Hey, cisfemale (misdiagnosed) Detransitioning Here
Dec 4, 2014 0:55:18 GMT 8
EchelonHunt, Taka, and 3 more like this
Post by ChaoticTribe on Dec 4, 2014 0:55:18 GMT 8
I come from SusansPlace and was invited by two of the friends that I made on that site.
Here's a bit of background information on me:
Before I was born, my mother felt 'sure' she would have a boy and always tells me how surprised she was when the doctors said I was a girl. I was given a unisex-masculine nickname and grew up as a serious tomboy. When I was little I refused to wear girls clothes, had my hair cropped short, and even insisted that I was a boy - some of my friends in elementary school literally did not know my true sex until they saw me go into the girls' bathroom or a teacher called me by my full name during attendance. I had almost exclusively male friends, disliked dolls or the idea of having a baby, and did all the guy stuff: climbing trees, playing racecars, jumping bikes, etc.
All through my life I felt jealous of boys getting to pee standing and go outside with their shirts off. I had severe penis envy and wanted to BE a guy. To some degree other people indulged me and let me keep using the masculine nickname, wearing baggy jeans and baseball hats, even going without shaving my legs or using cologne sometimes! I'd always imagine what job I'd have if I was a guy, wonder if I would be straight or gay (because I am not attracted to females at all, but if I'm not lesbian does that mean I would not be gay as a man?)
I thought girls were 'fat' because of the softness under their skin and the way their body curves, how their hips and legs are wider than men. I ended up VERY skinny (down to 95 lb) in an attempt to not have girly 'fat' on my body... clearly there was something wrong with me.
When I was older, one of my friends told me I must be trans. I had NEVER seen myself as a transsexual, I always believed in reincarnation and thought I must "really" be a male soul, but was living in a female life right now. I went to the doctor (supposedly one of the 'best' clinics in America, 'experts' who specialize in transgender 'care'). I had a single meeting with a counselor who was themselves a transsexual (talk about conflict of interests) - they never once doubted me, had no medical history, and assured me that I would be able to fit right in with society and develop my body like a 'normal' male with the hair, voice, muscle tone, etcetera. It went without saying that a fully-sized penis would not be part of the package.
This 'professional' then sent me ahead to a prescribing physician, another 'expert' from their clinic... She saw me on one occasion and sent me home with the consent forms to begin testosterone therapy. Needless to say, these doctors who were supposed to be specialists were both convinced that I was transgender (which is supposedly incurable and can only be treated by modifying the body) which left only one thing to do - start playing doctor!
Instead of giving me treatment for the disordered thinking I had (despite being beautiful, I was horribly unsatisfied with my body and basically starving myself) they decided to introduce testosterone into my system - a hormone known to increase rash behavior and risk taking up to the point where a person loses their own life or that of another (yes, there is a chemical basis for why men are more likely to die in reckless accidents or kill someone else, and these behaviors increase along with testosterone levels). Well, that certainly didn't improve my already-shoddy reasoning and common sense considering I got this far.
The testosterone caused very bad acne which scarred my face, neck, chest, shoulders, and back. I am currently using Clearasil because the titanium dioxide alleviates the redness (I have dark speckled pigmentation due to the acne) and using at-home face masks and scrubs to get rid of the indentations (pitting, the doctor calls it). I have been working on my skin since April and it took several months to get rid of the acne and the scars are still taking months to fade away and are not gone yet.
It also caused the development of a cyst in my breast which pushed me to get top surgery much sooner than I should have been able. I was terrified that the male hormones had caused cancer in my female body. After having that cyst removed, several more developed in my neck and under my chin. They are not acne but actual solid cysts because they remained in the same spot for over a year. Since I have been off testosterone and taking estrogen they have shrunken considerably and two of them seem to be completely gone.
Due to having had top surgery, I am currently doing chest massage to break up the scar tissue and allow blood flow and healing to take place. I am also taking estrogen and using a progesterone oil, which has brought the outer edges of my breasts and the areas directly beneath the nipple to begin healing first, while there is a wide ring in the middle of each breast that is still not caught up to the areas more tissue fragments were left, but these are re-growing from microscopic so I am just happy to have them re-developing. I also use a heating pad, and when I am able to get a breast pump and use it several times a day I do believe that I will be able to stimulate NEW tissue growth, just like breastfeeding does, and they will regrow better. I used to be an overflowing C cup .. now I'm starting from the bottom...
I had a lot of hair growth from the testosterone but now some of it is not growing back at all (chest, nipple area), the happy trail area is growing much more sparse and thin, as is the little bit around my lower back and shoulders which is peach fuzz but more than I ever had. Facial hair is almost completely gone by now. Still, it's very upsetting to need to always shave or use nair and have the stubble grow back.
The worst is that I had lower surgery as well. Now I am dependent upon hormones and it's going to be much more difficult for me to start a family.
All this because of a misdiagnosis. All of this occurred in the span of 1 year, when I was 20-21 years old! For one year after that I continued taking the testosterone until I realized I was chasing my tail and all of this was supposed to get rid of my dysphoria and depression but actually made me feel worse than I EVER had in my life!
