Did you fight being trans? Did you fight being you?

[Deleted]

I was brought up that being trans was bad.  That was reinforced through church and culture up until I cracked at 55 and gave up.  I did 50 purges, at least that many.

I fought being trans as hard as i could, until trans broke my mind like a little twig about 2 years ago.  Its been one heck of a recovery from that.  I still struggle, but we keep that in the treehouse thread now where it belongs.

But my question to you my dears is did it do the same thing to you ((gender just shifted from SJ-Trinity to Satinjoy - its doing that a lot lately, flipping around, now its back to trinity.  Stress response I bet....(SJ))

Did you fight it too dears, did you try not to be trans?  Did it take you to the edge first?  Or did they understand when you were young and help you be you, give you the gift of self esteem, the unparralleled gift of the bodies you deserve?

Love to all here....

I hope the shifting settles down, its best when its just all blended and free and nice.

Satinjoy
 

[Deleted]

For most of my life I just pushed it to the back of my mind and did my best living a rather miserable life as male. I really never even considered that it might be possible for me to actually be the girl I wished I had been born as. I had seen a couple of transsexuals on TV briefly, flipping through channels, but they all looked unmistakably male to me and I just thought, "What's the point? I don't want to look like a man trying to be a woman. I just want to be a woman."

Then a few years ago I was just about at my breaking point. My entire existence was just a neverending haze of apathy and depression. Luckily, I happened to stumble across some passable trans women on the internet that gave me hope, and I started thinking that maybe I could actually look female, too. There were lots of doubts back then, but I never looked back, really. I knew I'd rather be dead than go back to trying to live a male life.

Since then, passability has started to matter much less to me. I don't care so much if I pass 100%, as long as my body looks female enough for my own peace of mind, I feel comfortable expressing myself and the people I care about think of me as a woman. Anything more than that is just a bonus.

[Deleted]

It wasn't a pressing thing for me, due to circumstances I thought about it, made a decision and went there and never looked back, over and out!

[Ellie]

Yeah, I fought it. Being born in the 50s in a remote mining town did not lend itself well to support the idea that my genetically expressed gender and my true gender were a mismatch. I knew very early on, 4 maybe 5 years old, that I was not like the other boys. I just wanted to fit in. While I was crossdressing by the time I was in second grade, the confusion really set in when the T started flowing... If I'm really a girl, why am I so hot for girls? I began to think I was some kind of evil pervert. I collected and purged, like y'all. I had a thought in my 30s, I regret not heeding it back then, that maybe I should be transitioning. I repressed that for a couple of decades more, and in my fifties I was having serious bouts of crippling dysphoria. I sought out the help of a psychologist who allowed me to come to terms with it. My bell was ringing loudly, I gave in and started HRT several years after it was first offered to me. Much happier now, and like Pikachu, "passability has started to matter much less to me". Well. I want my hair back. I think that will do it for me.

[Deleted]

Oh, yes, I fought the good fight and of course every time I won a round, I came out the loser.

I suppose the worst of it was when I was in my early 20's and met the love of my life. I still haven't forgotten her and I still have all sorts of regrets. Now it became clear to me that she was trans as well--e.g., the time she suggested that we should swap clothes. And of course, being where I was at the time, I didn't take her up on that even though I wouldn't have minded in the least.

In those days I still regarded transgenderism as a sickness that needed to be fought off. So how can you let the woman you love know that you enjoy slipping into girlie things? She wouldn't see you as much of a man, would she?

We drifted apart, and in the aftermath, heart-broken as I was, I consoled myself with the thought that it was for the best. After all, we were both sick, weren't we? And if we indulged ourselves in it, we'd "be pulling each other down." That was the way I worded it to myself.

Is there any better testimony as to why we need, from our earliest days, to be ourselves, to discover ourselves so that we don't miss out on the opportunities that life presents, so that we have the good and rich lives that everybody wants for themselves? When you're taught that you cannot love someone you love with all your heart, what could be worse than that?

I have looked for her (him?) on the net, but without success. I try to feel hope for her: maybe she copped on earlier than I did, transitioned and found some happiness for herself. I still haven't given up hope that maybe some day we can meet up again. In theory, we shouldn't be too far apart, a question of no more than a few hours. I wonder if she'd remember me. I feel certain that she would.

