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Post by Trinity on Nov 19, 2015 7:54:45 GMT 8
That's huge R, big time huge. The risk to dare to be yourself, every single time I open up to someone new, its almost like feeling like I am a kamakazi or something, I never know what to expect. But when you can really be yourself with the ones that matter to you most, omg it is such a freeing feeling isn't it?
I show the nonbinary blend much more than I show the full out presentation, don't get confused by that by the way, I live very free. My position of greatest strength is as the blend, as the guy, its another strength too, as the girl, its very emotional, nurturing, intuitive, but truth be told, its all there regardless of what I reveal to anyone else.
But sharing that with someone else, yeah, it can be a wild ride. I transitioned publically in FL, in a Christian company. By the end I knew who my true friends were. And because of that, those bonds are deep indeed.
You are well on your way darling, you already know you are the blend, now you get to own it, keep it, cherish who you are, head high and free to be your me.
You did a big thing. Reward yourself, it is something to celebrate.
Trinity
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2015 8:32:36 GMT 8
It was definitely a freeing feeling! This forum and everyone here has been a boon to me... I'm very grateful. I really feel that I am finding my way again. I'm so glad that I came here.
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Post by Trinity on Nov 19, 2015 8:43:49 GMT 8
We are too hon.
Lol i already reverted back to my true self avatar. I just dont quite feel it with the hair on.
I need to be the real me too. But i do enjoy running the presentation spectrums.
Its just that at rest and centered i really am that mix. And i think its a hot look...
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2015 15:59:39 GMT 8
R. It is very confusing. Take things one day at a time. Lean on the people in this forum, they all help a LOT. And as I have learnt, this is a journey. What might work now, might not work in a few weeks' time. Be kind to yourself, be good to yourself. And as you are spending the time working things out, keep on doing that. What Aisla and other have taught me is that this a a journey. The end point is not known, but it doesnt't have to be. The only advice I can give is work out your true north and start to go that way. Your true notrth will be very different to everyone elses. As I read somewhere the other day, "When you have met one trans person, all you can say is that you have met one trans person"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2015 17:03:15 GMT 8
Hi R, How nice that it went so well for you! I'm glad you like it here.
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Post by Trinity on Nov 19, 2015 19:54:48 GMT 8
You folks coming in here have healed and touched me in ways you do not know....
I am so excited to hear more about how it is, its like my nb aa meeting, im 30 years older then them and they treat me as thier own and the age doesnt matter. They live in another world but then when we talk truth age is meaningless and experience is rich.
I am so looking forward to listening to you here...all of you. God im so glad i didnt run away.
You each have so much to give...just by being here.
Loving blessings
Trinity
☺
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2015 20:12:41 GMT 8
Trinity, I'm glad you didn't run away... and that I didn't run away! I feel that we were all meant to meet each other. There has been a lot of healing lately.
In here we all meet each other in a open and pure way, age doesn't matter. We all bring different things to the table. I think the fact that we are from different places and of different ages makes things a lot better, it's a better dynamic that way.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2015 4:54:51 GMT 8
Body dysphoria... I'm not sure whether or not I've experienced it. I've been looking into this as it is a rather new concept for me. I don't think I've ever felt this. I've never wished for my body to be male and I'm not uncomfortable in my body being female (I think). I do feel that my Person is non-binary and my Expression when it comes to clothes and such things is male. It's almost that I feel that my person is more on the male side, but my body is female, which I am fine with. My problem, though, is that I wish I was more androgynous looking; my body is curvy now and I don't like that at all. Hmmm.. how confusing! I'm starting to take a hard look at myself and so far this is how I feel. I've been so closed off from myself for so long that I don't know what to think.
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Post by Trinity on Nov 20, 2015 6:27:01 GMT 8
you are doing of good job of it, learning to feel.
Keep going with it.
Takes a while to figure it out.
Keep unclosing yourself off from yourself. There is nothing to fear.
And send me the curves I could use them.
