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guest@proboards.com
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2016 6:37:22 GMT 8
I stopped trying to act anything. And I dropped the labels, androgyne is a convenience label, I am more complex than that. Way more complicated than a label. So I won't push being male, I may look like one, I may relate like one, around other guys, talking football and steaks and girls and stuff, I enjoy that too. And sometimes I enjoy talking about the guys, the hunks, I get turned on by the biceps, I like that feeling of being protected too, I want to feel safe. Ironically with my son in law around, I do feel safe, I am sure his protective instinct has kicked in, I know he appreciates the sacrifices we made to give them a new start. But the labels, they may comfort, but they limit. Its reassuring to have an identity you can point at, but for me, I would be cheated out of things. This morning I have a 2 day beard, that makes me no less sh'e, no less trans. I need to shave though, and am dying to shave my legs, I hate having hair there or in the pits. Nah the reason I threw the thread is because our perceptions of ourselves often change. Even the ftms and mtfs are feeling shifting around, feelings surface that they try to assign to gender roles defined by the matrix, by the machines that keep us in the dream world.... We are so dynamic, and repression for some was so habitual, cause girls had to be girly and boys don't cry and all that other social bs. So the first thing to do is to feel. How does your gender feel? What is your gender? How you physically feel? What you want? How you want to be perceived? How you identify as belonging to one gender or the other or none socially, a sense of being same as, belonging with, same as? I have none of these that I can work with, I have a constant I call my gender, that is sh'e, its physical, emotional, its my own rules and definition and perception of self, a combination of many traits that are hard to pin down. The matrix assigned these attributes on a scale, colors of the rainbow between pink and blue. But I wear a trans ring, my colors are them all, at the same time, just like my blue pink white pink blue ring, the diamond in the center of it all. So I ask how your gender feels, and feel how mine feels. Mine feels sensual, emotional, loving, kind, wise, protective, and strong, and very 70's she, and very androgyne he, simultaneously. Nonbinary me. Transitioned, and happy about it. Transitioned to me. Not to a woman. To sh'e, and I am happy to be h'er. Hormones are subtly up. So is my emotional depth, and I like that, so the balance adjustment is ok. I just need to be very careful with my levels right now, that affects my gender, and its the dance on the diamond tightrope of nonbinary trans. Loving blessings.... Trinity Even a woman likes a good steak on the grill. That is male or female. But football I don't care for. Sports in general. Muscles or not. I can fantasize though. but I don't need sports for that. I hate body hair so everyday for me. No going two days. Maybe I can now that I'm single again but.... no. Everyday for me. Some truck drivers would go thee or so days without a shower. I took one everyday and shaved everyday. And to top it off with long hair and smooth skin and wearing shorts, aghhhgahhghhgha I kind of got confused because not to be an ass or conceited or arrogant but I was prettier than a lot of women truck drivers. And plus a lot of drivers are gay or bi, then they didn't care too much what I had between my legs as long as the legs were smooth, the chest was hairless and no five o clock shadow and had long hair and you were feminine. LOL I got into truck driving right after I got out of the Army. I went to a bar and my dad used to drive a truck so I knew a little. I met two drivers and we drank together and then caught a taxi back to their trucks. One asked me to stay and go to Brownsville Tx with him. I did. That night he was drunk and I was drunk and we spent the night in the sleeper. Oh yeah. It happened. We ran together for a year or so as co drivers. I had my CDL at tht time and he bitched about me taking a shower everyday. I asked him if he wanted a tranny or a gay guy. He told me he didn't care as long as we didn't spend an hour everyday getting clean. I caught a flight home and started working for a company t\three days later.
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Post by Ativan Prescribed on Sept 13, 2016 7:26:59 GMT 8
My gender feels like it usually does, just non-binary, genderless if you want, but really without labels. I've never seen one, or even heard a definition, that sounds like me,.. close, but there is always something different.
I've grown to stop viewing cis as binary genders, I can see to much of one or the other in almost all of them Feminine? masculine? The concept has started to lose context in the binary, it just isn't there as NB for me.
Do I feel masculine or feminine? At times it feels that way, but the very second I stop to think about it, it slides away from me. Most often it is so neutral that assigning one or the other is just difficult, the second I do, it will change, so neutral it is.
I'm aware that some movements feel feminine to me and others masculine, but I can't label them as such, the movement is fleeting. It will blend from one to the other, or just become neutral, neither, both, it's just NB, it changes faster than I can think about it, most of the time. Thoughts are neither masculine or feminine anymore, they just don't register that way... (it took some time to get the binary I grew up with out of my head) Expectations of feminine and/or masculine just don't really occur to me in the course of my day, I'm not too conscious of how others might see me.
