The years of wondering why

[Laura J]

"The years of wondering why"

Why does my heart feel
like its always about to break.
Im not in love, im just a broken boy
walking home from school alone.
Alone so they can't spit at me like they do on the way to school in the mornings.
In high school I sit 
Everyone walks past like I'm invisible.
That girl that makes me shiver
she's so beautiful.
We walk past each other in the halls
our eyes always meet.
I look at her so warmly, longingly
She looks back with cold eyes
like she's watching it snow on a winters night.
I find a job that pays me well
But the men I work with are so ugly
Bigots, racists, haters of everyone.
I long to leave each day
Race home, wash off the ugliness with booze
Drink until I can no longer remember.
The years pass, I always feel repressed
depressed, suppressed, I run out of words.
My body wrecked and my soul adrift
I finally hit solid ground.
Its real and firm beneath my feet
I sigh and breathe relief.
I've found a place to call my own
A safe place I can feel free enough to fly.
Where I no longer have to wonder why.

Me, 1/1/15

[Patty]

Mark this is absolutely beautiful and in a way tells the story of many of our lives. Thank you. Patty

[Laura J]

Thanks Patti...

lol, I got quite a strong response on Fb from my CIS friends,
it was very interesting the different type of comments I get from them, verses here with you all.. Very different mindsets..
The term "Us & Them" seems very fitting sometimes, meant not in a mean way, but just such a different way of thinking..

[Patty]

I think what it really boils down to is that only "us" really understand "us" . We are a concept beyond "their" ability to understand.I do not down them for it, it is just difficult for people who do not face the life challenges that we do just to survive which are above and way beyond what they do. I spent my life living two separate lives one for them,to appear "normal" and one to find peace within my soul which no one ever was privileged to see. Fear is the overriding factor to everything and ultimately caused a lot of inner turmoil but I survived---barely . Patty

[Ayla]

Mark

Another gift. Thank you. Cis folk struggle to understand trans, never mind non binary folk. High School, College and then work seems like an extended audition. Fearing to come up short, seen to be different or seen as not belonging, brought fear of immediate retribution. We knew that retribution was real and we did everything we could to avoid drawing attention to any non conforming aspect of our self. Life was uncomfortable, if not downright scary.

Understanding that there is a reason for this discomfort, that it can be treated and that life can be so much better was an unexpected blessing. The Internet has helped a lot. Education has helped a lot. But I still fear for those pre teens and teens who can't identify their demons and find support, comfort and a resolution through their family and community. When I think of the years of self doubt, fear, loathing and discomfort that many of us experienced, I fear for the next generation as society seems to be changing far too slowly.

Safe travels

Aisla