[Emily]

Do You mean - did I fight is consciously? Nope, because I had no idea that I am fighting against it. In Soviet Union there was no sex, and nobody heard or talked about transsexualism. I was lucky enough to find a book on sexual education with subsection on sexual deviations which explained homosexuality to me (I figured out that I was not homosexual because I was supposed to like men). Instead I fought on subconscious level, because something inside of me kept talking that I am not a real man, I am a fake and not like the others, so I kept pushing to the limits to show the world that I am daring, fearless, chivalric and masculine man. I suppose the point was - if the world would believe, then it would convince my inner voice too. The world did believe, but my inner voice still kept whispering until something malfunctioned and Pandora box went open.

[Deleted]

Feb 5, 2015 21:57:48 GMT 8 Trinity said:

I was brought up that being trans was bad.  That was reinforced through church and culture up until I cracked at 55 and gave up.  I did 50 purges, at least that many.

I fought being trans as hard as i could, until trans broke my mind like a little twig about 2 years ago.  Its been one heck of a recovery from that.  I still struggle, but we keep that in the treehouse thread now where it belongs.

But my question to you my dears is did it do the same thing to you ((gender just shifted from SJ-Trinity to Satinjoy - its doing that a lot lately, flipping around, now its back to trinity.  Stress response I bet....(SJ))

Did you fight it too dears, did you try not to be trans?  Did it take you to the edge first?  Or did they understand when you were young and help you be you, give you the gift of self esteem, the unparralleled gift of the bodies you deserve?

Love to all here....

I hope the shifting settles down, its best when its just all blended and free and nice.

Satinjoy
 

Nope. I tried churches and found I never really belonged with long hair. Especially when they found out I played Dark Metal. They never minded passing the plate to me though. I usually gave more than anyone else. I would actually put 100 dollar bills in the "collection plate". No one still accepted me though. I still give but give in a different way. I wasted about 4 grand on churches when I decided I would spend the money and buy people food, clothing and so on. If I gave them 50 bucks and they spent it on liquor, not my fault I gave accordingly.

But no Trinity. I am who I am and will never apologize for it. I purged once and figured out some of the shit I had in my closet and on my shoe rack was really expensive to replace, never again. Why throw all my good clothes, shoes and some of the sexiest lingerie away? Some of the stuff was from Fredrick's. Ugh Ugh. Never again. Why deny who I am? Even little skimpy bikini painties that are cheap that you have to wax or shave in order to wear them? Why throw them out. All this stuff makes me feel good and natural. So I really should cherish these items.

[Deleted]

Feb 6, 2015 5:07:42 GMT 8 @julieblair said:

Anybody here not know my story? If so when I get a computer easier to work with than my Kindle, I'll post some links. My issues weren't so much with transition, as much as with the vocabulary of change, and once I had that, simple fear. Fear of losing all I had (brings to mind the Bible story of the rich man), fear of losing my friends, fear of the unknown and unknowable.

This is the greatest leap of faith I have ever attempted.1 I'm shallow. I did not want to be seen as ugly.  2 I did not want to be the freak in a dress. 3 I had to be at the edge, the jumping off place, before fear could be supplanted by hope. Most of my fears did not come to pass, those that did have lost their power and once hope travelled down the lane to confidence, the fear subsided to noise.

For me the fight is over. I won, I also lost. I am a patois of who I was, who I am, and who I will become. Sounds like the plot to a Star Trek movie, and so it is.

J

Really Julie? Who the fuck cares. You are not ugly. beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am younger and stupider than you are and you should know that.

No.2. Oh sweety. I think you are a freak. But not in a dress. The quote Lzzy Hale, " If you're a Freak like me, get on the bus". We are all freaks. Even the most seemingly most "normal" among us. I know. I won't say how I know, but I know. I'm a Freak, so take my hand and we'll ride the bus all the way to the lake. Age difference is all about Fire Lake or the old Doors Song. I like the Fire lake better. Even some bikers like a transbitch holding their "waist" tight.  Yeah, "waist" my ass.

I h\stay at the Edge. There is no hope there. On step forward or one step back. The edge isn't that bad though. I took the step forward many times. I'm taking that step now. Fear sux. fear is a whirlpool. Fear is fucking useless. Fear is false. Anyone that is in our position that accepts it has beaten the fear. The human ego may tell you different. Society will kill you if you let it. When you stand on the edge and then look down and say, I'm gonna be OK and this is a new start. "The Edge" isn't that scary. I really wish people would stop thinking about death when they come to the edge. Its not about death but about change. We change everyday so we actually die everyday. The me yesterday is dead, the me today is alive and the me tomorrow is yet to be born. So there are three mes. There are way more than that.

