the nonbinary transitioned reality?

[Trinity]

I need to quickly dump this out of my brain and get back to work.

I've been through hell the last 2 weeks with dysphoria and now the inevitable breakthrough, which I had once before and forgot under the social pressures, has come and I can finally enjoy being me.

Here's the deal. I finally get and accept that I am a transsexual no op nonbinary transitioned full hormone full transition person. Very female physically, God knows what emotionally, very much so sexually. I am sh'e.

I am also totally fluid in environments, but that changes nothing about who I am physically, I remain sh'e.

Regardless of what is overlaid, not as a costume but as social reality of whatever dynamic I relate to others in... and that is the key right there, its how I am relating to others... I remain sh'e. Sh'e is me.

I am a mix of gender, in a thousand ways and nuances, but nothing changes the core of who I am, who I finally have accepted as myself. After all this time.

And that allows me to fly the matrix of gender in this world, I can be a woman, a man, a mix, any time, anywhere, it is my choice based on my own comfort, and sometimes those around me.   But it never changes who I am. I remain me. Sh'e - and myself, in all my strength and fatherhood and warrior crazy racecar driver self, and all my sensual and feminine - what - I can look pretty sometimes. In all my total self at home.

It is only when I forget who I am that I crash and burn. Or when I am scared I wont be accepted as who I am.  Then the trouble starts.

I thought I'd post it, I confuse people, my gender is like that, it is not binary, I am not a woman, I am not a man.

I am sh'e, and I will be beautiful when I want to, and I will live free, but aware of others needs. Including mine.

Love to all here.

Nails out hair down heart wide open.

Trinity

[Trinity]

Visuals for fun. The one in the cami is my truth in gender.

[Trinity]

Attachment Deleted

[Trinity]

Life genderfreed, at least, for me.

Everyone is different.

I thought it might help to see it.  I really am all of this.  Its the body and core self that doesnt change.  But i shift anywhere socially.

Most transexuals i guess cant do that.

Its so very hard to explain.

"There is no honest way to explain it."

[Trinity]

Interesting feedback.

I define transexual as someone that has altered their sex, in my case from male to third gender, via heavy hrt.

Thoughts...opinions?

[Ayla]

I find semantics a little frustrating as usage always changes meaning and in our community usage is changing quickly and so is meaning. I also find this to be an area fraught with emotion and usually risks alienating and angering folk because of differing experience and language usage.

Early on I always equated transexual with trans folk that have undergone GCS and live full time as their non birth gender

However with so many folk using hrt, surgery and other means to live authentic lives by changing appearance, brain chemistry and secondary sex characteristics I suspect that this understanding is dated. So I think that your self description ie that you are " a transsexual no op nonbinary transitioned full hormone full transition person" is accurate. I am less sure of your definition of a transexual as "someone that has altered their sex, .. from (their birth gender) to any other gender, via heavy hrt" . For me I would change 'altered their sex" and insert 'changed their gender presentation ' imho.

I must point out that I was not an English major so am likely to be incorrect on a number of points

[Trinity]

Its all about communication.  Words create boxes.

I sent to my meeting full out.  Half of them didnt recognize me.  But being full out socially is teaching me things.

I felt incomplete somehow.  I feel true, yes, but its not enough.

That cami presentation that is wholy me cannot be escaped.   

In the meeting we had a member that drew a face on a rock.  Heads she suicides tails she lives and goes to a meeting.  It was tails.  Tonight. She went to our meeting.  What do you even say to that.

Another one cant get sober, has two days.  From what i heard, hes gunna die.

A third had hours of sober, blew it cause he cant overcome his anxiety.  Bad odds.

And one of our long time members was back after being knifed on his way to his apartment.  Thet peirced his lung with a box cutter.  Hes freaked the guys that did it are still on the street.

I had an incident on the way in, dealt with it.  My coat was zipped up i read male, told the guy that if anyone fucked with me id turn my rage loose and theyd be done.  He felt me out, gave up.  Hard target.

Hair on who knows....

I go into fighter mode and binary trans vanishes.  Its how it is.  I feel most strong totally me, no hair on.  I need all of me in order to survive, not just pieces of self.

You can smell the devil in the street its bad right now.

So next week i can be pretty when i speak or i can be whole.

I better choose whole, humble, and real.

Love and blessings

Trinity

[Trinity]

Nonody trans by the way. Just me tonight.

[Trinity]

I changed the thread title. Still processing recent events mentally.

[Deleted]

I must confess that I find the word transsexual a bit odd. 

[Trinity]

Dec 16, 2015 23:18:34 GMT 8 @earthling said:

I must confess that I find the word transsexual a bit odd. 

Ditch the word.

Stick with transitioned.

The word connotes a full transition as Aisla said to a binary status.

Its just not workable.

[Deleted]

Yep. I don't think it suits its purpose, so to speak.

[Trinity]

Sooo, the thread went into this thing on the semantics of transition, I guess. But it wasn't the point.

Its more about how it is to be full transition with body dysphoria and the physical need to alter your gender, be it half way or all the way to the opposite birth binary, and the comfort level of self identification as nonbinary in that reality.

Now that I can be me, fear is lessened and external controls are mitigated. it become a simple matter of choice in how to present. Just as we have gay women who are into more traditionally male presentation modes. Does not change their gender a whit, does it?