My clothes could go either way, very neutral, anyone could wear them and the clothes wouldn't make the person. Body types and size would make more of a difference than binary gender would.
Life is just so much simpler this way, no fuss or muss, just take it as it is and don't dwell on it, because it's a fleeting thought anyways... I try not to define myself or others and that seems to be just about right, it's respectful and doesn't make a judgement about others. Sometimes I can't help but define a person at first, but I've learned that if I get to know them, defining their gender isn't really my call to make.
So all in all, my gender remains neutral, and I've gotten used to seeing others as neutral as well, their gender is their business. If they want to push it towards me, fine, but I won't really let them get away with telling me it's this or that, I know better, they're over thinking it. Not that I would say anything... everyone is for the most part just they, not him or her, just they. Life is simpler that way.
Once I stopped seeing things about myself as either feminine or masculine, I stopped seeing that in others. I started to see them for who they are, past the gender crap and seeing them as people first, gender much further back from that. That's how my gender feels today, and most everyday...
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Post by Leena on Sept 13, 2016 8:02:47 GMT 8
I still feel just transgender, though waiting on that endo to call me has made me do a lot of thinking.
I really was the happiest when I was thin and presenting like a long haired rock star guy. There were a lot of women that seemed to think I was attractive looking like that, I do worry that I won't ever be attractive presenting as a woman.
Why is it that when I feel I'm just transgender, I feel I must transition? I don't even really want curves, I'd rather be super skinny. Body hair and facial hair I don't like, and I'm doing laser to get rid of that, and electrolysis for the handful of gray hairs that will be left.
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Post by Trinity on Sept 13, 2016 9:30:58 GMT 8
I still feel just transgender, though waiting on that endo to call me has made me do a lot of thinking. I really was the happiest when I was thin and presenting like a long haired rock star guy. There were a lot of women that seemed to think I was attractive looking like that, I do worry that I won't ever be attractive presenting as a woman. Why is it that when I feel I'm just transgender, I feel I must transition? I don't even really want curves, I'd rather be super skinny. Body hair and facial hair I don't like, and I'm doing laser to get rid of that, and electrolysis for the handful of gray hairs that will be left. Interesting. I cant live without the curves, but im totally fine with not living as a girl. So many ways to be trans. I also feel like crap without the estrogen.
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Post by Jennifer (Tink) on Sept 13, 2016 9:33:07 GMT 8
Honestly my ideal would be curvaceous and sultry. Definitely presenting as a girl. Not sure about being a girl.
:hugs:
-- Jenn
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Post by Leena on Sept 13, 2016 12:58:24 GMT 8
I still feel just transgender, though waiting on that endo to call me has made me do a lot of thinking. I really was the happiest when I was thin and presenting like a long haired rock star guy. There were a lot of women that seemed to think I was attractive looking like that, I do worry that I won't ever be attractive presenting as a woman. Why is it that when I feel I'm just transgender, I feel I must transition? I don't even really want curves, I'd rather be super skinny. Body hair and facial hair I don't like, and I'm doing laser to get rid of that, and electrolysis for the handful of gray hairs that will be left. Interesting. I cant live without the curves, but im totally fine with not living as a girl. So many ways to be trans. I also feel like crap without the estrogen. Yes, many ways to be trans. I don't know that HRT would really help with my curves, genetics play a role as well. My mom and sister are very thin, but when they have gained weight in the past it seemed to all go to their stomachs, much like it does me, so they try to stay skinny, and are much better at it than me. I do have to be a bit realistic in my expectations, I am not going to look like Marilyn Monroe, no matter what, the best I can really hope for is looking like a taller version of my sister.
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Post by Trinity on Sept 13, 2016 18:33:53 GMT 8
Interesting. I cant live without the curves, but im totally fine with not living as a girl. So many ways to be trans. I also feel like crap without the estrogen. Yes, many ways to be trans. I don't know that HRT would really help with my curves, genetics play a role as well. My mom and sister are very thin, but when they have gained weight in the past it seemed to all go to their stomachs, much like it does me, so they try to stay skinny, and are much better at it than me. I do have to be a bit realistic in my expectations, I am not going to look like Marilyn Monroe, no matter what, the best I can really hope for is looking like a taller version of my sister. I cut 35 lbs pre hrt. Took a year. Then started estrogen at 138 pounds. Now its hard to lose pounds. With my breast size it only works thin for me to beat the dysphoria. Best lose them now honey. And spiro makes stomach fat thats hard to lose. I just quit Spiro.
