separation and blending...gendermerge

[Deleted]

This is an Ativan teaching that probably kept me out of the psyche wards due to breaking under the agony of dysphoria.

An agony I don't feel right now.

In me, my gender fragmented into distinct feeling components.  During that time, my she nature fought to get out, be loved, nurtured, freed.  That blend happened now.  She is free and me.  So is he, so is my core, Sh'e.

Before, these natures were in conflict.  Now, they are one.  Lovers.

Long journey.

Before I lived in fear, now I live in promise.  Practicing and learning mindfulness.  Another Ativan teaching.

Conventional binary wisdom could have killed me.

Our collective wisdom, Grace, camaraderie and togetherness in the face of binary opposition strengthened all of us and exposed  truths.

There are split genders, merged genders, binary genders.  There are no boxes, no labels, any more than air can be limited, you can, but it disregards the infinite other air outside the balloon.  And balloons bust.

How do you experience your nonbinarism or binarism?

Is it split?

Merged?

A dance?  

Spinning coin?  ...hi Ativan...

Diamond?

Family?

does it  fight?  Dance?  Make love?  Blend into inseparable perception of self, being just you?

Is that physical?  Or how you experience the total you?


And a big question...do you control this?

Have fun...

Love to all here.

Trinity

[Ativan Prescribed]

"It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you are ready.
I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything.
There is almost no such thing as ready.
There is only now.
And you might as well do it now.
Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any."

Just one of those odd meme things I picked up somewhere...
Pretty much what mindfulness is and how you should view you as an individual, and not as separate things, distinct in their own now's.

[Ayla]

TSJ

Love the thread. My non binarism changes in character, texture, color and intensity depending on where I am, who I am with and what I am doing.

It therefore occurs to me as entirely contextual. It is also chimera like in that in the act of describing it I limit it. In the act of measuring or describing it, I change it, or perhaps it changes me.

Do I control this? Only in the sense that I take low dose hrt which takes the edge from my dysphoria and gets me away from my self or my ego. Does it control me? Sometimes I think so... but then I understand it as an aspect, an attribute, a quality etc and accept. In acceptance there is great power, release, relief and possibility.

When I understood myself to be a binary alpha male, control was how I survived. Today my understanding is so very different. I am much changed and consciously, unashamedly trying to give expression to my core. No labels, no expectations. I take a step or several steps, savour and stop for a while, or go with the flow. My E dosage feels like an edge. It is the wild card. Even minor change amplifies everything. Where once I was over powered and reversed direction and reduced dosage, I have now dialled it up a little. Not too much, not too quickly. I am a social creature and I need to move with the flow, with my relationships and with myself.

I used to think of it as a dance, perhaps a little like tai chi, or indeed like the eagle riding a thermal, using one to find another, always traveling, always seeking, being true to its core, to its nature, to its purpose, to its journey, to its path and to its nature.

Safe travels

Aisla

[Deleted]

I think we have some of the most brilliant minds, hearts and souls in the world on this forum.... and the very best of the understandings of nonbinary experience.... no kidding, I believe it.

Oh how far you have all come on these forest paths among the unicorns.

Thank you for bringing me here.

Trinity

[Laura J]

This concept is quite new to me,
I've never thought of myself in these terms.?

But I like it, this is all very good.!

I feel "Merged". Like 2 drops of ink (one black - one white) dropped into a cup of water. They merge together, in channels of different colored grays, swirling and mixing, depending on the ebb and flow around them.
I feel like that, with each gender pulling back and forth, depending on the circumstances I'm in, sometimes deeply male or female, but usually a merged mixture of both..

I never thought I could have control over them, but I am discovering I can.. It's often much easier controlling my female side, even when I want it to emerge or stay in the background. My male is much more strong willed, and difficult to control.

Wow, so illuminating when I really think about it.

[Edge]

With the understanding that I still don't really know and this may change in the future? I'm twins who are blended into one self that shifts.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Mar 2, 2015 3:32:23 GMT 8 Edge said:

With the understanding that I still don't really know and this may change in the future? I'm twins who are blended into one self that shifts.

Only you know how this applies to you.
For a lot of NB's, those who's gender characteristics seem to be a combination most of the time, this is one way to see it.
Those who tend to be more singular in gender, it useful to know, maybe not so much as a way to see yourself.
Self perception is always allowed to change as a person see's fit.
It is indeed a journey, even if there are destinations that are reached along the way.

[Leena]

Mar 1, 2015 5:10:10 GMT 8 Ayla said:

Do I control this? Only in the sense that I take low dose hrt which takes the edge from my dysphoria and gets me away from my self or my ego. Does it control me? Sometimes I think so... but then I understand it as an aspect, an attribute, a quality etc and accept. In acceptance there is great power, release, relief and possibility.

Is HRT really your only control? I'm not on it so I wouldn't know it's effect, but I still have some control. What I wear, what music I listen to, what I eat and drink, how I carry myself, all do influence how I feel, greatly...

I think my gender flips though are becoming less of a big deal. I don't know if I'm merging or whatever, but flipping towards guy mode doesn't freak me out like it once did, I don't know that it's because I'm getting more used to it, or that I can't really flip total in-denial guy mode anymore, unless that flip involves amnesia, and not remembering the last few years...

I'm getting more of a sense that a perfect mix of the binary genders exists, for my personality and body types, and I'm pretty close to fully discovering it... 

[Ayla]

Mar 3, 2015 14:19:22 GMT 8 Leena said:

Mar 1, 2015 5:10:10 GMT 8 Ayla said:

Do I control this? Only in the sense that I take low dose hrt which takes the edge from my dysphoria and gets me away from my self or my ego. Does it control me? Sometimes I think so... but then I understand it as an aspect, an attribute, a quality etc and accept. In acceptance there is great power, release, relief and possibility.