T.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2015 7:55:17 GMT 8
Body dysphoria... I'm not sure whether or not I've experienced it. I've been looking into this as it is a rather new concept for me. I don't think I've ever felt this. I've never wished for my body to be male and I'm not uncomfortable in my body being female (I think). I do feel that my Person is non-binary and my Expression when it comes to clothes and such things is male. It's almost that I feel that my person is more on the male side, but my body is female, which I am fine with. My problem, though, is that I wish I was more androgynous looking; my body is curvy now and I don't like that at all. Hmmm.. how confusing! I'm starting to take a hard look at myself and so far this is how I feel. I've been so closed off from myself for so long that I don't know what to think. Yeah, it's hard to sort this out for me too but it's good to be trying to figure things out! I can relate to wanting to be more androgynous looking. I used to get mistaken for a boy when I was younger so maybe I could look androgynous or pass for male if I tried hard enough (I do like my hair long though...) But yeah, I'm unsure if I've experienced body dysphoria because what I've read/heard of it sounds much more extreme and emotional than how I feel about my body. I wish I had the male parts but I don't wish I was a man. I would be pretty happy if my body didn't really change at all except I got to swap the boobs and V for a D But I don't feel strongly about physically transitioning... (except maybe the boobs will go one day... I'm not sure. I have yet to try a binder to see how I feel about that...) Sometimes I dream about a magical machine that would let me switch body parts with someone else who would prefer female parts. It's a fanciful and painful dream, knowing that sort of thing is impossible...
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Post by Trinity on Nov 20, 2015 9:19:17 GMT 8
Its different for all of us. I have the intense body dysphoria, yet I am somewhat ok with having the penis. However as is now fairly obvious from that momentary avatar, that is no longer a guys body. Indeed it is no longer a guy at all, physically.
To my great relief.
I experimented, I lived socially in different ways, I still do that. Its more than just presentation, when I am out that part of self that is expressing itself is dominant, yet there is the consciousness that I am more than that. Its why it works really well in the middle, but it works really well at the ends too.
Put me in front of the mirror however and I had better have that body... and body dysphoria is total hell. I transitioned because I basically had to. I was losing my mind. The pain levels simply went off the charts.
It still gets uncomfortable, and when I get stressed sh'e wants to get laid and gets all emotional and embarrassing and stuff, no offence to her in me, I wont do that to her/me. I know that is how I am.
As time has gone on, I am continuing to discover who I really am. It is not a planned outcome, not by any means, it just is the outcome that is. I could not reach this point until I was able to free myself form all or nothing binary thinking. I could not conceive before of living fully in blend, yet, it is totally my truth. I love the look, and the best thing about it is that it is totally real. That is why I react to the full she presentation when I have it up. I know I am more than that, yet I am also fully she. I know that I am more than the guy, yet I am still fully he. But in the reality of me, I am free, its all there at one time. And in the center of it, I feel the most comfortable, the most powerful, when I am me, as I am seen in here, and there isn't a good definition of it except it is me and it is truth.
Would I do bottom surgery? I am functionally a bottom... in that slang the kids use. I don't like it, but what holds me back, is that deep inside I know its not me.
No I think I will stay me, it came with a high cost, but blowing it living a lie would have a far greater cost.
I gained it all. I won it all. All in, and all won. But only because it is the truth of who I am, and because I finally accepted that and got past the smoke and mirrors of fear and anger and abuse and suffering and programming and living up to what I though others would accept. And that took a lot of time and a lot of sharing. I have posted 4900 times now on the forum...
And I am truly happy about who I am. Stressed out, yeah, tonight, but it has nothing to do with gender. Thats just life and living and being a very emotional person. With estrogen serums at over 400, it is no surprize, in many ways my emotions are those of sh'e. And the body.
I am so many different things. There is no containing it, its fantastic. Facets on the diamond.
You are diamonds of trans. Believe it. You are. Once you learn that, study how its made, then you can cut it, shape it, make it dazzle in the sun. But you are still a diamond. Whether you cut it or not. It is the essense of who you are.
Love and blessings my dears.
Trinity
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Nov 20, 2015 10:25:24 GMT 8
Just want to throw in here that gender dysphoria can be broken down into two basic things, social and body dysphoria. One can have either or, but most have some variation that one in a sense feeds the other one. It can range from easily dealt with, to a living hell. It can have every variable imaginable and then a few more as well. The good news is that in most cases, it can be dealt with and brought down to acceptable levels for most everyone. Mindfulness plays a big part in this, as does other things, it takes a variety of methods and things that are going to be different for each person. What may seem apparent to one person isn't at all to another, and the same for dealing with it. Gender dysphoria is the one thing that gets to most trans people one way or another, and it's usually the first thing that should be addressed if it is a problem. So much of everything else we do for ourselves can readily fall into place with much less effort once we learn the ins and outs that work for each of us. For some, it never really becomes a big deal, it is a minor thing that they deal with, but if there is one thing that I could stop, put an end to, it would be dysphoria. The more we know about ourselves, the better off we will be when it comes to gender dysphoria, whether it is something that needs to be dealt with today, or that it can just as easily come up for some reason, some other time in our futures. There are so many things we can all do for each other, but dysphoria is the one thing that just being there is sometimes the best we can do for another. For me, it has been a relatively easy thing to deal with personally, but at the same time, it is the single hardest thing I have had to deal with, when others have had to deal with it and all I have to offer seems to not be much at all. Learn what you can about it, how to deal with it. You might need it for yourself, but more importantly, you might need it for someone else.