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Post by Jennifer (Tink) on Sept 13, 2016 20:37:55 GMT 8
Feeling a bit masculine with some feminine curveball thrown in. Have my morning meeting then heading back to NJ after lunch.
This turn and burn to DC is always draining.
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Post by Leena on Sept 14, 2016 12:50:58 GMT 8
Yes, many ways to be trans. I don't know that HRT would really help with my curves, genetics play a role as well. My mom and sister are very thin, but when they have gained weight in the past it seemed to all go to their stomachs, much like it does me, so they try to stay skinny, and are much better at it than me. I do have to be a bit realistic in my expectations, I am not going to look like Marilyn Monroe, no matter what, the best I can really hope for is looking like a taller version of my sister. I cut 35 lbs pre hrt. Took a year. Then started estrogen at 138 pounds. Now its hard to lose pounds. With my breast size it only works thin for me to beat the dysphoria. Best lose them now honey. And spiro makes stomach fat thats hard to lose. I just quit Spiro. Well it's now clearly been more than two business days, and that endo has not contacted me. That is quite bad customer service, any other business did that to me, I'd just say I'll take money elsewhere... That I've had the time to think it over though, I think I will work harder to lose the weight first. I don't want to put my transition on hold indefinitely because my weight is above some arbitrary number that I might not ever be able to get it below though. I'm having quite a bit harder time losing weight lately, I'm still not even back to where I was this time last year. The male weight distribution, and really just being overweight in general, and the beard stubble are the the primary things that I physically want to change. I can definitely get rid of the beard stubble, one way or another, it will be gone eventually. Maybe by that time, I'll have my weight down to at least where it was last year, and see then if I still want HRT. This discussion does make me feel a bit more non-binary. I'm starting to see why some people don't like labels. I am absolutely non-cis, I want many of the things most trans women want, and am actually OK with some aspects of being a male. I also have already felt like when I am use a label, I have a tendency to conform to whatever stereotypes I think that label means.
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Post by Trinity on Sept 14, 2016 18:33:07 GMT 8
Lol
I walk in both worlds and am amused when someone calls me a woman or even a transwoman. I dont correct them, but its amusing.
Its so freeing to be nonbinary...to see through the matrix and live as we please. To fly.... And you can still have all the same experiences as a full ts woman.
You just are not forced to, nor forced to pretend to be a she. It comes naturally anyway. I dont pretend anything, and i live as sh'e many times in the world.
You are free to be you, in any way you want.
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Post by Trinity on Sept 14, 2016 22:31:46 GMT 8
Estrogen levels are rising, I did cut the dose so I am not high from them, but ramping up
Its a conscious decision.
Anxiety levels are higher today, job related stuff, and sh'e is stronger today, I need a day out as full out sh'e to relax.
Classic patterns here.
But I like feeling sh'e, its worth the anxiety if that is related to the estrogen.
Its interesting, there are in some ways gender roles being played... and the truth is in sh'e, yes the blend, but also the loving truth of it....
Working. Too much stress + estrogen increase = ... yup.
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Post by EchelonHunt on Sept 15, 2016 0:14:40 GMT 8
My gender feels like tears.
My gender feels warm and alive.
My gender feels void.
My gender feels a yearning for expression and freedom.
My gender is that dream that won't leave my mind.
My gender becomes dormant like the stillness in the deep sea.
My gender is an unruly child.
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Post by Leena on Sept 15, 2016 0:41:12 GMT 8
Feeling non-binary and great today. I'd like to feel like this always. It's funny, I only have bad dysphoria when I allow myself to think of myself as one of the two binary genders. Why do I do that? I already knew this, and said it before before.
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Post by Jennifer (Tink) on Sept 15, 2016 1:13:07 GMT 8
Feeling very fluid today. Shifting like the sand in an hourglass minute by minute (literally) Tired and in pain (Big RA flare up leaving me incapable of much of anything). Wife and daughter leaving for Disney in an hour. Feeling very vulnerable today.
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Post by Trinity on Sept 15, 2016 1:24:03 GMT 8
Feeling non-binary and great today. I'd like to feel like this always. It's funny, I only have bad dysphoria when I allow myself to think of myself as one of the two binary genders. Why do I do that? I already knew this, and said it before before. Diamond tightrope...
Its when I feel like I have to deny a part of my gender or gender expression that all hell breaks loose inside.
As long as I can feel it all, simultaneously, I am fine.
Lose sight of that, let one part of my gender fight the other for dominance, and believe me, its a rough ride. Mindbreaking rough, for me.
Just for me..
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