't believe the rumors about me was more important than I can ever express. Thank you.

[Ayla]

So very happy for you. Your presence has been a gift and very much valued. We were delighted that you joined us at the beginning and I would love it if you checked in from time to time to let us know how you are getting on. It is great to see the number of success stories and seeing those that you know and love continue on with their journeys.

Wishing you a very happy holiday season and an outstanding New Year.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Trinity]

Please do visit. Hard to lose an original member, but it sounds like dreams came true.

Dream well and dream joy.

Trinity...Satinjoy

[DCW]

I'll be around on occasion! Y'all can't get rid of me that easily, you know!

[DCW]

So, unexpectedly, I have an updated to this.

In late December I began seeing a new therapist. Though I don't need this for anything directly transition I did need to have someone who was reasonably versed and could grasp that it was possible to have very different feelings (i.e. regret) about one specific step of transition without having that about any others of it.

Therapy is being productive, but there's not much need to go into that here (and a lot of it is stuff that I don't want to even be this public about yet.)

However, she has told me a few things that make me feel good about a lot. First is that there are a lot of HRT docs operating on informed consent here. She hasn't written any HRT letters, not because she opposes them or wouldn't but because they're not necessary now. And she's far from the only therapist in the area who is treating trans people and not doing the shit of the two who were the only options just a few years ago.

Second, my first endo - the one who required the regular orchidometer exams - is no longer accepting new trans patients.

Third, my second endo - the one who was convinced even low doses were too high regardless of what the labs said and has done similar things to some friends (whom I didn't know at the time it happened to them) - is NOT involved in the trans kids clinic that Duke University Hospital is setting up. This endo's practice is in one of the Duke Clinics, a sprawling, multi-story complex of special-focus outpatient clinics adjacent to the hospital, so that she would be was a very real possibility.

So this is an even better win. Yeah, I would have loved the retributive aspect of those providers being hauled before their respective licensing boards, but, in reality, that would accomplish little - it wouldn't regain anything for me and, on its own, it just meant access to transition resources became worse for others. However, with more, better therapists and doctors here providing that care now, we have the best possible win - nobody else has to go through what I did and what several friends also had. I truly feel that I can rest now; as much as it's possible to make that aspect safe for others here we have.

[Shan]

I am so pleased for you, it was bound to happen eventually though your patience was tested to the extreme. Glad to know that you have prevailed and that all is well with our DCW.