I feel like I am in the same position, except that with the clothing change the relationship dynamics also change, to some extent, so does the way that I act. But this far into transition, I am finding less change, more of the self that has always been is showing, actually, I feel like I should have felt if the peer pressure of teenage years had not screwed my head up.

I am sitting here at work, in a fully male presentation, ringed, bracelets, leather necklace thing with a shell on it. Super comfortable like this, male dynamics in play, yet I am totally aware of the body that is mine now finally, as I need it to be, and totally aware that my body is totally transitioned. And I feel completely whole like this. And completely whole in the blend, and completely whole full out girl.

I really am amazed at this. It feels to me like something brand new in trans, I know Ativan lives it though I may range farther than they do (they said I did the other day, we are so similar though, except I am entirely female in bed and I have no idea about them and won't ask). I think it cuts across the grain of the traditional trans narratives. And that the only safe place for me to have found these forest paths was on this forum. Nowhere else could I find this way away from the edge.

Is anyone else like this?

Trinity

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2015 23:18:34 GMT 8 @earthling said:

I must confess that I find the word transsexual a bit odd. 

I don't find it that odd when you are talking about society and their infatuation with physical sex. I actually prefer transgender regardless whether I choose to live my life as a woman, which is the definition of a transexual  either MTF or FTM, or choose to be more fluid or go back and forth from one to the other but that is getting harder to do though.

It's sort of like the term transvestite which is the definition of someone who crossdresses as a means of stress release. I have been called all though. I never really understood where the term "faggot" originated from other than the dark recesses of so called normal people hearts just to hurt someone else. Yes I have been called that too. Its kind of funny though really because words never really bothered me. When some people would call me a "Fag" I would tell them I'm not a cigarette from Massachusetts. When the would call me a "Faggot" then I would correct them and tell them that they were wrong because I am a "Tranny". But always have backup and or self protection in the way of pepper spray and screw the weak stuff, get the bear strength.

But on a sad note and I am sorry that I can't remember his name but the psychiatrist that proclaimed that homosexuality wasn't a mental disorder in the mid '70s died either yesterday or today. Shit I have a brain fart and it is on the tip of my tounge.

But one thing you have to remember though Lee. Most "normal" people are gonna' confuse gender with sex. Most people have a way easier time with the sexual twist because gender is so deeply embedded in our psyche. Sexually I am bi. Gender wise I am MTF or Male leaning toward sissy or just fluid or can go either way. But let me tell you something about those so called "normal" people. They all have their kinks. They all have fetishes and fantasies.

We can separate gender from sex because we feel the difference. Hell I'm bisexual but prefer more masculine traits in either men or women. But what turns me on has no effect on my self image of my own gender. I don't know if that makes any sense but if you think about it though, most people relate gender to sex and sexual attraction. Yeah it may be true in most instances but there are many more variables involved. From Phermones to repressed sexual fantasies and sexual attractions. So personally I believe that so called "normal' is actually abnormal.

[Leena]

Dec 29, 2015 5:30:07 GMT 8 @jamie said:

Dec 16, 2015 23:18:34 GMT 8 @earthling said:

I must confess that I find the word transsexual a bit odd. 

I don't find it that odd when you are talking about society and their infatuation with physical sex. I actually prefer transgender regardless whether I choose to live my life as a woman, which is the definition of a transexual  either MTF or FTM, or choose to be more fluid or go back and forth from one to the other but that is getting harder to do though.

It's sort of like the term transvestite which is the definition of someone who crossdresses as a means of stress release. I have been called all though. I never really understood where the term "faggot" originated from other than the dark recesses of so called normal people hearts just to hurt someone else. Yes I have been called that too. Its kind of funny though really because words never really bothered me. When some people would call me a "Fag" I would tell them I'm not a cigarette from Massachusetts. When the would call me a "Faggot" then I would correct them and tell them that they were wrong because I am a "Tranny". But always have backup and or self protection in the way of pepper spray and screw the weak stuff, get the bear strength.

But on a sad note and I am sorry that I can't remember his name but the psychiatrist that proclaimed that homosexuality wasn't a mental disorder in the mid '70s died either yesterday or today. Shit I have a brain fart and it is on the tip of my tounge.

But one thing you have to remember though Lee. Most "normal" people are gonna' confuse gender with sex. Most people have a way easier time with the sexual twist because gender is so deeply embedded in our psyche. Sexually I am bi. Gender wise I am MTF or Male leaning toward sissy or just fluid or can go either way. But let me tell you something about those so called "normal" people. They all have their kinks. They all have fetishes and fantasies.

We can separate gender from sex because we feel the difference. Hell I'm bisexual but prefer more masculine traits in either men or women. But what turns me on has no effect on my self image of my own gender. I don't know if that makes any sense but if you think about it though, most people relate gender to sex and sexual attraction. Yeah it may be true in most instances but there are many more variables involved. From Phermones to repressed sexual fantasies and sexual attractions. So personally I believe that so called "normal' is actually abnormal.

How is it getting harder to do? I'm finding it actually easier to do now that I know that I am mostly in control of my gender flips. There are certain people I know don't understand me, and it's not worth the energy trying to explain so I'm fine with them seeing me as a long haired guy...there are also some activities I enjoy, like hiking alone in National and State parks, and traveling in general, that it's probably safer for me to just present as a long haired guy...I'm still Veronica all the time though. I just find my guy mode useful...