Another confession that makes me feel shame/fear

[Sisyphus]

I am taking baby steps at looking at things that make me quake and tremble with fear that are about my perceptions or my inner demons. 

Simply saying what I felt about dysphoria and transitioning was cathartic and having responses was much appreciated. You don't have to respond though, what I'm really saying is this is some muck I need to dig out of my chest and put out there.

Its here known that I have this paralyzing fear in real life to let anyone I don't trust implicitly to know who I am. I take baby steps, dipping the hairs on the tip of the last cell on the top of my longest toe testing spaces and itty bits of being the authentic me in organic living spaces.

But the huge amount of my support and comfort comes from online, where I have come out unequivically as a non-binary person who, with a certain definition, uses the trans label, in spaces where that label won't be confused for a binary trans usage. That includes any space where I hold myself out to be a non-binary and or trans person, even if they aren't the comfort and home I find this forum to be.

And it is in those spaces where I find myself restraining myself because of fear. Its this I feel like I just need to up and say it, put it out there even though it is a tiny dark shame, a chaining tendril keeping my on a tight leash, rooted in the catacombs of taking a great leap from a world that seems to hate us and keeps us restricted and compliant at all times, to an existence being me.

You see, in those spaces I am terrified of doing anything, saying anything, engaging in anything that reveals my assigned at birth. The underlying voice, like Quirrel's Voldemort says that doing so will create a creeping, subconscious internalized doubt as to my veracity, my authenticity, that it will lose me those spaces, or that, in its most simplest form, people will never be able to get beyond my assigned at birth, even if they say it doesn't matter, and it will forever mark me. 

But refusing to share my voice or show my face or even talk about formative details and experiences, all to hide my assigned at birth, I can't see how this can be healthy for my journey. So I'm whipping off the turban, taking that fear, and the shame of revealing that fear and saying it solidly and plainly. Shining some self sunlight on that fungus (no offense to fungus, which can be delicious and beneficial.)

[Deleted]

May 29, 2015 10:57:40 GMT 8 Sisyphus said:

I am taking baby steps at looking at things that make me quake and tremble with fear that are about my perceptions or my inner demons. 

Simply saying what I felt about dysphoria and transitioning was cathartic and having responses was much appreciated. You don't have to respond though, what I'm really saying is this is some muck I need to dig out of my chest and put out there.

Its here known that I have this paralyzing fear in real life to let anyone I don't trust implicitly to know who I am. I take baby steps, dipping the hairs on the tip of the last cell on the top of my longest toe testing spaces and itty bits of being the authentic me in organic living spaces.

But the huge amount of my support and comfort comes from online, where I have come out unequivically as a non-binary person who, with a certain definition, uses the trans label, in spaces where that label won't be confused for a binary trans usage. That includes any space where I hold myself out to be a non-binary and or trans person, even if they aren't the comfort and home I find this forum to be.

And it is in those spaces where I find myself restraining myself because of fear. Its this I feel like I just need to up and say it, put it out there even though it is a tiny dark shame, a chaining tendril keeping my on a tight leash, rooted in the catacombs of taking a great leap from a world that seems to hate us and keeps us restricted and compliant at all times, to an existence being me.

You see, in those spaces I am terrified of doing anything, saying anything, engaging in anything that reveals my assigned at birth. The underlying voice, like Quirrel's Voldemort says that doing so will create a creeping, subconscious internalized doubt as to my veracity, my authenticity, that it will lose me those spaces, or that, in its most simplest form, people will never be able to get beyond my assigned at birth, even if they say it doesn't matter, and it will forever mark me. 

But refusing to share my voice or show my face or even talk about formative details and experiences, all to hide my assigned at birth, I can't see how this can be healthy for my journey. So I'm whipping off the turban, taking that fear, and the shame of revealing that fear and saying it solidly and plainly. Shining some self sunlight on that fungus (no offense to fungus, which can be delicious and beneficial.)

It says a lot that you trust us to talk this way.  To share from your heart, tear down the curtains that veil yourself.

Its a big step, and saying it out loud to folks that understand, not throwing pearls to pigs but sharing treasure with those that will care for it, that is a big thing.

I am selective about who gets to know my truth.  My whole truth.  But has time has gone on, I am more out, because I hate what was done to trans folks, driving us to stealth, and I was extensively and relentlessly mentally abused for it.  Out there, by the ones that hate.  But the ones that don't, they were silent.

So the haters spoke and the non haters did not.  Now, out, the haters have shut up, and the non haters are questioning, and changing their perception.  Because I do not present like a RuPaul drag race, and remain a passionate father, yet, visually, I am androgynous pushing towards girl.  People dont even look up any more, they see bracelets and make up and assume I am a she.  Not a pretty she.  Just real, because I look real.

Real starts in the heart. 

Starts in your heart.

Keep showing little peices.  Make sure you show them to yourself first, the one staring back at you through your eyes, deep inside you, the core of you.

Trin.

[Sisyphus]

Thank you. I've been waiting so long for a place where I can start to unpack from my panic room and slowly move to the light, and all that time I told myself I wasn't waiting, but that was where I would live forever. I've noticed that each time I confess something with the intent of just saying, okay, this is how I feel, no matter how wrong or awful it is, it seems to take away some of that aura of wrong and awful. It seems so much less like a monster in the corner waiting to eat me and more like dirty socks slung over the back of a chair once I put it out there. Needing to be addressed, but doable.

This is a good space and I am so grateful for it.

[Ayla]

Sisyphus

Just checking in to see how you are doing. I find it easier and easier, almost natural, to disclose my non binary trans identity to potential colleagues, friends and family. The test I am applying is whether or not my disclosure will benefit and honour our relationship. I told my mother yesterday, 2 new potential colleagues the day before. Each time it went well and I feel better and more authentic as a result.

This does not mean that I will tell every person I meet but I will if it feels appropriate. My sense is that while I am changing, society is changing just as quickly.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Deleted]

Sisyphus, I think I understand where you're coming from. I was in my mid-twenties when I began to see how thoroughly neurotic I was--how much I hated myself, how uncomfortable with myself I was, always cursing myself, always being far harder on myself than I would be on anybody else.

It's a big step to take to say, "I'm OK." You're no different from anybody else. You just are. And that's all anybody is.

But to say, "I'm OK," is one thing.  To really feel it, to believe it, is something else.  I don't think you can get that feeling over a weekend or over a year or anything like that.  When people have spent years attacking you, undermining you in one way or another, a lot of damage gets done, and you don't repair it quickly.  It takes time.

I think one thing I've learned from coming out (a lesson my dear mother tried to teach me and never succeeded at) is patience.  We can't undo the past in one fell swoop.  We have to let healing come bit by bit, in its own good time.  That's what I'm trying to do: just let it come.  I can't force it.  I can't make it come any more quickly by doing this or doing that.  I have to let it do its own work.

I'm out full-time now, and the change that's made in my life has been enormous.  Now I tell myself, live one day of life at a time.  Heal yourself one day at a time.  If there are spaces where you're uncomfortable, avoid them as best you can.  Be where you feel right.  Each little positive experience, each little positive feeling is one step along the road to healing. Each little thing is a big thing because you've never had it before.  I love the little things in my life now because bit by bit they work their healing on me.