Now I'm just a sad girl picking up the pieces.
Here's a bit of background information on me:
Before I was born, my mother felt 'sure' she would have a boy and always tells me how surprised she was when the doctors said I was a girl. I was given a unisex-masculine nickname and grew up as a serious tomboy. When I was little I refused to wear girls clothes, had my hair cropped short, and even insisted that I was a boy - some of my friends in elementary school literally did not know my true sex until they saw me go into the girls' bathroom or a teacher called me by my full name during attendance. I had almost exclusively male friends, disliked dolls or the idea of having a baby, and did all the guy stuff: climbing trees, playing racecars, jumping bikes, etc.
All through my life I felt jealous of boys getting to pee standing and go outside with their shirts off. I had severe penis envy and wanted to BE a guy. To some degree other people indulged me and let me keep using the masculine nickname, wearing baggy jeans and baseball hats, even going without shaving my legs or using cologne sometimes! I'd always imagine what job I'd have if I was a guy, wonder if I would be straight or gay (because I am not attracted to females at all, but if I'm not lesbian does that mean I would not be gay as a man?)
I thought girls were 'fat' because of the softness under their skin and the way their body curves, how their hips and legs are wider than men. I ended up VERY skinny (down to 95 lb) in an attempt to not have girly 'fat' on my body... clearly there was something wrong with me.
When I was older, one of my friends told me I must be trans. I had NEVER seen myself as a transsexual, I always believed in reincarnation and thought I must "really" be a male soul, but was living in a female life right now. I went to the doctor (supposedly one of the 'best' clinics in America, 'experts' who specialize in transgender 'care'). I had a single meeting with a counselor who was themselves a transsexual (talk about conflict of interests) - they never once doubted me, had no medical history, and assured me that I would be able to fit right in with society and develop my body like a 'normal' male with the hair, voice, muscle tone, etcetera. It went without saying that a fully-sized penis would not be part of the package.
This 'professional' then sent me ahead to a prescribing physician, another 'expert' from their clinic... She saw me on one occasion and sent me home with the consent forms to begin testosterone therapy. Needless to say, these doctors who were supposed to be specialists were both convinced that I was transgender (which is supposedly incurable and can only be treated by modifying the body) which left only one thing to do - start playing doctor!
Instead of giving me treatment for the disordered thinking I had (despite being beautiful, I was horribly unsatisfied with my body and basically starving myself) they decided to introduce testosterone into my system - a hormone known to increase rash behavior and risk taking up to the point where a person loses their own life or that of another (yes, there is a chemical basis for why men are more likely to die in reckless accidents or kill someone else, and these behaviors increase along with testosterone levels). Well, that certainly didn't improve my already-shoddy reasoning and common sense considering I got this far.
The testosterone caused very bad acne which scarred my face, neck, chest, shoulders, and back. I am currently using Clearasil because the titanium dioxide alleviates the redness (I have dark speckled pigmentation due to the acne) and using at-home face masks and scrubs to get rid of the indentations (pitting, the doctor calls it). I have been working on my skin since April and it took several months to get rid of the acne and the scars are still taking months to fade away and are not gone yet.
It also caused the development of a cyst in my breast which pushed me to get top surgery much sooner than I should have been able. I was terrified that the male hormones had caused cancer in my female body. After having that cyst removed, several more developed in my neck and under my chin. They are not acne but actual solid cysts because they remained in the same spot for over a year. Since I have been off testosterone and taking estrogen they have shrunken considerably and two of them seem to be completely gone.
Due to having had top surgery, I am currently doing chest massage to break up the scar tissue and allow blood flow and healing to take place. I am also taking estrogen and using a progesterone oil, which has brought the outer edges of my breasts and the areas directly beneath the nipple to begin healing first, while there is a wide ring in the middle of each breast that is still not caught up to the areas more tissue fragments were left, but these are re-growing from microscopic so I am just happy to have them re-developing. I also use a heating pad, and when I am able to get a breast pump and use it several times a day I do believe that I will be able to stimulate NEW tissue growth, just like breastfeeding does, and they will regrow better. I used to be an overflowing C cup .. now I'm starting from the bottom...
I had a lot of hair growth from the testosterone but now some of it is not growing back at all (chest, nipple area), the happy trail area is growing much more sparse and thin, as is the little bit around my lower back and shoulders which is peach fuzz but more than I ever had. Facial hair is almost completely gone by now. Still, it's very upsetting to need to always shave or use nair and have the stubble grow back.
The worst is that I had lower surgery as well. Now I am dependent upon hormones and it's going to be much more difficult for me to start a family.
All this because of a misdiagnosis. All of this occurred in the span of 1 year, when I was 20-21 years old! For one year after that I continued taking the testosterone until I realized I was chasing my tail and all of this was supposed to get rid of my dysphoria and depression but actually made me feel worse than I EVER had in my life!
Now I'm just a sad girl picking up the pieces.