"I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
Must´ve been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think you got me figured out
the miseason's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way."

Well I cant be a mother but I am one hell of a "muther". I could have been one hell of a mother but... I can't even be a father. So... Either way. I can't be a parent. I'm still a Godess on my knees though. Whether with a mouthfull or pointing the toungue up, out and flicking it. OMG. I need to shut up.

[Emily]

I did not know Alanis Morissette was Your style, Jamie

[Deleted]

Feb 6, 2015 6:29:32 GMT 8 Emily said:

I did not know Alanis Morissette was Your style, Jamie

No that is Merideth Brooks. Still from the 90's though. I still iked it because of the lyrics, I'm a Bitch, I'm a Lover'. Not to mention "I'm a goddess on my knees". Wow Emily. A goddess on my knees, Which one of us ain't that? OK so I am a Goddess  on my knees. Ain't had no complaints yet.   Just a little gagging sometimes. OK so I do swallow.  It better taste good though.  If not we will bring out the pineapple juice. Or he has to drink a "bitch drink", Pin'a Coladas.

[Deleted]

Feb 6, 2015 7:45:31 GMT 8 @jamie said:

Feb 6, 2015 6:29:32 GMT 8 Emily said:

I did not know Alanis Morissette was Your style, Jamie

No that is Merideth Brooks. Still from the 90's though. I still iked it because of the lyrics, I'm a Bitch, I'm a Lover'. Not to mention "I'm a goddess on my knees". Wow Emily. A goddess on my knees, Which one of us ain't that? OK so I am a Goddess  on my knees. Ain't had no complaints yet.   Just a little gagging sometimes. OK so I do swallow.  It better taste good though.  If not we will bring out the pineapple juice. Or he has to drink a "bitch drink", Pin'a Coladas.

Jamie, not everyone here is into that sort of thing or into laying out their sex life to everyone. Save that for a sleazy porn site will you hon?

[Deleted]

Feb 6, 2015 7:54:30 GMT 8 Shan said:

Feb 6, 2015 7:45:31 GMT 8 @jamie said:

No that is Merideth Brooks. Still from the 90's though. I still iked it because of the lyrics, I'm a Bitch, I'm a Lover'. Not to mention "I'm a goddess on my knees". Wow Emily. A goddess on my knees, Which one of us ain't that? OK so I am a Goddess  on my knees. Ain't had no complaints yet.   Just a little gagging sometimes. OK so I do swallow.  It better taste good though.  If not we will bring out the pineapple juice. Or he has to drink a "bitch drink", Pin'a Coladas.

Jamie, not everyone here is into that sort of thing or into laying out their sex life to everyone. Save that for a sleazy porn site will you hon?

Sorry Shan and everyone else.

[Deleted]

Feb 6, 2015 7:58:39 GMT 8 @jamie said:

Feb 6, 2015 7:54:30 GMT 8 Shan said:

Jamie, not everyone here is into that sort of thing or into laying out their sex life to everyone. Save that for a sleazy porn site will you hon?

Sorry Shan and everyone else.

Cool hon, thanks! We don't want to disrespect some people's sensibilities or drive anyone away with TMI, we love you hon, it's OK!

[Edge]

Yeah, I fought against it.
It wasn't conscious when I was younger. I just automatically pushed it away and was very far in denial.
When I first started exploring my gender, I came across people who still believe in gender roles and got very confused because people were telling me that they were the same as gender. I was so horrified that I could be so stupid that I was letting those things affect me, that I tried to convince myself I'm not trans. Luckily, I kept learning and found out that gender is, in fact, not the same as gender roles.

[Leena]

I fought very hard, and thought I won, when I actually lost, as winning and being a "real man" meant losing myself, and just being a stereotypical "real man", was not even one that women liked, which was the whole point of fighting in the first place. It's stupid too, as there were some women that liked who I used to be before that. They were few and far between, so I thought maybe becoming a "real man" was what I needed. I am slowly figuring out that who I really am, a feminine personality with a masculine body, is not necessarily unattractive, and while pretending to be something else might lead to more first dates, I probably can find another woman who is interested in the real me, and not interested in turning me into "a real man" ...