Don't know what I am doing.

[Deleted]

I think that pretty much sums me up right now.

I haven't a clue where to start and if any of this will make sense to anyone who is willing to actually listen, because it sure doesn't make any sense to me. I suppose I should start off with, I feel like there is two halfs of me. One that is super girly, wearing dresses and flowers in hair and makeup and whatnot, and then the other side that's more tom boy and care free.

I don't know if I want to be trans.

For the most part I am pretty okay with being a girl, but then some days I find myself sitting on my floor and crying because I can't stand the life of a female.  I get along with mainly guys and there is some sort of unsettled longing to be one, after all I tend to find myself on that side a lot.

I really wish there was a way to 'test out' what life would be like if you were  a boy...And I don't mean cutting my hair short and binding my chest. I mean for people to look at you and not even so much as a passing thought that I could possibly be a girl.

I have a great family situation, and I feel like if I did make a decision to go trans, they would support me  --after  a long conversation of 'yes this is really what I want to do'-- Only..I couldn't do that to them.

I have four brothers, I am the only girl in my family. Fourth born to add to that, so I am on the younger side. My mom tried really hard to get a girl, I mean really hard. Brags to everyone about me, and says how much she is thankful for finally getting her wish. I can't take that away from them.

I keep finding as much 'pros' as to 'cons' of being the opposite gender. 

I am I just an emotional roller-coaster of a mess  and must go find something else to dwell on, or  is this in fact a real thing that I am struggling with?

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Deleted]

Hi

We have different parts of gender inside, sometimes one part is dominant, sometimes another, sometimes it's all there at once, most times for me.

It's kind of hard to sort out, when you are brought up where the lines of gender are sharply drawn.


It's important to love yourself as you are, including who you want to be, who you are now.

Parents are often wanting our kids to be happy, first and foremost. That comes from loving yourself as you are, and feeling your feelings.

We can chat again I need to run, wife calling.

[Ativan Prescribed]

For your mother, explain that you're just not a girly girl all the time and you like yourself being able to hang with the guys and like being one of them from time to time.
It sounds like you are trans, but the definitions aren't what count so much as what you personally think of yourself.
If you're fine with thinking in terms of non-binary, neither girl nor boy, or either, both if you see it that way, then sure, you could consider yourself to be trans.
But NB isn't based on a strict or even all that much on a loose definition, and most certainly avoid the label boxes, they never work out and restrict you.
I say this a lot of times: Don't be a definition, be descriptive about yourself.
If you think your descriptive's are trans, then that's just one of them, we are all many things and that might be one of them, if you think it is, then it is, it's up to you.
We all go through wanting to test out different things in life and gender is one of them for most people, even if they aren't trans.

[EchelonHunt]

Hi, Sparrow, welcome to Non-Binary & Transfolk forum!

Being transgender isn't really something you can decide to be. However, transitioning is most definitely a choice but it's not the only choice you can make.

It is different for everyone. You will have people who are more than happy just adjusting their gender presentation (how they look to society) and not making any changes to their physical body. Others will require a low-dose HRT to feel more comfortable in their skin but don't require any medical transition (surgery). Some FAAB (female-assigned-at-birth) non-binary folks do opt to have top surgery though to get a more androgynous or gender neutral appearance. You will also have people who absolutely require HRT and surgery to alleviate their body dysphoria - some people get all the possible surgeries done, some only get one or two procedures done.

That being said, it is socially acceptable for girls to express their tomboy side - has been for a long time. Try switching up your hairstyle, different clothes and a good sports bra can make a huge difference in how people perceive you. Do what makes you feel comfortable and try not to fall into fulfilling stereotypes to a T. Just be yourself. Girly girl ... tomboy? Why not just Sparrow? You are more than your gender.

Separating it into two distinct identities can cause a pull and tug between areas where there isn't supposed to be any tension. I previously identified as genderfluid, I had a femboy side, a tomboy side and a genderless side. I realised that the femboy and tomboy looked exactly the same in terms of gender presentation and they liked the same things. Well, of course, they are me in the end - the genderless aspect of my identity remained unchanged, they just wanted the freedom to having a fluid ever-changing gender presentation. There was my solution, I simply embraced being genderless and the rest was history. I fell into the trap of treating my aspects of myself as if they are different gender identities - it's just my experience and how I noticed things would be so much easier if I just modified my perception of myself.

I understand wanting to keep your mother happy but if it means keeping up a charade until she passes away, I think that would hurt her more than anything else. Your own happiness is crucial to living a fulfilling life, you cannot live it for others.

I hope this helps,

Kind regards,
Jacey

[Leena]

It isn't really a choice to be trans. You can choose to actively deny it, but in my experience, at least, it will eat away at you, and will reach a point where you can't deny it anymore. Even if you do choose to medically transition, it generally, takes a long time before they even let you go on HRT and even longer for surgery. I wouldn't say I'm more than happy just adjusting my gender expression, but I can live with it, and have no current plans for HRT or surgery.

[Mingma]

Welcome Sparrow,
It is okay to be confused.  It is okay to be uncertain.  It is okay to be just who you are.  There is no time line to self discovery, as Ativan observes there are few definitions and even fewer that are meaningful.  You get to describe and find the boundaries of your life.  You get to explore, discuss, think about, and read about what works and what does not work.  There are lots of venues, this is one where judgement seems to be suspended, but counsel is available.  I think that is a good and safe place to start.

Ming