Is HRT really your only control? I'm not on it so I wouldn't know it's effect, but I still have some control. What I wear, what music I listen to, what I eat and drink, how I carry myself, all do influence how I feel, greatly...

I think my gender flips though are becoming less of a big deal. I don't know if I'm merging or whatever, but flipping towards guy mode doesn't freak me out like it once did, I don't know that it's because I'm getting more used to it, or that I can't really flip total in-denial guy mode anymore, unless that flip involves amnesia, and not remembering the last few years...

I'm getting more of a sense that a perfect mix of the binary genders exists, for my personality and body types, and I'm pretty close to fully discovering it... 

Low dose HRT is fundamental.  Without it my dysphoria is disabling.  With it I find an emotional equilibrium and dysphoria becomes merely background noise.

Other mechanisms like ffs, longer hair,  permanent beard and hair removal, shaped brows and more andro clothing also help, as does a good counsellor, online and local connection with the trans community, plus coming out to the significant folk in my life.

Without low dose HRT I obsessed over my gender identity, expression and presentation.  This is no longer the case.  Living with intense dysphoria was untenable and unsustainable.

It is great that you don't need to use low dose HRT.  But I have found it very, very difficult  and ultimately impossible to live without it.

safe travels

aisla

[Leena]

Mar 3, 2015 20:48:31 GMT 8 Ayla said:

Without low dose HRT I obsessed over my gender identity, expression and presentation.  This is no longer the case.  Living with intense dysphoria was untenable and unsustainable.

It is great that you don't need to use low dose HRT.  But I have found it very, very difficult  and ultimately impossible to live without it.

I am a bit obsessed over my gender identity, expression and presentation. I don't know that I want this to stop, it used to be very disturbing, but now that I already know, and in no way deny, I'm transgender, I wonder more why I still spend so much time thinking about this.

I'm not currently all that dysphoric, but it comes and goes, I'm still not ruling out HRT as an option if it comes and doesn't go and gets intense.  

I don't want separation, I am always Veronica, even though in many situations I feel the need to present as a guy, and do that as femme as I can get away with in the situation. I like to be pushing the boundaries at times even, though pushing them too far is a bit uncomfortable. 

[Deleted]

I've been working this, trying to let go of the split.

There is a lot to this in my specific case.

I am going for a total merge, kind of one gender, just me. With different facets and angles and stuff, but no separation, a seamless blending.

And then taking responsibility for this. And focusing on recognizing its just me.

This isn't my idea. But its one I am seizing as the answer for me.

Blessings.

[Deleted]

As for me I have my distinct man days and other times some rather girly days as far as my internal workings go, it's not an even split so I keep the outward presentation fairly androgynous to maintain some visual consistency lest my spouse or another onlooker gets the idea that I am planning to revert back to my old self which isn't going to happen.

[Ativan Prescribed]

Merging is not taking two and making one (the sum is less than the parts?), it is taking two (or more) and using them in agreement as opposed to disagreement.
While there are times that one is favored over another depending on circumstances and other such things, it doesn't mean that it can't be in agreement with the other components that make up ones gender.
It's when there is disagreement that dysphoria generally comes about, but not the sole reason.
Merging, as in allowing the components that are yours to have an agreement allows much of dysphoria to dissipate.
If it brings dysphoria down to a level that is acceptable to you, then it works.
But in any case, I would think that having your different components in agreement rather than in a battle of disagreement in any case would be much more desirable for most.
It seems in reading most peoples accounts of this, that it is during these 'battles', that dysphoria is at it's worst.
*In that same line of thinking, winning the war would be to never have those battles any longer and gender isn't an internal issue that needs to be resolved.
Ativan

[Patty]

Mar 14, 2015 8:33:40 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

Merging is not taking two and making one (the sum is less than the parts?), it is taking two (or more) and using them in agreement as opposed to disagreement.
While there are times that one is favored over another depending on circumstances and other such things, it doesn't mean that it can't be in agreement with the other components that make up ones gender.
It's when there is disagreement that dysphoria generally comes about, but not the sole reason.
Merging, as in allowing the components that are yours to have an agreement allows much of dysphoria to dissipate.
If it brings dysphoria down to a level that is acceptable to you, then it works.
But in any case, I would think that having your different components in agreement rather than in a battle of disagreement in any case would be much more desirable for most.
It seems in reading most peoples accounts of this, that it is during these 'battles', that dysphoria is at it's worst.
*In that same line of thinking, winning the war would be to never have those battles any longer and gender isn't an internal issue that needs to be resolved.
Ativan

    I totally agree.My parts made peace and blended a long time ago, they are still there but in agreement with each other and the dominate one (female) is in charge ,but she has one mean backup if needed.My dysphoria is non existent except when looking in a mirror naked then its like what are they doing there, but oh they will be gone shortly so no big problem.

[Edge]

Mar 14, 2015 8:33:40 GMT 8 Ativan Prescribed said:

Merging is not taking two and making one (the sum is less than the parts?), it is taking two (or more) and using them in agreement as opposed to disagreement.

Personally, I am very against the idea that one means less than the sum of the parts. If you take two balls of play dough and you mush them together into one ball of play dough, that does not mean you have less play dough. It means you have a bigger ball of it. Not to say that people are play dough, but the idea that being one person as opposed to a multiple makes someone less is faulty.
I also fail to see how being in agreement with oneself has anything to do with whether or not one is a multiple. Unless the reason they are a multiple is due to dissociative identity disorder in which case, that usually means they aren't ok with something in themselves.