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Post by EchelonHunt on Nov 20, 2015 17:52:45 GMT 8
I've been looking into this as it is a rather new concept for me. I don't think I've ever felt this. I've never wished for my body to be male and I'm not uncomfortable in my body being female (I think). I do feel that my Person is non-binary and my Expression when it comes to clothes and such things is male. It's almost that I feel that my person is more on the male side, but my body is female, which I am fine with. My problem, though, is that I wish I was more androgynous looking; my body is curvy now and I don't like that at all. Hmmm.. how confusing! I'm starting to take a hard look at myself and so far this is how I feel. I've been so closed off from myself for so long that I don't know what to think. Since I don't identify as male, I can relate. There is a term called transmasculine, in which AFAB identify as masculine rather than male. Some transmasculine folks may even undertake low-dose HRT to masculize their body or you will have transmasucline folks who are quite happy without any need to undertake HRT. As always, there is no set path on your journey. Just as there is the common misconception that genderless folks strive to get a gender neutral body, that isn't true for my case. Of course, it also depends on how you view masculinity and femininity and whether you feel comfortable identifying with those concepts. Yeah, it's hard to sort this out for me too but it's good to be trying to figure things out! I can relate to wanting to be more androgynous looking. I used to get mistaken for a boy when I was younger so maybe I could look androgynous or pass for male if I tried hard enough (I do like my hair long though...) But yeah, I'm unsure if I've experienced body dysphoria because what I've read/heard of it sounds much more extreme and emotional than how I feel about my body. I wish I had the male parts but I don't wish I was a man. I would be pretty happy if my body didn't really change at all except I got to swap the boobs and V for a D But I don't feel strongly about physically transitioning... (except maybe the boobs will go one day... I'm not sure. I have yet to try a binder to see how I feel about that...) Sometimes I dream about a magical machine that would let me switch body parts with someone else who would prefer female parts. It's a fanciful and painful dream, knowing that sort of thing is impossible... I also like my hair long too! My surgeon gave me pecs while doing top surgery on me. Initially, in my head, I was like "Noooo, I don't want pecs! I'm not buff like a body builder!" But I'm glad I went through with it anyway, as the end result has made me quite happy, they could pass for itty bitty A-cups As someone who desired a feminine male body that could easily pass for female, I was absolutely overjoyed. There are many varying degrees of body dysphoria. I had suffered depression since puberty began, for a long time, I believed it was depression but looking back on it, it was very centred on my body and myself as a whole. It was most likely both, depression and body dysphoria. Maybe they interconnected, who knows. Being brought up as female, I disliked the way society treated women as inferior, weak, unable to do anything for themselves. I also absolutely loathed the notion that all women's worth is that they can pop out babies and become mothers. Using my reproductive organs, the thought of them doing their biological nature, became a source of horrible nightmares for countless nights at one point. It turns out, even as I transition my body to "male", not that it is even possible but if it were, I wouldn't be interested in getting people pregnant, nor would I be interested in being a father. But I am more open to the idea down the track, of being a dad, more so than being a mother. To furbabies I mean. Funny thing you should mention dreaming about a magical machine to switch body parts. I had a dream when I was much younger, it was like... for lack of a better word, a realistic dildo that had a weird device on the base of it, once inserting that device into the vagina, my genitalia shifted to that of a cis-guy's penis and balls! You know what's the real kicker? The device was available for $1 from a vending machine in the restroom (much like the tampons/condoms machines)
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2015 19:35:24 GMT 8
That's really interesting, Jacey. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, it helps a lot as I try to understand myself better. You're a .
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2015 4:54:28 GMT 8
OMFG! Just OMFG! Dammit. Long hair is sexy, guy or girl, Trans or cis NB or Binary. Either long hair or bald. Nothing like rubbing a bald sexy person's head while they are going down on you. Nothing like grabbing a long haired person's hair either. And OMG it feel so good on smooth skin. OK enough of that. Wheewww. Almost too much there. But a suit with a proper haircut and a freakin' attitude to go with it. No thanks. If they use more hairspray then me then not really interested. If they use more hair product than me then not interested. Unless they themselves are trans women then I can be and have been a transbian. Love is love and love has no boundaries other than what we give it because "I ain't this or I ain't that." I am Jamie. Love is special and should not know any boundaries. Trans, cis, gay, lesbian or bi. As for the original question. I don't have to convince myself of anything other than being me without shame or apprehension or made to feel bad about myself. I am me and whoever don't like it can go "Sit and Spin" on their thumb, middle finger or a phallus.
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